Sunday, September 03, 2006

Letter to Parents: A New Term

Dear Parent/ Guardian/ Wastrel,

I have today been informed by the Chief Constable of Downtown that 1651 cases of arson, mindless vandalism, theft, muggings and shoplifting have been carried out by our students over the summer holidays. He has asked me to pass on his thanks for your help and constant vigilance, which have clearly paid dividends in reducing this figure from last year.

Soon it will be 'Back to School' time for those of you who bother to ensure that your children regularly attend. Please note that the new term begins on Tuesday 5th September, so try not to drink too much on the Monday night, in order to ensure that your child at least makes an attempt to attend school. We do not wish to hear any lame excuses such as “I didn’t know what day it was.” We are well aware of this already.

Monday will be a Staff Training Day. The SMT will patronise the Staff; boring them into a state of utter depression which will prepare them perfectly for the Autumn Term. There is no need to send us your wayward child on this day as we have no desire to see them for one hour more than the Law demands. Also there is no need for your child to bring their ASBO into school this term as a badge of honour; keep it at home in a safe place next to your own.

At the end of last term, in the interests of promoting fair competition we sent all parents an application form to help your child get into one of our two rival schools; Dimstudents Comprehensive and St. Lucifer’s Academy. The forms have already been filled out for you as some of the words are quite long. Please let us know if your application has been successful as soon as you can be bothered to get out of bed.

We would like to welcome a new member of staff Mrs. Blakewell; who previously worked as chief dog trainer at Scagton Kennels. We expect her to fit in marvellously at St. Thickchilds as long as she is prepared to lower her standards and expectations sufficiently.

A new School Year is a great opportunity to make a new start. Why not have your offspring adopted by some nice couple desperate for the chance to give a child a good start in life? Phone the school for more information as soon as you can tear yourself away from daytime television.

A final note: if your child has been taken away by Social Services or sent to a detention centre over the summer, please let us know so that we can find a better pupil to fill their place. If you happen to know of any other feral children, perhaps part of the interconnected web of chaos that you refer to as your ‘family’; who would like a place at St. Thickchilds, then please do not phone or come in to tell us.

With thanks to Mc Guigans Off Licence for their continued sponsorship and support of the school.

Yours Faithfully

Mr. Morris
Head Teacher


Anonymous said...

I take it that your summer break wasn't quite long enough for you to forget what you did for a living?

Ah well. Another year, another intake in the PRU for me. Looking forward to your wit and wisdom to sustain me,


Anonymous said...

Welcome back, hope you had a nice break. I am awaiting the arrival of your book to get me through those difficult times of despair at my own occupation going down the tubes of political correctness and bean counting.

Anonymous said...

welcome back frank
your book arrived from amazon on friday and i finished it on saturday. it's superb, literally. very funny and very sad at the same time, which must be a hard trick to pull off. my boyfriend reckons he knows you by the way. did you ever teach in manchester???
cheers and welcome back
sarah, london teecha

Anonymous said...

I am tempted to send this post to my daughter who is starting her career as secondary teacher tomorrow but I supppose I'd better not put her off just yet! (Jennyta)

Anonymous said...

I thought your latest blog was simply priceless!

Thanks for making me smile in advance of Monday.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for a great laugh before the hell of the Autumn Term starts.

Anonymous said...

bought your book off amazon... it arrive this morning frank. have read the first 30 pages and am late for work...
v good

Anonymous said...

Brilliant stuff...just had this blog recommended. Was teaching for 30 years until it all got too silly for work with Alzheimer's clients (reckon many ex SMTs are in the home). Keep up the great work, Frank.

Pepperpot said...

Good luck for the new term, I hope it's one of the better ones. Although unfortunately we don't know what to wish for - the worse your pain gets, the more fun we get reading your blogs...

Anonymous said...

It sounds like you in for a fun term and looking forward to the challenge.