Don't Make Me Go Back In There Again, Please!

I've got some more radio interviews coming up over the next few weeks. To be honest, I find them quite difficult. You sit in a little office wearing a pair of enormous headphones and there's a microphone on the desk in front of you. All of a sudden you hear a voice in your ears saying "Can you hear me Frank?" Followed by the stomach churning "You're on after the next record!"

It's just like making an international phone call used to be. When you speak, everything goes dead, then you hear a ghostly echo of your own voice a split second later. It's very disconcerting and I find myself wanting to say "Hello? Hello? Are you still there?"

As it's live, you've got to try not to keep saying "er, um...dunno" or just trailing off. You can't pick up any of the visual clues which normally help keep a conversation flowing. I have a bad habit of fiddling with things if I'm nervous; which almost led to disaster on a previous interview when I accidently pulled out the microphone jack plug, causing a huge burst of static.

Two minutes after it's over, you think of all the clever and witty replies you could have said and finally you realise that you forgot to mention the book!

Radio Ga-Ga

If anyone listened to me wittering on Radio Manchester this morning, could you tell me if they managed to edit out the enormous popping noise when I absentmindedly flicked the microphone?

Letter to Alan Johnson (Education Secretary)

Sorry I've not been posting for a few days, I had a few problems with my modem which exceeded my meagre technical abilities. Hopefully all is now ok. I'm going to send the following letter once you've told me what you think:

Dear Mr Johnson

You’ve been sent a copy of my book, so has Tony. Neither of you has bothered to comment or reply. Let me give you a further example of what I am complaining about.

A good friend of mine has a Year 7 class with 42% having Special Needs. Several can barely read a sentence, others cannot listen for more than a few seconds without shouting out or making stupid noises. Many of the group cannot sit still, most have no idea how to follow simple instructions either verbal or written on the board, as they have never been made to do so in Primary School. In short, it is bedlam. The school has no effective discipline policy and no effective leaders.

In this same class is a girl who today asked a probing question about a topic that will not be covered for two more years. Her ability is way beyond the rest of the class. There are three others who are also well above average.

Today one of the loonies (my words not hers) stormed out of the room after assaulting another member of the class. This is not the first such incident.

This teacher is renowned as being excellent. She is honest enough to admit that she simply cannot effectively teach such a wide range of ability especially with the huge behaviour problems that are also present. She despairs at this situation (i.e. no discipline and no setting by ability) that is forced upon her and feels that the majority of pupils in the class are being let down. The school does not set in years 7 or 8 and the other classes are similar.

She explained to me that she felt a great sadness that she was simply unable to do her job and is considering moving to the Private Sector, where in her own words:

"At least I will be able to teach rather than just attempt crowd control, which is all I do here".

You are directly responsible for Education in Great Britain. Your Government has been in power for 9 years. Please tick whichever box below that you honestly believe corresponds best to its performance in this area:

Good
Satisfactory
Poor

If there is any doubt as to the authenticity of the above example I shall be pleased to provide you with the exact details. I would also be prepared to forward you over a hundred emails I have received (after obtaining the senders' permission) detailing similar cases.

Any chance of a reply either to my email or to this site?

Frank Chalk

Alan Johnson

The Education Secretary Alan Johnson (just what exactly does he know about education?) has announced that he is 'seriously considering' raising the school leaving age from 16 to 18 as there are too many kids leaving school unable to read, write or do simple sums.

Unfortunately Ashley, Dwayne and Leroy could stay at school until they were drawing old age pensions and they would still be unable to master these skills. This is because they do not want to learn such boring things and we have absolutely no means of making them do so.

His other proposal is to have schools opening on Saturday mornings. I can just imagine how the teachers will scramble to get into school for an extra three hours of mayhem with Ryan and Shane.

Forget these whacky ideas Alan. All we need is the power to discipline Nathan, Shazney and their awful parents.

Inspector Gadget

The excellent Police blogger 'Inspector Gadget' who can be relied upon to keep us informed as to why our streets are not safe at night (or during the day in many cases) has been 'outed.'

Either somebody has figured out who he is from a posting or more worryingly for the rest of us, his computer has been hacked into. He is being interviewed 'informally' on Tuesday.

Currently, a handful of blogs in the UK are exposing serious flaws in the Police, the NHS and State Education. They are hitting a raw nerve with those higher up who have always had the opportunity to say something or more importantly; actually do something, but have simply kept quiet and followed the official line. These people would much rather the reality was kept safely hidden away.

Inspector Gadget is the first to be found out and it will be very interesting to see what the outcome is.

After School Clubs

The Government wants all schools to offer activities between 8 am and 6pm by 2010. (Presumably they assume they will still be in power then)

The main objections seem to be:

1) Children spending too much time at school/ missing out on home life.

2) Who is going to do the supervising and plan the activities? How much will they be paid? Will teachers be bullied into doing them?

3) Where's the money?

My opinion on these points is as follows:

1) This argument assumes that all kids have an idyllic after school life of climbing trees, building dens in the woods or reading and making things out of meccano.

Unfortunately, the after school reality for many kids involves climbing through other people's windows and building drugs dens in the woods; reading their Asbos and making decommissioned pistols fire again. It would be a very good idea to provide something exciting and legal for them to do after school. It will all hinge on what's offered, which brings us to the second point.

2) Teachers will want to be paid at their normal rate for doing these clubs and quite right too. Qualified instructors for interesting activities are also expensive, so what's left? Cover supervisors? Teaching Assistants? If we can't offer the kids something exciting then they won't come. Anyone who lets themselves be bullied into helping out needs to join us vertebrates.

3) Let's do some rough sums. 8 am till 6pm is roughly 3 and a half hours extra per day. Cost of employing someone is at least 50% above their pay, so lets say £15 per hour which makes about £50 per day for each person. 15 million kids need at least 500 000 staff so that gives us a wage bill of £25 million per day for 200 shool days per year = 5 billion quid.

The Government has budgeted £600 million between now an 2010 with no details of what happens after that. Oh dear... The kids will have to pay then, (and quite a bit too) which will be ok for some but will definitely stop those who would benefit most from going (their parents would rather invest the money in strong lager)

So to sum up- great idea; where's the details of how it works?

Hang on haven't we been here before?

Other Work Blogs

There are three areas of our society that cause great concern for many people at the moment

Education
Law and Order
Healthcare

If you are interested in these topics, then you can spend your money on a newspaper and read articles by journalists with no experience of the above professions and absolutely no guarantee that what they have vaguely researched (or overheard in the pub) bears the slightest resemblance to the truth. If you do not agree with what you read then you can write a letter to the paper and never hear any more.

Alternatively you can check out the views of those who have worked in these areas and equally importantly, you can comment on our posts and tell us if you think we are talking rubbish.

Law and Order is a thing of the past in many parts of the UK and who better than PC David Copperfield to bring us news of the latest plans to punish the law abiding citizens whilst ensuring that criminals are kept safe on the streets.

Healthcare is the third great fiasco and Dr Crippen can be relied on to keep us up to date with the latest medical madness. Do email him if you are feeling at all unwell, or if you have had too much to drink and require an ambulance to take you home.

I like to think of us standing together, defending the truth against those who would like to keep it hidden. We are like the three pronged trident carried by that Greek God who lived under the sea (Spongebob I think he was called)

Lost

Just a quick apology to all those who've emailed me with questions , comments etc. and haven't yet had an answer. Basically my inbox is groaning under the weight of all the replies I've had to a survey I started a while ago here:

http://frankchalk.blogspot.com/2006/07/survey.html.

I didn't expect such an enthusiastic response but it obviously struck a nerve and I'm just finishing correlating all the info. I'm closing it now and will let you know some results in a few days time.

Many thanks to all those who took the time to reply.

Three Reasons We Let The Pupils Down

There are three reasons why our Comprehensive System is in such a mess.
1) Discipline has become a naughty word in schools.
2) We don't always put children in groups of similar ability
3) The National Curriculum

Let's look at each one in turn

Discipline

I was once advised by my Head of Department to use a different ink colour than red to mark the kids' books, as it was 'less confrontational'

This sums up our problems far more neatly than I could ever manage.

We have forgotten that as teachers that we are supposed to be in charge, rather than the pupils. Making lessons entertaining has become more important than making them sit still and listen. Punishing badly behaved pupils has been made more and more difficult, as available sanctions have diminished and those higher up the school (and in the Local Education Authority) become less and less willing to back up teachers who try to enforce those that we have left.

'The Tail Wags The Dog' ie the pupils control the school.

