Katherine Birbalsingh

Many thanks to the Head of St Michael and All Angels Church of England Academy (easy for you to say) for providing me with some great material for today's post.

Katherine Birbalsingh who teaches at the school has been sent home after making a speech at the Conservative Conference which slams the state education system. You can watch it here and everything she says is completely true. I feel like she's copied it all from my blog.

There is a Facebook Group here which you can join if you agree with her. (I've no idea whether these groups are effective or not but it's probably better than just shouting at the telly)

I can't confirm the rumour that Dr Irene Bishop, the Head who told her to er... 'work from home', allowed the Labour Party to use her previous school to launch its General Election campaign in 2001.

Michael Gove No Touching

Michael Gove has promised to clarify what exactly teachers can do to restrain violent pupils. The last Government promised to do that as well.

Lots of details need to be made clear eg. what happens if you try to stop a pupil storming out of a classroom and they push you away? What happens if the pupil then attacks you and you get hurt? Will you get suspended whilst an investigation takes place if the pupil makes an allegation after you restrain them? What happens if the Head tells everyone not to attempt to restrain pupils etc etc...

Carolyne Willow of the Childrens Rights Alliance isn't happy but she sounds a bit mad so we won't worry about her.

Pupils Protest Dover

Whilst the Police Inspector just made excuses for these brats who walked out and damaged some of their teachers' cars (no doubt following some new guidelines about non judgemental commenting or something equally mad), at least the Headmaster doesn't mince his words as much. We need to teach children that sometimes you just have to accept a rule that you might not like, otherwise who is ever going to employ them? (In the same way that I had to pay an extortionate amount for a new passport recently, but managed to resist doing any vandalism). In my book, the right of protest extends to sending a polite letter to those in charge.

Thanks to Inspector Gadget for the link and I would like to add that the 43 year old male reported to be hanging around outside the school gates was not me.

Michael Gove Heads New Powers

"Heads will be able to punish pupils in public places, such as in shopping centres" says Education Secretary Michael Gove here. I asked him to promise something like that, so that I would have some amusing material for today's post.

So Michael, what exactly will happen if the group of naughty pupils spitting at people over the balconies in the shopping centre, simply walk away shouting abuse (or give the Head a good kicking for their trouble). What happens to the Head if they decide to restrain one or more of these children and end up rolling round on the ground or lash out when the whole confrontation gets out of hand. Does Headmistress Slim really have the same set of powers as Headmaster Bruiser or will we just pretend that they do?

Wait a minute... we are assuming that Heads would actually want to get involved in disciplining their pupils outside school (although personally I would rather start a fight with a bunch of hoodlums than wander round a shopping centre any day). Would it lead to Heads feeling obliged to sort out shopping mall mischief and as a result finding the perfect excuse never to venture into them. What happens if the Head just chooses to walk on by, ignoring their ill-behaved learners.

Funniest of all, what happens when an enthusiastic Head starts to give hell to a group peeing in the fountain only to discover that they are not in fact pupils from their school?

Charter Schools

If you've got a few minutes, have a read of this article about the Charter Schools in New York. They demonstrate just how much State Education can be improved with the right mindset and without the need for any more money.

Equality Bill

I'd just like to say a quick thank you to Harriett Harman.

Not for lending me a stab vest or teaching me how to get off a driving penalty, but for helping me with a difficult decision. For a while Chalk Enterprises has been considering taking on an employee, but with employment law being such a nightmare for small businesses, I've been weighing up the pros and cons for a while. With the passing of 'Harman's Law' however, I have made up my mind.

The 2010 Equality Bill provides so many opportunities for employees to completely stuff us at no cost whatsoever to themselves that it effectively puts small employers into the same bracket as those who point at aeroplanes and shout in the street, or approach random passers by with assurances that Jesus will save them.

If small businesses are supposed to get us out of recession, then laws like this guarantee a jobless recovery without any doubt.

Benefits, Benefits, Benefits...

A friend of mine received a cheque last week for over a hundred pounds from some sort of Government scheme to enable mothers to eat well whilst pregnant. (There are of course no restrictions on what you actually spend the money on and she is a partner in a well known firm of accountants, so there's taxpayer's money well spent).

Can anybody tell me why on Earth we have been paying people to have children for so many years? We don't exactly have a shortage of people in this country so why don't we offer money to those that choose not to have them instead. Better still why don't we just not pay either group and save a small fortune, which could perhaps be used to fill in the numerous potholes in my road.

56 Sage St

If like me, your memories of computer games involve queuing behind a group of poorly behaved adolescents with a grubby 10 pence piece in your hand, waiting to play Pac Man, then it's time that you saw how things have progressed.

56 Sage Street is a free game from Barclays in which you must attempt to make something of your life despite starting off with nothing at all. To begin with your character has their bag stolen but fortunately the crime is witnessed by the enigmatic Mr C, who is the owner of the vast 56 Sage St trading empire. It turns out that he is dying and is looking for the right person to pass his company on to. Now there's a spot of good news for you!

However it's not in the bag yet and you must prove that you are worthy of this grand inheritance by building up skills and money before taking on a variety of challenges, sent to the mobile phone which is your character's sole remaining possession. It's easy to guide your little person round the dark and eerie city, doing good deeds, looking for work, trying to find somewhere to stay and make useful contacts. You can choose to go it alone or help others on the way to success. The graphics are very good, the game teaches you the value of money, but best of all, it is engaging- which is something that few games seem to manage. There are also links to Facebook and Twitter so that you can show off your progress in the game to your friends. Click on the video below to see the trailer.

