HSE

Sorry I've been away for the last week, trying to improve the future prosperity of the nation. On my return, I noticed this article about comedy Health and Safety restrictions in schools.

Although the HSE have stopped me from employing any more children to grind up old asbestos; on the whole they do seem to be a sensible bunch and all the nonsense about wearing goggles to play conkers and going on a course to learn how to use scissors, generally seems to come from the Local Education Authorities, Councils and the schools themselves. It's just easier to blame some vague 'Health and Safety' body.

If your classroom was colder than an Eskimo's nose only a few months ago, but is baking hot today, then have a look at this bit of their website

Tuition Fees

It looks like there will be an announcement soon on university tuition fees. My opinion is simple, as you might expect.

Let the universities charge whatever they like for a degree and they can compete with each other. Fund the students on a sliding scale from 100% of fees and say £5000 a year for the top 1% (based on both their GCSE and A Level results) sliding down steadily to nothing for anyone outside the top 20%.

The taxpayer wouldn't be wasting their money on people who shouldn't be at university and the students who should be there won't be leaving with huge debts.

World Cup

The World Cup is upon us and it is time for people like me with no interest whatsoever in football to fly England flags from their their houses, cars and person.

Mr Patel who lives in my road, claims that his employers have told him to remove the two little St George flags that he attached to his company car, claiming that they might offend... well they weren't sure exactly who, so they decided that it must be a Health and Safety issue instead. He then pinned them to a tree on the grass verge outside his house, so being a good citizen I immediately phoned the Council to complain about how offended I was. They agreed to send somebody round to ask him to take them down. He has probably been locked up by now.

Unemployment

The Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development (pass me an axe) have said that Government cuts could raise unemployment to over 3 million.

Who are they kidding? Unemployment has been over 3 million for years, it's just called Incapacity Benefit. 2.6 million people claim it; some because they are genuinely unable to work, most because it is more profitable and less hassle than having to sign on every fortnight and attend pesky job interviews.

How many GPs have actually said "No you're fine to work" when confronted with someone wanting to be signed off, who appears to have nothing wrong with them?

School Phobia

When Suffolk Council took the parents of a 16 year old boy to court for refusing to ensure that he went to school, they could not have anticipated a mad judge giving them a good telling off.

'School Phobia' is an unfortunate complaint suffered by around 98.6% of children and is traditionally cured by a parental clip round the ear. Judge Ward has sent out a clear message to parents: ie just get a loon psychologist to diagnose your child as school phobic and let them play in the garden; as well as to Councils: ie don't bother trying to prosecute the parents of persistent truants despite successive governments urging you to do so.

Every time I decide that our country just can't get any crazier, I am instantly proved wrong.

Wait a while Crocodile...

Teaching desperately needs to attract fewer hand wringers and more crocodile wrestlers

Two Year Degrees

The University and College Union (whoever they are) is up in arms about the idea of two year degrees, describing them as 'Sweatshops'.

Two ten week terms with about 5 weeks of lectures in the third term is now about average, so using simple arithmetic that works out at about 75 weeks of work spread over three years. Now if that were compressed into two years, it would be about 37.5 weeks each year.

I reckon we would be inundated with sweatshop workers from all over Asia if we introduced such a thing.

Poor Old GTC

I go away for one week and look what happens? They get rid of the General Teaching Council!

How will we cope without this erstwhile body who diligently copied out a list of every teacher's name and birthday each year without fail. As there are over 450 000 of us in the state sector plus a few from private schools who were daft enough to register, this was no mean feat. No wonder we had to pay £36 a year to join. Good job the Unions took a strong stand on that one.

As if that wasn't enough; BECTA, who told us where we could buy computers and the Qualifications and Curriculum Development Agency (who make sure that all the exams are equally easy) have also been axed. Who knows what useless organisation will be next; even Skills Development Scotland is worried. My advice is rebrand quickly (at great expense) and get a few key words in your name. No group with 'Diversity' or 'Outreach' in its title need have any fear, I suspect.

My life will seem empty without the GTC magazine though.

Dunkirk

Let's spend a moment thinking of events 70 years ago, when over the next nine days a third of a million men were evacuated across the Channel by over 700 boats, some of which would have been more suited to a boating lake. There were huge losses- over 200 boats were sunk and 400 aircraft shot down whilst trying to protect them against the Luftwaffe

40 000 men did not make it onto the boats; most became prisoners of War and were marched back to forced labour camps in Germany but a few escaped, making their way into Spain before being smuggled home. There must be a thousand tales of heroism, sacrifice, betrayal and sheer luck buried in those events, which almost seem to belong in a different world.

Mind you if I was in charge we'd have a National Holiday, financed by paying no Benefits for a day.

Two Year Degrees

The 'students' at my local University are just finishing their exams at the moment and the next academic year begins at the end of September.

As we hear constant (and often justified) complaints about the level of debt that students end up with and bearing in mind that most of them aren't exactly overworked during the six weeks or so of the year when they do actually have lectures; why oh why do we not just compress all the non serious subjects into two years?

University Intake

Poor children are still struggling to get into decent Universities according to the Office for Fair Access (which strikes me as an organisation that ought to be axed immediately as it has clearly failed)

This is no surprise whatsoever. If you live in a poor area, you go to a poor school (which makes the arguments about Academies bringing in a socially divisive education system seem a bit odd considering that's exactly what we have already). Cambridge University took more State school pupils in 1970 than it does now (because of Grammar schools).

Poor schools do not attract many academic teachers. Funnily enough, they go to the schools where they can actually teach their subject rather than spend the day giving out coloured pencils and trying to prevent a riot.

What poor schools do sometimes manage is to encourage their best pupils to apply to study some Mickey Mouse course at an institution whose name no employer can read without collapsing into a fit of giggles. Three years later they have a colossal debt and a worthless certificate.

It could hardly be more obvious that unless schools can select by academic achievement, then the Office for Fair Access will be copying and pasting the same report in another 10 years time.

Academies Again

It would be interesting to hear from a teacher who worked in an Academy...

Are they as bad as the teachers' unions make out (and if so, why don't they try and do anything about them)

Academies

Michael Gove is inviting all State schools to become Academies. This means that they find a private sponsor (who pays £2 million) and gets a little bit of say in what's taught (they don't have to follow every part of the National Curriculum, just the Maths, English and Science bits), the new school building if there is going to be one and what the school will 'specialise' in (all Schools nowadays are supposed to have a speciality- don't send yours to one that is a School of the Performing Arts if you want them to do well at Maths rather than dancing about like the kids from Fame). Funding comes direct to the school, cutting out the Local Authority and their army of advisers, facilitators, outreach officers etc etc. which means that they get more money. Each school is allowed to select up to 10% of their pupils by ability in their specialism.

It's probably true that the majority of teachers don't like the idea. Chris Keates of the NASUWT said that it was a 'costly and unnecessary solution to a problem that does not exist' (she has obviously never visited my school) and that it was wrong not to allow Local Authorities to have a say (My Local Authority can barely empty the bins never mind run schools). Mind you, she wasn't very happy about proposals to get rid of all those quangos that cheerfully wasted vast sums of money without any obvious return, either.

Now I'm sure that there will be problems with the odd loon trying to sponsor a school so that they can try and get some bizarre idea taught, whether it's Flat Earth Theory, Creationism or the Joy of Jihad. However it's easy to look up a sponsor's details nowadays and overall I can't help but think that it's an idea worth trying. Academies might not be the ideal solution, but at least they offer a chance of improvement without massive cost to the taxpayer. Let's face it; they can hardly do much worse than many of the schools we have at the moment.

White Pointy Hats

I've pinned this article to my classroom wall to remind me of the possible consequences of encouraging the children to dress up as the Ku Klux Klan. No way will I repeat the mistake of last year, when my form goose stepped into School Assembly all dressed in Nazi uniforms for the German exchange visit..

Cuts

Most Government spending is about as efficient as burning giant piles of ten pound notes to keep warm on a winter's night, but unfortunately the people who get to decide where to make the cuts tend to be the ones whose own jobs should be got rid of first.

