I can't think of a 'Sun Style' Headline for this one.

Thanks to Adrian for this little gem. I wonder what else can be seen from low earth orbit...Physicists amongst you, get calculating.

I wonder if this will be controversial at all...

Boxing may be about to make a return in schools according to this article

My personal view is: Why should the teachers miss out on this?

Who hasn't wanted to beat the hell out of some cheeky parent who is happy to dole out abuse on the phone but might get their comeuppance in the Staffring?

I can just see it now. Mr Blunt is the compere:

"Ladies, Gentlemen and Parents! Welcome to a packed staffroom tonight. In the near corner we've got Mr. Chalk, looking wiry and nimble in those fetching red trunks...(cheers)

His opponent in the far corner; the alleged father of Wayne Scroggins! (Boos) He looks like he's put in plenty of training at the Dog and Partridge."

Seconds away, Round One! Ding-a-ling-a-ling..."

What Head of Department hasn't wanted five minutes in the ring with some whining, useless teacher who is forever pestering them with complaints about Kyle and Shane, but never does anything to help themselves?

Wouldn't you like to let that Supply Teacher know that actually a vague 'sorry' and a shrug of the shoulders before leaving promptly at three pm really wasn't good enough, when they'd left your classroom looking like a Council Refuse Tip and allowed the brats to steal half your equipment?

Boxing in Schools? Bring it on! (But only for the over 18s)

Shocking Behaviour

Tell your pupils not to do this especially if they live in the US where the Police don't muck about.

Homework

Here's an article questioning whether young children should be given homework.

Before I went to Secondary School, I never received a scrap of homework. I do remember lots of playing games and having a thoroughly good time. If I'd had homework every night at that age, I'm quite sure that it would have put me off school completely.

I'm fairly sure that by the time we left at age 11, every child in my class could read, write and do their tables. Maybe the difference was that when the teacher told us that we had to sit down, listen in silence and learn something, we actually did have to sit down, listen in silence and learn something.

Those that can... buy.

There are two routes to becoming a Headteacher.

1) Train as a teacher and enthusiastically adopt every policy dreamt up by those above you; no matter how insane. Fill out every form that comes your way and nod your head frequently during Staff Meetings. Work your way up to Head of Department, keep crawling and agreeing with the SMT, go on endless useless courses and above all, do not stick your neck out supporting anyone with silly old fashioned ideas such as making pupils behave themselves.

Now apply for Deputy Head and be extra vigilant in not supporting anyone below you no matter what. Pepper your speech with the buzzwords of the day and dream up as many ludicrous ideas as you can. Do not rock the boat, upset any parents or accidently expel anyone. Just keep agreeing with the Head and finally apply for position of Headteacher. Bingo!

2) Buy the school

Don't copy this idea.

Just in case any of you were planning on stuffing a child's head into the photocopier today...

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/01/26/nhead26.xml

Your comments are of course welcome...

Yes many teenagers are in fact, lazy

Confirmation of Chalk's Fifth Law of Teaching:

"Never, ever listen to anything an 'Academic' says"

http://www.tes.co.uk/2327207

Teenagers went to work early in the morning on time for millenia. Whether it was to work down the mines, milk cows, or carry a bag of flint spear heads for Ug.

This was simply because they were punished if they were late. Now that we seem to regard any form of punishment as barbaric, kids turn up when they feel like it. The well known philosopher, Shane Scroggins summed this up neatly in his declaration:

"You can't make me do nuthin' you say!"

If you are an academic however, dream up some pseudo scientific explanation tailored to make a good headline for the ever more gullible. No doubt schools will fall over themselves to pander to this latest thinking.

'Mrs Poppleton vs The Kids' Round 2, Seconds away!

Well at least the kids have got the apostrophe on their banner in the right place, which puts them above 90% of the population. (including me, as certain readers have noted.) Maybe their English teacher wasn't on supply.

The parents claim that Mrs Poppleton doesn't listen to them or the kids. That gets her some credit in my view.

The kids claim that 72% of lessons are taken by Supply Teachers. (Mind you if they can do percentages maybe the Maths teacher is regular as well.)

Everybody claims that the argument is nothing to do with body piercings.

By the way, if you have any contact with this school can you drop me an email at the address on the right sidebar. Thanks

Supplies, supplies!

Kids at this school are protesting about having too many Supply Teachers. As an ex supply teacher myself, I don't blame them one bit. The school has apparently chucked them out for a fortnight. A Fortnight! They'd have got less for kidnapping the Head.

I reckon that this story will turn out to have more twists than a Mount Everest helter-skelter

Amo, amas, amat, whack!

My memories of Latin consist of translating sentences along the lines of "The sailors are chasing the girls into the woods whilst the freed slave rejoices!"

When we were not doing this, we were being beaten; as Latin teachers were traditionally very strict.

Anyway, to the point. Latin and Greek are disappearing from schools faster than those sailors above. Last year there were only 864 Classics students starting at University. (As opposed to about 3.5 million doing Media Studies)

Is this another example of the ongoing decline in our Country or should we be glad to see the back of such outdated, archaic stuff?

Talking of Classics- have a look at Rate My Turban

Load of old Niqabs

Quick summary of this one:

1) Dad spots opportunity to cause trouble at the public expense.

2) The Legal profession rubs its hands with glee.

Hair today, gone tomorrow.

Hoorah for the legal money spinner that allows this appeal at the taxpayers' expense.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/bradford/6282459.stm

It's not Big and It's Certainly not Clever...

Education Minister Alan Johnson announced today that schools need to do more to tackle the sort of behaviour shown on the 'Big Brother' Show.

Author and General Troublemaker, Frank Chalk announced today that schools need to do more to encourage children to develop hobbies and interests rather than sit mindlessly gawping at a bunch of 'Halfwits in a House'.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/education/6283833.stm

The Unions

Here's a confession that will enrage many a teacher:

"In 14 years of teaching I never joined a Union"

I never saw any evidence in all that time to convince me that the motley collection of Teaching Unions (I can't even remember how many there are now; at least five) were not completely useless. The Government knows full well that the teachers do not speak with a united voice and takes full advantage of this, for example when the GTC was introduced.

I generally kept quiet about my non membership as I got bored of hearing teachers repeating the stuff they'd heard from other people, such as:

"What would happen if you ever had to go to Court if a pupil accused you of hitting them?"

The answer to this is that I would be quite happy to defend myself. (I've been to Court twice before and it's not exactly rocket science. I'm perfectly capable of saying; "I didn't hit Wayne") Alternatively I'd simply get a solicitor free on legal aid so long as I earned less than about £28000 per year. (Check for yourself here).

I think I'd rather be represented by Cherie Blair than take my chances with some solicitor reduced to a job with a teaching Union.

The other oft repeated line is:

"You're getting the advantages of all that the Unions have achieved for us"

To which my genuinely perplexed answer is: "Such as? I work in a dirty classroom without proper heating or ventilation. I get sworn at and threatened by pupils or parents every day and I have to pay £35 per year to the GTC etc etc."

On several occasions during what can laughably be referred to as my career, colleagues announced that they would no longer teach a pupil. This was usually when the pupil had behaved terribly for months on end, the teacher had done all they could and there was no backup from SMT. I was always willing to support them by refusing to take the brat either. Simple direct action like this always works and can help unite a department.

At the end of the day a Union is little more than the sum of it's members. If they aren't prepared to strike or take drastic action then their Union can't do much. Look at other Unions such as ASLEF, whose members fight tooth and nail. (Often for completely hopeless cases, but compare a train drivers pay with your own.)

If we had a single Union representing all teachers, that was prepared to strike over pay, discipline problems, SMT uselessness etc then I would have joined it like a shot but I certainly wasn't prepared to waste my hard earned money on a lame duck

Three

Three quick bits as I'm in a rush today, due to my own bad planning:

1) We've already discussed plans to keep pupils in Education of some sort until they are 18. My own viewpoint is that it could be a great idea if it was done properly, but almost certainly won't be; so will fail miserably and be abandoned.

2) It takes a brave man to publicly criticize your own son after he has been killed, and Mr Elgar; father of the 'graffiti artist' (ie mindless vandal) killed by a train, deserves our admiration.

Many other parents who try to defend the worst actions of their offspring could learn a lot from him.

3) Ruth Kelly sending her kid to an expensive public school rather than the local one and coming out with some stuff about 'Special Needs'. Why couldn't she just have been honest and said:

"The State Schools might be good enough for your brats, but not for my child."

Big Brother

The recent case of alleged bullying in the Temple of Foolishness gives me an excuse to remind you of Chalk's First Law of Recruitment:

Start by asking the prospective employee who their favourite 'Big Brother' contestant is.