Oh I've just remembered- in the red ink example above she'd actually just finished telling me off for using the word (in our department meeting) 'kids' rather than 'Learners' or 'Students'

Mixed Ability Teaching

Let's take the example of two Year 7 kids, Mark and Kylie. Mark can barely read or write and certainly cannot understand anything that is being taught to him. Kylie is highly intelligent. The school is attempting to destroy both of their futures by putting them in the same class. In a few months, Mark will have started to cause trouble because he cannot do any of the work and feels left out. Kylie on the other hand is bored senseless with the work she regards as trivial and is starting to look for her own distractions also.

Mark knows perfectly well that he is not as good at lessons as the rest of his group. The conventional argument (which was preached in Teacher Training) that putting him in a lower set somehow stigmatises him does not make any sense. In a group of his peers he would obviously not stand out.

Teachers can teach effectively to a narrow range of abilities. (It is taboo to say this however) If the ability range is too wide then we simply do not manage.

The National Curriculum

This has resulted in us having to attempt to teach Leon French, when he can barely read or write in English.

However, this is the one area that I am slightly optimistic about. If recent proposals come to anything (which is a mighty 'if') then worthwhile, properly structured vocational courses, which lead to a qualification can be offered to those who are simply not academic. This would be so much better for them than making them plod unsuccessfully through the same work as those with an aptitude for it. I can only hope that we make some progress in this direction.

Blair and Johnson

We've now sold around 2000 copies of It's Your Time You're Wasting, so I'd like to say thanks to all those of you who've bought one.

For those of you who haven't, I should add that none of the material from this blog was used in the book. It's all new stuff so click on the link and buy a copy now!

Copies were sent to both Tony Blair and the Minister for Education, Alan Johnson for their comments, but they never replied. I can't think why we imagined they would; after all it's only about 'education, education, education' so why would they be interested in that?

Healthy Eating Again

Rawmarsh School in South Yorkshire decided to go in for healthy eating in its canteen, but didn't bargain with Mrs Walker and Mrs Critchlow (pictured holding her letters of support from local fast food outlets)

They are busy taking orders from the kids each day at morning break for pies, fish and chips, sandwiches, baked potatoes, burgers and fizzy drinks which they deliver at lunchtime by pushing them through the school railings. I swear I'm not making this up.

Before we rush to condemn them however (and you can rest assured that I'm sorely tempted to), we should consider the following points:

1) They claim (and I will find out if this is true) that the food in the canteen is absolute rubbish and that the school is charging almost twice as much for food such as baked potatoes as local takeaways do.


2) The sight of these two at the school gates would certainly put me off my lunch.

Use Your Head, Teach

In order to recruit more teachers the TDA has commissioned a set of adverts, based around the motto:

'Use Your Head, Teach'

You may have seen some of them in newspapers and on posters up and down the country. I'm not convinced about this one however.

Billions Spent on Schools

Something that's been on my mind since yesterday's post:

Could someone from the Government tell us just what was the point in spending billions on high tech tools when we don't even have the tools to make the kids sit still?

What's in the News?

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2006/09/13/nschools13.xml

Billions spent yet no real improvement in our schools. I reckon most of it has been spent on new forms to fill in.

The kids still share textbooks, discipline has gone out of the window, lessons have become crowd control. Funnily enough, we struggle to attract decent graduates. There is no shortage of computers however.


http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/education/5344310.stm

Drugs education in schools isn't working. Well stone the crows, who would have thought that if you get a load of trendy yoof workers and well meaning teachers to tell the pupils about drugs it will do no good at all.

The only people the kids respect are footballers and 'D' list celebrities. These should be all be rounded up, threatened with disgusting revealations about their private lives and sent round schools to dish out the message that drugs are for losers. A few horror posters showing the state of crack addicts and heroin users wouldn't be a bad idea either.

ps. I got an email today saying that I'd been censored on the Parents Forum! Not sure what the details are yet, but you can check out the thread here

http://www.parentscentre.gov.uk/forum/messageview.cfm?catid=20&threadid=21906&STARTPAGE=3

They don't like me much!

New School Rating System

Good news! Ofsted Inspections are to be abolished and one inspector will simply turn up at random and rate schools according to the formula below:

School Rating = a*b*c*d/e*f*g*h*i*j*k

where:

a= No. of yr 11 pupils attempting to dress as Goths (out of first 30 names on alphabetical Year List)
b= No. of boys with long hair in above sample
c= Percentage of teachers in attendance on day of visit
d= No. of ties worn by first ten male staff seen.
e= No. of Yr 11 pupils with a skinhead in sample used to calculate 'a'
f= No. of pupils called Ashley, Shane or Liam in sample used to calculate 'a' (If this exceeds 5 then school will be awarded 'Failing School' status immediately.)
g= No. of parents visiting the school between 2 and 3pm (ie with nothing better to do)
h= Total No. of tatoos, piercings and miscellaneous ironmongery visible on these parents
i= No. of football shirts worn by the above parental sample
j= No. of pieces of litter visible from main entrance to school (Average of result at 9 am and 1:55pm)
k= Items of grafitti found in a textbook (Average of 5 randomly selected from different classrooms)

Naseem Hamed

Wondered why I'd not had any comments on this but then discovered I'd forgotten to post it. Oh well, I've missed the boat but it's still worth a mention.

Naseem Hamed was released from prison last week after serving less than four months of his 15 month sentence. Am I the only one who thinks that if you get a 15 month sentence then you should be in prison for- let me think about this... 15 months. If you are well behaved in jail then you should come out after; I know... 15 months. If you have been naughty whilst in jail then you should stay until you do start to behave.

Anthony Burgin, who's car was was hit at 90 mph by Hamed is still a real mess. He suffered multiple broken bones and his wife was also seriously injured. They were hit whist Hamed was attempting to overtake another car- the driver of which, described the manouvre as 'suicidal'

Imagine how Mr and Mrs Burgin must have felt seeing the news coverage of the stretch limo arriving to pick up Hamed on his release.

If

'If' by Rudyard Kipling was written in 1895 and 100 years later, was voted Britain's best loved poem in a BBC poll. It emphasises the unfashionable virtues of fortitude, stoicism and quiet determination so I've reproduced it here:


If you can face your Head when all about you,
Are staring at their feet to avoid your eye
If you can trust yourself when all of SMT doubt you,
And instead believe in Chesney’s obvious lie
If you can go along with the sad illusion;
That Wayne’s three day exclusion will be enough
To turn around five years of bad behaviour,
And lately getting Shazney up the duff.


If you can hear- and yet pay no attention
To the sound of Tamsin’s mother on the phone.
Complaining loudly at her daughters detention,
Just move the phone away so she can drone
If you can face a ninety minute lesson,
In the company of Nathan, Brett and Wayne;
If you can read yet take in not one morsel
Of the idiotic scribblings by Dwayne


If you can make one heap of Ashley’s Final Warnings,
When he says he really doesn’t give a toss
And find that nothing can be done about him,
As you have an ineffective boss.
If you can smile- whilst screaming deep within;
At the sight of Drama cover on the board
And the Supply teacher has left your room unlocked,
To be invaded by the screaming horde


If you can stifle yawns of boredom,
As England’s dullest man takes Training Day
If you can deal with stress and see its unimportance;
And you would rather battle on than stay away
If you can watch the good kids working,
Ignoring Leon with his finger in his ear
If you can snatch away his IPod,
Then face his imbecilic father without fear


If neither Coyne nor Ashley, nor Billie-Jo,
Can raise your pulse or blood pressure one jot
If you can grin on seeing that your timetable,
Contains classes you would wish that it did not
Meetings that drag with every passing minute;
As you fight the urge to leap to your feet and run
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s innit,
And-which is more- you’ll be a Man, my son!

Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936)

Healthy Eating

I called into my local Fish and Chip shop last night and found the proprietor in a very upbeat mood. When I remarked on this, he explained that he was celebrating the Government's new initiative on healthy eating in schools.

Somewhat puzzled, I listened to him explain that the Comprehensive a few hundred metres from his door has got rid of their vending machine and has taken chips off the canteen menu.

He spotted an opportunity straight away and installed a gigantic new fridge bursting with cans and bottles and has invested in a new double sized deep fat fryer!

He has had to take on an assistant to cope with the extra lunchtime demand and even admitted that to his shame, a few months ago he had gone on a march organised by local parents to protest at the quality of school dinners.

I laughed all the way home.

You want to go on holiday? You've only just come back...

As the Government wishes to crack down on parents taking their children on holidays during term time, most LEAs instruct schools not to approve requests for holiday absences during the first two weeks of the Autumn term.

The Head therefore has a dilemma.

If they follow these guidelines and refuse permission, then the parents ignore this and the school's unauthorised absence figures go up (which looks bad on the Annual Report) Parents may enjoy their holiday knowing full well that the LEA will not take any action against them.

If they ignore the guidelines as most Heads do and authorise the absence then it simply encourages more parents to do the same.