Anyway, here's a top tip: get a list of everyone who works in the Public Sector and send a P45 to all those whose job description contains one or more of the following words:

Facilitator

Behaviour

Specialist

Co ordinator

Outreach

Gender

Councillor

Mentor

Development

Liason (I mean 'Liaison'- sorry my spelling is getting worse)

Traveller

Advisor

Welfare

Support

Best Practice

Community

There are probably a few people who have all those words in their job descriptions. Just put them up against the wall...

Ashes To Ashes Final Episode

So Gene, Alex, Chris, Ray and Shaz were all dead, Gene is Copper 6620 and Jim Keates represents the devil...

Good heavens! I'm not used to having to concentrate whilst watching the telly. Apparently there(sorry) were loads of clues that gave it all away but I missed most of them (apart from wondering why Shaz was so frightened of that screwdriver).

Winston Smith

Congratulations to Winston Smith for winning the 2010 Orwell Prize! (And for successfully proving me wrong when I claimed that all social workers were beardy-weirdy, sandal wearing hippies!)

Bill Newman

I get loads of people asking me to link to their blogs, but since most of them are as dull as Set 5, I rarely bother. I think this one might be an exception though. Bill is a new copper just starting out and neatly contrasts what they were taught in training with what the reality of the job is. He's only done a couple of posts so far, but I like his style. He writes with humour and knows how to tell a story, which puts him in the top 1% of blogs straight away.

It does bother me that there so many good police blogs compared with other careers. Where can I find a new teacher to even up the score?

Lydia May

Good news! Art teacher Lydia May has been found not guilty of hitting loon child with a Pritt Stick. God knows why such nonsense is clogging up our courts whilst the real crims just walk free laughing.

On an unrelated topic- I used to love playing cricket at school, (and after school on a local field that is now a housing estate) but this article claims that they don't do so any more. I wonder how true it is? The 'non competitive' bit wouldn't surprise me at all- there are no limits to how daft we can be in the state sector.

ps. Regular readers will no doubt be disappointed in the lack of gluey puns in the Lydia May post, but it is a serious story, so I decided to just stick to the facts.

The Day We Lost It

I'm sure that today will be remembered as the day when we finally lost the plot. After concluding that Abid Naseer and Ahmed Khan were a serious threat to us, we decide to let them stay here just in case something bad happens to them back home in Pakistan.

Mind you on second thoughts, there have been lots of other days with a good claim to this title in the last few years. Maybe we should just hope that these two are as incompetent as the 'Sizzling Sons of Allah' who tried to drive into Glasgow Airport back in 2007 and just celebrate with a mass bark at the Moon.

Pritt Stick Payout

Far more important than class sizes, national curriculum and SATS is the ever present danger of being taken to court by the compensation hungry parents of some ne'er-do-well.

Over the years we have allowed badly behaved kids to morph into 'children with behavioural difficulties' (ie absolving them of any responsibilities for their actions) and now we are reaping the rewards.

National Curriculum

Our new government is proposing to give schools 'more freedom over the curriculum', but what will this mean?

The National Curriculum was introduced in 1989 in order to make sure schools across England taught roughly the same things and could be compared using standard tests (SATS) and their results put into league tables.

The idea was loudly denounced in staffrooms up and down the Country. I can remember pretending to listen as one teacher after another ranted that they should decide what to teach; that it was yet more government interference, central control which undermined their authority; showed a lack of trust in them; Mrs Thatcher should be hung...etc etc. I just nodded wisely and thought it all sounded great.

The bottom line of course, which you cannot say in the staffroom; is that although some teachers would use their vast knowledge and individual expertise to come up with brilliant original lessons, which would thrill and educate every pupil; most would not. I was more than happy to be told what to teach and when to teach it. It just gave me one less thing to worry about.

As long as the bottom kids can be made exempt (which they can) and be taught something that will be of use to them (ie how to read, write and get up in the morning) then I've got no problem whatsoever with a National Curriculum. We will probably never all agree on its exact content, but it has to be better then no guidelines at all.

If you think differently then feel free to comment...

Free Schools

Well it looks like the idea of 'Free Schools' (allowing groups of parents or companies to run local schools) will go ahead. The details are a bit sketchy at the moment, but more will be revealed in the June budget.

The teachers unions vehemently oppose the plan, so it can't be such a bad idea. I'm certainly not going to criticise groups of parents desperate for a decent school to send their kids to; who have enough about them to make a serious attempt to run their own, especially when Local Education Authorities and Headteachers have made such a complete mess of so many schools up and down the country.

Whilst there should be concerns about the motives of some groups and companies who want to get involved, you do have to ask; could they really be any worse than those currently in charge?

Paul Chambers

Paul Chambers has lost his job, been fined £1000 and now has a criminal record.

For what exactly? Sending a joke message on Twitter; something that I would have done without a second thought at his age if the technology had been available. (In fact if I knew how to use Twitter I'd do it right now)

Nobody for one moment imagines that he was doing anything other than voicing his frustration. It does make you wonder when we will actually start addressing the real threats to our safety, rather than over reacting and making our country look stupid. (Which given the current state of the election, we really don't need any help with)

SATS Boycott

This week the SATS are due to take place across England to test those in year 6. Some teachers and headteachers are boycotting them for a variety of reasons such as:

Schools spend too much time teaching specifically to pass these tests.

Children are put under too much pressure at an early age simply for their school's benefit

The tests do not give a reliable indication of pupils' ability.

The results are used to publish league tables of schools which humiliate the awful ones.

Other teachers and parents support the SATS tests claiming that:

Without them parents would have no idea which schools were effectively teaching their children Maths and English and which were not.

It's only one set of tests- we had tests every year at school. They also get children used to sitting exams.

If we get rid of them, what do we replace them with?

No doubt you have your own views on the subject which are of course welcome.

Rabbiting On

Leporiphobia or 'Fear of Rabbits' is no laughing matter. This poor teacher from Germany has been unable to return to her school after one pupil thoughtlessly drew a little bunny with no thought whatsoever for the consequences.

I suppose it was a case of 'hare today, gone tomorrow'.

Thanks to Inspector Gadget for that. (Have a look at his video of Brown and Mandelson singing)

Election 2010

So Cameron got the most votes but didn't win; Gordon got voted out but isn't going and nobody voted for Nick Clegg but he's pulling all the strings?

And I thought education was in a bad way...

Downing St

Chinese President, Hu Jintao has just delivered a large box of Viagra to 10 Downing St after hearing that Gordon Brown was having trouble with his election.

Joburg Football Stadium

I'm not really interested in football, but I do wonder what possessed the South Africans to make their stadium look like a burning car tyre?

Peter Harvey Yet Again

Hoorah! Peter Harvey has just been found 'not guilty'. Are our courts suffering from an outbreak of common sense?

Filming

As a pupil, one of the most enjoyable things you can do at school is to attempt to drive your teacher into incandescent fury. This is guaranteed to provide far more entertainment than anything in their lesson will.

Whilst we were limited to placing drawing pins on the teachers chair, stuffing the board rubber into the top of the blackboard and putting something on top of the classroom door (all of which carried the very real risk of the whole class being kept in, caned or given extra homework) today's brats have the more subtle and powerful weapon of the mobile phone and camera.

One of the ways Peter Harvey was provoked was by some brat filming him on their mobile phone (which would certainly drive me up the wall.) The vast majority of Heads however, simply lack the courage to ban them in school.

Bigotgate

I have to admit that I can rarely manage 5 minutes in public without upsetting someone, so I do feel a bit sorry for poor old Gordon Gaffer. Mind you, he has lined himself up nicely for a career in State Education after immediately branding Gillian Duffy 'a bigotted woman' for having the cheek to mention immigration in anything less than glowingly positive terms.

Good or Outstanding

I would like to apologise to you all for talking complete nonsense over the last five years. According to schools inspectors, pupils' behaviour in 80% of schools (4 out of 5 for those of you who teach primary) is either 'good' or 'outstanding'.

It's time to come clean. Troublemakers like myself have been lying to you all along.