If they can give you an answer, say: "Thanks, that'll be all for now and we''ll phone you if we need to see you again. Goodbye!"

NASUWT

Three cheers for Mary Lewis, Head of Lammack Primary School, Blackburn who has asked parents not to chew gum on the school premises. She claims that it is a litter issue, but I suspect the litter she has in mind is in the form of gormless halfwits mooching aimlessly around with their jaws opening and closing as they try to remember the name of their offspring.

Read the story here

The teaching Union NASUWT described the move as 'heavy handed', (ie she actually did something, rather than just talk about it)

I always knew it was true...

Here's a link for all you Science Teachers out there, who want to get up to speed on a topic which will be appearing on the new GCSE syllabus next year.

http://www.theflatearthsociety.org/

The News

Next time you're thinking of applying for a job in Glasgow, former City of Culture:

http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/tm_headline=text-row-pupil-puts-teacher-in-hospital-&method=full&objectid=18451533&siteid=66633-name_page.html


Meanwhile in pleasant Wiltshire:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uklatest/story/0,,-6339030,00.html

However to cheer us up, here's a heartwarming tale from the US where punctuality is still seen as important. This mother did not want her daughter to be late for an important fight, so she drove her to the venue and stayed to provide moral and physical support.

http://news.bostonherald.com/localRegional/view.bg?articleid=176585

Turn off the TV and learn the Tea Ceremony

If 76% of those idle enough to be bothered to stop and answer a questionnaire wanted schools to select kids by their academic ability then 100% of those in possession of a full deck of cards would support it.

Whilst Ministers dither endlessly, one Japanese school is leading the way. Get practicing now.

http://mangalorean.com/news.php?newsid=37981&newstype=local

Don't do it.

Just in case any of you were thinking of doing some painting with your bottoms, read this story first.

Boys Will Not Be Boys

My memories of school involve play fighting pretty much on a daily basis. Boys have a natural desire to wrestle at the slightest opportunity and we did so enthusiastically. It rarely escalated into full blown punch ups so no harm was done and everyone learned the pecking order from an early age, which is a useful thing to know. (Everyone also learned how to repair their School Uniform as well)

If spotted by a teacher the general punishment varied from a quick reprimand, a clip round the ear, lines or a detention. ie it was not taken all that seriously.

Nowadays however, two boys fighting is treated with the seriousness of a major diplomatic incident. Parents are involved, the boys could possibly be excluded for a few days and there will be much hand wringing about violence and bullying. Everyone will be taken to hospital for a CAT scan and counseling will be offered. Questionnaires can be filled in to demonstrate that everyone was being bullied by someone else and if anyone involved is not white then we can all get excited about racism too.

Now let's look at another crime. If, in the dim and distant past when I was at school, you were foolish enough to answer back to a teacher then you would be slippered or caned. (or just summoned to the equipment room and given a swift punch in the guts.) If you had been foolish enough to swear directly at a teacher (which I can't actually remember happening), then you would undoubtedly have been hung from the school gates as an example to others, possibly after being disembowelled by the Head of PE with a javelin.

Nowadays, if you want to answer back to a teacher or shout at them, go right ahead. Nothing much will happen. Even if you swear at one, it will often be ignored. Feel free, children; to push and shove them as much as you like. As long as you pretend that it was an accident, it will usually be brushed under the table. Failing that, just claim that the teacher pushed you first and they will back down. In the unlikely event that this still doesn't work, bring in one of the gormless adults sitting in front of the TV at home to claim that "you never tell lies, no not never" preferably accompanied by the 'No win- No fee' solicitor from their last pavement tripping claim.

The conclusions I draw from all this are:

1) Boys are no longer allowed to do 'boy like things'

2) Although there is much twaddle spoken about needing to improve pupils self esteem (which is generally far too high already) it's often the teachers who have lost their self confidence.

Why?

Something that I have always wondered since I started teaching, and have never heard a convincing answer to, is the question:

"Why do kids automatically move up to the next class each year?"

ie. Why does Shane leave Primary School when he cannot read three words of English? Primary Schools are full of people who can teach kids to read, Secondary Schools are not. There is absolutely no point in him moving up until he has been taught to read, write and do simple sums.

Most of the kids who came to us at the age of 11 unable to read, left at 16 (or earlier in many cases because they simply couldn't understand what was going on in the lessons) still unable to read after 12 years of full time education. If that's not a massive failure of the Education System, then I don't know what is.

All the answers I ever heard involved 'self esteem', 'peer group continuity' 'human rights' or some other rubbish. If anybody has a sensible answer, please let me know.

The Gilbert Review

Although it sounds like a cartoon, this is actually a report which the Government commissioned and Alan Johnson will be listening to:

Its central recommendation is 'Personalised Learning' which we looked at in the last posts. Here are the others, with my own flippant comments.

1) All schools should set out how they are making personalised learning a reality. Personalised Learning doesn't sound very realistic in a class of 30 to me.

2) Feedback from pupils should be used to design lessons. Can you imagine this? "Today we shall be using the medium of football to teach quadratic equations..."

3) Parents should get more information, such as lesson plans on the internet. Why?

4) Teacher training should be revised, outstanding teachers might have sabbaticals to enhance their skills. Teacher Training should most certainly be revised and they should stop taking the hopeless cases. I like the sound of sabbaticals too (like in Australia) but do you get paid whilst you're away? (In which case would anyone come back?)

5) A group should be set up to distinguish effective innovation in teaching from "fads and fashions" Presumably to make sure that only the fads and fashions are adopted.

6) Pupils not progressing as expected should be entitled to extra support, such as one-to-one tuition, in or out of school. Sounds great and I shall be only too pleased to provide this at £35 per hour.

How much did they pay for this report?

More Personalised Whatsit

In case you still don't understand what this all important 'Personalised Learning' means, here is the official definition:

"Put simply, personalised learning and teaching means taking a highly structured and responsive approach to each child's and young person's learning, in order that all are able to progress achieve and participate."

There, hopefully it is all clear now.

Personalised Learning

I've just had a good telling off by Mrs. C for rolling around on the floor hooting with laughter and frightening Humphrey the dog whilst watching the Six O' Clock News item on this topic. It featured a guitar strumming wannabe boyband member explaining how he learns best when things are put in a musical context...

I'm still daft enough to believe that Education has something to do with preparing kids for life in the Real World. Do any of these idiots seriously imagine that when Tarquin goes to work at Sproggins and Son Components, they are going to listen to his request to have the 'Training Manual for New Employees' shouted in Rap Lyrics? Or perhaps he would prefer to learn it via a kinesthetic method, with the Board of Directors presenting the Guidelines in a Dance format?

No, funnily enough he will be told to read the manual just like everybody else.

I am going to write to my bank manager tomorrow, informing him that I have decided that I too prefer to absorb information when it is presented to me in a musical context. Bearing this in mind; next time my Business Account is overdrawn, could he arrange for a trained operatic vocalist to inform me by way of Medieval chanting, accompanied by an orchestra of Lute Players?

Educational Experts

Thanks to David for this one:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/edinburgh_and_east/6230181.stm

If I was a Professor of say Nuclear Physics or Analytical Chemistry; conducting ground breaking research into extremely difficult subjects which require a huge brain to understand, I would be a bit hacked off to discover that you can be a Professor of Inclusion.

Professor Sheila Riddell must presumably be an expert in preventing schools from chucking out Wayne, Dwayne and Chavney after they have commited every crime known to Man and made the teachers' lives a misery for years on end.

I can imagine it must be pretty highbrow stuff...

Selection

http://today.reuters.co.uk/news/articlenews.aspx?type=UKNews1&storyID=2007-01-03T034508Z_01_L02499501_RTRUKOC_0_UK-BRITAIN-EDUCATION.xml&WTmodLoc=HP-C1-TopStories-6

Ignoring the fact that 76% of the UK population probably believe in fairies, I'm completely in favour of schools selecting children by academic ability. I went to a Comprehensive and sat between Ashley and Einstein. Einstein got a 'C' when he could have got an 'A' in a better school and Ashley was made to read French when he could barely read English. If there had been someone to teach him car mechanics, building skills or plumbing, then maybe he wouldn't have dropped out to sniff glue.

If we look at both ends of the spectrum, we see that the Comprehensive System cannot cope.

In 1970 a bright but poor kid could pass the 11+ and had a higher chance than they do nowadays of achieving the Holy Grail of Learning- a place at Oxford or Cambridge University. In fact both institutions recently admitted that virtually all their State intake is now from just 165 schools (mainly Grammars) that can teach to the standard required.