Now play the game here

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For Better or Worse

Those in charge say that kids are getting cleverer as evidenced by constantly improving exam results. Employers and cynics like me say that the average state educated child is less able than they were 25 years ago. (And in my opinion there is even more of a decline at the top end of the state sector).

Why is this?

a) Lack of discipline in schools which prevents any effective teaching

b) Fashionable new teaching methods which have replaced the simple and highly effective:

Teach something and make the kids practice it over and over again.

with:

Group discussions, peer assessment and individualised methods of learning.

I have criticised these silly ideas so many times that I feel I am starting to sound like a stuck record. Maybe I should just give up blogging and stick to working on Chalk Enterprises.

Immigration Cap

Although we are producing ever greater numbers of graduates, businesses are complaining loudly to the Government that the proposed cap on immigration will prevent them recruiting enough highly skilled people. Wasn't the whole point of increasing student numbers to make sure that we did have enough of them?

Presumably we are just churning out an endless stream of 21 year olds with degrees in worthless subjects.

Teflon

I love urban myths or common misconceptions. Here's one that was repeated in yesterday's Times:

"Teflon was one of the many spin-offs from the Space Race"

It was actually invented in 1938. Feel free to impress your friends with that and contribute any others you might know.

Meetings

A few posts ago I claimed that most of the work teachers do is a complete waste of their time. Meetings are a good example.

As a teacher, I used to have to regularly sit through an hour's excruciating tedium as one person after another asked for some minor clarification of a totally unimportant issue, or asked a question that had been answered only 5 minutes previously. Somebody would always be using buzzwords, management speak or stock phrases which meant nothing to me. Somebody else would always raise ludicrous objections to the most obvious of improvements. I would watch the clock hands creep round, trying desperately not to scream with frustration as my life ebbed away and my soul was devoured by the unrelenting mediocrity of it all.

Now that time is money, meetings are short and effective. They are only held when necessary, everyone says what they want, a deal is reached and usually everything is wrapped up in 15 minutes. It's not because we are particularly efficient, we just have better things to do with our time.

Email

I have always stuck to my theory that if something to do with computers isn't obvious then it's probably not worth learning, because if you wait around for a while then someone will come up with a easier way of doing it.

One thing I did take the trouble to find out how to do was the 'out of office' email auto-reply. When my SMT took to emailing staff in the evenings and at weekends with requests for this and that, I naively assumed that nobody in their right mind would bother replying to them, only to discover that many of the staff, especially the younger ones, grumbled but then simply did what they were asked.

This idea that staff should be contactable 24/7 is now becoming increasingly commonplace and it's even more frightening that some people accept it. If you haven't done so already, learn how to use auto-reply before it's too late. (There's always one even if the IT nerd denies it)

Science without the Science

After looking through a popular syllabus for year 7 and 8 Science, one thing struck me as odd.

There did not appear to be any Science in it.

There were endless fun activities where children could 'discover for themselves' although why the teacher doesn't just teach them something and then see if they get it by making them answer some questions, rather than let them waste an hour looking for something that they don't understand is a mystery to me. (It's all very well saying that they are 'doing what a scientist does' but we forget that the scientist spent many years diligently studying science first.)

There were 'investigations' into concepts such as force and pressure, but no recommendation that the pupils should practice calculating them. Come to think of it, there wasn't even a textbook!

There were endless opportunities for 'discussion' 'brainstorming' and 'group work'. However I couldn't see any formulas and definitions to learn or tricky problems to apply them on.

Maybe I'm getting old, but all this is just replacing rigorous science with easy entertainment. It might make the lessons more enjoyable but it certainly isn't going to produce any scientists.

State and Private

There is a huge gulf between the quality of education you get at a private school compared with what you get at the average state school. There are several reasons for this: private schools have more money to spend on each pupil so they can have smaller classes and they often select potential pupils by ability, so they don't have to deal with so many hard-of-thinking. Competitive sports are strongly encouraged and a huge range of after school activities are offered. Parents are also generally more cooperative as they are paying good money for their offspring to attend and on a statistical basis, Harry and Henrietta tend to be better behaved than Lee and Lewis, so less time is wasted dealing with constant low level disruption.

However, here are two additional factors that you must promise me never to mention out loud in the state staffroom...

Firstly their teachers tend on average to be better academically qualified in the subjects they teach than their state counterparts and they haven't all had their heads filled with nonsense on a PGCE course. The standard retort that they wouldn't last five minutes in a tough inner city comp is also true however.

Secondly private schools still teach in a fairly traditional fashion and insist on a high standard of discipline, which funnily enough leads to success, both academically and in employment. In the state sector however, we have embraced every fashion, fad and barking lunacy with an enthusiasm which makes me want to hold my head in my hands and weep tears of despair. (Group work, discussion, peer review, poster making, self expression and varied mediums of learning spring to mind, but these are only the tip of the iceberg). Why not just mix up a random selection of words and invent the next one yourself.

See, I told you not to mention them.

Too Many Special Needs

Well goodness me! Ofsted have finally realised what every decent teacher worked out ten years ago; ie that zillions of kids are being diagnosed as having 'special needs' when in reality they have just never been made to sit still and behave. Stupid lazy parents combined with trendy modern teaching methods that think 'discipline' is a naughty word.