Peter Harvey Again

As I'm sure you've heard, the trial of Peter Harvey, a teacher at All Saints School, Mansfield; has just begun at Nottingham Crown Court. It would appear that whilst teaching a nightmare class last July, he lost it completely and is accused of trying to kill one of his pupils, Jack Harvey (who cannot be named for legal reasons) with a 3 Kg weight, whilst shouting "Die, Die, Die!" (Whether it was a German lesson and he was merely emphasising the correct form of the definite article, has not been revealed.

Leaving aside the weight, it sounds like one of my average teaching days; so he has my full sympathy. Sadly though, I think it will take more than that to help him. Unfortunately none of our political leaders realise or care that for every teacher who makes the headlines by cracking up in spectacular fashion, a thousand more just wearily turn up day after day to face an endless barrage of appalling behaviour and abuse, in the hope that they might give one or two kids a chance in life.

Earthquakes and Volcanoes

Iranian scientists have finally proven what I've said all along: ie women not dressing modestly are the main cause of earthquakes.

I have emailed Mr Sedighi to ask him whether his seismological research has uncovered any evidence to support my own theory that the current Icelandic eruption was caused by the outfits worn by some fat girls on a hen night in Cleethorpes.

Going up!

If, like me; you have often lain awake at night worried about the layout of Grace Brothers Department Store, then hopefully this page will help put your mind at rest.

I asked a friendly assistant in John Lewis last week whether stationery should have actually been on the First Floor along with telephones, but she simply called the police...

Studies have shown...

Whenever I read the words 'studies have shown', with regard to people's diet, behaviour or reaction to medicines; I always groan because the truth is that they usually haven't shown anything at all. The vast majority of these 'studies' aren't done rigorously enough, or on enough subjects to give any meaningful results at all.

They are of great use to marketing experts however, hence a constant stream of fad diets, brightly coloured gizmos and people dancing around in front of their televisions believing that they will lose weight.

This one may well be the same, but it does agree with something I've gone on about for years both on my blog and in my book; ie that regular exercise for both children and adults is absolutely vital. From my own experience, it improves kids behaviour (even the naughtiest child will behave perfectly after about three days on any school trip involving some prolonged physical effort outdoors) and if it improves their concentration and ability then that's a Brucey Bonus, as the great man would say.

If I had my way, a wide range of energetic sports would be done each day at schools (with a large supply of comical kit for those who have 'forgotten' theirs)

Mount Eyjafjallokul

I'm definitely going to vote for the Icelandic Volcano Party; they've done more to stop immigration in five days than our government's managed in 13 years...

Iceland- what can I say?

First they pinch our money, then they bugger up the skies...

When the Royal Navy returns from picking up tourists stranded in Europe, they should make a detour and pay those puffin eaters a visit. We said very clearly that we wanted them to send us 'cash' not 'ash', or at the very least; free fish fingers for the next 20 years.

From the above tirade, you will not be surprised to learn that I managed to get myself stuck abroad, in the land of the Surrender Monkey. Although I have often slated Crystal Holidays in the past, I have to hand it to them this time; they really got their act together, sorting out accommodation, hiring coaches and booking ferries early enough to get us home before everything became full up, which is more than a lot of other companies managed. Mind you, their Reps still can't speak two words of the local lingo...

The DVLA

If you should ever find yourself completely at peace with the World- calm, happy and relaxed; then just phone up the DVLA and I guarantee that in no time at all, you will be reduced to incoherent rage, incandescent fury or uncontrollable sobbing. Maybe even all three...

Word War 1

All Police leave has been cancelled today amid fears that more planned marches by Scrabble fundamentalists could result in a repeat of the violent scenes from yesterday's protests; where police came under a barrage of tiles as they attempted to prevent demonstrators converging on Trafalgar Square, many carrying placards and banners featuring 'Mattel' spelt with a small 'm' in order to show their opposition to any idealogical shift.

A member of one group, the Scrabble Rabble; known only by his gang name, 'Quixyzy'; claimed that Police had provoked the marchers by shouting out proper nouns and even collections of letter such as 'hig' and 'dutton' which, not being words; are considered offensive to Scrabblers. The Police Complaints Commission has said that it takes such allegations extremely seriously, whilst a spokesman from the breakaway Travel Scrabble Association denied any part in the rioting, adding that 'rioting' would be awarded a 50 point bonus for the use of all seven letters.

Write Your Own Dissertation

Although I risk providing free publicity to this grotty company who spammed me with their offers to write dissertations for the bone idle and hard of thinking; I feel it is wrong to deprive you of the opportunity to have a good laugh at their website.

As they say 'Proper dissertation help ends your anxities'

Who better to write your dissertation than a bunch of people who can't spell or even string a sentence together in English. Mind you, those who buy them probably can't either, so maybe nobody would notice that it wasn't their own work...

Julia Finill

I'm giving March and April's Amazon commission (see the sidebar) to the Children's Trust by sponsoring Julia Finill's first attempt at the London Marathon. You can read all about it at http://www.justgiving.com/julia-finill

Her husband Chris has run every London Marathon and is apparently a bit of a champion in the sport of ultra running (running crazy distances to you and me). I'm a sucker for these kind of stories, so give her some encouragement.

Lambs not to the slaughter etc.

Here is the news:

After a determined campaign by headline writers up and down the country, I'm glad to report that Andrea Charman is back at school, (no doubt planning to boil the school hamster even as we speak).

The 45th strongest teaching union, the ATL have complained about teachers being interviewed and rated by the kids. Whilst I'm just slightly sceptical about the teacher who claims that she didn't get a job because a child said that she wasn't as pretty as the other candidate, it does draw attention to something I moaned about at length in my book; ie 'the tail wagging the dog'. This is the growing practice of consulting the pupils on every decision made in the school, which was enthusiastically supported by naive teachers up and down the land. My own suggestion, for which I couldn't think of a suitable analogy; is that the pupils should sit still and keep quiet whilst the Senior Management makes a decision and then carries it through. (That last bit had to go in italics because it is a revolutionary concept in many schools.)

Another of the 476 teachers unions, the NASUWT; has declared that they are completely opposed to the idea of letting parents or companies set up their own taxpayer funded schools. Conservative Michael Grove has challenged them to run one themselves and show us all how it should be done. They didn't like that idea, which is fair enough I suppose; as they aren't really in the business of running schools; but bearing in mind that Mavis the dinner lady could do a better job than many heads, I don't think that the idea should be simply dismissed.

School Trips

I'm sure we all remember the school trips of our youth- fighting on the coach, shoplifting, watching the teachers sneak off to the pub; all those sort of life building experiences. The occasion was only slightly spoilt by the inevitable dull project to be written up afterwards.

This report claims that not enough school trips take place. I say the reasons for this are as follows:

Organising a trip is a tonne of hassle for which you will be paid not one extra penny. You will receive no reward if it goes well, but if something goes wrong you will face the Spanish Inquisition. There are endless pages of soul destroying risk assessments to be completed, consent forms to be sent out to parents who then have to be chased for a reply, payment to be collected inevitably in dribs and drabs, when you are busy doing something else and don't have any means of recording it, lazy parents to be chased up yet again, records of everything to be kept and filed, before setting work for all the classes that you will miss whilst away. I'm knackered already and we haven't even gone anywhere yet.

Whilst away you can worry yourself stupid that some child will cut their thumb or catch a cold and mummy will be running to the nearest 'no win, no fee' solicitor. Rest assured that on your return you will find that your classroom has been trashed because the person covering your lessons allowed the kids to run riot.

Toshiba

Many thanks to everyone who offered advice about buying a laptop. No doubt you cannot wait to hear what I ended up with. (Please feel free to all write in and tell me that I have just made the greatest mistake of my life etc.)

I went into PC World and Comet, armed with a list of your recommendations and tried out the keyboards and screens of all the different makes. The PC World assistant appeared to be only 14 years old, but talked confidently about 'gigs' and the benefits of an 'Athlon' over a 'Celeron'. He seemed particularly enthusiastic over one machine which had a 'dual core' and stroked it reverentially as he spoke.

