Wednesday, September 13, 2006

New School Rating System

Good news! Ofsted Inspections are to be abolished and one inspector will simply turn up at random and rate schools according to the formula below:

School Rating = a*b*c*d/e*f*g*h*i*j*k


a= No. of yr 11 pupils attempting to dress as Goths (out of first 30 names on alphabetical Year List)
b= No. of boys with long hair in above sample
c= Percentage of teachers in attendance on day of visit
d= No. of ties worn by first ten male staff seen.
e= No. of Yr 11 pupils with a skinhead in sample used to calculate 'a'
f= No. of pupils called Ashley, Shane or Liam in sample used to calculate 'a' (If this exceeds 5 then school will be awarded 'Failing School' status immediately.)
g= No. of parents visiting the school between 2 and 3pm (ie with nothing better to do)
h= Total No. of tatoos, piercings and miscellaneous ironmongery visible on these parents
i= No. of football shirts worn by the above parental sample
j= No. of pieces of litter visible from main entrance to school (Average of result at 9 am and 1:55pm)
k= Items of grafitti found in a textbook (Average of 5 randomly selected from different classrooms)


Anonymous said...

Ha. Ha. Ha! Great idea! The Goth count is always an easy way to spot a good school as they get beaten up in the crap ones.

Anonymous said...

Please find below extracts of my English book from the classrooms of, erm, 1997. My English work for my final year consisted entirely of these doodles and a disjointed sentence regarding Mr. Darcy and the form, tense, and something or other of something that he was doing in some Jane Austin book...or was it a video we were shown while the teachers sat, smoked and drank coffee? Either way I attained a grade C. Duming down? Get in! ;)

Anonymous said...

You're right about the long haired boys! We had loads at the last decent place I worked, but they wouldn't last two minutes at the dive I'm at now.

Love your blog, by the way. It's the only thing keeping me sane in this place

Anonymous said...

I'm going to rate our school today, but I might not publish it in case we get closed down.