Friday, June 30, 2006

Punishing pupils

I imagine that you were as shocked as I was, upon reading in the press recently about the latest scandal to hit teaching.

At first I was sceptical, believing that the teaching profession had stamped out this sort of conduct years ago. Independent sources however confirm the report's accuracy.

It is certainly a shocking case_ The teacher will stand trial in the Crown Court later this month, accused of punishing a pupil because of his behaviour, and then further demeaning the child's status by referring to him as a 'naughty boy'.

'It's a serious blow to those of us who had hoped that stories like this were a thing of the past. Who can say what mental scars this poor child will bear for the rest of his life.' Commented Mr Wringer, Deputy Head in Charge of Discipline.

More details of the case have emerged_ apparently the teacher kidnapped the boy at 3:30 pm and kept him imprisoned at the school for twenty minutes before armed police stormed the building. The accused was led away protesting that he was giving something called a 'detention', however Senior Staff at the school confirmed that they had never heard of the term.

'The dirty pervert_my son done nuffink!' Said one eyewitness; Mrs Scrotum.

The Headteacher Mr. Beard clarified the school's position on the matter:

'We have a clear policy of rewarding pupils regardless of their behaviour. All behaviour is treated equally in our school and we refuse to be prejudiced against a particular form of self expression. Bad must be rewarded just as good will be.'

It is understood that the teacher will ask for 23 other offences to be taken into consideration including telephoning a child's parents, denial of pupils' human rights to eat, drink and use profanities in the classroom, refusal to allow children to smoke in the playground and refering to the dark rectangular object at the front of his room as a 'blackboard'

The case will be heard on Tuesday

Thursday, June 29, 2006

A.D.H.D. = All Down to His Dad

Perform the following experiment:

Go and find a G.P. Ask them if they have ever seen a kid that they genuinely felt (as opposed to the hundreds whom they will have diagnosed simply to get the parent out of the room) had ADHD from a family which made them take regular outdoor exercise, fed them a healthy diet, insisted on good manners at all times, sent them to bed at a sensible hour and refused to indulge their every whim.

Now count the fingers on one hand and let me know which number is greater.


Many thanks for the kind messages of support for the blog. It's always nice to hear what readers think; good, bad or even just correcting my spelling mistakes.

If my ramblings make a teacher smile rather than cry after a day of humiliation from the dregs of society then I can go to bed feeling that I've done something wothwhile.

Mr. Chalk

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Mr Chalk's Laws of Teaching

Chalk's First Law: "No suggestion in teaching is so ridiculous that it will not be taken seriously and earnestly debated"

Chalk's Second Law: "The frequency of 'buzzwords' and jargon in a person's speech is inversely proportional to their general competence"

Chalk's Third Law: "No new idea in teaching has ever worked"

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Why Are Kids So Naughty These Days?

There's a question I hear all the time. It's an easy one to answer.

They don’t do it because they’re bored, or because they live in 'deprived' areas, or 'there is nothing for young people to do’ or any other fashionable excuse, dreamt up by naive people usually in posession of a beard and a degree in Psychology. Each of these excuses is easily dismissed. Do we seriously imagine that there was more entertainment on offer in, for example the 1930s or that people were less deprived then? The answer is simple.

Kids misbehave because it's fun to do so and there is no longer any reason not to.

Have we all forgotten how enjoyable it is to hang around in a gang as a teenager and intimidate terrified adult passers-by? It's great entertainment! I'd do it this very evening if Mrs. Chalk didn't keep me in check by being the equivalent of the old fashioned village Policeman.

Kids have formed gangs and misbehaved since the dawn of time_it's perfecly natural adolescent behaviour to explore the boundaries of accepted behaviour and to push and prod them a bit. We learn where these boundaries lie by experiences at home, at school, what we see and read in the media, from the way adults behave in public and finally from the Police.

Nowadays many parents have abandoned any attempt to bring up their children. Lots of schools have given up trying to impose rules they cannot enforce. No sane passer-by would dare tell off a group of teenagers behaving badly for fear of being stabbed, and there are only about four coppers per city; three of whom are behind desks, busy filling in forms and the other one is attending a 'gender awareness' course.

'The Quarterwit' (July Edition)

Don't miss the exciting July edition of St. Thickchilds School magazine 'The Quarterwit' where we feature an exclusive interview with Wayne, a local drugs dealer; to hear his views on the Human Rights Act. Wayne is available every afternoon from 3.30 at the school gates to talk to any pupil who has a problem with drugs and he will be visiting our school on July 19th to give us a presentation of his work within the community.

Along with all the usual fashion tips for non uniform day, the best places to go when playing truant and an in-depth review of local Off Licences by Hayley Scroggins from Year 9, we're also presenting some important Scientific Research by Tyrone Smegson and his friend Dwayne from Year 10 that has shown how pupils work better when listening to loud Rap music.

For the parents we've got a special article: 'How to make a Spurious Claim against the school' written by a local solicitor.

Plus: 'Excluded for a crime he did not commit.' We speak to Leon, formerly of year 8, now selling half price cigarettes on Downtown Market (Tuesdays and Thursdays only)

Copies on Sale from June 16th. Don't Miss it!

Monday, June 26, 2006

School Trips

Dear Ungrateful Parent/ Guardian/ Care Giver/ Current Adult Occupier of Home,

Although there are only five decent children in the entire school, we have decided to attempt a school trip to Scagton on Sea, departing July 6th 2006.