All this twaddle brought out the worst in me, so I declared that I was no fool and explained the results of my own research. I knew that I could type at a maximum of 30 words per minute ie half a word per second. Let's assume each word averages four letters, so that means I need a machine which can achieve 2 Hertz (cycles per second). Throw in a few more for updating the screen, checking the memory etc and 10 Hertz should be sufficient for my requirements.

This troubled him a bit and he sadly informed me that machines of 10 Hertz hadn't been invented yet, but would probably be available in a few years time (He gazed whistfully into the distance at this point). Feeling slightly guilty at upsetting him, I hurried away.

I only lasted two minutes in Comet, as the assistant was clearly devoid of intelligence and kept trying to sell me an extended warranty 'for my own protection, in case the machine should break down'. I explained that it wouldn't be me who needed protection if the machine decided to stop working and headed to John Lewis; where the intelligent, middle aged salesman convinced me that the Toshiba would do me just fine. (I like John Lewis because the girls who work in perfumes etc are good looking and flirt outrageously whereas the blokes who work in electronic things know their stuff but don't talk in techno-jargon. Everyone however knows where everything is in the store. Try testing them with some obscure item for fun- you can never catch them out.)

Anyway, as no shop would match internet prices and having the meanness gene; I nipped round the corner to a nearby cafe to see how much I could save by buying online, only to discover that it was the same price. So tail between my legs, I returned and handed over my hard earned royalties.

Sub £500 Laptop

If anyone could recommend a laptop for under £500 then I would sing your praises forever...

ps Sorry, as one poster wisely pointed out, it would gave been helpful if I had thought to say what I wanted it for...

Mainly word processing and web browsing, so a decent screen is important, but I don't want to watch DVDs or play games on it. Battery life of 2-3 hours is fine and portability isn't a major factor as I don't carry it around every day.

Easter is a time for giving...

Next Monday, people with no hobbies or outside interests will attend the annual conference of the Association of Teachers and Lecturers where they will debate weighty matters such as whether the practice of giving your teacher a present has become too competitive.

Myself and Mrs C regard competition as a thing to be encouraged. She even goes so far as to send parents a list of suitable presents.

I once received a book on Great British Scientists from a pupil who, to put it mildly was not one I would have expected a present from. I was genuinely grateful and mentioned it whenever our paths crossed, until I discovered that it had in fact been stolen from the local library. On another occasion, I was presented with a sturdy wooden book case. As I carried it across the school car park, I heard the footsteps and cries of a small, well behaved child who accosted me, claiming that it was his woodwork project. I expressed my doubts at this claim until he pointed out his name on the back of it.

Boy not Stuck in Tree Shocker!

Well it looks like there's more to yesterday's story than meets the eye. The Head of Manor School has written a couple of letters to parents giving their side of the story (basically, nobody stuck in a tree and a loon on the premises.) Here's their school website

Whereas you might expect nothing less from me, it is a bit shocking that virtually every newspaper, even the ones who don't believe in crystal healing, flying saucers and horoscopes; simply printed the story without doing any checks whatsoever, as did Chris Evans and co. on the radio. Actually I suppose it's not really that surprising- it happens all the time.

Anyway, I apologise in advance for callously deceiving you all if the story turns out to be completely wrong. See how many of the newspapers and DJs do the same.

I hesitate to bring your attention to today's story about a school that faked the shooting of one of their staff to encourage children to take an interest in Forensic Science. With my luck, by tomorrow it will have been revealed that they really did shoot him...

No, don't say "Health and Safetree" please

How can any of us sleep safely in our beds knowing that feckless criminals such as Kim Barrett are roaming the streets, wandering on to school grounds without permission and rescuing small boys from trees. Where will it end?

Thank goodness the quick thinking staff at Manor Primary School in Melksham, Wiltshire were on hand to 'observe the child from a distance', otherwise who knows what might have happened.

Fortunately common sense has prevailed in this instance, with a warning letter being sent from the School and a visit from a Community Support Officer. Hopefully this should put an end to any more of Ms Barrett's good deeds, although frankly, I think she needs to be locked up.

After May

We are all going to get heartily sick of hearing about the General Election by about mid April, so I will get my posts on the subject out of the way now.

Whoever gets in, two things seem certain. Firstly the number of Academies (schools allowed independence from local councils) will increase.

I can't help but think that the Academies programme is a bit like painting over the cracks in your living room wall. It gives a quick and easy improvement, but avoids facing up to the fundamental problems. (Ever rising numbers of kids who won't behave, parents who don't care, Heads who can't lead, qualifications that have been dumbed down and a growing percentage of teachers who don't know much about the subjects they are supposed to be teaching.)

Nobody appears to be interested in tackling those things.

Secondly, there will be state schools run by private companies, charities and parents. Whilst I reckon that John Lewis School would be excellent, I'm not too keen on a job at Poundstretcher Comprehensive.

Feel free to suggest any companies whose schools would have amusing titles or mottos.

Polls Apart

The BBC recently published an article which happily repeated without question, various claims of an online poll (ie one where you have no idea who is answering the questions)

This article claimed that that 80% of boys knew that Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone and that more children want to win a Nobel Prize for Science than win the 'X Factor'.

They may well be disappointed however if it is true that a third of them thought that Isaac Newton discovered fire...

Anyway, the important point is that Primary school kids seem excited by Science whereas Secondary school pupils are not. The reasons for this are simple.

Science in Primary Schools is new and interesting, whereas in Secondary Schools it has become extremely boring, due to a dull syllabus and over zealous Health and Safety rules which put teachers off attempting the more interesting (ie loud) practicals. Combine this with endless preparation for tests and a serious lack of new teachers with an in depth knowledge of their subject and you have a recipe for disaster.

Langlauf

Sorry I haven't posted for a bit, I've been learning to Cross Country Ski in Seefeld, Austria; the land of Lederhosen. If you have no interest in skiing then look away now.

Like most Brits, I'd never even tried Cross Country; (or 'langlauf' as they call it) always believing the rumours that it was just 'plodding about for old people'.

Now I know differently. It's like your first week of skiing all over again; with all the bruises, falls and sheer fun that this involved. It's like skiing on a clothes prop in a pair of wellington boots.

There's two styles- classic which we tried first, where you shuffle along ready made tracks and skating, which is what you see in the Olympics, where you glide gracefully along outside the tracks, like an ice skater. (Or in my case, you glide along in a stuttering fashion, frantically jabbing both poles into the snow, completely out of sync with your legs until spots start to appear before your eyes). Being British, we obviously didn't even consider taking lessons; with the result that by the first afternoon those who had gone to the Schischule were still walking up and down the beginners field, whereas we were miles away, covered in bruises, upside down with our heads sticking out of a snowdrift.

The two mistakes I made where to assume that the tracks were flat and that controlling the skis would be easy. The reality is very different. The tracks lead you up and up, puffing and panting, before the inevitable descent where you step out of the tracks and try to turn just as if you were on normal skis, before discovering that langlauf skis have no metal edges. As your speed increases, you start frantically snowploughing, which doesn't slow you down that much; then go into full scale panic, stepping about trying to do a Stem Christie turn before accepting the inevitable and desperately hoping to land in a bank of soft snow.

Whilst I admit that it is possible Johann the instructor tells you the secret of how to control the skis in his lessons; as far as I am concerned, you might as well go skiing on two giant sticks of chewing gum.

After a while you do start to get the hang of it though and trekking through the beautiful Alpine scenery on a sunny morning to your planned lunchtime destination is an experience which is hard to beat (You get a map and follow the signs- it's like going out for a walk but with a lot more screaming)

Despite currently walking with a limp as well as being black and blue, I'd heartily recommend it. Oh and try Bratwurst and Germknodel in the Gasthof (but not together)

Election 2010

It looks like there's going to be lots of arguments about Education in the run up to the election and no doubt both the main parties will be asking for my opinion of their proposals.

David Cameron doesn't want teachers with Thirds, but hasn't realised that you can get a 2:1 'Teaching in Primary schools' Degree without being able to add up, spell or string a sentence together. Labour on the other hand want to assess teachers' empathy, understanding and passion' (by asking them questions on a computer)

The Conservatives say that they want to provide more choice for parents when there are nearly 800 000 spare school places already; Labour are building ever bigger schools, where children can simply get lost in the system.