Both the National Union of Teachers and the NASUWT (I still don't know what these letters stand for) have strongly condemned the announcement, which is a bit like the Flat Earth Society telling Columbus that he was delusional.

No link to the Times as they've started to charge, but the Telegraph article's here

Michael Gove

I like the sound of what Education Minister Michael Gove is saying about introducing technical colleges where pupils who aren't academic can go at 14 and learn something that will be of use to them, such as plumbing or plastering rather than History and French. Christine Blower from the National Union of Teachers opposes the plan, which is almost the definition of a good idea.

Gove also says that he wants to get rid of the excessive health and safety as well as the compensation culture that makes teachers reluctant to do anything interesting in case a parent sues the school. He also wants to give boys more opportunity for competition, which everybody knows they thrive on, rather than wrapping them up in cotton wool.

Good on him, but let's see if he actually does any of this. He will really have his work cut and will have to take on the teaching unions, parents and lawyers.

Gareth Malone

I can vividly remember watching the film Dead Poet's Society in about 1989 and deciding that I knew everything there was to know about teaching kids.

It's a popular storyline that has been repeated many times. Somebody with a bit of personality comes into a school and revolutionises things. The other teachers are sceptical but all the pupils love them, with all the fun activities and excitement. The public says "We need more people like him in teaching etc." There don't seem to be any exams in this world.

Enter Gareth Malone, teaching the kids outside, throwing flour bombs and going camping. He doesn't seem to need to fill out long risk assessment forms for any of this and is unaffected by health and safety requirements. The kids don't run away, start fighting or fall over and injure themselves. The head never tells him he can't do anything, or calls him in for a coffeeless interview and the parents never try and sue the school (well none of this happens on camera anyway.

My point is this: it's easy-peasy to come in to a school, be completely wacky, get the kids cheering for you and declare the whole thing a success. Then you can clear off, leaving the regular staff to pick up the pieces and answer questions like "Why can't we climb a tree and play with the chainsaw like we did with Mr Chalk?"

Koran Burning

If you are unable to join Pastor Terry Jones in his Koran Burning event this Saturday, then why not meet up with the crowds heading to a school near you in order to burn a copy of "It's Your Time You're Wasting"

It lights easily and burns with a soft yellowy-blue glow, giving off a pleasant warmth which is just the thing to ward off the mild chill of an early autumn evening.

Special Needs

A friend showed me a class list the other day, covered up the kids' surnames with a piece of paper and challenged me to say whether it was a top or bottom set just by looking at the first names.

Top Set, Bottom Set is the easiest game in the world and it took me about three seconds to announce that it was the bottom set (Kay-Tee and Colt for example are hardly likely to be anywhere else). What did surprise me was that out of 19 pupils, 15 had some sort of label ie ADHD, ADD Aspergers, School phobic, etc.

Now I know that since virtually all the special schools have been closed down, large numbers of children with all kinds of 'special needs' have been dumped into mainstream education where we can't cope with them. Their parents are very keen on this, saying that they want their child to integrate, which is fair enough, but often doesn't work. Most teachers have no special needs training and aren't really interested- they just want to teach their subject to children with a reasonable range of abilities and behaviour, which is after all what they signed up for in the first place. You don't see Lee throwing a tantrum (and a handful of test tubes) on these teaching adverts, do you?

I just can't help but wonder how many of these conditions have a genuine medical basis and how many are simply down to the child never having been shown how to behave and actually made to, rather than just being asked politely (Parents do seem genuinely afraid of being seen to control their child in public nowadays and you see comedy moments in every park or supermarket, where a fed up adult is trying to reason with a naughty three year old, rather than just giving them a good smack and telling them not to do it again. No doubt the same happens at home).

The cynic in me also firmly believes that the number of 'rich world diseases' will continue to rise for ever more as drug companies dream up new and profitable mind altering drugs to sell to us.

Reinventing the Wheel

Unlike me, teachers work very hard. Unfortunately, as I've said before; most of what they do is a complete waste of time. Across the country, thousands of them are busy duplicating each others' efforts, all producing plans for teaching the same lesson, or some weird and wonderful new method of teaching which was probably tried out and abandoned last year at another school half an hour's drive away. The number of teacher hours spent each year repeating somebody else's work is absolutely staggering and extremely depressing.

Large successful businesses do not make these basic mistakes. (Which of course is why they are successful). They have a set way of doing things in every branch or shop, based on what has been shown to work in the past. Procedures are laid out in great detail and followed rigourously. Problems can be analysed and solutions worked out based on what has happened elsewhere. I've heard the argument many times that 'every school is different' but to be honest they aren't really. They are all trying to do the same thing, but most could be so much better with a bit of guidance. As I've said before- run them like Tesco and see the improvement.

Axa Respect On The Road

If, like me you ride a bike sometimes, then you may well have had your life endangered by the various wretches of the road. Boy racers, half asleep drivers, too comfortable and lethargic to notice you, or those who simply have no spatial awareness whatsoever. I've always thought that too many drivers feel invulnerable when behind the wheel with the stereo blaring and behave toward other road users or pedestrians in a way they would never dare do in a face to face situation.

In order to try and draw attention to the problem, AXA Car Insurance are running a campaign at the moment called AXA Respect On The Road Click on the link I respect the road to visit their website and see a few details, or to add your own story of poor parking, motorway madness or traffic terror.