All in all, a tremendous example of the popular idea that having a rule and writing it down clearly is all that is needed.

Junk Mail

I've just found out that whilst I was away the Royal Mail have decided to start delivering us all a mountain of junk mail.

There are two solutions to this

1) There is probably some number you can ring and waste time speaking to one of my ex pupils who will annoy you with their imbecility and then pass on your details to every direct mailing company in the World.

2) Simply collect it until you have a good sized pile and do some junk mailing of your own. If you are anything like me, shoving it all through the letterbox of your local sorting office once a week will give you no end of quiet satisfaction.

Holidays

One thing I love doing whilst on holiday is spotting souvenirs that have no connection whatsoever with the town they are in. This year's tally include the following:

A statue of a Red Indian on his horse, brandishing an axe. (Courmayeur, Italy)

A model of a lighthouse, with a proper flashing light (also in Courmayeur, at least 250 miles from the Sea)

A beautufully made, balsa wood giraffe. (Lake Maggiore, Italy.)

Do let me know if you think you can beat any of these.

Book In Shops Today

"It's Your Time You're Wasting" is in the bookshops today, so rush out and buy two or three.

Letter to Parents: A New Term

Dear Parent/ Guardian/ Wastrel,

I have today been informed by the Chief Constable of Downtown that 1651 cases of arson, mindless vandalism, theft, muggings and shoplifting have been carried out by our students over the summer holidays. He has asked me to pass on his thanks for your help and constant vigilance, which have clearly paid dividends in reducing this figure from last year.

Soon it will be 'Back to School' time for those of you who bother to ensure that your children regularly attend. Please note that the new term begins on Tuesday 5th September, so try not to drink too much on the Monday night, in order to ensure that your child at least makes an attempt to attend school. We do not wish to hear any lame excuses such as “I didn’t know what day it was.” We are well aware of this already.

Monday will be a Staff Training Day. The SMT will patronise the Staff; boring them into a state of utter depression which will prepare them perfectly for the Autumn Term. There is no need to send us your wayward child on this day as we have no desire to see them for one hour more than the Law demands. Also there is no need for your child to bring their ASBO into school this term as a badge of honour; keep it at home in a safe place next to your own.

At the end of last term, in the interests of promoting fair competition we sent all parents an application form to help your child get into one of our two rival schools; Dimstudents Comprehensive and St. Lucifer’s Academy. The forms have already been filled out for you as some of the words are quite long. Please let us know if your application has been successful as soon as you can be bothered to get out of bed.

We would like to welcome a new member of staff Mrs. Blakewell; who previously worked as chief dog trainer at Scagton Kennels. We expect her to fit in marvellously at St. Thickchilds as long as she is prepared to lower her standards and expectations sufficiently.

A new School Year is a great opportunity to make a new start. Why not have your offspring adopted by some nice couple desperate for the chance to give a child a good start in life? Phone the school for more information as soon as you can tear yourself away from daytime television.

A final note: if your child has been taken away by Social Services or sent to a detention centre over the summer, please let us know so that we can find a better pupil to fill their place. If you happen to know of any other feral children, perhaps part of the interconnected web of chaos that you refer to as your ‘family’; who would like a place at St. Thickchilds, then please do not phone or come in to tell us.

With thanks to Mc Guigans Off Licence for their continued sponsorship and support of the school.

Yours Faithfully

Mr. Morris
Head Teacher

A Level Results. The Debate

A Level Papers in 1936 (Above) compared with 2006 (Below)

Every year around this time, we have the same old debate.

Are the girls in the newspapers shown opening their A Level results getting easier on the eye?

First of all, I asked a Government spokesman Mr. W. Lyar who assured me that the standards were closely monitored each year and their had been no 'dumblonding' down.

Then I spoke to the Head of a leading Teachers Union, Mr. C Ward who said:

"Every year we get the same accusations. You have to bear in mind that fashion and styles have changed over the decades so a direct comparison is very difficult. However we believe that there is no evidence at all of any change."

So there you have it.

Hurrah for the Hols!

Mrs. Chalk and I are jetting away on holiday tomorrow so, Islamic Terrorists willing; posts should resume around the 4th September.

Bye for now.
ps. I've taken down that Amazon banner as it became irritating.
pps Buy a copy of my book. It's excellent.

Hmmm...

I decided to put up Amazon's ad banner at the top of my site after being assured that the content it would advertise would be directly relevant to the people viewing my Blog.

I therefore expected ads for Mensa applications, books about Astrophysics, Philosophy, Politics and Fine Arts. Instead all I've got is stuff with the word 'Chalk' in it.

So much for hi-tech. I'll give it another day or so then bin it if it doesn't improve.

'A' Level results out in a couple of days- I am willing to take bets against the following:

1) Every broadsheet newspaper will have a picture of half a dozen pretty girls from a very nice school, waving their 'A' Level results along with a good looking young Headmistress congratulating them for getting about 12 grade 'A' s each.

2) The results will be the best ever. A ridiculous number of kids will get A-C grades.

3) Somebody important will try to claim that 'A' levels are not getting easier.

4) Lots more students will go on to University to study Psychology, Media Studies and Sociology. Lots fewer will go on to study anything serious.

Any other bets considered.

Oh, why not enter your guess for the sweepstake on the largest number of Grade 'A's achieved by an individual this year. I'm going for 8.

ps. Many thanks to whoever ordered a DVD Box set of "The Goodies" sending the kitty up to £9

More Bullying

On the advice of an email I received last term I headed to Bullyonline.com to discover the 'truth' about bullying. Unfortunately I ended up buying a chocolate brown Bull Mastiff puppy and need to sell another 750 copies of my book to pay for the damn thing. It has chewed through the legs of Mrs. Chalk's favourite chair and curled out a large do-do on the kitchen floor. Apart from that, it is a lovely dog and we have named him Humphrey.

I then headed for www.Bullyonline.org where every conceivable type of bullying is explored. Within minutes I became convinced that I was the victim of domestic bullying and had my wife taken away by the Police.

I also realised that all my friends were bullies, every member of my family and indeed everyone I could think of including myself. To give myself more time to reflect on these discoveries I ordered our student teacher to cover my lessons for the next week and told her that if she said a word to anyone I would make sure she failed her teaching practice. I soon felt much better.

Last year a parent complained that I was not doing enough to stop the persistant bullying of her daughter, Cherelle; who was being bullied by her friends Chevaunne and Collette. In the previous week I also had Chevaunne's parent complain that she was being 'made fun of all the time' by Cherelle. When I phoned Collette's parents, they were furious that the school was doing nothing to stop the 'constant harassment' of her daughter by Chevaunne. I ended up having to draw a little bullying diagram, just to get it all straight. (I might try and patent these and sell them to schools)

It's a giant merry go round of foolishness. In the same way that a sufficiantly large number of monkeys will eventually type out all the works of Shakespeare; so will a sufficiently diligent teacher eventually discover that every child in the school is being bullied by every other.

Survey Again

Many thanks to all those of you that have responded to the survey in the July 31st post (Link Here) emailing with numerous tales of woe regarding SMT, children and parents, balanced out with two expressions of admiration for those in charge (From the same email address!). I'm still trying to collate all the info and will announce results soon.

In the meantime keep them coming and thanks to all those who have participated.

Heroes of Spelling Rescuers of Grammar and Correctors of Factual Errors

I've moved this up again. It's a tribute to those people who still understand that spelling, grammar and factual accuracy are important. Those of you from outside teaching may have thought this was obvious. Those of you who teach will know that it is not.

You may notice that I am having trouble getting the words into neat columns. I've used the £nbsp tag to generate the spaces but when I switch to 'compose' mode they all disappear (although oddly, none of the other HTML tags do.)

Incidently the detectives amongst you will be narrowing down the list of possible subjects that I might teach. No doubt 'English' was crossed off long ago and 'I.T.' will now be joining it.

Heroes of Spelling:


WORD HERO

Independant Anonymous
Discreetly Karrde
Existence Anonymous
Definitely Dan (and Rosey)
Exciting Anonymous
Coherent Anonymous
Dependence Anonymous
Ecstasy Anonymous

(The Rolls Royce website http://100.rolls-royce.com/products/view.jsp?id=363 thinks it should be 'Ecstacy' but I'll trust my commentators)

Cannabis Hilary
Academies (You can tell I didn't attend one)Pen
Incompetence Dieremie
Humorous Anonymous
Bureaucratic Anonymous
Barbecue Anonymous
Veteran Hilary
Sufficiently Pen
Persistent Pen
Edinburgh Anon
Indefinitely Sarah P
vituperative Domino

I'm not going to attempt the feeble excuse that the spellchecker doesn't seem to work. It's pretty poor if I can't even manage to look up a few words in the dictionary.