At the other end of the scale, the completely non academic pupil is bored senseless by five years of stuff that is totally incomprehensible to them and which they will never, ever need. Funnily enough, they constantly misbehave and we breathe a sigh of relief when they leave at sixteen, unable to read, write or do simple sums.

So we ruin the chances of both the top and bottom of the academic ability range, even though they take up most of our time; to the detriment of those in the middle who just keep quiet and struggle on.

There are four types of teacher.

1) The very academic who could teach ‘A’ Level (and the old ‘S’ Level) without any difficulty.

2) The less academic who are very good with the naughty kids.

3) Those who can do (1) and (2) (rare, valuable but unrewarded)

4) Those who can do neither and should be sacked.(2% my estimate)

Just as we can hardly expect to find many of (2) or (4) teaching at Eton, neither can we expect to find many of (1) at your Inner City Hellhole Comprehensive, which is a bit of a blow if you happen to be the poor but exceptionally bright kid who needs them most.

We should admit that the present system has been a disaster and go back to selecting kids at 11 by academic ability. Use an exam or trust what their teachers think. That way every child could get the education that is best for them, rather than the 'one size fits all' mess that we have now.

No wonder everyone who can afford it (along with many who probably can't) pays for their kids to go to Private School.

Happy New Year

A happy New Year to all readers, but not to this brat:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/education/6226223.stm

ps If anyone went skiing in Colorado or the Canadian Rockies over Xmas, please do not write in and tell me how good the conditions were.

Sleighbells in the warm grass...

A Merry Christmas to you all. I'm off skiing until the 30th. (Although given the current state of the Alps we might well be fishing, playing tennis or walking through flower covered meadows)

Anyway, best wishes for the New Year too and may 2007 bring you all lots of laughs and good times.

Rest assured that I shall, on principle boycott any Snowman (whoops, Snowperson) building competition on the grounds that all the entrants are white.

My new hero

From our South Korean correspondant:

http://times.hankooki.com/lpage/nation/200612/kt2006122020202011990.htm

And the hand wringers think I'm harsh on the kids...

My new vocation

I definitely (sorry Lilly) fancy turning to a life of crime, especially if I can end up in front of Judge Chalk (No relation) who was referred to a couple of posts back.

Here, in his wisdom, he has given a lady who stole £5000 a fine of £500, some Community Service (which nobody ever does) and a suspended sentence. Who says crime doesn't pay?

'avin a fag.

I hate smoking but I rolled around laughing at the sheer cheek of this daft bat

Her comment of "I am not encouraging children to smoke" is sheer brilliance and I would immediately promote her to a School Management position.

This should teach them a lesson

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/manchester/6188241.stm

Chief Inspector Wringer is known for his vocal support of controversial hardline policies such as making violent prisoners serve the first week of their sentence without full access to the internet and occasionally only providing second class stamps for them to write home with. In 2004 he was once again at the centre of a dispute when he refused to donate a Harrods Christmas hamper to everyone on a life sentence.

"Marks and Spencers 'Finest' range are quite good enough for them" He is reported to have said.

He spoke to Chalk News today:

"These tough new Christmas Card policies won't go down well with everybody, but we believe that murderers, drug barons and thieves love their fellow man just as much as you and I; well maybe not the murderers... but the others certainly do."

He declined to comment on allegations that some detainees in his station's holding cells had been forced to go without Hungarian goose down pillows.

I'd have hung him....

Gerald Chalk is no relation to me I can assure you. It's good to see that strong judges like this one send a clear message to the young offender. In fact pretty much the same one we give them in school:

"Do that again Sonny and nothing much will happen to you"

That should teach him a lesson.

Nutcase kids... They're everywhere.

Thanks to our correspondent in Sydney for this

It's good to see that our Antipodean colleagues have as many problems as we do. I can only hope that he enjoys his 'multicultural sensitivities' course as much as I did.

No More Games...

Have just opened the door for 12 Dec and found...

A Walking Stick!

That's it. This calendar is even more bizarre than that Japanese one we got a few years back. I'm declaring Mossy the winner and bah humbug to Christmas.

Hoorah for The GTCE

I've finally received a reply from the GTCE. Here's my initial email:

Hi, my name is Frank Chalk and I do a Teaching blog at http://frankchalk.blogspot.com.

I've recently submitted a petition to No. 10 in order to try and improve standards of discipline in schools. I taught for ten years so I saw exactly how bad things have become and now I'm trying to do something about it. Could you publicise this petition on your website please? (I tried sending this to 'General Enquiries' but no luck)
Many thanks
Frank Chalk
frankchalk@hotmail.co.uk

And the reply:

Dear Mr Chalk

I have made further enquiries concerning your petition and your request to place it on the GTC website.

We would not be able to promote your petition without first seeking the views of our Council. I am happy to draw it to their attention if you wish me to, but it is only fair to say that there are limitations on the ability of the GTC to support external campaigns.

This is not to deny the seriousness of the issue, but the GTC’s remit is to offer advice to the Secretary of State based on evidence, both from formal research and from the experience of practising teachers.

For example, pupil behaviour was third highest in the list of problems identified by teachers responding to our 2005 survey, representing 16 per cent of respondents. As you will be aware, it is also high on the list of concerns for newly qualified teachers. In response to this feedback, our Engage network, which is an online community for newly qualified and early career teachers, is working on the issue of behaviour for learning. Some of our Research of the Month features have tackled the issue too. Both Engage and Research of the Month can be accessed through our web site:
http://www.gtce.org.uk

Regards
David Brooks Web Editor


If you feel in any way dissatisfied by the attitude of the GTCE, then do not hesitate to email them at david.brooks@gtce.org.uk

Oh and don't forget to pay your subscriptions on time. They are working hard for you.

A Christmas Message from St. Thickchilds

Dear Parent/Guardian/Window licking Inbred,

Just to remind you that this year we break up on Friday 15th December for the Christmas holiday. After this time we have no desire to see or hear from your charmless offspring until Tuesday January 2nd. The caretaker has asked me to remind you that your foul mouthed child should be kept away from the school grounds during this time. (He would like to know why this is so difficult when you seem to be able to manage it perfectly well during the term)

Before my telephone starts ringing to herald an earful of your witless prattle, I am well aware that the 15th is quite early to begin celebrating Christmas, but since you have had your awful glowing Santas up since mid October, you have no cause to complain. Frankly we are all heartily sick of your child demanding to be entertained with traditional Christmas activities (Mindless scribbling whilst watching violent DVDs) in lessons, rather than attempting what they laughingly refer to as ‘work.’

Many thanks to those of you who attended the Carol Concert last week. If any reader should know the current whereabouts of the computer and printer which disappeared from my office on that same night, perhaps you would be good enough to inform me. If the parent who decided to spraypaint ‘Mr. Morris is a qweer’ on the wall would like to get in touch, we do have a few school dictionaries left.

The Prize draw in last months ‘Quarterwit’ (a lever to open a car lock, should you have ‘lost’ the key) was won by Ryan, formerly of Year 11; now unfortunately behind bars. We will therefore hold the draw again next month.

Congratulations to Tamsin Sprouthead who has successfully completed her first term at Downtown University, where she is pursuing a Degree in Celebrity Studies. We also offer commiserations to Chavney whose Lottery winning parents bought her a swimming pool to celebrate her GCSE success (in Drama) only to have it filled in by the Council due to an unfortunate lack of planning permission.

Finally, let us not forget as you go about your alcohol fuelled mayhem; that Christmas is a time for giving as well as receiving. By this I do not mean that you should give a mouthful of foul abuse to the telephone receptionist when you receive your benefit cheque a day late; but rather… oh never mind.


Yours Faithfully
Mr Morris
Headteacher

Dec 9th

And what do we have behind the door?...
A Christmas Tree!

Mossy from Wakefield now has three points.

Thanks to Mr Hood http://mrhood.co.uk/tite/?p=33 for mentioning our petition on his blog.

I've emailed the TES editor to ask if they will help. Still waiting for the GTCE to make up their mind. (How did we ever manage without them?)

Dec 8th

I opened today's door and saw...

2 Christmas stockings, so no winners I'm afraid. Mossy keeps his lead.

We're now up to 200 signings on the petition. Hurrah! Keep spreading the word.

I'm thinking of running for Parliament on a 'Hang a Hoodie' manifesto.

Dec 7th Result

Dec 7th Result: 3 Candles!

'Mossy from Wakefield' moves into the lead with a total of two points.

The GTCE are still trying to decide whether to help the petition or not.