There is a Facebook Fanpage here which I urge you to 'Like' and a YouTube site here

Primary teachers might find the video ‘Road Rage kids’ useful.

It is acted entirely by 5 year olds, who imitate driving behaviour that they have copied from their parents. Children are the drivers of tomorrow, so anything we can do to try and influence them now can only be a good thing, especially as every blockbuster film bombards them with ever more ludicrous car chase scenes where nobody ever gets killed or injured, except possibly for a slight scratch or bruise with a bit of dust if the actor is male. Also, anyone who has to teach PHSE might well like Cab Cam, in which AXA took to the streets of London in a black taxi to carry out a survey of public opinion. (The driver doesn't appear to be wearing a seatbelt though!)

This post was sponsored by Axa Car insurance.

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The Pope's Visit

Can anybody explain to me exactly why my taxes are being used to help fund the Pope's visit? The man's views range from the merely bigoted to the truly bizarre. At least when some mad mullah comes over they pay their own way and provide an amusing spectacle.

Rod Liddle

Yesterday in the Sunday Times, Rod Liddle described bloggers as "that vast network of talentless and embittered individuals tapping away at their keyboards in the intellectual vacuum of cyberspace." I never realised that he read mine.

Whilst this might seem a bit rich from someone with no work experience outside journalism who writes a column each week about topics that were unlikely to have been covered in his Social Psychology degree, I don't blame Rod for launching an attack. He knows perfectly well that the mainstream press faces an ever growing problem, which is that the public now have a choice. They can read for free about the lunacy in for example, local councils, the justice system, the police, education or the NHS from people who actually know what they are talking about because they have worked for many years in these institutions, or alternatively they can pay to read a journalist's opinion on a topic they have no experience or understanding of.

Mind you, at least they know how to neatly finish off an article.

William Hague

William Hague has claimed today that when he used to do the deliveries for his dad's soft drinks company in Rotherham, he would regularly sleep with 14 women a day.

Getting a Grip

Aaargh...It's started already! I have been inundated with emails from teachers who have returned to find new computer systems that don't work, printers with no ink, photocopiers without paper and the entire staff email directory vanished without trace. Despite having 6 weeks off, there are numerous schools that haven't managed to issue timetables, registers, sets or even class lists.

Every Head needs a plaque with the phrase "Get a Grip!" nailed to their desk so it is the first thing they see each day.

Exams are NOT getting easier

Just because 5 year old Desiree Alli passed GCSE Maths this year does not mean that the exams have been getting steadily easier for years. It was simply a one-off and we should remember that an averagely intelligent child would have absolutely no chance of passing until they were 9 or even 10 years old.

Here We Go!

Lots of teachers return to work tomorrow and no Head can resist making a little speech to start the new term. A few will be inspirational, creating a warm feeling of comradeship and making every teacher feel wanted, appreciated and keen to do their very best. Most however will be dreadful, filled with cliches and wild new ideas which make no sense, but are greeted with wise nods by the SMT. They also include desperate pleas to work harder, interspersed with complaints about 'under-performance' which make everyone want to look for a job elsewhere.

However, you need to stay alert because at some stage during the day (usually morning break) you will hear someone utter Chalk's Teachers' Moan No 1:

"It doesn't seem like we've been away!"

Do us all a favour and shoot this person.

Home and Away

For those of you who haven't been to France for a while, here's my views on the place:

Their motorways are much better than ours with hardly any traffic jams. So they should be, as you have to pay to use them. Every so often you pass through a line of booths where you are charged an amount based on your mileage, the ambient temperature and a random multiple dreamt up by the booth operator. As far as actual driving is concerned, there are a number of differences that you need to be aware of.

When changing lanes on the motorway, French law requires drivers to signal and move at exactly the same time. It is illegal to give any notice of your intentions to other road users, presumably to ensure that every driver remains fully alert. If you wish to repeatedly change lanes for no reason other than to test the reflexes of your fellow travellers, then the signal can be dispensed with. Lorry drivers should remember that the same overtaking rule applies as in the UK; ie only do it on a hill so that you can block up two lanes for miles on end.

When approaching a roundabout it is important not to disrupt the flow of traffic by reducing your speed at all. Simply treat it as a bend in the road. When you wish to leave the roundabout, just do so regardless of which lane you are in. Note: if several drivers are on the roundabout simultaneously then priority is given to the one chattering on his mobile phone. Whatever purpose Zebra crossings might have was never revealed to me. If you pass a cyclist struggling up a hill, then you have to give them room and shout "Bravo!" which is a nice touch.

If any readers have ever complained about the prices at British motorway service stations then stop what you are doing, write to them now and apologise. French prices will make your eyes water. (In fact I challenge you to find anything that is cheaper in France than Britain apart from supermarket beer and wine and the house wine in a restaurant) Beer in a bar or restaurant is now 5 Euros a half litre absolutely everywhere!

French meals consist of a cold starter of greasy things followed by a warm main course of greasy things. It is the most over rated food on Earth and no Frenchy under the age of thirty will touch it. Italian restaurants have taken over and are invariably excellent. (Does anybody know why we never get Italian restaurants with wood burning ovens in the UK? Is it our smoke regulations? If you can get round it, then open one and make your fortune). One thing the French are good at though is croissants and pain au chocolat. (Their women are slimmer than ours too, probably because they don't eat sugary snacks all the time- the Tabac isn't piled high with confectionery like our newsagents are)

French wine is even more over rated than their food. Buy a random bottle of French wine in the supermarket and it will be terrible. As they steadfastly refuse to label bottles with the grape then you have absolutely no idea what you are getting. Bizarrely (with reds and rose anyway) the cheaper you go, the better it tastes. The stuff that comes in a plastic bottle for one Euro is the best of all.

