Sunday, September 30, 2007

University Challenge

Far more 18 year olds go to University nowadays than in the past. The Government has decided (probably correctly) that taxpayers don't want to foot the bill for this huge increase in student numbers. There are two results of this policy:

1) Many students leave with huge debts which they will be paying off into their 30s.

2) There are lots of students who are as thick as a whale omelette.

Now you could argue that the economy needs more graduates. I'm happy with that if you mean Engineers, Chemists or Computer Scientists. But do we really need graduates with Mickey Mouse degrees in Media, Footballers Wifery and Celebrity Studies; or should we stop conning them into wasting three years amassing huge debts, before discovering that they can only get a job in a call centre?

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Put 'Em Up!

Right let's have a fight.

Teachers: what do you think about the kids you teach and their parents?

Parents: what do you think about your kids and their teachers

Pupils: what is your preferred brand of cider?

Any other group such as Employers, Police, Doctors and Park Wardens should feel free to join in as well.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Osama Video 'Boring'

After receiving ‘hundreds’ of videos from Osama Bin Laden, the British Government has finally told the BBC to send him one of their own.

Cabinet Minister Alan Millington who asked not to be identified, told us today:

"We're all sick to death of Osama's videos cluttering up the office. I got a headache watching the last one because they couldn't even keep the camera steady. Bunch of bloody amateurs. That same old cave and rusty AK47. Doesn't he realise it's all about location, location, location. And as for that flea bitten robe he always wears…

Our first aim must be to try and get Osama to improve the quality of his films if he is going to keep on sending us the damn things. Personally I'd like to just tell him to stop, but the BBC has all sorts of quotas to try and encourage ethnic minorities into broadcasting.

Anyway, we've asked them to
send him some tips on how to make a decent ten minute presentation. You know; vary the tone of your voice, use proper lighting and a few basic special effects that can be done in a cave. We think that he could make the overall tone a bit less confrontational and they will enclose a few of their guidelines on being more inclusive- he never has any blacks, women, homosexual or disabled people playing lead roles, which as we’ve explained to him several times; is just not on these days. He should consider trying out PowerPoint also."

Head of Drama Productions at the BBC, Cedric Smythe-Wilkinson was more positive about the famous cave dwelling film maker.

"To be honest, I quite liked Osama’s early stuff, when he’d just got the camera. It was really atmospheric- you know, all those threats and cries for universal Jihad. The one where they’re having a yard of ale race in the cave and he called Tony Blair a puff was hilarious but we weren’t allowed to show it in case we got complaints of homophobia.

Trouble is nowadays it’s just his holidays and Christmas family get togethers, which always have load of karaoke- they’re all really into that. He likes to grab the mike, jump on the table and sing that old Gary Glitter “
I’m the leader" song. Thing is, if he listened to the news a bit more he’d understand that we aren’t allowed to play any Glitter stuff nowadays either, but he thinks we’re just picking on him.”

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Head of Sixth Form

I can confirm that This man has been offered a job doing the new teacher recruitment adverts. (Rather than the Government's new road safety campaign)

Actually he nearly blew the interview at the last minute, due to a misunderstanding when the secretary said "We're prepared to give you the job..."

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Northern Rock

Good news at last for Northern Rock savers- the Nigerian State Bank has today agreed to buy the beleaguered building society for the sum of £108 billion.

Peter Hillditch, the General Manager confirmed this morning that secret negotiations, which had taken place over the last couple of days had been successful:

"Due to the extremely short timescale in which this deal has been brokered, the terms and conditions are somewhat unconventional. Lagos Bank will transfer £32000 of the money into each of our customers' accounts once we have sent all their details including addresses, passwords and mother's maiden name. We feel that this is a truly wonderful result for all our members."

Monday, September 17, 2007


David Copperfield has finally exposed himself.
He's a top bloke and I wish him all the best in Canada.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Teacher Of The Year

Well done to Susan Green who is the best teacher in Britain. The rest of you really should pull your socks up- she's only been teaching a year and uses puppets.

According to the article she was presented with a gold Plato. This is either a priceless statue of the famous Greek philosopher or evidence that the reporter could do with some spelling lessons from Ms Green.

Is there really a Minister called Peter Peacock?

Shameless Advert

If you liked my book, then have a look at the other titles published by Monday Books

If you didn't like my book (for example, if your child is called Wayne) then buy another copy and read it again. You might enjoy it more the second time.

The Man On The Telly

Those of you who subscribe to the conspiracy theory that David Copperfield and I are the same person will be able to watch me on Panorama this Monday at 8.30 pm.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Parallel Worlds

Have a look at this article

Replace the word 'Police Officers' with 'Teachers'. 'Constabulary' with 'Schools' and... well you get the idea.