Thanks to PC. Bloggs for the petition link on her blog

Sorry I've not been doing more engaging posts for a while but I have been rather busy.

Dec 6th

Rate My Teachers http://www.ratemyteachers.co.uk/ have emailed me to say that they have put up a link to the petition, a discussion on their forum and wish us the very best of luck. The GTCE have emailed me back to say that they are considering what to do.

Today's result: two carrots (pesumably for the reindeer). A tricky one so no winners today.

172 signatures

Dec 5th Result

Dec 5th Result: a fairy on top of a tree.

Mossy from Wakefield, you are a winner!

Still no reply from GTCE re. petition, but thanks to the 158 of you that have signed so far.

Dec 5th

Received an email back from the GTCE and guess what they said?

"We are not able to respond to you on any specific queries sent to this inbox"

Well silly me, sending it to 'General Enquiries'

Will try again using another one. Maybe the 'Late Subscriptions Payment' address might get more notice.

The GTCE: "Serving Teachers"

Dec 4th

A Christmas Pudding! Well done Ivy, one point to you.

Thanks to Lilyofthefield for suggesting we contact the GTCE about the petition. I've emailed them. (I was about to put up a post absolutely slating them but perhaps I'd better postpone it for now...)

Any more good ideas are of course, welcome.

Oh thanks to 'Anonymous' who sorted out a banner which can be pasted on to blogs. I'm so daft I deleted the message, thinking it was just an advert for another device to increase the size of my whatsit. (The blog is getting bombarded with these at the moment)

Here's the link.

http://www.davidforward.co.uk/index.php#fcp

126 signatures so far.

The following bloggers have put up a link to our petition:
Stan Still http://yornicked.blogspot.com/index.html

Spread the word...

I've now got a link to the petition on the right hand side of my page under the book adverts. Here's the code for it.

http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/frankchalk3/

Feel free to send it to anyone who does a blog, or webpage or has the ear of Tony Blair. Try the newspapers or the TES (not sure how much they like me though)

I've also emailed the Ratemyteachers site suggesting that they might improve their image by putting a link up. You never know, they might go for it. (Thanks for that suggestion, 'Whacko')

There's been some debate about the wording of the petition. To be honest, I don't really think it's that important. My aim is simply to draw attention to the scale of the discipline problems we face in State Schools (of which the Government is in denial and the public are largely unaware.) We can worry about the details later.

This isn't a staff meeting so let's not endlessly debate. Let's just get on with it and do what we can.

ps. A robin on the calendar today! One point to HPB.

Dec 2nd Result

Dec 2nd Result: A Turkey (No winners)

The BBC reported today that shops up and down the Country were selling out of Advent calendars as shrewd shoppers attempted to track down Mr Chalk's. Till worker Debbie from Koshushko's Department store, Downtown spoke to our reporter after a hectic day:

"People were just buying the calendars, ripping them open and throwing them away when they saw what was behind the first door"

A plea to all readers: don't let the excitement go to your heads. Don't do anything irresponsible that you might regret in the future. Remember, it's only a game.

ps 62 signatures on our petition in the first 24 hours

Dec 2

39 signatures so far on the petition. Isolated incidents of rioting in towns and cities across the UK last night as disappointed Advent Guessers vented their frustrations.

I'm going for a Snowman (sorry Snowperson) today. Results out around six pm

Dec 1 Result

Dec 1 Result:

A sprig of Holly.

One point to El Tel, but it's still early days and there's everything to play for!

ps My petition has been approved! Click on the link here and sign it. Then get everybody you know, to do the same. If anyone knows anybody in the media then see what they can do to publicise it further.

Let's show the useless gits in charge of education what we think of them and maybe, just maybe something will happen.

The Advent Calendar Game

For several weeks now, Mrs. Chalk and I have been keenly looking forward to the start of the hedonistic frenzy that we indulge in at this time of year. It is a simple game, but it gives us much pleasure (amid the odd accusation of cheating and occasional furious argument) and this year we would like to invite readers to join in the fun.

It's called "Who's behind the door?" and consists of trying to guess what lies behind today's door on our Advent calendar.

The calendar is opened each weekday on Mrs Chalk's return from work, by which time the atmosphere in Chalk Mansions has reached fever pitch.

Feel free to enter your guess each day in the comments box. The person with the most correct answers will receive a prize. Only one guess per player is allowed.

Tips: the calendar is randomly sourced each year by Mrs Chalk's mother. You tend to get a feel for its style after a few goes. Some have more of a religious theme than others. We still reminisce about the Japanese one of 2003.

Remember, you can't win if you're not in! Enter your guess for Dec 1st now.

Ventriloquism for Dummies

A spokesman for the National Union of Ventriloquists announced today that performers will no longer refer to their work partners as ' dummies' in order to avoid any possibility of causing them offence.

From now on they will be known as 'People of Wood'

ps I'm still waiting for my petition to be reconsidered.
pps This new lot of spammers seem really bizarre. They tend to blitz me, then stop after a few days. I'll remove the ones I can find.

Steve Pope Properties, Sheffield

Steve Pope is the best Sheffield Landlord that we have encountered, Friendly, efficient and easy to deal with. He rents quality houses in Crookes, Sheffield to students from the University. He is one of the few landlords recommended by the University Housing department.

Click on the link to view his properties. You will not be disappointed

Steve Pope Properties

Rejected!

My petition was rejected because I included my blog address in the bit where it asked for more background details.

However I have resubmitted it with the offending item removed and will let you know if it gets past the censors.

I'm beginning to understand how Guy Fawkes felt...

It's Christmas!

Whilst we wait with bated breath for my petition to appear, I would like to offer a small prize to whoever reports the first 'Christmas themed' lesson.

Decorations have been up for some time now in the slums and early sightings have confirmed that they will exceed all previous records in bad taste, so we need to get in on the action quickly.

Petition (2)

Thanks for your comments, I'll go with Peter's version:

'To publicly acknowledge that there is a massive discipline problem in many State Schools and to give teachers and Headteachers the necessary powers to enforce discipline and to deal effectively with problem pupils and their parents.'

I'll try and get this on the petition site today. As several posters have pointed out, there's no guarantee that anybody will take the slightest notice of our efforts. However this is never an excuse for inaction so let's just do it anyway.

'Anonymous' came a close second with a proposal to make naughty children into dog food.

Stop Press: After sending off my petition and not receiving the necessary confirmation email (No idea why you should need one) I've just read the bit on the side of the site which explains that it doesn't work with Hotmail. My petition has now vanished off their site. This sums up the Government far better than my petition did.

Will try to set up a new email address later when my temper cools.

Stop Press 2: Have sent off petition again and it is 'awaiting approval'

Will let you know when we can all go and sign it

Petition

For centuries people have handed petitions to our Government with varying degrees of success. Now a website has been set up here and I suggest that we make the most of it.

What is the single most important improvement that you would like in the State Education System?

Mine would be to improve discipline in schools. Sort that out and everything else neatly follows in my opinion. In fact this is the petition I propose:

'To publicly acknowledge that there is a massive discipline problem in many State Schools and to give teachers and Headteachers the necessary powers to deal with problem pupils and their parents.'

Now let's hear what you the readers think and between us we will put one together over the next few days. Let's keep it short and simple, then we try to get as mant people to sign it (via the website) as possible.

I can't promise that we will have any success, but I can guarantee that we won't if we do not try to do something. Education in many State Schools is nothing more than a joke and we certainly owe it to the kids to try to force an improvement.

So let's have your suggestions...

Coursework

If we accept that the main purpose of Education is to prepare children for later life, then Coursework, like many other things we do at school, gives them a completely unrealistic impression.

In any job; whether it be accountant, plumber or computer programmer, you get told to do something and it has to be done correctly first time. If there is an agreed deadline then penalties are incurred for not meeting it.

For example if you come to fix my boiler, but leave me shivering in the depths of winter then you will not get paid. If you build me a garden wall and it is not straight then you will have to do it again at much inconvenience and financial loss to yourself. If you are a solicitor and you have not prepared the necessary documents for a company merger due to take place tomorrow morning then you will have to stay in the office and finish them even if it takes all night.

With coursework however, the best strategy is to submit a half hearted attempt, let your teacher mark it and then (if you are not a teacher you might find this next bit hard to believe) hand it back to you with suggestions for how you could improve it. You then resubmit it and in many schools the same thing happens again. Do not worry if it is late or you simply cannot be bothered; your teacher will endlessly remind you, chase you and beg you to hand it in. You may even be given time off from lessons to finish it. No penalties will be incurred for your poor initial effort or lack of basic timekeeping.