Neither party has so far come up with any simple, clear proposals on how to improve the thousands of sink schools and the quality of the Edutainment on offer in these places.

At least in Australia, the school battlefields are properly organised.

Set up your own School

At the moment you can educate your child at home with only the odd visit from the Council to check up on what you are up to, but you can't get together with a group of like minded people, set up your own school and expect the Government to pay for it.

Lots of groups in little villages and inner cities where there are no decent schools, want to create their own school and over the next few months, I reckon that we will hear a lot more about it.

There are a few questions to be answered though; what happens when a group of nutters want to set up their own school, preaching the joys of Religious Fundamentalism, Crystal Healing or Flat Earthism? How do we decide who is 'suitable' and what happens when the founding group lose interest and don't want to run the school any more?

Mind you; in many areas, whatever is set up could hardly be any worse than what we have already, so maybe it is an idea worth considering.

Maths Test

There is a link to a shortened version of the Maths test given to 155 Primary School Teachers by the Dispatch Programme here The questions are all reasonably straightforward and are similar to old 11+ ones.

Have a go; you can use pen and paper but not a calculator. The 15 minutes allowed is plenty so take your time, read the questions carefully and watch you don't hit the wrong key by mistake like I did.

It's actually just 14 of the 27 questions they were given, but if the following statistics are correct and you have young children, then it's probably time to panic.

Only 20% could convert a temperature in Centigrade to Fahrenheit, despite being given the formula that links them.

Less than 40% could work out what 2.1% of 400 was

One in three could correctly divide 1.4 by 0.1

If it is true that the kids are getting steadily better at Maths each year as the Government claims, then maybe they need to start helping their teachers a bit.

ps A recently qualified Primary school teacher has just emailed me to say that the average score on the test at her school was 226%

Six and Two Fours

Oh I also watched some of the Dispatches programme last week which basically said that your child has no chance of learning to do sums because their teacher probably can't even add up. The latest official Guru (why do these people always look a bit odd?) was on hand to wave his arms around and make learning fun.

What scared me was the attitude of the young Primary school teachers. They all shrugged their shoulders and came out with something along the lines of:

"I struggled with Maths at school because it wasn't taught very well and the teacher wasn't very nice to me etc..." Rather than:

"Yes I really must make an effort to learn how to do basic maths because err... I'm being paid to teach it"

It's always easier to be a victim than sit down with a book. I'm not saying that you need to be Isaac Newton to teach Primary school maths, but the results of the simple test at the end of this article are very worrying. No wonder ever increasing numbers of children start Secondary school without any grounding in the basics. I'd like to see what the results of a similar English test would be.

Still, I always feel that we concentrate too much on the negatives: rather than worrying about the 64% of teachers who can't do sums, let's celebrate the 46% who can.

Half Term

Sorry I haven't posted for a while, Mrs C and I have just come back from the Yorkshire Dales where we spent our days walking the hills and our evenings drinking Black Sheep Bitter plus watching some of the Winter Olympics.

The thing I like about them is that they stick to the basics. Most of the events are truly terrifying and they haven't adopted all the silly ones that plague the Summer Games. (Curling is a notable exception and we should hang our heads in shame for even sending a team)

Congratulations to Amy Williams for her Gold Medal in tray sliding and to Chemmy Alcott for 13th in the Downhill, on a course no sane person would attempt. Finally, here's American Bode Miller demonstrating what to do if your ski falls off

Lamb to the Slaughter

Headmistress Andrea Charman decided to teach her kids where their food comes from. They bought a lamb, the kids helped rear it and then sent it off to be made into chops.

That should have been the end of it, but unfortunately some of the local parents went mad and launched a campaign of hate using the networking site for Social Inadequates, Facebook. This obviously got to the poor woman and now she has resigned.

I still can't quite believe that the whole story isn't some elaborate hoax, but sadly it doesn't appear to be.

Result: Nutters 1 - Perfectly good Head 0

Ali Dizaei

Ali 'Crook in Uniform' Dizaei very clearly demonstrated the effects of a policy that promotes people because their ethnicity ticks the correct box rather than because they are the best person for the job.

A Government spokesman has today confirmed that they have no intention of learning from this episode and intend to repeat it as quickly as possible.

Come on then...

As you can see from this BBC article, we are in desperate need of more violence in schools, preferably carried out by ourselves.

The Association of Teachers and Lecturers, one of the 5764 teaching unions, has sensibly called for teachers to be trained in what they can and cannot do to restrain violent pupils. Unfortunately, I've been on one of these courses and it was an utter joke. We were even told not to resist when practising on each other because of the possible risk of injury.

Anyone who has studied judo for more than 5 minutes would realise two things:

Firstly, none of the locks we were shown would have worked with anyone who was not totally compliant. For some reason, violent people usually aren't.

Secondly, it takes an awful lot of practice to get them right without looking a complete idiot or hurting someone. A half day's course consisting mainly of blather about 'diffusing situations' does not turn you into a combination of Bruce Lee and Bill Clinton.

Not to worry though; the National Association of Head Teachers would prefer us to get a good kicking and the Department for Children, Schools and Families say that behaviour is much better now, so there's nothing to worry about.

Paid Links

Keen eyed readers will no doubt have noticed that the ten spaces for paid links on the right side of this blog are now full, so once somebody else comes along with a higher bid, then the site in tenth place will disappear.

On the other hand, maybe one of the current top ten might want to increase their donation in order to keep out of the relegation zone. Remember it's the total amount that counts, so I suppose that even a site which has fallen off the bottom could stage a comeback with a timely gift.

Who knows what will happen? I'm sure I'm not the only one who can barely sleep at night with all the excitement. Mrs C says that it's the most fun she's had since we started betting on the pictures behind the doors in last year's Advent Calender.

Olive

I'm not religious at all, but when I think of some of the utter buffoons that are happily doing Supply teaching up and down the country, it seems a bit mad to throw out poor Olive just because she offered to say a few prayers for a sick child and maybe went on a bit about miracles.


I wouldn't have sacked her even if she was practising voodoo, chanting incantations and throwing bones up into the air whilst dancing starkers around a fire. I'd only get rid of her if she was rubbish at teaching, was always off and couldn't make the kids behave. Oh sorry, that's a daft idea.

Anyway, she's been allowed back now

They say hard work never killed anyone but...

Whenever two or more teachers gather together, the talk invariably revolves around how much work they do, how late into the night they stay up planning things and how they slave away at weekends and during the holidays as well.

This is all very good if you are managing a hedge fund and looking to retire to Barbados by the time you are 29, but not really worth it when your salary is less than £30k.

It won't surprise you to learn that I never did very much work at all, as I had a wide range of interests outside school to devote my evenings, weekends and holidays to. It may surprise you that the exam results my pupils got were around average for my department. This was partly because I knew about my subject, partly because I knew what was important to pass exams and partly because the department was rubbish.

Most of the work that teachers do is a complete waste of time. Ticking boxes, target setting, elaborate schemes to follow the latest fad, whether it is differentiated learning, group mind mapping or whatever. None of it inspires the kids or helps them get a job. Get yourself an interesting hobby instead.

Working too hard and getting stressed simply isn't worth the effects to your health (and it also makes you a thoroughly boring person). Overdoing it and taking two weeks off sick every year is no better for the pupils than my approach of doing very little but turning up every day.

It is an old adage that nobody ever says on their deathbed "I wish I'd spent more time in the office!" Take this to heart, write it on your classroom wall and make it your aim this week to ignore at least one supposedly vital task that has been set by those above you. Use the time saved to do something you enjoy and if you do get pulled up about it, just say that you were too busy doing (insert fashionable phrase or buzzword) and look a bit flustered. Next time, try and persuade a few others to do the same.

(Remember, the Martyr Ethos that is so prevalent in teaching nowadays just helps you die earlier)

Hey Pesto!

Does anybody else think that there could be a market for shorter spaghetti?

Kudos, a small planet far, far away...

I've had a few emails recently asking why teaching doesn't have the kudos that other professions such as Accounting, Medicine or Law do.