Please continue to point out any spelling or grammatical mistakes you spot in this blog so that I can correct them. What hope is there for the kids if the teachers can't be bothered to learn how to spell?

ps Thanks to whoever pointed out that a spellchecker is something that witches use.


Rescuers of Grammar

I asked Kyle from Year 11 what his views were on the teaching of grammar; in particular the importance of sentence structure, parts of speech and the different verb tenses. His considered opinion was:

"They don't learn you nuthin' here."

The fact that my own grammar is often wrong merely indicates incompetence on my part, which nowadays is not considered a fault. (In fact it's often the quickest way to a position on the Senior Management Team). I learnt long ago in teaching, that what is said is far more important than what is actually done.

My Version Correct Version Rescuer
I am sat I am sitting Pen
Absolve Abdicate Rich

Factual Errors

Doggy Matters:

Chocolate Brown is not a recognised colour for a Bull Mastiff nor indeed for many other pedigree breeds such as the Labrador. Thanks to Syb

The Caption Competition

Ok, thanks for all your entries in the caption competition for the picture of teacher Emma Wright. (reprinted below for no good reason)

Emma Wright In Class

It was a close thing with 'Miss-Demeanor' and 'Miss is Bottom Of The Class!' tying for second place. However the judge (Mrs Chalk) has spoken and pronounced the winner to be Danny from Luton who originally emailed me the title I used for the post. 'A Bit Of All Wright!'

A signed pre-release copy of 'It's Your Time You're Wasting' will be in the post to you, Danny as soon as you email me your address.

ps I'm thinking of sending the proceeds from Amazon (when people click through from this site and buy things, I get a small commission) to a school in Africa. Don't know which one yet though. Suggestions and alternative ideas welcome.

pps Whoever bought 'Elvis' Greatest Hits' has sent the total to six quid! Thankyou.

A Sad Tale

This is what happens when parents abdicate all responsibility for their child and we likewise refuse to punish them for minor and later more major offences. They gradually realise that they can do whatever they like. Sadly in this case the judge has decided to confirm this. Tragically, it will not be long before the boy does the same thing again.

My thoughts go out to the victims family.

Daily Mail

A bit of All Wright. Fwooarr!!

A big thanks to Emma Wright for putting a stop to any silly worries I had been having recently about bringing the Teaching Profession into disrepute.

Daily Mail

Emma claims that she was unaware that the programme might ask her to strip off. I can understand this, as it happens to me all the time. One minute you're engaged in lively debate and the next, you're in a studio posing stark naked for the camera.

Can you imagine facing the slavering dads at parents evening? Or trying to tell a pupil off for say, wearing too short a skirt?

A free copy of my book to the best 'Sun style' headline for this one.

Going Round In A Tumble Dryer

This has nothing to do with Teaching but I think it show the way our society is heading.

BBC News

This daft fireman got into a tumble dryer and his mates filmed him going round. They then stupidly sent the film to the media. A spokesman from the Fire Brigade described getting into a tumble dryer and going round a few times as "A reckless Act". Another described it as "Extremely dangerous"

Are these people mad? This bloke runs into burning buildings for a living. If my house ever goes up in a blaze and I end up standing on my roof with the flames licking at my toes, I want to know that there is someone down there who had the bottle to get into a tumble dryer and shout "Turn it on!". A veteran of several revolutions in a tumble dryer as a young man, invariably fuelled by alcohol, I can confirm that you might get a few minor bruises, which should teach you not to do it again. You would not however catch me attempting to fight fires, which is something that really is dangerous.

The proper way to deal with this would be for the Boss to gather them all around, tell them never to film themselves in uniform and also the stupidity of sending anything to the media. Then make those involved polish the fire engine for a week, run round the station for several hours in all their kit or anything else unpleasant. But no, we are going to have a full inquiry, which will no doubt conclude that "Fireman Jones went round in a tumble dryer ten times" As a taxpayer, I don't want to pay for this. Instead, I want it to be made a compulsory part of Fireman training.

The next thing you know, they'll start building Firestations without poles because of Health and Safety...

School Mottos

I love receiving these. The sicklier the better. (I know that they sort of give away where you work, but you could always say that you 'spotted them whilst on holiday' or 'your friend told you' or something.)

My current favourite is 'Learning For Success' sent in by 'Flutters'

However, I refuse to believe any of the following ones:

"Every Child Will Excel" (In a US school purportedly sponsored by Microsoft)

"Reinforcing Failure" from 'Anonymous'

"Spitting for Success" from 'J Bloggs'

And I'm not entirely convinced by 'Inclusivity For All' from D Barton

Even More News

I can barely keep up with the current crop of treasures in the News.

Teaching kids the difference between right and wrong? Well you'd think that at least we could try. When you look at some of the parents I'd suggest that we shouldn't trust them to do it.

The Times

Research has shown that teachers who have a good loud voice are better than those who don't. Well that was money well spent. Stone the crows, who'd have thought it!

The BBC

Teaching is not a boring job. Well not in my place anyway; as long as you count being spat on, sworn at and having your lessons continually ruined by brainless morons as interesting.

BBC Again

ps Three Cheers to whoever bought a breadmaker on Amazon after clicking through from this site. You have brought my comission (which will be given to a suitable charity) to £4.66. I still need to find a charity that benefits teachers though. Suggestions welcome

More Gems In The News

Well there goes my chances of ever getting another job:

BBC News

Those of you from outside the teaching profession might find it hard to believe, but there are still some of our number who do not think that spelling and grammar are important. No wonder employers are tearing their hair out. All most of them want are kids that can read, write and do a few simple sums without going off with stress and depression every three days.

Sir Digby Jones, ex Head of the Confederation of British Industry was also pretty shocked to discover a few home truths about the kids we are churning out:

BBC News

However not all the news is bad. Whilst half of school leavers cannot spell, read properly, punctuate a sentence or do simple sums; nobody could accuse the Professional Association of Teachers of not knowing what's important:

BBC News Again

Amazon

I received an email from Amazon today informing me that I had earned £1.71 commission from people clicking on the book advert but actually buying other items instead.

So here's a big thanks to the purchasers of Mr Potato Head, a guide to Home Improvements and a set of children's books.

If anyone knows of a charity that benefits teachers then let me know and I will send them the proceeds of this little earner. I'll keep you informed of how much we raise.

ps ' To Midlands Teachers' I don't think I've received your email.
pps Thanks to whoever just ordered a barbecue! Another 24 pence.

If You Think I'm Bad...

Whilst I try to entertain you as best I can; how can I possibly compete with the comic geniuses meeting under the guise of the Professional Association of Teachers.

BBC News

This is the same organisation that suggested in exams the word 'fail' should be replaced with 'deferred success'.

In the past I may have had the odd worry about bringing the profession into disrepute, but groups like this make my efforts seem puny. Six weeks glorious holiday that most workers would give their right arm for and they spend it in a Union Meeting...

I always knew that the day would come when I could stand up proud and say in my best Churchillian voice:

"I may have my faults, but at least I have never accused a pupil of being clever"

Easy Money

Read the following story:

BBC News


I hearby volunteer to be poked fun at and have a few lewd remarks thrown my way. That will be £800 000 thankyou very much.

Why do we constantly pander to those who simply cannot cope with the stresses and pressures of their job whilst never giving any appreciation to those who do exactly the same job and simply get on with it.

Adults who complain of bullying at work need to get some spine, some self respect or better still, another job.

Survey Response

I've been amazed by the number of emails I've received already to this survey (with stories that are amusing and heartbreaking in equal measure) Virtually every one of them reflects a deep frustration at the sheer inability to actually do anything (rather than tick boxes or claim to reach targets)

'Anonymous' made a good point with their comment on the first survey post. Don't forget the positive examples as I often do.

Oh and can you all come up with a name for comments and emails? I've got about 150 'Anonymous's and I've no idea how many are the same person. Use your imagination and make one up!

Thanks again for all the replies.

Survey

After receiving some very interesting recent emails comparing teaching in different parts of the UK, I've agreed to do a survey.

I need you the readers to send me your horror stories (not as comments on the Blog, but via my email link under the book adverts for reasons of confidentiality).

I'm interested in reports of the kids' behaviour, attitudes of their parents, the abilities of yur SMT and also of the new teachers compared with the older ones. Violence, sex and drug abuse along with anything else that you can remember.

Give the County or City that you are from but any more location detail is up to you.

Many thanks in advance

Frank Chalk

Wasting Police Time

I've put up a link for David Copperfield's book 'Wasting Police TIme'

I read it (as it's also published by Monday Books) and it is a shocking expose of modern policing. His aim, like mine; is to bring to the public's attention the bureaucratic nonsense, political correctness and lack of leadership that has become as commonplace in the Police Force as it has in Teaching.