Like so much of what we do in school; this is so far removed from what will actually be required of the kids in later life, that it is comical. Sadly it's also a complete waste of the teacher's time and any profession with a decent union (more on the farce that is the motley collection of Teaching Unions later) would have put a stop to it long ago.

An Appeal

Today, Christians all over the World celebrate the feast of St. Dweezil, Patron Saint of Children with Silly Names.

I would like to take this opportunity to ask all new parents to pause with me for a couple of minutes at noon and spend the time in silent contemplation.

Then name your child Mike, Andy or Jane rather than Gandalf, Jabba or Mayday.

Many Thanks
Rev. Frank Chalk

Rate My Teacher Again

Have a look at this:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/6139626.stm

If I had ever been rated on this site I am quite sure that I would have set a new record for the worst ever score. Mostly I taught my subject using the simple method I knew to work- ie explain something, then get the kids to do lots of examples. I tried to get them to work quietly and sit in neat rows where they were told to. (And I often failed miserably as you can see in my book)

Most education experts would wring their hands in horror at all this. I never attempted to make a martyr of myself by working endlessly, as I had lots of outside interests and I was never overly friendly with the pupils. I reckon the site would have given me a special award as 'Britain's Worst Teacher.'

What shocks me about this article is that she was actually bothered about her rating on a site designed for children's amusement. It seems that nowadays, popularity with the pupils is an important aim for many young teachers. I hope we're not just attracting the neurotic and those with no self confidence.

Previous post about this site here and here

Genghis

This was sent to me whilst I was away by a teacher who occasionally regales me with stories from his school. He asks to be referred to as 'Genghis'

It's an email he sent to colleagues a few days ago:

Just thought I’d share this one with you: During p5 today, as I was walking back to my room from the upstairs photocopier, I saw **** ******* urinating in a corner of the corridor outside the Music rooms. **** ******** was with him and they were both quite unabashed by my presence. So much so, in fact, that **** calmly finished what he was doing, zipped up and they both walked off, laughing hysterically and leaving a large puddle of urine on the floor behind them. I find I am unable to add anything to this.

All the best
Genghis

I can't think of much to add to this either, and obviously I can't promise you that it is true. I suspect that it probably is; as actually it's no more bizarre than dozens of other stories I regularly receive.

Davy Jones' Locker

Sorry about the lack of posts recently, I've been on a dive trip to the Red Sea.

I always rate airports by how many carvings of non indigenous animals are for sale in the Souvenir/junk shop. Marsa Alam scores a '3' (elephant, giraffe and penguin) Connoisseurs of tat will find much to admire whilst waiting for their plane.

Ahmed the cleaner/handyman, might not know how to fix a shower but did show me how to make a crocodile from six towels, a bedspread and two bottle tops. You can see his work below. (Try it and see if you can keep your drongo set amused)

Drama and Film Studies

I can't believe that some people think Drama is a Mickey Mouse subject. I wish we'd had more of it when I was at school...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/west_midlands/6122466.stm

Police in Schools

More than 400 schools now have their own Police Officer either based at the school or on call. We used to have one and he was great. He knew many of the kids' families (in a professional capacity) and provided our pupils with the only positive impression of the Police that they had ever had. Usually their encounters with the law involved one or more of their 'parents' being dragged away whilst screaming, swearing and fighting with a current lover, uncle, neighbour or both.

From my point of view (although sadly not all of the staff) he was useful for two other reasons:

1) He had the power to search pupils whom we suspected of carrying weapons or drugs. Obviously some would be found not to be, as I am not Sherlock Holmes. Their 'parents' would invariably complain and make threats involving solicitors, lawyers and other words that they could not spell.

2) He had powers of arrest. He very rarely used these but the sight of him frog marching Shane out of school is one that stuck in many pupils' minds.

However the funding ran out and he was withdrawn.

Let's see what the experts have to say for our entertainment:

Shauneen Lambe, director of 'Just for Kids Law' is outraged that a van full of police arrived to arrest a 15 year old boy. (Doesn't say what he'd done or if he was carrying a weapon) Given the pitiful list of approved restraint methods that the Police are allowed to use, I would have sent a coachload. She is concerned that these criminals will find it harder to get a job than their honest counterparts. Hmm...

Not to be outdone, the Time Educational Supplement is shocked to find that a 12 year old was arrested for stealing a mobile phone. Maybe they don't think that stealing is a criminal act any more.

There is a genuine concern amongst those whose job it is to be permanently concerned; that misbehaviour which would once have been dealt with by the school is now ending up in court. This is simply because we no longer deal with it.

There is also a concern that we are criminalising young people. I would say that they are criminalising themselves by committing crimes but then what do I know?

Police in schools. We shouldn't need them but we certainly do in a lot of places.

I'm gonna make you a star!

This is probably something you wouldn't want to happen to you, nor is this. They neatly illustrate what is certain to be the next big problem in teaching.

Type in 'Teacher' on Youtube and you will be amazed (hopefully) to find that there are about 13 000 videos. Some show teachers being beaten up, some show teachers purportedly drunk, losing their temper or doing the sort of things that people do. Others just show teachers teaching and some are probably faked.

This has all the signs of a future nightmare. Cameras on phones are constantly improving and becoming ever cheaper. It's very easy to post stuff on Youtube but virtually impossible for the subject to know if they are on there.

Requesting that material be removed should be fairly straightforward (especially now that they have been bought by Google) but if you are unaware of its existence then you will only find out that you are a film star long after your entire school has; maybe when someone kindly mentions it at Parents Evening for instance.

Any school that doesn't at least try to ban mobiles is utterly mad and has only themselves to blame.

Book Review

There was a review of three teaching books in the Times yesterday (Sat Oct 28th), one of which was mine. The reviewer described it as 'vituperative'! Far from dictionaries or the internet, I spent the whole day in blissful ignorance of whether this was good or bad.

You can now read it here

I have no idea what 'narrative drive' means either, but apparently I have less than one of the other authors. Mrs. Chalk believes it is due to lack of fibre in my diet so I have bought one of those new fangled breakfast cereals and will keep you informed of the results.

Half Term

I'd like to wish all those readers who are teachers an enjoyable Half Term, as I won't be posting until Monday 30th October. If you've not got a tonne of marking to do, then why not relax with a copy of my book (or work yourself up into a fit of righteous indignation)

If you are one of the Conspiracy Theorists who believe that David Copperfield and I are the same person, then I'd advise you to buy both my books just to make sure.

'Veilure' Is Not An Option.

After reading this, I immediately ordered Mrs. Chalk to cover up in preparation for work tomorrow and am rubbing my hands with glee at the prospect of an £1100 payout. Hoorah!

I would also like it noted that I was the first to refer to this debacle as the 'Veils for Cash' scandal.

Non Uniform Day

Dear Parent/Guardian/Dreg of Society

On Friday October 20th we will be holding a 'Non Uniform Day' in order to raise money for the new School Burgervan (in partnership with Koshushko's Fast Food) To allow your child to attend school without its uniform, you should ensure that they contribute 50 pence to their form teacher before this important day. Please do not claim that this is too much money as we all know that it is but a tiny fraction of your weekly expenditure on illegally imported cigarettes and alcohol.

Those of you who do not have the faintest clue what our uniform consists of should consult the School Handbook. No doubt you will have lost this valuable booklet that we provided at great expense, but try looking for it under that vast glowing rectangle that you worship in the corner of your living room. If having found the Handbook you are still unable to decipher it, then frankly we give up.

Those of you whose offspring pay no attention whatsoever to our regulations will be glad to hear that in accordance with the School's general policy on rule infringements; no sanction will be applied to any pupil who does not hand over the money.

Last year, the majority of parents allowed their daughters to come to school dressed as prostitutes. Boys should dress as Rap stars and spend the day speaking as usual with a bizarre Los Angeles accent. As it is 'Non Uniform Day' there is a tradition for standards of behaviour to be even lower than usual. Just about anything will be tolerated in the name of a good cause.

And a Good Cause it is indeed! We take this opprtunity to announce that the contract for the future provision of school meals has been awarded to local favourites Koshushko's Fast Food Emporium. As an example of their gourmet cuisine, they do a partly organic deep fried pizza with free range chips and a choice of brightly coloured drink for only £3.50

Please fill in the form below so that we can estimate demand.

My foulmouthed child will be:

a)A proud guest of Koshushko's Food Emporium

b)Queueing at the new school burgervan

c)Roaming the streets engaging in petty acts of vandalism.

