Sunday, June 25, 2006

Science and Foolhardiness

The Scientific Unit of Length is the Metre. The Unit of Electrical Current is the Amp and to measure Stupidity, we use the Wesley. (Named after a foolish pupil at St. Thickchilds in a similar way that the unit of resistance, the Ohm; was named after a Mr. Ohm.)

Each of these units needs to be rigourously defined to be of any use. The metre is defined in terms of the speed of light, an Amp is equal to a certain number of electrons passing a point in one second.

The Wesley is currently less well defined and to remedy this, I need the help of you; the reader. I require the accurate grading of several acts of imbecility in order to produce a chart which will then be delivered to the Institute of Scientific Measurement based in Paris who have agreed to consider adopting the Wesley as an international Standard Unit.

Forgetting your homework is an act of 0.5 Wesley.

Shouting out during a lesson demonstrates wisdom of 2 Wesley.

Scribbling your own name on your desk is generally held to be behaviour of around 4 Wesley.

Pretending to be your father when the school secretary phones home to ask why you are truanting and then falling for a simple trick question is conduct of 8 Wesley.

Climbing on to the school roof and shouting obscenities at passers by would be rated at approximately 15 Wesley.

Please Note. In the Metric System a force of 10 Wesley is equal to 1 Dwayne.


Anonymous said...

Great stuff! Today your blog brought smiles and laughter to some tired and fed up teachers_ well done and thankyou.

Anonymous said...

A scientific measure of Wesleys would be the BTU's absorbed into a 40 kg, 25% body fat, child's hand when thrust into boiling, deionized water in a stainless steel pot to check the temperature. The closer it gets, the more BTU's, and longer submerged, the more BTU's, and thus the greater number of Wesley's.

Anonymous said...

One of my friends who is foolishly changing career to enter teaching sent me a link to your blog; she thought I would like it as I'm a school governor. I wonder if after last Saturday's England match against Portugal the Wesley ought to be re-calibrated against the Rooney. If it were not legally priviliged information I might also offer as an alternative the surname of the child who hit one of our staff in a lesson and then pleaded that he'd "only" meant to hit another pupil. Because we still attempt to enforce the norms of behaviour here, he has been 'permanently excluded' (what is wrong with 'expelled'?). We await the inevitable appeal.

Anonymous said...

the Amp was named after Mr Ampere, and it is electrical with an r

Anonymous said...

are you sure it wasn't Amp Fils?


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