He provides a humorous and revealing insight into what your average Bobby actually does all day. He also writes the Coppersblog at http://coppersblog.blogspot.com/ which is well worth a read.

ps. If anybody can tell me how to get the advert to appear next to mine rather than underneath it, I'd be very grateful.

How it all works part 2

Apparently in some schools the title 'Senior Management Team' is no longer allowed, presumably because it has the word 'man' hidden within it, which is deeply offensive to women.

Now it’s 'Senior Leadership Team'.

With the foundations of the Education System crumbling beneath our feet, it’s good to know that time and effort is devoted to dreaming up new names for things. As we all know, the best way to improve something is to change its name.

It’s been a long time since you were allowed to say 'blackboard' in school. (It has the word 'black' in it, which must be extremely upsetting to anybody whose skin is black.) I sympathise, because I burst into tears and had to go home a couple of weeks ago when another teacher humiliated me by referring to a 'whiteboard'

Imagine how un PC you would be if you were the 'Blackboard Manager'

Let me know of any other name changes that haven't yet arrived here at St. Thickchilds.

Oh and marvel at the swish new link to my book on the sidebar.

How it All Works

A recent email pointed out that not all readers of this blog are teachers and asked if I would explain a few things rather than assume that everyone knows what I'm on about.

So here goes...

Ok. We have State and Private schools. State ones are free, Private ones you pay to attend or get an increasingly rare scholarship.

State Schools consist mainly of Comprehensive Schools, with a few dozen Grammar Schools and Academies. All Comprehensives have been told to apply to become specialists in a particular subject, eg. Performing Arts, Science, IT, Business Studies etc. About two thirds have already done so.

Moving on to the staff. Headmasters and Headmistresses are now called Head Teachers due to political correctness which is the most important part of modern teaching. Competence at your job is of no relevance whatsoever.

There will be one or more Deputy or Assistant Headteachers, depending on the size of the school and possibly a few extra bodies with titles such as Head of Upper School or Head of Lower School.

The Group described above make up the Senior Management Team (SMT) They make all the executive decisions on the running of the school.

Most children start Secondary Education at the age of 11. Their first year is called year 7, despite the fact that it is their 8th year at school. They take their GCSEs in Year 11 and if the school has a Sixth Form the two years are called year twelve and thirteen.

Each Year group usually has a Head of Year and a Deputy Head of Year.

Each Department eg. Maths, English or Science will have its own Head and Deputy Head of Department.

All of the above will usually do some teaching as well.

Then we have the ordinary teachers who do most of the teaching in the school. They may pick up additional points by taking on various responsibilities such as Key Stage 3 Co ordinator (in charge of the work done up to the end of Year 9 including the SAT tests) which gain them extra pay and headaches.

This is a broad outline, for the benefit of those outside Teaching. I'll add to it soon, but in the meantime, please feel free to let me know if I've missed anything out.

(Read VoteFranco's excellent comment below, which corrects my statement that State Schools are 'free')

Another Shocking Incident

Last Wednesday we had another serious incident in School.

Without any provocation whatsoever, Kylie from Year 8 marched up to Mr Blunt and said ‘Thankyou’ after the school day out to Scagton.

Mr Blunt fainted dead away and had to be revived by the school nurse. On coming round, he remarked that he had never heard such an outburst before. There were several witnesses to the event, all are said to be receiving counselling.

"We are not used to hearing this sort of language from pupils." Said Mr. Green, still obviously in shock. "Kylie may need to be moved to another school where they are more used to dealing with this sort of behaviour."

Kylie's mother Mrs Scraggins, told us:

"Our Kylie hasn't learnt that kind of talk in my 'ouse, I can tell you that. It's since she started 'anging about with that Jennifer; she's nothing but well behaved, she is."

Spammers, Scammers and Other Pests

This morning I received a flood of spam comments to the blog. They are all by 'anonymous' and usually say something like "Great site. Will be visiting again real soon!" (So you could easily think that they were genuine)

I've left a couple up (Spirit of Ecstasy-last comment) They were from various loan companies, gambling sites etc. I replied to all of them, informing them that they had won first prize in my site competition and all they had to do was send me a cheque for £25 for 'verification purposes' and they would receive a unique signed first edition copy of my book worth £10000 (estimated value)

Feel free to send them any promotions of your own, virus infested emails or 20 gigabyte video attachments that you think they may be interested in.

In the meantime, thanks for reading my blog and may I wish you all a very nice Summer Holiday.

Mr Chalk

Desperately Sad

I knew Mr Green was angry by the way he threw his briefcase on the staffroom floor, kicked it and shouted "The f****** tosser!"

I'm like that, I can sense people's moods.

He did not need much questioning to tell his tale; basically it will be one you have all heard a thousand times before.

Dwayne was mucking about in his lesson; being a pain, distracting the others. Mr Green told him to move, Dwayne refused, he threatened to call for the SMT and the kid shouted "You think I'm f****** bothered!" To be honest it happens so frequently it's almost tedious to relate.

Anyway; Duty member of SMT turns up, Dwayne loudly refuses to go with him for the benefit of his mates, duty SMT begs and cajoles, promising all sorts of things. They both leave, nothing further heard. Mr. Green sees Dwayne leaving at home time along with all his friends, laughing and shouting. He corners SMT chap and asks why he's let him go and what's his punishment going to be. SMT explains that he's had a good chat with Dwayne and he's not such a bad boy at all once you get to know him etc...

Mr. Green has taught for twenty years and is a far better teacher than I could ever hope to be. He is perfectly capable of giving out his own punishment to Dwayne and is not one of those teachers who constantly pester the SMT with minor problems. What he needs, like all of us, is a bit of back up when Dwayne decides that he doesn't want to do what the classroom teacher tells him to.

As he was clearly upset, a few of us went for a beer with him after school and after some more ranting we ended up laughing about the futility of it all.

It wasn't really the time for major questions such as what the hell is going to happen to these kids after they leave us? Never having been made to do what they're told.

Or questions such as why, oh why do we have such weak leaders who are unwilling or unable to back up the staff?

Or why do we have to waste 29 decent kids' time whilst we pander endlessly to one badly behaved child?

No it wasn't really the time for those sort of questions, because we've asked them so many times before and given up hope of hearing a sensible answer.

Recent email

A recent email described my blog as offensive, poorly written, insulting and unimaginative. After careful thought I have to admit that this is absolutely true.

Oh and thanks to Hilary for pointing out that Mr doesn't need a full stop in front of it, because the M and R aren't next to each other in the original word. It's amazing what you learn...

24654th Bestseller

I discovered yesterday that 'It's Your Time You're Wasting' is the 24 654th best seller in the UK according to Amazon. See for yourself:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0955285402/202-5994207-5735839?v=glance&n=266239

and scroll down to 'Product Details'

I was absolutely full of myself and had convinced myself that success as an author was just a few steps away. (Well 24653 anyway). I assured Mrs. Chalk that I would not be changed by the trappings of fame and promised to ignore the attentions of groupies.

Her withering look brought me back to Earth as she pointed out that the 7th best seller was a book on Astrology.

Astrology, for God's sake! How can anybody possibly be that stupid. (Visions of my Year 11 bottom set wander into my mind)

I imagine nowadays that it's probably a degree course somewhere.

Meet The Pupils

Let's introduce a few of our customers. We will start with the bottom set Year 11 group that I am currently facing:

Sitting in the front row with his mouth open, Jordan ponders life's many mysteries. Imagine a coin with 'clever' and 'foolish' on opposite sides. Now bring 'foolish' around to the 'clever' side.

Jordan’s face would be beaming at you from the reverse of the coin.

Jordan's friend Liam is also desktop material, but has a practical side to him. He is a dab hand with a screwdriver, using it to open car doors or if this is not successful; to write his initials on the bodywork. They say that procrastination is the thief of time but Liam is the thief of everything else. He would steal the air out of your car tyres where it not for the fact that your radio interests him more.

If the question is “Who ate all the pies?” then Tracey is the answer. She is so fat that she has her own gravitational field. You can actually see light bending around her. It is not so much a case of her eating the wrong things as eating all the things. Her figure is not helped by her lack of understanding of the concept of movement. If she was any more slothful, I could easily mistake her for a geological feature.

Jade is busy trowelling even more foundation onto her hideous orange face. Her hair is pulled back mercilessly into a tiny ball, presumably to make her head look like a giant sprout.

Kyle is Afro-Carribean and has worked hard to reinforce the stereotype of the troublesome black boy since the moment he joined us five long years ago. He was recently found in posession of a small amount of cannabis. Our school has a zero tolerance policy on drugs which means that if you are caught with them, then you get a severe warning about the school’s zero tolerance policy on drugs.