Yours Sincerely

Mr. Morris
Headmaster, St. Thickchilds School (Sponsored by Koshushko's Fast Foods)

In the News

The Police have far more good bloggers than any other profession. Along with many other things, I do not know why this is so.

Anyway, thanks to PC Bloggs (who writes at http://pcbloggs.blogspot.com/) for pointing out the article below:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/manchester/6047514.stm

I'm sure that there will be more to this story than meets the eye (just like Shanni Naylor a few months back, who turned out not to have been quite the angel that the Press initially portrayed her as)

However if no violent incident took place; then by involving the police, the school has certainly managed to make themselves appear ridiculous. This was the same borough where a few months ago a ten year old was brought to the courts after being reported by the Headmaster for 'using racist language in the playground'

The danger with all this is that the public will start to think of teachers as pc obsessed lunatics, not to be taken seriously. We seem to be ignoring the serious stuff and obsessing about the trivia.

Here's the classroom assistant Aisha Asmi who's been sacked for being utterly incomprehensible.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/bradford/6046992.stm

When she was interviewed (by a man) for the job, she 'forgot' to wear this highly important veil. How delighted I am that my taxes will be paying for her to take the school to an Employment Tribunal.

Wasting Police Time

Just a quick post to let you know that David Copperfield's book 'Wasting Police Time' is out today. If you like my book you'll like his. Indeed, he might add that you will like his book even if you can't stand mine.

You can get it through the link on my blog, or in your nearest bookshop.

A Good Man

This was sent into me by the parent of a pupil at the school concerned. Cut and paste it into your browser as it is a long link which causes prob;ems and I don't know hoe to'wrap' it yet. Many thanks to Liam for taking the trouble to write in and tell me how to rescue my sidebar.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/threecounties/content/articles
/2006/10/11/stgeorges_harpenden_drugs_feature.shtml

Mr. Hoare has acted beyond his jurisdiction and interfered in the lives of his pupils outside the school gates. According to a barrister I spoke to; he will almost certainly be overturned if the pupils' parents decide to take the school to court, so it could turn out to be a very rash action.

However, in my opinion he has done something that few are brave enough to do. He has taken a stand for what he believes to be right and acted accordingly. He could have taken the easy way out and simply ignored what they had done and minded his own business, but he did not. He actually did something himself.

He gets my applause for what it's worth. I only wish the Headmaster at my school had been more like him.

The TES

The Times Educational Supplement (TES) website is the largest UK teachers website and it has a forum which is extremely popular. Type "Teaching Forum" into Google and this is the top UK result

It has over 150 000 members and between 4 and 7000 posts daily. I spent a couple of hours skimming through it last week and although some of the posters are obviously highly articulate and there is much high quality debate, logical argument and intelligent comment, I couldn't help but feel sad at the large number of personal attacks, mud slinging and mindless insults between posters, most of whom are presumably teachers.

Like it or not; this is the image of us that the outside world sees and can freely access. We should stop and think about this.

The phrase "Don't hang out your dirty washing in public" is more relevant today than ever. Anything on the internet can be saved, stored and referred to indefinitely- it doesn't just go away.

I don't moderate comments to my blog and I've been amazed at the quality of those that I've received. Thanks for this.

'Behind the Times'

Several readers have sent in news items recently, so I'll try to do a regular News post. 'Behind the Times' seemed an apt title as they are often a week old. Please keep on emailing them to me.

First of all Olive Rack (who gets a mention in my book) has been found not guilty. Her case is a tremendous example of modern madness and should put anybody off running a nursery.

Thanks to Mick J for this story about a teacher who probably won't be giving up any more of his time to take kids out on Duke of Edinburgh trips. I had to read it a couple of times before I could work out what he'd actually done.

Don't Abuse My Name!

You can abuse my name all you like, but this post is actually about the excellent campaign by Sec Ed http://www.sec-ed.co.uk/cgi-bin/go.pl/campaign/index.html to give teachers accused of all manner of things the right to anonymity in the press. (Just like their accuser usually has)

At the moment pupils can feel free to make up any accusation they wish; knowing full well that the teacher will be thoroughly investigated, hounded by the local press and suspended from their job whilst enquiries take place. There have been cases of teachers having their cars damaged, houses daubed with paint and threats made against them and their families by the local halfwitted vigilante group.

When the whole thing is found to be completely untrue, there is no comeback on the pupil. (And let's face it, 99% of these stories turn out to be absolute rubbish.) The teacher concerned is left with the worry of never knowing just what has been recorded about them and kept on file even when they have been shown to be innocent.

The current situation is an open invitation to disgruntled, bored, troublemaking pupils or ex pupils to seek revenge on any teacher they dislike. (ie the good ones)

Download their A4 poster from the site above and stick it on your noticeboard, preferably on top of the latest idea from SMT.

It's Not The Critic Who Counts...

The quote below is one of my favourites. It's part of a speech Theodore Roosevelt gave on citizenship at the University of Paris in 1910.


'It's not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or when the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worth cause; who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement; and who at the worst if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat.'

Theodore Roosevelt 1910

I'm sure that they had speech writers even then, but somehow I can't quite imagine Tony coming out with anything like that...

Once when some bangle wearing Advisor from the LEA came to talk to us for an hour about the latest methods for wasting time in the classroom; I pinned up a copy on the wall just behind where she stood. The irony escaped her, but it entertained one or two in the audience.

Mind you, I think my old English teacher might have had something to say about the length of his second sentence...

A Giant Sandwich (only less pleasant)

If you think of Education as a sandwich (for no good reason) then Secondary Education is the filling.

As all my experience is in Secondary, I am keen to hear more about the bread:

Primary (where they don't seem to learn the basics i.e. how to read, write, sit still and listen without talking or making animal noises) and Further Education (where it seems they go on to study daytime TV)

If I had a pound for every time a teacher asked me the immortal question:

"What the Hell are they doing with them in Primary School?"

Or:

"What on Earth are they going to do when they leave here?"

Then I would have enough to buy you all a sandwich.

Chalk's Fourth Law

Chalk’s Fourth Law of Teaching:

"No situation is ever resolved to the satisfaction of all parties involved."

Eg. Kid a hits Kid b

A trivial punishment (eg. a day's exclusion so that they can relax at home, secure in the knowledge that no record of this will ever be kept or passed onto a prospective employer) is given to Brat a whose Parent c comes racing up to school (daytime TV permitting) to complain about long history of Wretch b bullying Wretch a

Dreadful Child b is then punished also, perhaps with a detention which they need feel no obligation to attend, followed rapidly by phone call from their Parent d in a rage because of Future Prison Inmate b receiving the same punishment as a when they 'weren’t doing nothing wrong.'

Lying Witnesses e,f,g and h are then interviewed by Head of Year who wearily listens to four conflicting stories and concludes rightly that no sense whatsoever can be made of the whole incident and instructs both parties to be nice to each other in the future. No further action taken.

Next day: Horror b punches Horror a and the next episode of this sorry saga begins.

Student Houses in Sheffield

Finding a decent Student House can be an absolute nightmare. Landlords can be difficult to deal with and slow to get things fixed.

Steve Pope Properties are a breath of fresh air for any student looking for a property in Sheffield. Clean, well maintained houses in Crookes which are close to the University. He lives locally and is very friendly and efficient. We wouldn't hesitate to recommend him.

Click on the link above to view his website and arrange a viewing

Don't Make Me Go Back In There Again, Please!

I've got some more radio interviews coming up over the next few weeks. To be honest, I find them quite difficult. You sit in a little office wearing a pair of enormous headphones and there's a microphone on the desk in front of you. All of a sudden you hear a voice in your ears saying "Can you hear me Frank?" Followed by the stomach churning "You're on after the next record!"

It's just like making an international phone call used to be. When you speak, everything goes dead, then you hear a ghostly echo of your own voice a split second later. It's very disconcerting and I find myself wanting to say "Hello? Hello? Are you still there?"

As it's live, you've got to try not to keep saying "er, um...dunno" or just trailing off. You can't pick up any of the visual clues which normally help keep a conversation flowing. I have a bad habit of fiddling with things if I'm nervous; which almost led to disaster on a previous interview when I accidently pulled out the microphone jack plug, causing a huge burst of static.

Two minutes after it's over, you think of all the clever and witty replies you could have said and finally you realise that you forgot to mention the book!

Radio Ga-Ga

If anyone listened to me wittering on Radio Manchester this morning, could you tell me if they managed to edit out the enormous popping noise when I absentmindedly flicked the microphone?