The weather makes up for all of this though, in my opinion. After three weeks, I could cheerfully spend the rest of my life camping in the South of France. We camped near Embrun, an old town with a beautiful cobbled centre at the southern end of the French Alps which has an average of 300 days of sunshine per year. Such conditions make living in a tent a completely hassle free existence, with no hoovering or DIY to feel bad about not doing. Also there is very little cleaning needed and when you only have half a dozen items the washing up doesn't take long at all. This easy routine leaves plenty of time for bike riding and quiet contemplation by the swimming pool (campsites in France are about a million times better than English ones and get much quieter after August 15th)

The Best things in life are Free

It is of course true that the best things in life are free and examples abound. A friend of mine was complaining to me recently that his 4 year old son had already forgotten about the birthday present that they had carefully chosen for him, but had been playing non stop for days with the large cardboard box that it came in. The boy's active imagination had made it into half a dozen different items, including a train (which was in fact the present that was originally wrapped inside it!)

It's the same with summer activities- a small child will still be poking about in a rock pool or happily demonstrating how they can skim a stone on the sea, long after a computer game is forgotten. Your bank manager will also be delighted, especially if you remember the 'Kids Eat Free' offer from Pizza Hut which has just been extended until Jan 9th 2011. For every adult main course or adult lunchtime buffet purchased, an accompanying child can choose from either a FREE 2 course kids meal (includes a drink) or a FREE kids lunchtime buffet (includes pizza, pasta and salad).

to get great deals on a wide range of family activities and adventures including holidays, theme parks, zoos and more.There's nothing better than pizza to keep kids happy and you can find more details about the offer at http://bit.ly/a1DhgJ Also don't forget that on the bottom of any Pizza Hut Restaurant receipt you will find an offer code. Enter this code at http://www.pizzahut.co.uk/familyadventures

This post is sponsored by Pizza Hut
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Holidays

We're off to France avec les velos tout terains so posts for the next couple of weeks will be sporadic at best. (No cheering please)

My advice whilst I'm away is to read inspector gadget's blog (see the link on my sidebar as I can't work out how to do them from my portable telephone)

Hand Car Wash

There are many things that I am not very good at and looking after my car is one of them. Yesterday, on impulse I called in at a newly opened Hand Car Wash, to see what would happen.

A dozen Eastern European men immediately descended on my vehicle; spraying, wiping, waxing and furiously polishing until it took on a completely different appearance. I was amazed at the results and now proudly display my car for all to marvel at, rather than hiding it round the corner in shame.

Why do we pay our own youth to sit around on the Rock 'n Roll all day and bring in foreigners to work?

Creative Thinking

There is a craze in state education at the moment for 'creativity', 'critical thinking' and even 'entrepreneurial skills'.

I heard a science teacher recently explain how they were moving away from what he called 'factually based learning' towards the concept of 'broadening the learners' imaginations and encouraging them to...' I can't remember the rest as I stopped listening, started drinking furiously and immediately labelled him as a fool.

People who invent things invariably have a huge in depth knowledge of their subject (self taught in many cases). Creativity is hugely over rated (the vast majority of inventions are simply clever modifications of existing devices and new scientific theories tend to be incremental advances by people tinkering with the current rules and equations. Most successful businesses also just copy an existing idea and do it better).

People are best persuaded to become entrepreneurs when they feel they might benefit from the results, rather than having to pay all their profits in taxes to fund an army of public sector box tickers. (Actually we shouldn't be trying to persuade people to risk everything in their own business venture when the vast majority would be better off working for someone else. I think entrepreneurs are more born than made.)

As for critical thinking- well, I'm afraid that the opinion of someone who does not know about their subject is utterly worthless. (But don't let that put you off reading my blog)

Ian Huntley

Whilst I haven't got the slightest concern for Ian Huntley's wellbeing, the fact is that prison inmates should not be able to slash each other with home made weapons.

Rather than giving him a large sum of money, we should perhaps do something to stop prisoners from getting their hands on razor blades, knives, drugs etc. by taking the obvious step of not allowing them to receive parcels or have any contact with visitors.

Theo Albrecht

Theo Albrecht, long term recluse and recently deceased cofounder of Aldi is my new hero. After being kidnapped in 1971, he haggled down his own ransom and then tried to claim it back off the taxman as a business expense!

Gyms and Health Clubs

Driving back from B&Q the other day, I passed a newly opened gym advertising for new members. One of the walls was glass fronted but I couldn't decide whether this was so that passers-by could ogle, or to allow those inside to look out on the beautiful vista of a busy roundabout, second hand furniture shop and garage.

It was a lovely sunny day (just before the school holidays started and everything went grey), perfect for a nice walk or maybe getting out on your bike along any of the nearby canal towpaths or heading to the countryside, yet inside were a couple of dozen brightly clad people busily walking on treadmills (wearing earphones), using a stair climbing machine similar to those installed in 19th century workhouses, or cycling on stationary bikes whilst watching the television (seriously!)