It's Your Time You're Wasting

Lots of people have emailed me recently to ask about the book. The title is 'It's Your Time You're Wasting' which strained my punctuation abilities to their limits.

It's the story of a year at St. Thickchilds (actually I wasn't allowed to call my school St. Thickchilds in the book, I had to change it to St. Jude's) mixed in with my views on the current problems in education and proposed solutions.

Some of the stories will make you laugh, others will make you angry and one or two might even make you cry. I don't hold back; my own faults are there for all to see as well as those of others. My views are robust and often controversial. Characters from the book occasionally appear in this blog, although none of the material does.

It should be in the shops on September 4th to cheer you up (or finish you off) as the new school year begins. You can order it from Amazon http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0955285402/202-5994207-5735839?v=glance&n=266239 and they may deliver it earlier.

I will do a post where you can submit reviews and anyone who spots a spelling mistake or grammatical error will receive a free subscription to 'The Quarterwit'.

Bad Lads Army

Following a recommendation, I watched ‘Bad Lads Army Extreme‘ on the TV the other night. This is billed as putting a bunch of naughty boys through 1950s style Army training. I was looking forward to seeing Wayne and Leon peeling a gigantic pile of potatoes or scrubbing the parade ground with their toothbrushes.

Alas the reality as with all TV was very different. If you didn’t like it, you simply threw a tantrum; stormed off telling everyone where to go and went home, without any comeback. The others have no doubt been bribed off-camera to play along in order to keep the series going, otherwise they would all walk out. Thinking about it, that's a bit like our school really. Also, why is everything called 'extreme' these days? The only extreme thing was the number of offences this motley bunch had commited without any real consequences.

Hmm...

Thanks to 'Anonymous' for telling me how to get extra spaces between words. Now for a real test...does anybody know how to put a little photo of my book cover in the sidebar?

The Temple of Idiocy

This afternoon I am sat in the Temple of Idiocy_ my own name for a place that has had its title changed from the Punishment Room to the Emergency Room to the Exclusion Room and finally to the Inclusion Room in order to remove the slightest suggestion that being sent there is in any way the fault of the pupil.

I cast my weary eye over the customers in front of me: 90% are familiar faces who spend more time in here than in their lessons, the others are hangers on, flirting with the edges of naughtiness.

Let's consider the front row; Safraz, a Somalian has constantly misbehaved for so long that I would actually be suspicious if he was to suddenly start being good. Yesterday he used the immortal line:

"Why should I do what you say?"

To which I replied that I couldn't think of any good reason why he should do what I said as he could do whatever he liked in school because the Head will never throw him out. Even if he attempted to, Safraz's parents need only turn up with a solicitor and cry 'Racism' and the Head will simply back down. Safraz thanked me politely for my advice but assured me that he already knew this, as his friend Faisal pulled off the same trick a couple of months ago.

Sitting to the right of Safraz, Liam was born without any brain cells and yet is dumped in mainstream education where we cannot (and frankly don't want to) cope with his nill attention span and constant shouting out, running about and production of animal noises. He needs to be regularly beaten with a stick and given a course in social skills. After all with social skills he could at least get some sort of job. At the moment he cannot talk to an adult at all without smirking, sniggering, glancing around or making a noise like a monkey. Unfortunately we have no plans to give him either his beating or his social skills, neither will his mother; therefore he will drift into petty crime, live on benefits or most likely both.

To Liam's right we have Sherry, who will undoubtably be pregnant soon because she has never been told that perhaps she should not have sex with every boy in year 9. That is not to suggest that the other years at our school contain any more suitable males for her to copulate with.

Lastly, may I introduce Dwayne. He is the most mature of the group and runs a successful business selling counterfeit DVD's and cannabis. He is quite able to hold a normal coversation (as long as the topic concerns illegal activity). His grasp of basic mathematics is good and he is quite capable of converting from Imperial to Metric weights. He also has a good grasp of fractions. I might suggest to the Head of Mathematics that we consider using drugs and counterfeit goods as a central part of the lessons.


There is a knock on the door followed by its immediate opening and another member of our client base arrives. His method of introduction is to shout 'I'm here!' in a dramatic fashion whilst grinning wildly and waving his hands in the air like a pop star (or a gibbon). This is rapidly followed by a greeting of 'Oh no it's him!' upon seeing me.

I chuck him out without a second thought and let the Special Needs assistant follow him in order to pander to his every whim.

It's a depressing place all right and it brings home to me the fact that we have deliberately let down every kid in this room. Their parents are useless; we are the only things standing between them and lives consigned to the Underclass; crime, drugs and prison.

Dwayne and co. have no respect for us at all and I don't blame them. We don't give them any reason to. Our punishments are a joke. 'Verbal warnings' that are ignored or openly laughed at. Written warnings that have no consequences. Endless second chances, 'Fresh Starts', 'Behavioural Contracts'; anything to gloss over our inaction.

We send letters home to parents who could not care less. Endless differently coloured Report Cards are given out, where bad comments have no significant effect. Detentions where non attendance is punished with another one which can similarly be skipped. One, two or three day holidays (sorry exclusions). It is all window dressing to make it appear that we are trying our best. In reality we are failing them miserably.

If you want to know what I'd do then buy my book (In fact buy it anyway, even if you couldn't care less what I would do!)

Replies and comments

Thanks to all those who've left comments on this site and please keep them coming. They make me feel that I'm not just talking to myself. (Not that I'm judgemental about anyone who does do that, I hasten to add; before the Society of Self Communication Therapists comes after me...)

Some of them are very funny, some are informative and others are critical but to my amazement, (and this really will tempt fate) none have been abusive. (I have the mighty power to delete comments but haven't needed to yet) I've worked out some ground rules and they are as follows, so pay attention:

No swearing. We can hear that at school.
No mindless abuse.
Really good ones will be pilfered, reworked and incorporated into future writing.

ps. Due to popular demand, I have stopped using these _

Self Control_A forgotten Idea

Kids shouting out in class constantly demanding attention, drunks fighting in the street, hysterical outbursts at the slightest perceived insult_ what have they all got in common?

"Lack of self control Mr. Chalk!" I hear you reply.

The non-stop sending of abusive mobile phone messages, the growing problem of obesity, alcoholism and dependence on drugs both legal ind illegal. The mountain of litter in our city centres and football players throwing childish tantrums.

"We've just told you Mr. Chalk_lack of self control! (And if you don't start listening we'll smash your...)"

Whether it's an inability to ignore and rise above a foolish comment, to stop eating, or carry a piece of litter 50 yards and put it in a bin; it all boils down to self-control, a forgotten idea but one that is overdue a comeback.

Whatever happened to quiet dignity? To facing adversity with stoicism rather than mindless screaming? To taking stock of a situation, perhaps realising that we may have partly brought it upon ourselves, and accepting some share of the blame rather than shrieking "I know my rights!"

Stoicism, dignity and fortitude. I'd like to spend more time teaching about them.

'The Quarterwit' (August Edition)

You definitely won't want to miss out on this month's special Summer Edition of 'The Quarterwit'

All the usual inane gossip plus:

Wayne tells us how to remove your Tag in order to make the most of the warm weather and Liam shows us the best way to climb up a drainpipe in order to reach those tricky upstairs windows.

Tracey and Chevaunne from Year 9 review the latest pirated DVDs

Free! Pull-Out Guide to the Top Ten High St. shops to pilfer from and Darren explains what to tell the Police if you are caught.

Feature Article_ Life After St. Thickchilds. We interview Lee, now at Downtown University; where he is painting the new extension to the Physics Department. Plus an exclusive interview with ex-pupil Coyne from his cell in Downtown Prison.

Exclusive pictures of Sherryann from Year 9 with her new baby, Chavney.

Turn your neighbourhood into a Summer Battleground with our Article: 'How to Make an Air Rifle'!

Every edition comes with a free spraycan in one of three exciting colours. Copies on Sale from July 16th.

Spirit of Ecstasy

The Spirit of Ecstasy is the name for the statue that adorns the front of every Rolls Royce. It was designed in 1911 by Charles Robinson Sykes and behind it is a story of forbidden love, social injustice and unrequieted feeling. It was modelled on a lady called Eleanor Thornton and you'll no doubt wish to read more at http://www.darkforce.com/royce/ecstacy.htm

The silver lady epitomises quality, craftsmanship and timeless elegance. Not to be outdone however, I am designing my own symbol to adorn our headed notepaper and the new school gates. I shall call it the Spirit of Idiocy and behind it is a tale of anti-social behaviour, foolishness and downright stupidity. In short, a celebration of ignorance.

It will be modelled on Shazney from Year 10, next time she comes into school.

Bullying

The latest fashion in Teaching is to be 'bullied'.