The decline in the Police Force exactly mirrors the decline in Education. We face the same problems; weak leaders, endless Government meddling, lack of public respect or support and ever increasing, mindless bureaucracy.

They can't strike and we won't.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Go Away.

Here's a good example of a nonsense story:

Despite the headline, Mrs Horsman has not been banned from her daughter's school at all. They have simply asked her to make an appointment rather than just turning up if she wants to speak to someone. How outrageous. After all, if you want to see your doctor, optician or dentist, you can just barge in and they will see you straight away... Oh no, hang on a minute; they won't.

All manner of freaks, nutters and window lickers used to turn up at my school; ranting and raving, swearing, shouting and usually demanding to have Mr Chalk 'sorted out.' The Head was too weak to simply tell them all to clear off.

School Uniform

Parents- make sure your child has his kevlar blazer properly buttoned up for the new term.

Here's a link to the supplier of the new St. Thickchilds School Uniform. They offer a 10% discount for whole class orders.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Nasty Little Scrote

A far more suitable punishment would be to stick 925 000 volts through this wretch as he will probably be let out in two and a half years.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

The Department of the Blindingly Obvious

A recent study by Southampton University shows evidence that behaviour is affected by certain food additives.

Now tell us something that we didn't know.

The vast majority of the behavioural problems currently blamed on a variety of fashionable complaints are down to nothing more than poor diet, weak parenting and lack of exercise.

Oh sorry, I've said that nine times before.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Birthday Present (Well not present actually)

Here, for your amusement is the verbatim transcript of a telephone conversation which took place earlier today:

Bring, Bring! Bring, Bring!

Mrs Scuzzer (groggily):" Uh, 'ello?"

Mrs Chalk (brightly): "Good morning Mrs Scuzzer, I'm just phoning because your daughter Tequilla wasn't in school yesterday and we didn't receive any phone call from you. Is she ill?

Mrs Scuzzer (wide awake now): "No, it was her birthday!"

Mrs. Chalk (somewhat dumbfounded):"Er..well...erm..."


Why Not Scrap The Exam And Just Give Out The A*s?

2007 AQA Biology GCSE (3 modular tests, spread out over 12 months so you only need to revise a few topics at a time) 28 marks out of 45 (62%) on the first paper gets you an A* Grade. Subsequent papers are expected to be graded on the same basis.

1982 JMB Biology O Level Paper (Exams cover all of two year syllabus) 80.1% required for a Grade A, according to the examiners report.

Dumbing down? No, no, no. The pupils are just getting cleverer.

The two kids that I feel sorry for are:

1) The highly intelligent pupil who has worked hard and would always have answered 95% of the questions correctly. They receive no real recognition of their talent.

2) The kid who scrapes a 'C' Grade and is told how clever they are. They are encouraged to study the subject further and later discover after wasting much time and effort that they have no real academic ability whatsoever. They have been completely conned.

Oh, for non teachers- A* is the grade above A nowadays (Don't ask me why)

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Those Who Can etc

The TDA have just sent me one of their latest adverts, which aim to try and persuade more people to go into teaching.

No it isn't

In response to those who emailed asking if this was me writing under another pseudonym; I'm afraid that it isn't, but I do like it.

Tough Talk but no Trousers...

Goodness, this is a tough, draconian measure.

Poor old Liam and Chesney will no longer be allowed to drink cider in the park, go on a shoplifting expedition, or hang round the school gates shouting out their opinion of the Headmaster's parents.

Unfortunately like all the other tough measures, there is never any mention of what will happen to Coyne when he simply ignores it. As you can breach your ASBO 25 times with impunity, or keep your child off school without any fear of the Local Authority taking you to Court, I don't think that expellees with a love of the great outdoors should worry too much just yet.

Monday, September 03, 2007

Shazney Smallbrain Has Just Graduated From Primary School, Age 26...

Primary School Teachers will no doubt be jumping for joy over Tory proposals to make kids who haven't learnt to read, write or do the odd sum; stay on for another year rather than go to Secondary School where they will have absolutely no chance of keeping up.

Predictably the Teachers Unions have described it as unworkable (forgetting that it works in the US, Germany and several other countries which I'm sure readers will name)

The average member of the public might well say: "Why on Earth can't they manage to teach kids to read in seven years?". After meeting Ashley or Dwayne and their parent, they would probably change this question to: "I wonder if I could get him to sit or fetch a ball?"

The professionals will twitter about self esteem and stress, but I can't help but think that we should teach Wayne to spell 'esteem' before telling him whether it is high or low.