Friday, October 24, 2014

Units of Meaurement

Units of measurement are the ground rock of Science. They have to be clear and unambiguous, precisely defined at great trouble and expense, so that when you refer to a mass of 1 kilogram, I understand exactly what you mean and can reproduce your experiment accurately.

The Unit of Length is the Metre, (defined in terms of the speed of light); the Unit of Electrical Current is the Amp (equal to a certain number of electrons passing a point in one second) and to measure Stupidity, we use the Ashley. (Just as the Ohm was named after Mr Ohm, so the Ashley took its name from a particularly foolish pupil at St. Thickchilds School)

Shouting out during a lesson demonstrates wisdom of 2 Ashley.

Scribbling your own name on your desk is generally held to be around 4 Ashley.

Pretending to be your father when the school secretary phones home to ask why you are truanting and then falling for a simple trick question is conduct of 8 Ashley.

The Institute of Scientific Measurement are the arbiters of all Scientific Units. They are based in Paris and are currently considering whether to adopt the Ashley as an International Standard Unit, along with the Kyle, which is equivalent to a force of 10 Ashley.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Today's Appeal

Today, Christians all over the World celebrate the feast of St. Dweezil, Patron Saint of Children with Silly Names.

I would like to take this opportunity to ask all new parents to pause with me for a couple of minutes at noon and spend the time in silent contemplation.

Then name your child Mike, Andy or Jane rather than Cody, Mayday or Captain.

In return, they will spend their adult life thanking rather than cursing you.

Rev. Chalk

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Behaviour in Schools

Teachers quite rightly complain about how pupils cannot sit still and keep quiet in class. The official reason for this is that their lessons are not sufficiently interesting and exciting..

The real reasons are:

1) Some have seen through the bluffing and realised that they can do pretty much what they like.

2) Fed on a diet of sugary drinks and snacks throughout the day, many kids are in a constantly hyperactive state. To excuse this, a whole load of medical problems have been dreamt up by drug companies eager to sell new products to the gullible. Every class register is now chock full of acronyms and excuses such as ADD, Bipolar Somethings, Aspbergers, Oppositional Defiance Nonsense and of course ADHD. Here's a handy tip: if your own child is naughty just send a letter to his form teacher with your own impressive sounding disease and his every misdemeanor will be forever excused. It's like the 'Get Out Of Jail Free' card in Monopoly.

3) If I am cooped up all day without taking any exercise I will cause mayhem and go mad. It's no suprise that the kids do exactly the same. Many are driven to school and simply forget their kit or waste their time playing table tennis in PE. Nobody dares force them out to do physical activity and so they burn off their excess energy in your lessons.

Ask anyone who has taken a school trip somewhere involving lots of fresh air and physical activity, whether there were any problems from the naughty kids after the first couple of days.

Private Schools and institutions such as the Armed Forces have known this for centuries and make them do sport every day whether they want to or not.

Wednesday, October 08, 2014

Washing Lines

The latest nonsense idea that I've heard about in teaching is called the 'Washing Line'. This is where the kids either stand in a line annoying each other or stick pegs on each other's ears or clothes, whilst playing about with a long piece of string.

Great when you are six years old, but unfortunately it's aimed at GCSE and A Level!

Can you imagine them doing stuff like this at Eton? It's the kids who are being hung out to dry in the State system by ever more crazy teaching methods.

By the way, is it others, other's or others'?