What attracts people to these overheated places? Ok you can lift weights, but then you can buy a couple of dumbbells for about 50p nowadays and if you want to get fit, why not just go out for a run? Is it the social aspect? If you know the answer then please enlighten me, otherwise it will just get added to the list of things I don't understand.

Tour de France

The Tour de France is not just the World's hardest sporting event, it is in a totally different league from anything else. 23 days of racing at a pace that most good cyclists could not maintain for half an hour. (The British media reward their efforts with no tv coverage on the main channels and a few column inches in the newspapers squeezed beneath the latest on Wayne Rooney's holiday in Barbados.)

Well done to Alberto Contador in winning, to Lance Armstrong for battling on when things weren't going his way, unlike many stars who would simply have pulled out and to our own Mark Cavendish whose stage win on the Champs Elysees yesterday was spectacular and left a bunch of world class sprinters scattered helplessly behind him.

Now we just need Bradley Wiggins to get his act together for a podium finish next year.

Ryanair

Flying with Ryanair the other week, I discovered at check in that my luggage was 3 kg over the limit (15kg). Rather than pay the excess baggage charges, I chose to suffer the indignity of boarding the plane wearing three tee shirts, two jumpers and a waterproof coat with a trainer in each pocket. A towel draped casually around my neck, trying desperately hard to look like a scarf (It was about 30 degrees C in the airport) completed the image of the suave and sophisticated traveller.

Now I have only admiration for Michael O Leary's business model of paying exactly for what you use and nothing more, but I really feel that he has missed a trick. Why don't airlines weigh each passenger with their luggage and charge a set fee per kilogram. After all, mass is mass (as any science teacher might be able to tell you) and needs fuel to carry it from A to B, no matter whether it is in the hold or attached to the person sat next to me. I'm sure various groups would object, such as the Friends of Fatties and the Stout Supporters Union but they could all be told where to go.

If you are reading this Michael- then go on, I dare you...

Etape du Tour

Imagine 10 000 people in a bike race on closed roads, with huge climbs and hair raising alpine descents. This was the 'Etape' on Sunday; a 112 mile course in the Pyrenees over the stage that the Tour de France will ride this Thursday.

You can really fly through the bends using both sides of the road (although judging by some of the competitors' bike handling skills, this was probably what they normally ended up doing) and there are loads of spectators along the route shouting "allez!", ringing cowbells and generally doing French things, so you feel just like a pro as long as you don't look at your watch. (The photo shows me just missing someone who was wheeling a broken bike out of the way.)

There were three big climbs on this year's course; Col du Marie Blanc, which wasn't too bad except for the bottleneck near the top, the unrelenting Soulour and just to finish us off at the end; the 12 mile horror of the Tourmalet. All in all, a hot, sunny and extremely memorable day out. Comical moments included a donkey wandering across the road on the freewheel down to La Mongie after the finish, which nearly wiped me out.

If you've ever even vaguely considered it, then get training and race next year. There is a real carnival atmosphere about the event and loads of Brits go out to do it.

Etape du Tour

For those of you who are interested, I am once again riding the Etape du Tour this Sunday. It's in the Pyrenees this year and features such delights as the Col du Soulour and the Col du Tourmalet; neither of which sound very flat to me. The pros ride the course next Thursday as Stage 17 of the Tour de France.

If I survive the experience, then I will be back next Tuesday.

ps if anyone can tell me why my Orange Mobile Broadband has been so slow and erratic for the last week then please let me know, as Orange don't seem to be in any hurry to do so.

Science Reporting in The Times

For the second week running, I've read an article in the Sunday Times explaining how either a car or a city will be 'powered by water'. I can't post the link because they would now like you to pay to access their website.

If anyone who works for the Times is reading this, could you please use some of the money to pay for the science editor to take a GCSE in the subject. They will then discover that it actually requires lots of energy to split water into Hydrogen and Oxygen. (If you do it the opposite way round-ie combine the two gases to make water, then you can generate electrical current to power whatever you like)

The general standard of science reporting throughout the media is absolutely terrible. Articles either contain basic mistakes or are sexed up versions of something that appeared in New Scientist a few weeks earlier, with a bit of certainty added for good measure.

Jeremy Vine

I urge you to listen to Jeremy Vine today (Monday). He's got a couple of fruits who agree with Zenna's comments and it's hilarious. "Schools should reflect society and children need to see that not everybody is perfect" was one of the lines I remember.

I have to say though, that I'm starting to come round to the idea that we need really crap people employed in every career, because they really do make you feel better (unless they are a doctor in which case they probably don't in the long term).

Anyway, for all those of you who would love to see me in a darkened room, click here to watch my short ITV interview which didn't make the Ten O' clock News the other night because Moaty couldn't make up his mind whether to talk to Gazza or top himself.

Oh and Here's a link to the facebook page set up for PC David Rathband

Ofsted

I've met some very good school inspectors but also plenty of dimwits and after hearing Zenna Atkins' words of wisdom; maybe it's time to scrap Ofsted and simply run the state school system like Tesco, with area managers for each county who have the power to reward the good teachers and heads and sack all the rubbish. (Every member of staff knows exactly who they are- just let them vote on it)

Regional managers could in turn keep an eye on them and somebody at the top can take overall responsibility and face the shareholders (ie the taxpayers). Surely that couldn't be any worse than the current ridiculous system of hoop jumping inspections which don't really measure anything worthwhile and paying everyone the same regardless of whether they are good, bad or not even there for months on end.