Originally we did not plan on taking any of the ‘scuzzy’ kids, but as a favour to you which will doubtless remain unappreciated and despite your child’s history of disgraceful behaviour both in and out of school, we have foolishly decided against our better judgement to allow them to accompany us.

The cost of this excursion to you is £25, which is far less than the cost to our mental health. Please do not attempt to claim that your Stacey ‘definitely gave the money to Mr. Jones or someone’ as we know perfectly well that she will have spent it on cider.

The staff have all drawn straws and the 6 losers will be going on the trip.

You will need to provide your slovenly ne’er-do-well with a packed lunch and some spending money. You will not be asked to show where it came from.

Please complete the form below and return it to school with your offspring if they attend on a regular basis. If they do not; simply bring it yourself the next time you come and visit us uninvited to complain about some trivial incident.

Please Note: Sunscreen is not ‘just for poofs’ and should be liberally applied to your child before departure as we the staff (apart from Mr. Griffin the Music Teacher) do not wish to have to touch them.

The coach is scheduled to return to school at approx 7pm. Please do not turn up an hour late with some foolish excuse which only belies your uncaring attitude and general ineptness. Those pupils that are returning courtesy of Her Majesty’s Constabulary will be taken directly to their homes.

Please cross out words which do not apply (if any)

I Parent/ Guardian/ Scruffy, useless, slack-jawed and gormless Adult give permission for my son/ daughter (even if they aren’t really mine) to go on St. Thickchilds School Trip to Scagton on Sea departing July 6th 2006.

I do/ do not give permission for my child to engage in shoplifting.

I will later attempt to sue the school for one of the following ficticious events:

Other (please specify)

My child will claim that the following has been stolen:

Mobile Phone
MP3 Player
All of the above

I have/ have an ASBO
My child has/ has an ASBO


Print Name (Or get a member of staff to do it for you)

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Science and Foolhardiness

The Scientific Unit of Length is the Metre. The Unit of Electrical Current is the Amp and to measure Stupidity, we use the Wesley. (Named after a foolish pupil at St. Thickchilds in a similar way that the unit of resistance, the Ohm; was named after a Mr. Ohm.)

Each of these units needs to be rigourously defined to be of any use. The metre is defined in terms of the speed of light, an Amp is equal to a certain number of electrons passing a point in one second.

The Wesley is currently less well defined and to remedy this, I need the help of you; the reader. I require the accurate grading of several acts of imbecility in order to produce a chart which will then be delivered to the Institute of Scientific Measurement based in Paris who have agreed to consider adopting the Wesley as an international Standard Unit.

Forgetting your homework is an act of 0.5 Wesley.

Shouting out during a lesson demonstrates wisdom of 2 Wesley.

Scribbling your own name on your desk is generally held to be behaviour of around 4 Wesley.

Pretending to be your father when the school secretary phones home to ask why you are truanting and then falling for a simple trick question is conduct of 8 Wesley.

Climbing on to the school roof and shouting obscenities at passers by would be rated at approximately 15 Wesley.

Please Note. In the Metric System a force of 10 Wesley is equal to 1 Dwayne.

An Unfortunate Tale

An interesting article appearing in several newspapers over the weekend concerning 10 year old James Smith; the child whose tragic collection of medical conditions is baffling experts up and down the country. Let’s hear from Dr. Jones, Chief Physician at the hospital where James is receiving treatment:

“James has been diagnosed with an extremely rare affliction known as Nondyslexia which prevents him from receiving an extra hour or so in his exams. The mystery disease allows him to read and write words and even whole sentences whilst at the same time spelling them correctly. Although common in the past, this condition, like Polio and TB. is virtually unknown in Britain today. We genuinely thought that it had been stamped out over the last thirty years” said Dr. Jones, clearly shaken.

A handful of cases of Nondyslexia have turned up before but experts say that this is the first time that it has been combined with Nonadhd and Nonaspbergers. Tests are currently being done for Asthma and Tourettes Syndrome. A spokesman from the hospital said:

“It is very, very sad but we are all keeping our fingers crossed that the remaining tests prove positive and that he will be allowed to receive the extra help and resources that his peers get. Thankfully, modern medical technology allows us to discover problems that would not have been noticed in the past.”

Remarkably, doctors remain optimistic for the young lad’s future.

“It is believed that once James starts at an inner city comprehensive school, his spelling, grammar and concentration levels should gradually deteriorate and become more like his peers. He should be able to live a normal life.”

Friday, June 23, 2006

Rate My SMT!

Ladies and Gentlemen...

After the enthusiastic take up of the 'Rate My Pupil' post, Mr. Chalk presents for your delight:

Rate My SMT!

Same Rules as before_ rough locations only (although the chances of being sued here are far less than by the pupils, since that would involve an SMT actually doing something, which is unheard of)

As it's my Blog, I get to go first...

Location: St. Thickchilds School, Downtown

The SMT at our school are known as 'The Ostriches' .

'Senior' implies some kind of ability

'Management' implies control and guidance_the thought of which reduces the staff to tears of laughter.

'Team' would indicate a coherent approach to dealing with young Shazney and Dwayne rather than ranting at them before letting them off with their fifth final warning.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

It's your time You're Wasting

As you can see, we've employed a team of expensive design consultants to do the front cover. (Supervised by my eight year old nephew)

Publication date is September 4th, the editor assures me. We should get the hard copies by the end of June so that we can arrange a few reviews.