Letter to Alan Johnson (Education Secretary)

Sorry I've not been posting for a few days, I had a few problems with my modem which exceeded my meagre technical abilities. Hopefully all is now ok. I'm going to send the following letter once you've told me what you think:

Dear Mr Johnson

You’ve been sent a copy of my book, so has Tony. Neither of you has bothered to comment or reply. Let me give you a further example of what I am complaining about.

A good friend of mine has a Year 7 class with 42% having Special Needs. Several can barely read a sentence, others cannot listen for more than a few seconds without shouting out or making stupid noises. Many of the group cannot sit still, most have no idea how to follow simple instructions either verbal or written on the board, as they have never been made to do so in Primary School. In short, it is bedlam. The school has no effective discipline policy and no effective leaders.

In this same class is a girl who today asked a probing question about a topic that will not be covered for two more years. Her ability is way beyond the rest of the class. There are three others who are also well above average.

Today one of the loonies (my words not hers) stormed out of the room after assaulting another member of the class. This is not the first such incident.

This teacher is renowned as being excellent. She is honest enough to admit that she simply cannot effectively teach such a wide range of ability especially with the huge behaviour problems that are also present. She despairs at this situation (i.e. no discipline and no setting by ability) that is forced upon her and feels that the majority of pupils in the class are being let down. The school does not set in years 7 or 8 and the other classes are similar.

She explained to me that she felt a great sadness that she was simply unable to do her job and is considering moving to the Private Sector, where in her own words:

"At least I will be able to teach rather than just attempt crowd control, which is all I do here".

You are directly responsible for Education in Great Britain. Your Government has been in power for 9 years. Please tick whichever box below that you honestly believe corresponds best to its performance in this area:

Good
Satisfactory
Poor

If there is any doubt as to the authenticity of the above example I shall be pleased to provide you with the exact details. I would also be prepared to forward you over a hundred emails I have received (after obtaining the senders' permission) detailing similar cases.

Any chance of a reply either to my email or to this site?

Frank Chalk

Alan Johnson

The Education Secretary Alan Johnson (just what exactly does he know about education?) has announced that he is 'seriously considering' raising the school leaving age from 16 to 18 as there are too many kids leaving school unable to read, write or do simple sums.

Unfortunately Ashley, Dwayne and Leroy could stay at school until they were drawing old age pensions and they would still be unable to master these skills. This is because they do not want to learn such boring things and we have absolutely no means of making them do so.

His other proposal is to have schools opening on Saturday mornings. I can just imagine how the teachers will scramble to get into school for an extra three hours of mayhem with Ryan and Shane.

Forget these whacky ideas Alan. All we need is the power to discipline Nathan, Shazney and their awful parents.

Inspector Gadget

The excellent Police blogger 'Inspector Gadget' who can be relied upon to keep us informed as to why our streets are not safe at night (or during the day in many cases) has been 'outed.'

Either somebody has figured out who he is from a posting or more worryingly for the rest of us, his computer has been hacked into. He is being interviewed 'informally' on Tuesday.

Currently, a handful of blogs in the UK are exposing serious flaws in the Police, the NHS and State Education. They are hitting a raw nerve with those higher up who have always had the opportunity to say something or more importantly; actually do something, but have simply kept quiet and followed the official line. These people would much rather the reality was kept safely hidden away.

Inspector Gadget is the first to be found out and it will be very interesting to see what the outcome is.

After School Clubs

The Government wants all schools to offer activities between 8 am and 6pm by 2010. (Presumably they assume they will still be in power then)

The main objections seem to be:

1) Children spending too much time at school/ missing out on home life.

2) Who is going to do the supervising and plan the activities? How much will they be paid? Will teachers be bullied into doing them?

3) Where's the money?

My opinion on these points is as follows:

1) This argument assumes that all kids have an idyllic after school life of climbing trees, building dens in the woods or reading and making things out of meccano.

Unfortunately, the after school reality for many kids involves climbing through other people's windows and building drugs dens in the woods; reading their Asbos and making decommissioned pistols fire again. It would be a very good idea to provide something exciting and legal for them to do after school. It will all hinge on what's offered, which brings us to the second point.

2) Teachers will want to be paid at their normal rate for doing these clubs and quite right too. Qualified instructors for interesting activities are also expensive, so what's left? Cover supervisors? Teaching Assistants? If we can't offer the kids something exciting then they won't come. Anyone who lets themselves be bullied into helping out needs to join us vertebrates.

3) Let's do some rough sums. 8 am till 6pm is roughly 3 and a half hours extra per day. Cost of employing someone is at least 50% above their pay, so lets say £15 per hour which makes about £50 per day for each person. 15 million kids need at least 500 000 staff so that gives us a wage bill of £25 million per day for 200 shool days per year = 5 billion quid.

The Government has budgeted £600 million between now an 2010 with no details of what happens after that. Oh dear... The kids will have to pay then, (and quite a bit too) which will be ok for some but will definitely stop those who would benefit most from going (their parents would rather invest the money in strong lager)

So to sum up- great idea; where's the details of how it works?

Hang on haven't we been here before?

Other Work Blogs

There are three areas of our society that cause great concern for many people at the moment

Education
Law and Order
Healthcare

If you are interested in these topics, then you can spend your money on a newspaper and read articles by journalists with no experience of the above professions and absolutely no guarantee that what they have vaguely researched (or overheard in the pub) bears the slightest resemblance to the truth. If you do not agree with what you read then you can write a letter to the paper and never hear any more.

Alternatively you can check out the views of those who have worked in these areas and equally importantly, you can comment on our posts and tell us if you think we are talking rubbish.

Law and Order is a thing of the past in many parts of the UK and who better than PC David Copperfield to bring us news of the latest plans to punish the law abiding citizens whilst ensuring that criminals are kept safe on the streets.

Healthcare is the third great fiasco and Dr Crippen can be relied on to keep us up to date with the latest medical madness. Do email him if you are feeling at all unwell, or if you have had too much to drink and require an ambulance to take you home.

I like to think of us standing together, defending the truth against those who would like to keep it hidden. We are like the three pronged trident carried by that Greek God who lived under the sea (Spongebob I think he was called)

Lost

Just a quick apology to all those who've emailed me with questions , comments etc. and haven't yet had an answer. Basically my inbox is groaning under the weight of all the replies I've had to a survey I started a while ago here:

http://frankchalk.blogspot.com/2006/07/survey.html.

I didn't expect such an enthusiastic response but it obviously struck a nerve and I'm just finishing correlating all the info. I'm closing it now and will let you know some results in a few days time.

Many thanks to all those who took the time to reply.

Three Reasons We Let The Pupils Down

There are three reasons why our Comprehensive System is in such a mess.
1) Discipline has become a naughty word in schools.
2) We don't always put children in groups of similar ability
3) The National Curriculum

Let's look at each one in turn

Discipline

I was once advised by my Head of Department to use a different ink colour than red to mark the kids' books, as it was 'less confrontational'

This sums up our problems far more neatly than I could ever manage.

We have forgotten that as teachers that we are supposed to be in charge, rather than the pupils. Making lessons entertaining has become more important than making them sit still and listen. Punishing badly behaved pupils has been made more and more difficult, as available sanctions have diminished and those higher up the school (and in the Local Education Authority) become less and less willing to back up teachers who try to enforce those that we have left.

'The Tail Wags The Dog' ie the pupils control the school.

Oh I've just remembered- in the red ink example above she'd actually just finished telling me off for using the word (in our department meeting) 'kids' rather than 'Learners' or 'Students'

Mixed Ability Teaching

Let's take the example of two Year 7 kids, Mark and Kylie. Mark can barely read or write and certainly cannot understand anything that is being taught to him. Kylie is highly intelligent. The school is attempting to destroy both of their futures by putting them in the same class. In a few months, Mark will have started to cause trouble because he cannot do any of the work and feels left out. Kylie on the other hand is bored senseless with the work she regards as trivial and is starting to look for her own distractions also.

Mark knows perfectly well that he is not as good at lessons as the rest of his group. The conventional argument (which was preached in Teacher Training) that putting him in a lower set somehow stigmatises him does not make any sense. In a group of his peers he would obviously not stand out.

Teachers can teach effectively to a narrow range of abilities. (It is taboo to say this however) If the ability range is too wide then we simply do not manage.

The National Curriculum

This has resulted in us having to attempt to teach Leon French, when he can barely read or write in English.

However, this is the one area that I am slightly optimistic about. If recent proposals come to anything (which is a mighty 'if') then worthwhile, properly structured vocational courses, which lead to a qualification can be offered to those who are simply not academic. This would be so much better for them than making them plod unsuccessfully through the same work as those with an aptitude for it. I can only hope that we make some progress in this direction.