We Need Bad Teachers!

There is a great article on the front page of today's Sunday Times (I can't link to it unfortunately) where Zenna Atkins, chairwoman of Ofsted (whose job it is to maintain standards in state schools) announces that "every school should have a useless teacher"

I was inspired by this comment and have immediately re applied for my old job.

Her rationale is that "children learn how to identify which teachers are good role models and become adept at exploiting incompetent ones, which is a valuable skill for playing authority in later life" (seriously, I'm not making this up)

Hopefully those recruiting for other jobs (such as airline pilots or nuclear power station controllers) will take Zenna's wisdom on board and stop this ridiculous drive to only take on people who are good at what they do.

It does make you wonder though. How exactly did Zenna, who apparently left school with just one 'O' Level; manage to become head of the education standards watchdog?

BREAKING NEWS! Raoul and Gazza

Temporary Chief Constable Sue Sim's hairdresser is surrounded by armed police.

I just love the expression on that guy's face with the tazer. He needs to be put on every recruiting poster immediately.

Anyway, now that it's all over the police clearly have a few embarrassing questions to answer:

1) Why was Gazza not involved in this case right from the start? So much for armed police and trained negotiators- Gascoigne turns up and despite being five pints the worse for wear; brings the situation to a successful conclusion in no time at all.

2) Why did nobody lay down their weapon and challenge Moat to a one on one martial arts style fight? I saw this on a film once and it did the trick.

3)Why has no apology been given to local residents who have suffered days of radio and tv interference caused by Sue Sim's hair.

The only serious bit is the condition of PC David Rathband whom the media seem to have forgotten about. Let's hope for the best.

Raoul Moat

Loondog Raoul Moat (even his first name sounds like the cry of a werewolf) has declared war on the police (well, those who are unable to defend themselves anyway- not the ones carrying submachine guns). I was scared witless when I turned on the news to see the lady with the funny hair from Northumberland Police. (See Inspector Gadget's blog for a picture and lots of comment about arming the police)

Which halfwit thought that letting him out was a good idea? (I'm talking about Raoul, not Sue Sim)

Hot Dog Eating

Once again the clear link between a diet of junk food and poor behaviour has been demonstrated; this time by ex-hot dog eating champion Takeru Kobayashi who had to be thrown out of this year's competition at Coney Island, New York.

If you think nothing of polishing off 50 hot dogs, or maybe you fancy your chances in the blueberry pie (hands free) category; then the official website for Major League Eating can be found here.

ps due to an unfortunate misunderstanding with local sponsors, the international round of the hot dog eating event due to be held in Soeul, Korea has had to be cancelled at short notice.

Oliver and Gillian Schonrock

The above couple live in Dulwich, South London and have committed the heinous crime of allowing their two children, aged eight and five; to cycle to school along the pavement. This is a distance of just one mile and the only road crossing is supervised by a lollipop lady (or lollipop person if you read the Guardian).

According to several reports in this weekend's papers, Alleyn's junior school (£12 000 per year if you would like your child to attend) believe that this is too dangerous and have apparently threatened to report the parents to social services unless they stop immediately. (What exactly would social services do? Take the children away maybe?)

It would make an interesting twist to the story if a pedestrian were to be knocked over by the two pedalling pupils. In any case, I suspect we will hear more about it.

Panorama- Can I sack Teacher?

The inability to get rid of poor teachers has been a problem for decades. It's partly down to poor recruitment and poor training, combined with a lack of leadership within schools. The absence of any emphasis on discipline combined with an obsession with every new 'teaching method' no matter how bonkers, does not really help matters.

Mix in a culture of political correctness which allows no criticism, along with unions who enthusiastically support those who cannot do their job and you have the perfect recipe for a profession in crisis. That's what attracted me to it anyway...

Panorama discusses this at half eight tonight. Watch it if you like.

Immigration

Today (on Newsnight) someone uttered a statement I've heard a thousand times:

"Immigrants do the low paid jobs that the British don't want to do themselves"

Why have I never heard the obvious reply?

"The only reason the Brits won't do these jobs is because they are paid benefits to allow them to sit at home watching daytime TV"

Councils

If anyone has a Council that isn't completely bonkers, could they please let me know so I can go and live there?

Ken Clarke

Secretary of State for Justice, Ken Clarke wants to send fewer people to prison and give more criminals community service instead, claiming that people are more likely to re offend if they go to jail.

Well nobody has ever robbed my house whilst they have been safely behind bars. Also nobody ever actually does community service, you simply turn up on day one, muck about a bit then go to your doctor and get signed off with a bad back. Alternatively you can simply threaten your supervisor to mark you present.

If community service meant pink overalls, chain gangs and hard graft, supervised by people who weren't actually terrified of you, then it would get my full support.

Andrew Lansley

Although Health Secretary Andrew Lansley has said a few good things in the past (ie "people who see fat people around them are likely to get fat themselves"), he is wrong to knock Jamie Oliver's desperate attempt to improve school dinners.

Most people had absolutely no idea how far canteens had fallen since they were kids. In the thirty years since I was eating in them, they changed from places where cooks made fairly nutritious meals with vegetables (admittedly often boiled to death) to places where clueless people heated up pre packaged horrors consisting of reconstituted animal bits and chips.

Oliver simply tried to do what Heads should have done years previously but lacked the courage to attempt.