At first I was puzzled, thinking that Kudos was the name of that new planet astronomers discovered a couple of years ago, but after a quick check in the dictionary I am now ready to try and answer.

Firstly it's because everyone knows how easy teaching is to get into. A couple of scraped A Level passes can get you onto a teaching degree and within 4 years you can be teaching a subject you know nothing about. Or if you did a degree and scraped a third, then no problem; just enroll on a one year PGCE course. (David Cameron permitting)

Many people go into teaching because they can't get into anything else, which obviously annoys those who had lots of options, but chose it above all the other possible careers.

The other reasons are; it's a job for life with virtually no chance of being sacked no matter how bad you are at it. Also, you aren't paid by how good you are at teaching, only by the number of years you have done it. (The only performance incentives are two salary threshold levels which are virtually automatic passes). It is therefore viewed as a career for those who are not particularly competitive. The poor conditions that many teachers work under, ie having to accept near constant levels of appalling behaviour and abuse from pupils also tend to work against us, encouraging the outsiders view of "Who on Earth would put up with that, unless they were desperate?"

Status is often judged by salary and teachers pay is lower than many other graduate professions (although the state contribution to our pensions make them worth far more than a private sector one and we shouldn't forget the 13 weeks holidays as opposed to 4). There is also the perception that teachers work far less hours and are always either off sick or taking time off for reasons which a business would clamp down on. Finally, you can dress like a scruff if you want to.

That's about it really. Frankly I couldn't care less about kudos- I just always made the most of the holidays and sent plenty of postcards to my accountant friends.

The Third Way

So David Cameron has announced that he doesn't want duffers with a third class degree going on to be teachers. Carol Vorderman (who headed their Maths Task Force) might have something to say about that, but then there is a world of difference between a third in Engineering from Cambridge thirty years ago and a third awarded this year in Cultural Drama Studies from Happy Valley ex Poly. (I didn't think they even gave out Thirds nowadays, I assumed that everybody was given a First in case they got upset)

Teaching of course is very socialisty, so there will be queues forming up to declare that degree grade is no indication of teaching ability. Now they may well have a point- think back to your own schooldays and remember the bearded teacher wearing a battered brown jacket with leather elbow patches, who no doubt mumbled lots of very clever things; but nobody heard them because he couldn't control the class. On the other hand, there is a real problem now at many schools especially in Science; with teachers who don't know much about the subject that they are supposed to be teaching.

Snow and Guns

Good to see Clive Hale, Head of Polegate School in East Sussex turning the 'Why do they always close the school when there's an inch of snow?' argument around by rightly knocking the parents who don't bother to send their kids in even when school does stay open.

On an unrelated topic; just a quick reminder to all those of you who regularly carry automatic weapons, not to post the photographs on the school website. (Or if you do, at least hold your stomach in and don't slouch.)

Panic, panic, panic

URGENT!

Drop whatever you are doing, rush out and buy 5 loaves of bread immediately.

Run for your lives

As mass panic sets in across Britain, the traditional debates have begun in earnest:

Do Heads just close their schools for a laugh?

Are teachers just lazy shysters who should be flogged in the street because they can't be bothered to go to work?

Why can't prisoners in chain gangs be made to clear the roads of snow with their bare hands whilst wearing a vest and shorts?

(Ok that last one was just my own idea)

Anyway this is a short post as I have to nip out to buy an axe.

Newsflash

I have sent Global Warming an ultimatum today. It has one more week to get its act together or it's out.

It is so cold that I have climbed into my oven to write this.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year to one and all! As I write these words, I can see one of those new Government posters warning me of the dangers of Global Warming...

Those of you who started back on Monday with an Inset day will no doubt have tales of new initiatives breathlessly described by one of the more naive members of the 'Management Team' (now renamed the 'Leadership Team' to avoid having 'Man' in it.) The award for the first new 3 letter acronym of 2010 goes to 'JulieM' with 'T.E.D.' although she was unable to remember what it stood for.

As it is snowing in many parts of the country, it's also traditional for the lazy staff to turn up late, as this is much easier than getting up earlier and of course carries no penalty.

The last minute winner of my award for 'Maddest Act of 2009' is Highlands Council, Scotland who decided to ban an outdoor activities trip because one of the children is disabled. This will achieve the twin aims of making her the most unpopular child in the school, as well as getting everybody fed up with disabled people. In short, mindless form fillers triumph again.

Anyway, why are there so many disabled parking spaces right at the front of B+Q car parks?

Christmas Hols

Whenever I take a photo, I usually seem to miss the intended subject or cut off their head. If I do manage to capture them in the shot then you can be sure that my thumb will also feature prominently. On rare occasions when all goes well with the composition, you can generally guarantee that the picture will be somehow washed out or blurred despite the miracles of modern autofocus and lighting. (I never even dare touch any of the buttons described as 'options' for fear that the camera will simply explode.)

Looking at this terrific picture from yesterday, you will immediately realise that I did not take it. (The other giveaway is that I am the runner on the right in the hideous yellow top with the legs of a spider) I can also confirm that it was exceedingly cold but stunningly beautiful.

I'd like to thank all readers of this blog for, well; reading this blog and taking the time and effort to comment on it. (The comments are usually wittier and wiser than the posts and after four years I still haven't had to remove a single one, which must say something about my readership)

Merry Christmas to all of you and very best wishes for the New Year.

Frank Chalk

Munir Hussain

Imagine if you returned home one night to find three masked men in your home, who then proceeded to tie up your wife and children, threaten them with a knife and beat you in front of them.

Tell me in all honesty that if the opportunity arose, you wouldn't kill them all without a second thought. I'm not a violent man by any stretch of the imagination, but I can say with absolute certainty that unlike Munir Hussain, I would not have shown any restraint whatsoever.

Why on Earth has this man received a two and a half year jail sentence, whilst so many real criminals are routinely let off? I don't care what the liberal elite might say, I'd have bought him a gun.

ps there is a Facebook group here which supports his release and their Government petition will appear on Thursday Dec 17th.

Winston Smith

If any of you would like to know what the wretches I taught get up to outside school, then have a read of Winston Smith's excellent blog. He works in a home for lazy bastards- sorry disadvantaged young adults and his bosses are as cretinous as mine were.

What should we do with these kids? Lots of people would say "Stick 'em in the Army!" except that the Armed Forces don't want to touch them with a barge pole. What they need is some role models- strong adults they can look up to, not run rings around. These adults need the power to enforce rules and show their charges exactly what they need to do to make themselves useful members of society and then make them do it. It's not rocket science.

What they get instead is... well read his blog.

Craig Hodges

All too often nowadays, we hear of people simply crossing the road and walking by when they witness a crime, so thank goodness one brave member of the public stood up and did the right thing, phoning Torbay Council to report lollipop wielding do-gooder Craig Hodges who, untrained, unsupervised and without even having attended a Diversity Course; had been blatantly assisting children to cross a busy main road opposite their school in Paignton, Devon. For goodness sake, if we don't nip this sort of Social Behaviour in the bud, then where will it end? Before we know it, young people will be picking up discarded cans and crisp packets and throwing them in litter bins without a second thought for the consequences.

Like all true heroes, the mystery caller did not wish to talk about his bravery and brushed aside any suggestion of a reward:

"I didn't have time to think of the danger to myself, the training took over and I just did what any of my colleagues would have done in that situation. I could tell straight away that he was up to no good; he had a friendly, pleasant manner and a yellow fluorescent jacket, which was later found to contain a CRB Check. He has shown no remorse for his actions whatsoever and the sooner he is put behind bars, the safer the people of Paignton will be"

The Council have denied that they are planning to take Mr Hodges' children away from him.

Parents Evening

The main problem I always found with parents evening was that the parents you really wanted to see never turned up. If pressed, they would always have some excuse which was usually incomprehensible "Sally weren't right and the bus didn't stop on the way back an' 'ow am I supposed to know... blah"

Another problem was that many teachers tried desperately to be positive about the pupil "Kaylee would work really well if we could just get her to stop texting the layabouts who hang around the school gates..." and only told the parent good things; so when they got to me, they were unprepared for the truth and simply wrote it off as the rantings of a madman.

