Tuesday, June 22, 2010

More things

Whilst I'm on a roll, here are a few more things you can expect at Chalk High school.

We will of course welcome advisers from the Council- so that their bizarre ideas can be ridiculed by staff and pupils alike.

Teachers will not dress like Earth Mothers, slappers, or scarecrows. Nobody shall wear a black heavy metal tee shirt.

Pupils will have a uniform and we will take the highly unusual step of actually making them wear it.

Only statutory sick pay will be paid for absences. The huge amount of money saved will be divided out amongst the staff who actually turn up to work. Some of it will be put aside to fund a wild party for the staff at the end of each school year.

Litter will be picked up by the naughty children from the school grounds and surrounding areas.

No syllabus will include any element of teacher graded assessment (ie cheating). Any teacher who doesn't finish the syllabus in good time to practice lots of past papers before the exam will be given a P45.

All out of hours work by staff (eg revision classes or after school clubs) is entirely voluntary and will be paid at time and a half.

All training days will be axed. (If you don't know how to teach kids, then you won't be working here anyway)

Anyone caught using a three letter acronym will be shot.

All parents will sign a legally binding document setting out what we expect from their child and what they can expect from us. We will chuck out any pupil who is repeatedly naughty as there will always be some other school willing to take them and sacrifice the chances of their nice pupils in order to deal with some 'complex behavioural issues'.

As the Headmaster, I shall conduct myself Gene Hunt style and randomly watch teachers every so often. They will be judged solely on an 'if it works, do more of it' basis. As long as they are teaching the syllabus, the kids are behaving themselves and the exam results are good, then I will lavish them with praise and leave them to get on with it.


Fee said...

I definitely want you in charge of my girls' education.

In return for enrolling them, I will provide two students who will;
Turn up on time, every day, in uniform
Do homework when it's supposed to be done
Apply themselves diligently to any set work
Not bother complaining to Mum & Dad about the teachers because they know it won't do them any good
Treat teachers/students/school property with respect

Boy on a bike said...

"Teachers will not dress like Earth Mothers"

Can you add Principals to that list as well?

RapidBlue said...

Im sure we can find some teachers eager to work with you Frank......

The chance to actually teach their subject (do their job) and not spend all day sorting out other teachers problems or misbehaving yoofs would be welcome!

Anonymous said...

If you will be offering a Physics course that actually involves some physics ( thus meaning that the books I used for A levels will not have to be consigned to the bin because they actually involve some maths, then I would like to download an application form!

Are you planning on an international campus? I fear the transatlantic commute may prove too much for me


ColdWater said...

RE: Adding principals to the list

Surely, there would be no need to as they wouldn't be called 'principal'?

Would they not be 'Headteacher' or preferably 'Headmaster'/'Headmistress'

Mr Natural said...

I trust that your teachers will work from syllabuses, not specifications, and only those that fit onto two sides of A4.

Lilyofthefield said...

Will Chalk High be free from three-letter-acronyms? I've got a bit of an issue with AfL and APP and all the other shiteybollocks that used to be called "marking", and think it only fair that we all know where we stand before I have to come and teach half a pretendy lesson that nonetheless crams the starter, micro-activities for each learning style plus accomanying mini-plenaries, and whole-class plenary to half a set of hand-picked kids who can be reasonably-well guaranteed not to throw compasses at me whilst I pretend I like them.

Boy on a bike said...

Coldwater - I prefer "Sir".

Anonymous said...

"Only statutory sick pay will be paid for absences"
What about if the absence is as the result of an attack by a pupil?

ray said...


Hopefully this will make you smile.

and @Anonymous - I suspect that attacks by pupils will be dealt with on a ten point plan that involves kicking ten types of s*** out of the offending pupil in a place that's private and secluded.

Anonymous said...

Let me know when you need a no nonsense physicist.

Anonymous said...

Cocaine-snorting, serial-shagger head teachers shall not produce their willie at the staff end-of-year party and ask if anyone "wants a bit".

True. Said head teacher went on to become a Labour advisor.