How on Earth can an adult claim with a straight face that they are being bullied at work? Have they got no self respect at all? What use is someone going to be in front of thirty hoodlums if they can't even deal with their own colleagues.

It's just another element of our increasingly cry-baby culture. Whatever happened to the traditional advice of 'Stand up for yourself'

Why has it been replaced with ''Just give up and take six months off'

Now that we are all trained to be victims from an early age, what was once known as workplace banter is now called 'bullying'

When I first started teaching, my Head of Department was always asking me to do things for him. He once handed me his entire set of reports and asked me if I could just add up the marks and fill out a sheet with the correct grades for each pupil. Always eager to please, I enthusiastically agreed and then the next day when he enquired if I had finished them yet, I regretfully announced that I had taken them all home and could not find them.

For ten days I made up an ever more ridiculous series of implausible scenarios including leaving them in the wrong pigeonhole, the theft of my briefcase, mysterious guests picking them up by mistake etc. By the time I eventually 'found' them, not having done a single one; he was at his wits' end. Other teachers were pestering him for his reports, deadlines had passed and the Head was on his back. Never again did he ask me even the smallest favour.

This was an easy and obvious way of dealing with a minor problem. There were dozens of alternative methods that I could have employed, ranging from polite refusal up to simply telling him to go and fornicate with himself.

Nowadays I'd be off with 'bullying' and he'd be off with 'stress'

My Identity

Several people have emailed me recently to ask whether I had considered the possibility of losing my job if I was to be identified. I am touched by their concern. (Until they attempt to blackmail me, anyway)

It's an interesting point. Technically I am probably guilty of 'Bringing the profession into disrepute' but then so are most of our SMT simply by coming in to school.

Only one other teacher knows who I am, and they have been sworn to secrecy using an oath that no member of the profession would ever dare break.

'I do solemnly swear that I shall not reveal Mr. Chalk's identity. Cross my heart and hope to cover Drama.'

The Secret Brotherhood of The Unilluminati

Scholars have long suspected that a mysterious and ancient Brotherhood had its base on the site of St. Thickchilds, here in Downtown. It is known as the Unilluminati and has remained a secret for many centuries.

The group has only one aim:

'To prevent the spread of knowledge and wisdom.'

Members of the group take elaborate precautions to keep their identity hidden, including the wearing of hooded garments (hence the word 'Brotherhood_ a shortened form of 'Brother of the hood') and the use of a form of handwriting which is impossible to decipher.

One clue is in the symbology of their name. If 'Unilluminati' is misspelt and written upside down in poor handwriting, it is impossible to distinguish it from the original word.

The group has lain idle for many years but is now being called to arms once again, for reasons that I am currently investigating.

Little is know about the society's origins except that they claim to be descended from St. Dwayne, Patron Saint of Foolishness, who was executed in 134 AD after he refused to publicly accept the existence of the six times table. Later, followers of the group fled to Britain to escape the flourishing of wisdom known as The Renaissance, leaving signs of their passing all across Europe. These however, are only visible to the well trained eye. Under the cover of an exchange visit, I am discreetly carrying out my research.

It can be no coincidence that Downtown is twinned with the small French town of Dole. Sitting outside a cafe with a glass of the local spirit (known as Benefi) I can see the clues all around. Just across the street lies the headquarters of the 'Association Societe Boulangers Ordinaire' whose initials convey a clear message of welcome to all Brothers. It reminds me that I am deep within the enemy's lair and must take every precaution to avoid being discovered.

More revealations will follow shortly...

Punishing pupils

I imagine that you were as shocked as I was, upon reading in the press recently about the latest scandal to hit teaching.

At first I was sceptical, believing that the teaching profession had stamped out this sort of conduct years ago. Independent sources however confirm the report's accuracy.

It is certainly a shocking case_ The teacher will stand trial in the Crown Court later this month, accused of punishing a pupil because of his behaviour, and then further demeaning the child's status by referring to him as a 'naughty boy'.

'It's a serious blow to those of us who had hoped that stories like this were a thing of the past. Who can say what mental scars this poor child will bear for the rest of his life.' Commented Mr Wringer, Deputy Head in Charge of Discipline.

More details of the case have emerged_ apparently the teacher kidnapped the boy at 3:30 pm and kept him imprisoned at the school for twenty minutes before armed police stormed the building. The accused was led away protesting that he was giving something called a 'detention', however Senior Staff at the school confirmed that they had never heard of the term.

'The dirty pervert_my son done nuffink!' Said one eyewitness; Mrs Scrotum.

The Headteacher Mr. Beard clarified the school's position on the matter:

'We have a clear policy of rewarding pupils regardless of their behaviour. All behaviour is treated equally in our school and we refuse to be prejudiced against a particular form of self expression. Bad must be rewarded just as good will be.'

It is understood that the teacher will ask for 23 other offences to be taken into consideration including telephoning a child's parents, denial of pupils' human rights to eat, drink and use profanities in the classroom, refusal to allow children to smoke in the playground and refering to the dark rectangular object at the front of his room as a 'blackboard'

The case will be heard on Tuesday

A.D.H.D. = All Down to His Dad

Perform the following experiment:

Go and find a G.P. Ask them if they have ever seen a kid that they genuinely felt (as opposed to the hundreds whom they will have diagnosed simply to get the parent out of the room) had ADHD from a family which made them take regular outdoor exercise, fed them a healthy diet, insisted on good manners at all times, sent them to bed at a sensible hour and refused to indulge their every whim.

Now count the fingers on one hand and let me know which number is greater.

Thanks

Many thanks for the kind messages of support for the blog. It's always nice to hear what readers think; good, bad or even just correcting my spelling mistakes.

If my ramblings make a teacher smile rather than cry after a day of humiliation from the dregs of society then I can go to bed feeling that I've done something wothwhile.

Mr. Chalk

Mr Chalk's Laws of Teaching

Chalk's First Law: "No suggestion in teaching is so ridiculous that it will not be taken seriously and earnestly debated"

Chalk's Second Law: "The frequency of 'buzzwords' and jargon in a person's speech is inversely proportional to their general competence"

Chalk's Third Law: "No new idea in teaching has ever worked"

Why Are Kids So Naughty These Days?

There's a question I hear all the time. It's an easy one to answer.

They don’t do it because they’re bored, or because they live in 'deprived' areas, or 'there is nothing for young people to do’ or any other fashionable excuse, dreamt up by naive people usually in posession of a beard and a degree in Psychology. Each of these excuses is easily dismissed. Do we seriously imagine that there was more entertainment on offer in, for example the 1930s or that people were less deprived then? The answer is simple.

Kids misbehave because it's fun to do so and there is no longer any reason not to.

Have we all forgotten how enjoyable it is to hang around in a gang as a teenager and intimidate terrified adult passers-by? It's great entertainment! I'd do it this very evening if Mrs. Chalk didn't keep me in check by being the equivalent of the old fashioned village Policeman.

Kids have formed gangs and misbehaved since the dawn of time_it's perfecly natural adolescent behaviour to explore the boundaries of accepted behaviour and to push and prod them a bit. We learn where these boundaries lie by experiences at home, at school, what we see and read in the media, from the way adults behave in public and finally from the Police.

Nowadays many parents have abandoned any attempt to bring up their children. Lots of schools have given up trying to impose rules they cannot enforce. No sane passer-by would dare tell off a group of teenagers behaving badly for fear of being stabbed, and there are only about four coppers per city; three of whom are behind desks, busy filling in forms and the other one is attending a 'gender awareness' course.

'The Quarterwit' (July Edition)

Don't miss the exciting July edition of St. Thickchilds School magazine 'The Quarterwit' where we feature an exclusive interview with Wayne, a local drugs dealer; to hear his views on the Human Rights Act. Wayne is available every afternoon from 3.30 at the school gates to talk to any pupil who has a problem with drugs and he will be visiting our school on July 19th to give us a presentation of his work within the community.

Along with all the usual fashion tips for non uniform day, the best places to go when playing truant and an in-depth review of local Off Licences by Hayley Scroggins from Year 9, we're also presenting some important Scientific Research by Tyrone Smegson and his friend Dwayne from Year 10 that has shown how pupils work better when listening to loud Rap music.

For the parents we've got a special article: 'How to make a Spurious Claim against the school' written by a local solicitor.

Plus: 'Excluded for a crime he did not commit.' We speak to Leon, formerly of year 8, now selling half price cigarettes on Downtown Market (Tuesdays and Thursdays only)


Copies on Sale from June 16th. Don't Miss it!

School Trips

Dear Ungrateful Parent/ Guardian/ Care Giver/ Current Adult Occupier of Home,

Although there are only five decent children in the entire school, we have decided to attempt a school trip to Scagton on Sea, departing July 6th 2006.