Some schools even give the kids a day off and have 'Parents Day' for no obvious reason, other to presumably make it harder for parents with jobs to attend. Amazingly, at other schools; parents don't even get to see their child's teachers, they just listen to a report read to them by the form teacher; which is an utter waste of time. Surprisingly few parents complain- I'd hit the roof.

Most parents never really had much of a clue about what they wanted or why they were there, as this report suggests. The ones that were clued up always took me by surprise. Best of all is when you mix up a child with another one who has a similar name and tell the parents how well they are doing before realising they were expelled last month.

Mad, mad, mad

What has gone so wrong with our society that we allow this wretched woman, who stole £41 000; to get away scott free, just because she has blown the lot?

Under any sensible justice system, she would be working hard for the rest of her life to pay it back; first to her poor uncle and then after he croaks, towards the cost of a jail to stick her in.

Apparently 'scott' comes from 'scoet' which was Olde English for a tax

It's Your Time You're Wasting

As a special Christmas treat for any reader who, despite my constant advertising; hasn't got round to buying a copy of "It's Your Time You're Wasting", I have posted this link on the sidebar so that you can read a little bit of it and then hopefully buy the whole thing from Monday Books for £7.99 (free postage).

"It would make an ideal Christmas present either for yourself or for someone dear to you." Mrs. Chalk

Global Warming

After staggering back from the Newsagents yesterday, carrying the vast bulk of the Sunday Times under my arm and idly wondering whether anybody had ever managed to read a whole one; an article caught my eye about global warming. (I thought it was now called 'climate change'- why are things always being renamed? Did it offend someone?)

As I read the text and looked at the pictures, it dawned on me that maybe the reason many people are a bit sceptical about this topic is that those who write about it often don't make their case very clear. (I'm no expert myself)

For example the article claimed that rising levels of atmospheric Carbon dioxide causes global warming. There was no discussion of the possibility that it could be the other way round. (Maybe it can't be, but it would be worth knowing). Also, why did the accompanying temperature graph show drops from 1900 to 1910 and from 1940 to 1950, but the CO2 graph next to it showed rises during those periods? I'm not saying that there aren't simple explanation for these things, but if the Times can't be bothered to tell us what they are, then you can hardly blame readers for being a bit doubtful.

We are told that half a trillion tonnes of CO2 have been added to the atmosphere which sounds like an awful lot, until you realise that we haven't been told how much the atmosphere weighs. We then learn that temperatures have actually gone down between 1998 and 2007- and then that they haven't. I'm sure this must be important, but then there is no mention either of how the average temperature of the Earth is actually measured or how accurate it is (I haven't a clue)

I can't help but think that if I'm asking question like this whilst stuffing my face with toast and regretting my previous nights intake of real ale, then lots of other people must be asking more probing ones. Surely if we are faced with the possibility of mass human extinction then we deserve science articles in our papers that actually make sense.

Michael Barile

The case of former Dundee Maths Teacher Michael Barile has been dragging on for a couple of years. Reading between the lines, he appears to have manhandled a couple of highly unpleasant kids in his classroom and threatened them. There is no suggestion that he actually struck any of them.

He was sacked by the school, charged with assault and found guilty. His life has been completely ruined, his home has been attacked and his car vandalised. Now the judge has said that he shouldn't have been charged in the first place.

There are only two options for teachers nowadays:

1) You are a strict teacher who insists on good behaviour at all times in your classroom and demands that those pupils who refuse to behave are punished. In a good school this isn't too difficult. However if you adopt this approach in a bad school, you will eventually crack. (How many times can you cope with being told to "F*** Off!" by an obnoxious pupil who has got away with it time and time again because they know perfectly well that nobody higher up will want to get involved).

You then either lose it and whack the little wretch, get stressed and take it out on your family, or you give up and take the second option which is:

2) You are a nice teacher who turns a blind eye to what goes on in your classroom and always thinks the best of your pupils; blaming appalling behaviour on their 'difficult backgrounds' and 'challenges that they face' (or some other twaddle). This is a much easier path which is openly encouraged in many schools and on Teacher Training. It will not result in your appearance in court, but you will have to try not to think of the thousands of children who would have loved to learn something in your lessons but couldn't.

Sheffield Student Houses in Crookes

Well it's that time of year again, when students across the land start looking for houses for the next academic year. It seems to get earlier and earlier each year (I remember we didn't start looking until about Easter).

If you happen to be lucky enough to be studying at Sheffield University and would like to live in a nice house in Crookes, then contact this guy who comes highly recommended from a friend

Oxfam

My new sofa arrived yesterday, so Mrs C helped me load the old one onto Chalk Enterprises' van and I drove down to Oxfam, feeling a warm glow at the thought of doing my bit for those less fortunate than myself.

It took quite a while to work my way through the procession of gigantic 4*4 buses returning from the half mile school run and by the time I arrived, I had pretty much convinced myself that I would be greeted by a loud trumpet blast, before being escorted up a red carpet by a man in livery, with a dancing girl throwing rose petals down in front of me. All the staff would be lined up either side cheering, like I was Jordan.

It wasn't quite like this, but nevertheless I proudly marched up to the front desk and announced to the vaguely odd looking bloke that I had a nice sofa to donate which was clean, tasteful and compliant with all fire regulations. Could he possibly just help me carry it the ten feet from my van to the shop? I waited for him to embrace me with joy and invite passers by to come in and meet me, but instead he muttered into his feet:

"Sorry there's nobody here that can help you"
"Eh??"
"Staff can't carry things for customers"
"But it's there, ten feet away! I only need you to hold one end of a sofa. It's not heavy. I'm sure he could carry it" (pointing at a little African boy in a large poster on the wall)

A short, plump woman in a suit with a badge that said 'Manager' then arrived. I explained again that I just wanted to donate my sofa to the little boy in the poster and indicated my van parked outside. So near and yet so far.

Unimpressed with my attempt to end global povery, she proudly announced that: "Staff aren't insured for carrying things! What if they slipped and had an accident?"

An elderly customer then offered to help; gave the manager his walking stick and before she could tell him that staff couldn't look after customer's belongings, the sofa was in the shop. All feelings of satisfaction however, had unfortunately long departed, to be replaced by a deep frustration at the direction we seem to be going in.

It might just have been my imagination, but I could swear that as I drove off, the same little boy in the huge poster covering the whole shop window seemed to be sticking two fingers up at me.

Bede Academy

In Bede Academy they want to chuck out the hell raisers who allow their mothers to park incorrectly, whereas everywhere I've taught, you pretty much had to murder the headmaster before being asked to leave. (Then you appealed to the School Governors and were let back in with another final warning)

I reckon they would struggle over the legality of this punitive parking policy, but it's good publicity for them without a doubt. See if you can get your school to announce something similarly draconian; maybe a detention if your father is late submitting his tax return or an essay if granddad is seen watering his shallots during a hosepipe ban? Next time there is a parents evening, go out into the car park with a torch and check everybody's tax disc.

(I've cut down on the amount of capital letters I use in this blog after a couple of recent complaints. I you'd prefer some more, just say. I only want to please.)

Scotland's For Me!

According to a recent survey of Scottish teachers, everything I have said over the last four years about behaviour in schools is completely wrong. Scotland is obviously the land of milk and honey compared with England, so let's all get up there straight away. (Maybe)

School Phobia

A boy played truant from school. Following Government guidelines, the county council took his parents to court. They ended up being told to write a letter of apology to the family because the boy is apparently 'school phobic.'

I can't be the only one who finds myself increasingly divorced from modern society. Why are we going down this path which can only end when everybody has a medical condition of some kind to excuse their behaviour?

There are loads and loads of useful phobias. If a child doesn't want to get up in the morning, then they should claim to be Eosophobic. If they don't fancy sitting exams then a diagnosis of Testaphobia will do the trick. Don't want to come in during the Winter? Just be Cryophobic. (No need to be Chionophobic any more as every school seems to close as soon as the sky turns grey.) Hyelophobics can escape chemistry practicals and Papyrophobics must be provided with a Laptop Computer.