NASUWT

Whilst the England football team performed with all the drive, enthusiasm and vigour of a bunch of council workers looking for something to do; teachers up and down the land can at least celebrate NASUWT leader Chris Keates' 7% pay rise to £135 000 and head of the Association of Teachers and Lecturers, Mary Bousted's 3.4% pay increase to £148 000.

Coursework Cheating

One of the things I boasted that I would not have at Chalk High, is any any course that involved teacher marked assessment.

Does it strike you as a good idea to judge teachers by the exam results their pupils achieve, then give them a piece of work weeks in advance that their pupils must carry out under 'exam conditions', then tell them to mark the papers? Should we be surprised that these coursework marks are often very high? It's a bit like telling driving instructors that they will only be paid if everyone passes.

Coursework used to be given to the kids to take home and obviously those with tutors or nice bright parents would gets tonnes of help. Now it is generally done in school so that we can make sure that all the results are fiddled equally. Cheating is absolutely endemic for the obvious reason that it isn't in anybody's interest not to. Dubious practices range from writing the answers on the board to 'just happening to teach something very similar the day before.' The temptation to read meaning into some vague answer and mark it correct is very strong indeed when you know that Mrs Wade down the corridor is doing the same and you might well be compared with her.

England

Told you we'd win- come on England!

So which strategy did your school adopt?

a) Turn a blind eye to the hundreds of forged notes to go to the dentist

b) Close at 2:30

c) Keep calm and carry on

Even More

If a member of staff were ever physically assaulted by a pupil at Chalk High School, then as Head it would be my duty to call the Police and expel the pupil immediately (as per the school contract).

The pupil's name and details of the assault would be published on the school website and circulated to any regional forums in order to cause maximum shame. The local press would be contacted with the story and to hell with any concerns about the school's image. (I know full well that some wretches might regard this as a 'badge of honour', but possible future employers won't). No future member of the family would be accepted into the school.

If the criminal prosecution proved to be unsuccessful then the school would immediately instigate civil proceedings.

The only reason all schools don't do these things already is that the Heads aren't up to it.

Out of Africa

Every school seems to have its own plan about what to do at 3pm on Wednesday, the more inventive are demanding money to let the kids watch the match in the school hall!

Is it bad form to refer to the forthcoming debacle as "Out of Africa"?

More things

Whilst I'm on a roll, here are a few more things you can expect at Chalk High school.

We will of course welcome advisers from the Council- so that their bizarre ideas can be ridiculed by staff and pupils alike.

Teachers will not dress like Earth Mothers, slappers, or scarecrows. Nobody shall wear a black heavy metal tee shirt.

Pupils will have a uniform and we will take the highly unusual step of actually making them wear it.

Only statutory sick pay will be paid for absences. The huge amount of money saved will be divided out amongst the staff who actually turn up to work. Some of it will be put aside to fund a wild party for the staff at the end of each school year.

Litter will be picked up by the naughty children from the school grounds and surrounding areas.

No syllabus will include any element of teacher graded assessment (ie cheating). Any teacher who doesn't finish the syllabus in good time to practice lots of past papers before the exam will be given a P45.

All out of hours work by staff (eg revision classes or after school clubs) is entirely voluntary and will be paid at time and a half.

All training days will be axed. (If you don't know how to teach kids, then you won't be working here anyway)

Anyone caught using a three letter acronym will be shot.

All parents will sign a legally binding document setting out what we expect from their child and what they can expect from us. We will chuck out any pupil who is repeatedly naughty as there will always be some other school willing to take them and sacrifice the chances of their nice pupils in order to deal with some 'complex behavioural issues'.

As the Headmaster, I shall conduct myself Gene Hunt style and randomly watch teachers every so often. They will be judged solely on an 'if it works, do more of it' basis. As long as they are teaching the syllabus, the kids are behaving themselves and the exam results are good, then I will lavish them with praise and leave them to get on with it.

Free Schools and Teachers

It is interesting that out of the seven hundred or so groups that have applied to set up their own school under the new 'Free Schools' initiative, half of them are teachers, despite the unanimous opposition of their own unions. The idea of not having to listen to a stream of nonsense from the local council must be appealing.

Needless to say; Chalk High School will be out there on the radical fringe, with such ground shaking proposals as:

A coherent discipline policy combined with the even more extreme idea of actually carrying it out.

The revolutionary suggestion that pupils will sit quietly and do some work.

Paying the really good teachers more than the absolutely terrible ones. A subversive concept shamelessly copied from every successful private enterprise in the World.

I feel like Che Guevara already.

HTC Hero

I have always found that after a couple of years or so, when I have finally mastered all the irritations, sorry- features of a mobile phone; it immediately stops working.

For the last six months I have cheerfully put up with my faithful old Nokia despite the fact that the button marked "2" does not work any more. However when "3" and "5" joined it in protest, I decided that maybe it was time to act.

As a result, I am now the proud owner of a box containing a phone called an 'HTC Hero'. It appears to have no buttons with numbers on them, which certainly seems like an oversight to me. The cheerful and enthusiastic Indian fellow (he claimed his name was 'Roger') who offered it to me when I phoned Orange, assured me that it was easy to use and that I would have access to a whole world of 'Apps' (?) and also the services of an Android. Presumably this will arrive separately in a larger box and will be useful around the house.

Any advice on Heroes, Apps or Androids will be gratefully accepted.