Originally we did not plan on taking any of the ‘scuzzy’ kids, but as a favour to you which will doubtless remain unappreciated and despite your child’s history of disgraceful behaviour both in and out of school, we have foolishly decided against our better judgement to allow them to accompany us.


The cost of this excursion to you is £25, which is far less than the cost to our mental health. Please do not attempt to claim that your Stacey ‘definitely gave the money to Mr. Jones or someone’ as we know perfectly well that she will have spent it on cider.

The staff have all drawn straws and the 6 losers will be going on the trip.

You will need to provide your slovenly ne’er-do-well with a packed lunch and some spending money. You will not be asked to show where it came from.

Please complete the form below and return it to school with your offspring if they attend on a regular basis. If they do not; simply bring it yourself the next time you come and visit us uninvited to complain about some trivial incident.

Please Note: Sunscreen is not ‘just for poofs’ and should be liberally applied to your child before departure as we the staff (apart from Mr. Griffin the Music Teacher) do not wish to have to touch them.

The coach is scheduled to return to school at approx 7pm. Please do not turn up an hour late with some foolish excuse which only belies your uncaring attitude and general ineptness. Those pupils that are returning courtesy of Her Majesty’s Constabulary will be taken directly to their homes.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Please cross out words which do not apply (if any)

I Parent/ Guardian/ Scruffy, useless, slack-jawed and gormless Adult give permission for my son/ daughter (even if they aren’t really mine) to go on St. Thickchilds School Trip to Scagton on Sea departing July 6th 2006.

I do/ do not give permission for my child to engage in shoplifting.

I will later attempt to sue the school for one of the following ficticious events:

Sunburn
Molestation
Other (please specify)

My child will claim that the following has been stolen:

Money
Mobile Phone
MP3 Player
All of the above

I have/ have an ASBO
My child has/ has an ASBO

Signed



Print Name (Or get a member of staff to do it for you)

Science and Foolhardiness

The Scientific Unit of Length is the Metre. The Unit of Electrical Current is the Amp and to measure Stupidity, we use the Wesley. (Named after a foolish pupil at St. Thickchilds in a similar way that the unit of resistance, the Ohm; was named after a Mr. Ohm.)

Each of these units needs to be rigourously defined to be of any use. The metre is defined in terms of the speed of light, an Amp is equal to a certain number of electrons passing a point in one second.

The Wesley is currently less well defined and to remedy this, I need the help of you; the reader. I require the accurate grading of several acts of imbecility in order to produce a chart which will then be delivered to the Institute of Scientific Measurement based in Paris who have agreed to consider adopting the Wesley as an international Standard Unit.

Forgetting your homework is an act of 0.5 Wesley.

Shouting out during a lesson demonstrates wisdom of 2 Wesley.

Scribbling your own name on your desk is generally held to be behaviour of around 4 Wesley.

Pretending to be your father when the school secretary phones home to ask why you are truanting and then falling for a simple trick question is conduct of 8 Wesley.

Climbing on to the school roof and shouting obscenities at passers by would be rated at approximately 15 Wesley.

Please Note. In the Metric System a force of 10 Wesley is equal to 1 Dwayne.

An Unfortunate Tale

An interesting article appearing in several newspapers over the weekend concerning 10 year old James Smith; the child whose tragic collection of medical conditions is baffling experts up and down the country. Let’s hear from Dr. Jones, Chief Physician at the hospital where James is receiving treatment:

“James has been diagnosed with an extremely rare affliction known as Nondyslexia which prevents him from receiving an extra hour or so in his exams. The mystery disease allows him to read and write words and even whole sentences whilst at the same time spelling them correctly. Although common in the past, this condition, like Polio and TB. is virtually unknown in Britain today. We genuinely thought that it had been stamped out over the last thirty years” said Dr. Jones, clearly shaken.

A handful of cases of Nondyslexia have turned up before but experts say that this is the first time that it has been combined with Nonadhd and Nonaspbergers. Tests are currently being done for Asthma and Tourettes Syndrome. A spokesman from the hospital said:

“It is very, very sad but we are all keeping our fingers crossed that the remaining tests prove positive and that he will be allowed to receive the extra help and resources that his peers get. Thankfully, modern medical technology allows us to discover problems that would not have been noticed in the past.”

Remarkably, doctors remain optimistic for the young lad’s future.

“It is believed that once James starts at an inner city comprehensive school, his spelling, grammar and concentration levels should gradually deteriorate and become more like his peers. He should be able to live a normal life.”

Rate My SMT!

Ladies and Gentlemen...

After the enthusiastic take up of the 'Rate My Pupil' post, Mr. Chalk presents for your delight:

Rate My SMT!

Same Rules as before_ rough locations only (although the chances of being sued here are far less than by the pupils, since that would involve an SMT actually doing something, which is unheard of)

As it's my Blog, I get to go first...

My SMT
Location: St. Thickchilds School, Downtown

The SMT at our school are known as 'The Ostriches' .

'Senior' implies some kind of ability

'Management' implies control and guidance_the thought of which reduces the staff to tears of laughter.

'Team' would indicate a coherent approach to dealing with young Shazney and Dwayne rather than ranting at them before letting them off with their fifth final warning.

It's your time You're Wasting

As you can see, we've employed a team of expensive design consultants to do the front cover. (Supervised by my eight year old nephew)

Publication date is September 4th, the editor assures me. We should get the hard copies by the end of June so that we can arrange a few reviews.

Rate My Pupils (or better still, just take them away)

In the news recently is a website called 'Rate My Teachers' http://www.ratemyteachers.com which encourages disaffected pupils to post rude and misspelt comments about teachers who have told them off, complained to their parents or maybe even managed to get them thrown out of school. It also enables Heads to write nasty things about teachers who are always off sick and teachers to vent their frustrations with invertebrate Headmasters.

As I can barely find the Spacebar, let alone set up a 'Rate My Pupils' website, I will instead provide a place here where teachers can speak their minds. Stick to first names and rough locations just so I don't end up paying compensation to the little brat. I'll start the ball rolling:

Name: Shane
Location: St. Thickchilds School, Downtown

Shane is a Year 11 pupil and apprentice hooligan. He is a habitual thief, with the educational abilities of lettuce. When he plays truant the whole staffroom cheers.

Num malum ex decem duo

All schools have a motto_ good ones have theirs written in Latin, modern ones make up some sickly P.C. assortment of random words such as:

'Striving to Improve our Lives!

or:

'Education for All!'

Ours is a take on the classic Meatloaf song 'Two out of Three ain't bad!' but with the numbers changed to reflect our rather lower ambitions:


Num malum ex decem duo!

is inscribed above our School door


ps Thanks to the poster who corrected my spelling mistake. Please feel free to submit your own school mottos_worst one wins a free copy of my book (maybe)

Nearly Finished

Well, the book is nearly finished now, although the proposed cover of myself dressed as Mohammed, swigging from a bottle of Carlsberg has just been rejected by the publishers for reasons not clear to me at the moment.

'It's Your Time You're Wasting' should be in the bookstores for the first week of September 2006. It’s basically the story of my teaching career (I struggle to say the word ‘career’ with a straight face) trying and failing miserably to deal with a bunch of kids whose names are like a bad hand at Scrabble and whose parents would regard joining the underclass as a much sought-after promotion.

Thanks

I’d just like to say a heartfelt thanks to all those who have expressed their support. Writing the book has taken a great deal of time and effort (much more than I’d first imagined, I must say)

And no jokes about looking for it in the ‘Three for one’ bucket at Waterstones either…

Writing Furiously

Sorry, I've taken all the postings down, but the editor has told me to get cracking on the book. I'll post occasional updates on my progress, but for now, thanks for reading and I'll leave you with the following.

If you are a humble classroom teacher, feeling unsupported by those above you then remember this. Yours is one of the three most important professions (along with the upkeep of law and order and the provision of medical care) so walk tall. Remember that you are a hero so act like one. You do a job that the vast majority of people could never cope with, so make today the day when you track down some little toerag who has been a pain in your lesson and teach them not to mess with you again.

If you are in the Senior Management Team then go and find a pupil who has been making some poor teacher’s life a misery and tear a strip off them, then make them beg that teacher to allow them to stay in their lesson. If you have the courage, phone up the kid's parents and tell them to teach their brat some manners. The teacher will appreciate what you have done.

If you are the Head then stop what you are doing right now and go and expel your worst pupil. If you can't dream up a good excuse then what on Earth are you doing leading a school. Then tell all the staff what you have done. They will respect you and support you in return.

So good luck to you all and by the way, don’t forget that you can pay for my book simply by selling the next mobile phone or baseball cap you confiscate on ebay

All the best!
Mr. Chalk