What on Earth is this lad going to do when he starts work? No doubt his employers will not be permitted to ask about his condition and will only discover it when he doesn't turn up.

Mind you, I can feel a bad case of Soceraphobia coming on over the festive season...

Science and Engineering

Science and Engineering have long suffered from the problem of being unfashionable and fairly difficult. They require some serious brain power rather than the ability to make a poster, take part in a non judgemental group workshop or just talk rubbish all day. Fewer and fewer bright students are taking these real subjects, so each year we drop further and further behind other countries. (Although we do have lots of Politics and Psychology graduates. Maybe they could design some offshore wind farms, space elevators or efficient solar panels for us?)

The Institute of Engineering and Technology are holding a series of competitions to try and get pupils to consider careers in Science and Engineering. Good luck to them as I don't think the Government are particularly interested. Have a look here

Queen's Speech

My advice to all teachers with half a brain is to get out now and retrain as a lawyer. The latest Government 'guarantees' announced in the Queen's Speech will surely open the floodgates for disgruntled parents to complain and sue their children's schools. (And let's be honest, many of them will have a good case) I reckon we also need about 4 million personal tutors immediately, if all the pupils who have 'fallen behind' are to be given one-to-one help; so there's another career choice for you. I can't help wondering if there will be enough teachers left?

But it's all very well promising lots of good things on the teachers' behalf, but what about the other side of this contract? Where is the guarantee that parents will be held responsible for their children? Will they be guaranteed to discipline their children and support the school when it does the same? Where is the guarantee that teachers will be able to teach without endless new initiatives and mindless tick boxing. When will we be able to stop endlessly dumbing down, giving out prizes for nothing and most important of all- when will we be able to get rid of violent nightmare pupils to secure units, preferably deep underground?

Feel free to add a few wills? and whens? of your own

Hsu-Shian Ming

Every age produces a genius who stands above their contemporaries. For example Newton, Einstein and Hsu-Shian Ming

TV

Watched the telly last night for a bit. Whoever said that the adverts are the best bit was clearly barking. I really am sick to death of Christmas; thank God its nearly over.

If moving sedately from side to side whilst waving some sort of game controller at the tv is our main weapon against the rise in obesity, then we really are stuffed.

Here's a puzzle someone told me over the weekend:

There are eight identical looking balls on the table in front of you along with a set of balance scales. (One of the balls is actually a bit heavier than all othe others) You don't get to touch any of them, you just tell me which balls to put on the scales. I will do two weighings and then you must tell me which is the heavier ball. (Each side of the balance scales is big enough to fit as many balls on it as you like)

Crime Scene

Note to all Heads. Next time a teacher comes into your office and says something along the lines of:

"I know, why don't we pretend to have been beaten up by robbers one morning next week to frighten the kids. I've got some fake blood from the joke shop and there's loads of bandages left in the first aid kit. Jim's got a mate who's a copper and they can come round, put up some of that stripey tape they use on the telly and pretend to investigate... it'll be a great laugh and we can call it 'Didactic Learning' or something daft! Go on, can we?"

It's probably best to say "No!"

Shoplifting

There is a pub in one of the more wretched areas of Downtown, where you will inevitably be approached and asked if "you would like anything?" What they really mean is: "Would you like anything that is on sale at the Co op round the corner?" They then send a young scrote out to steal to order and you pay half the retail price. Whether this includes 3 for 2 offers and suchlike, I have no idea. It's like hiring a personalised shopper only slightly cheaper.

Anyway, apparently the recession is fuelling shoplifting. I can't help but think that a society where nobody dares tells children that stealing is wrong; combined with a legal system that prevents any real punishment if you are caught, is probably fuelling it a bit more. That's just my view however and no doubt the Honourable Society of Shoplifters will be getting ready to sue me.

A Boy Named Sue

As someone who knows very little about libel law, I was a bit worried by this article a couple of weeks ago in the Times about bloggers being sued for libel. Apparently our laws give us much less right to free speech than, for example in America; so suing for libel here is becoming increasingly popular for those able to afford it. Apparently it costs a fortune to defend yourself against such a claim. Why they can't be dealt with by a magistrate in half an hour is beyond me.

The author Simon Singh is being sued by the British Chiropractic Association, who claim to be able to treat children for various ailments such as asthma and colic by manipulating their spines. He wrote in the Guardian that there is no evidence for this claim and they decided to try and silence him.

Other examples include the website Bad Psychics who apparently received a legal threat from some disgruntled psychic and took down their offending article. (If a psychic threatens to take you to court then no doubt they know what the outcome will be, so it's probably best to back down.)

The Society of Homeopaths took exception to Andy Lewis' Quackometer website which investigates dubious medical practices and threatened him with a libel suit, which seems to have had more effect than their medicines.

If everyone I have written unfavourably about decides to sue me, then the courts will grind to a halt and I will have to flee the country and live where the idea of free speech is more valued. I could perhaps set myself up as a magnet therapist, but I'd probably attract the wrong sort of people...

Eddy Nugent and The Map of Africa

If you enjoyed "Picking Up The Brass" by Eddy Nugent as much as I did (reviewed here), then you will love his sequel "The Map of Africa" where young Eddy is sent to cause chaos and mayhem, as he is posted first to the jungles of Belize and then Germany, to face the might of the Soviet Union with a few battered old Land Rovers. Unlike most sequels he doesn't run out of material halfway through and it's every bit as entertaining as his first book.

I'm not giving much away by confirming that there are no gruelling descriptions of SAS Selection or steely eyed killers moving silently through the darkness and Eddy is certainly not sent on any secret missions behind (or indeed anywhere near) enemy lines. He is to be found instead shirking, drinking and generally getting into trouble with his friends.

Basically you'll laugh a lot if you buy it. So do so this minute.

Creationism and Evolution

Whilst we're on the subject of Evolution, 60% of Brits apparently think that Creationism should be taught alongside Darwinian Evolution in Science Lessons.

From this we should conclude that 60% of the population are pretty dim. Creationism should certainly be discussed in lessons as it has excellent comedy value; but as for actually teaching it as a serious theory, I'd rather do Homeopathy, Crystal Healing and Fortune Telling.

Science is a strictly evidence based subject, not an opportunity to rote learn ancient myths.

They Don't Do They?

The Government appears to have finally discovered three years after I wrote about it in my book and about a decade after it became common knowledge; that believe it or not, some parents are actually prepared to tell lies in order to get their child into a decent school rather than just give in and send their child to an awful one. I'd love to know how much Dr Craig was paid to tell them something that many teachers and parents could have done for the cost of a second class stamp. Even better, he doesn't think that it should be made a crime, instead he wants to encourage councils to take parents to the civil courts. (Great advice when the only council that has attempted this had their case thrown out!)

My advice for what it's worth, remains to do whatever it takes to get your child into a good school.

It's simply a form of Darwinian evolution- parents who give a damn about their children take the trouble to do the research in order to find out how to fool the school if necessary. Those that don't, er... don't.

Eve Ritchie-Fallon

Headteacher Eve Ritchie-Fallon has become the latest person to be hung out to dry by the CPS following their policy of: "Believe any accusation made against someone in authority, no matter how ridiculous"

For a whole year this highly regarded woman; credited with turning around a failing institution, has been suspended from her job awaiting trial not for burglary, fraud or murder; but because a pupil alleged that she slapped him when he wouldn't stop smoking!

Never mind the fact that he was already at a special centre for nightmare children; had a history of bad behaviour, or that he had ADHD and would say the first thing that came into his head.

Mother was no doubt advised by her no win no fee solicitor that there was a good chance of some taxpayers money coming her way, and also that her dear son could do whatever he liked at the centre, as nobody would dare punish him whilst this complaint was being investigated.

I wouldn't have wanted the Head put on trial if she had run down the street waving the boys ear muffs (what sort of boy wears ear muffs?) whilst shouting "That'll learn him!". However despite being found innocent of all charges by the court, Hampshire Council are still suspending her whilst they carry out their own independant investigation! I wonder whether local Council Tax payers think this is a sensible way to spend their money?