Blair and Johnson

We've now sold around 2000 copies of It's Your Time You're Wasting, so I'd like to say thanks to all those of you who've bought one.

For those of you who haven't, I should add that none of the material from this blog was used in the book. It's all new stuff so click on the link and buy a copy now!

Copies were sent to both Tony Blair and the Minister for Education, Alan Johnson for their comments, but they never replied. I can't think why we imagined they would; after all it's only about 'education, education, education' so why would they be interested in that?

Healthy Eating Again

Rawmarsh School in South Yorkshire decided to go in for healthy eating in its canteen, but didn't bargain with Mrs Walker and Mrs Critchlow (pictured holding her letters of support from local fast food outlets)

They are busy taking orders from the kids each day at morning break for pies, fish and chips, sandwiches, baked potatoes, burgers and fizzy drinks which they deliver at lunchtime by pushing them through the school railings. I swear I'm not making this up.

Before we rush to condemn them however (and you can rest assured that I'm sorely tempted to), we should consider the following points:

1) They claim (and I will find out if this is true) that the food in the canteen is absolute rubbish and that the school is charging almost twice as much for food such as baked potatoes as local takeaways do.


2) The sight of these two at the school gates would certainly put me off my lunch.

Use Your Head, Teach

In order to recruit more teachers the TDA has commissioned a set of adverts, based around the motto:

'Use Your Head, Teach'

You may have seen some of them in newspapers and on posters up and down the country. I'm not convinced about this one however.

Billions Spent on Schools

Something that's been on my mind since yesterday's post:

Could someone from the Government tell us just what was the point in spending billions on high tech tools when we don't even have the tools to make the kids sit still?

What's in the News?

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2006/09/13/nschools13.xml

Billions spent yet no real improvement in our schools. I reckon most of it has been spent on new forms to fill in.

The kids still share textbooks, discipline has gone out of the window, lessons have become crowd control. Funnily enough, we struggle to attract decent graduates. There is no shortage of computers however.


http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/education/5344310.stm

Drugs education in schools isn't working. Well stone the crows, who would have thought that if you get a load of trendy yoof workers and well meaning teachers to tell the pupils about drugs it will do no good at all.

The only people the kids respect are footballers and 'D' list celebrities. These should be all be rounded up, threatened with disgusting revealations about their private lives and sent round schools to dish out the message that drugs are for losers. A few horror posters showing the state of crack addicts and heroin users wouldn't be a bad idea either.

ps. I got an email today saying that I'd been censored on the Parents Forum! Not sure what the details are yet, but you can check out the thread here

http://www.parentscentre.gov.uk/forum/messageview.cfm?catid=20&threadid=21906&STARTPAGE=3

They don't like me much!

New School Rating System

Good news! Ofsted Inspections are to be abolished and one inspector will simply turn up at random and rate schools according to the formula below:

School Rating = a*b*c*d/e*f*g*h*i*j*k

where:

a= No. of yr 11 pupils attempting to dress as Goths (out of first 30 names on alphabetical Year List)
b= No. of boys with long hair in above sample
c= Percentage of teachers in attendance on day of visit
d= No. of ties worn by first ten male staff seen.
e= No. of Yr 11 pupils with a skinhead in sample used to calculate 'a'
f= No. of pupils called Ashley, Shane or Liam in sample used to calculate 'a' (If this exceeds 5 then school will be awarded 'Failing School' status immediately.)
g= No. of parents visiting the school between 2 and 3pm (ie with nothing better to do)
h= Total No. of tatoos, piercings and miscellaneous ironmongery visible on these parents
i= No. of football shirts worn by the above parental sample
j= No. of pieces of litter visible from main entrance to school (Average of result at 9 am and 1:55pm)
k= Items of grafitti found in a textbook (Average of 5 randomly selected from different classrooms)

Naseem Hamed

Wondered why I'd not had any comments on this but then discovered I'd forgotten to post it. Oh well, I've missed the boat but it's still worth a mention.

Naseem Hamed was released from prison last week after serving less than four months of his 15 month sentence. Am I the only one who thinks that if you get a 15 month sentence then you should be in prison for- let me think about this... 15 months. If you are well behaved in jail then you should come out after; I know... 15 months. If you have been naughty whilst in jail then you should stay until you do start to behave.

Anthony Burgin, who's car was was hit at 90 mph by Hamed is still a real mess. He suffered multiple broken bones and his wife was also seriously injured. They were hit whist Hamed was attempting to overtake another car- the driver of which, described the manouvre as 'suicidal'

Imagine how Mr and Mrs Burgin must have felt seeing the news coverage of the stretch limo arriving to pick up Hamed on his release.

If

'If' by Rudyard Kipling was written in 1895 and 100 years later, was voted Britain's best loved poem in a BBC poll. It emphasises the unfashionable virtues of fortitude, stoicism and quiet determination so I've reproduced it here:


If you can face your Head when all about you,
Are staring at their feet to avoid your eye
If you can trust yourself when all of SMT doubt you,
And instead believe in Chesney’s obvious lie
If you can go along with the sad illusion;
That Wayne’s three day exclusion will be enough
To turn around five years of bad behaviour,
And lately getting Shazney up the duff.


If you can hear- and yet pay no attention
To the sound of Tamsin’s mother on the phone.
Complaining loudly at her daughters detention,
Just move the phone away so she can drone
If you can face a ninety minute lesson,
In the company of Nathan, Brett and Wayne;
If you can read yet take in not one morsel
Of the idiotic scribblings by Dwayne


If you can make one heap of Ashley’s Final Warnings,
When he says he really doesn’t give a toss
And find that nothing can be done about him,
As you have an ineffective boss.
If you can smile- whilst screaming deep within;
At the sight of Drama cover on the board
And the Supply teacher has left your room unlocked,
To be invaded by the screaming horde


If you can stifle yawns of boredom,
As England’s dullest man takes Training Day
If you can deal with stress and see its unimportance;
And you would rather battle on than stay away
If you can watch the good kids working,
Ignoring Leon with his finger in his ear
If you can snatch away his IPod,
Then face his imbecilic father without fear


If neither Coyne nor Ashley, nor Billie-Jo,
Can raise your pulse or blood pressure one jot
If you can grin on seeing that your timetable,
Contains classes you would wish that it did not
Meetings that drag with every passing minute;
As you fight the urge to leap to your feet and run
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s innit,
And-which is more- you’ll be a Man, my son!

Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936)

Healthy Eating

I called into my local Fish and Chip shop last night and found the proprietor in a very upbeat mood. When I remarked on this, he explained that he was celebrating the Government's new initiative on healthy eating in schools.

Somewhat puzzled, I listened to him explain that the Comprehensive a few hundred metres from his door has got rid of their vending machine and has taken chips off the canteen menu.

He spotted an opportunity straight away and installed a gigantic new fridge bursting with cans and bottles and has invested in a new double sized deep fat fryer!

He has had to take on an assistant to cope with the extra lunchtime demand and even admitted that to his shame, a few months ago he had gone on a march organised by local parents to protest at the quality of school dinners.

I laughed all the way home.

You want to go on holiday? You've only just come back...

As the Government wishes to crack down on parents taking their children on holidays during term time, most LEAs instruct schools not to approve requests for holiday absences during the first two weeks of the Autumn term.

The Head therefore has a dilemma.

If they follow these guidelines and refuse permission, then the parents ignore this and the school's unauthorised absence figures go up (which looks bad on the Annual Report) Parents may enjoy their holiday knowing full well that the LEA will not take any action against them.

If they ignore the guidelines as most Heads do and authorise the absence then it simply encourages more parents to do the same.

All in all, a tremendous example of the popular idea that having a rule and writing it down clearly is all that is needed.

Junk Mail

I've just found out that whilst I was away the Royal Mail have decided to start delivering us all a mountain of junk mail.

There are two solutions to this

1) There is probably some number you can ring and waste time speaking to one of my ex pupils who will annoy you with their imbecility and then pass on your details to every direct mailing company in the World.

2) Simply collect it until you have a good sized pile and do some junk mailing of your own. If you are anything like me, shoving it all through the letterbox of your local sorting office once a week will give you no end of quiet satisfaction.

Holidays

One thing I love doing whilst on holiday is spotting souvenirs that have no connection whatsoever with the town they are in. This year's tally include the following:

A statue of a Red Indian on his horse, brandishing an axe. (Courmayeur, Italy)

A model of a lighthouse, with a proper flashing light (also in Courmayeur, at least 250 miles from the Sea)

A beautufully made, balsa wood giraffe. (Lake Maggiore, Italy.)

Do let me know if you think you can beat any of these.