Monday, May 18, 2009


Well at least the Scots are trying to do something about the ever growing problem of violent wretches who attack their teacher or each other and simply return to class after a good talking to by the Head or a one day holiday. Trouble is, any psychologist worth their beard will just announce that Wayne is suffering from attention surplus somethingorother and has special 'needs' which we must bend over backwards to accommodate. In the interests of equality, no doubt vicious elbow-toucherThelma Hoskins (67) would also find herself being assessed by some nutter who fancied being a Scientist but wasn't bright enough to do a real one.

Still, whilst the tradition of wearing a tie seems to be falling victim to Health and Safety, another one (ie making fun of kilt wearing Scots) is still going strong

Someone recently suggested that I ask teachers to send in their own stories or articles for publication on this blog. I'm all in favour of this (as it saves me writing them) and obviously they get to stay anonymous. I've actually received quite a few already, but they have all been either boring as hell or would only appeal to an eight year old. However, judging by the comments and emails I get; there are plenty of teachers out there who could write something amusing, cynical or nasty (ie in keeping with my blog), so get on with it and send them to me.


Richard said...

My wife was a French teacher. One of her pupils thought it would be a good laugh to try to strangle a boy using the boy's tie.

The attacker did an excellent job. The knot on the other boy's tie jammed. He turned purple and panicked entertainingly as my wife tried, and failed, to release the tie that was now choking him.

When the boy lost consciousness, my wife panicked entertainingly before obtaining a knife and cutting the boy's tie off. There were cheers all round when an ambulance arrived to take the choked boy to hospital.

Funnily enough, there was no cheering when the police arrived and arrested the other boy for attempted murder.

Anonymous said...

OK, here's one for the funny story blog:
Working with two pupils who have dyslexia, I was concentrating on pupil A's work. Pupil B wanted my attention and said "Miss, Miss, you've got to help me, because I'm much more dyslexic than HIM"...

It very often puzzles me how severely dyslexic children can't red a thing but you see them texting on their mobile phones, you'd be surprised. Fast as lightning!

Anonymous said...

I was once (wrongly) accused of ophysically assaulting a pupil. That ws in front of a class of 30 and a teacher. The accuser even produced five "witnesses" who claimed they had seenme hitting this pupil. Luckily, there were 30 witnesses and two teachers who had seen no such thing. Big enquiry, written statements, all that, and a few near-sleepless nights for me. In the end, the truth came out and it was clear that the so-called witnesses were liars. Did they face any consequences? Of course they did not, because they had "issues". Did I receive as much as a verbal apology from any of them??? Just you guess.....

Mr Natural said...

I too was falsely accused of assault: the dear little soul, a congenital liar and habitual trouble-maker, accused me of knocking out one of his teeth.

An investigation was carried out by a dipsomaniac deputy with a thoroughness and impartiality that accurately reflected his state of mind, and the headmaster, who made Dr Augustus Fagan look like Thomas Arnold, sat in judgement.

With hindsight, I should have told them to bring in the police if they thought I was guilty; but I did not keep such a cool head, and the limp advice I received from the union did not inspire bravado: the prevailing culture is such that the child is always given the benefit of the doubt.

Though I kept my job, I was never really cleared of the assault, and the child remained in school. A colleague was not so fortunate, and he was dismissed following a similar accusation from a different child.

My accuser will now be twenty-one years old, and I am retired. If ever I meet him in the street or in a pub I shall stick my boot right up his jacksie.

Lilyofthefield said...

I shall capture the event on my mobile phone and post it entertainly on Facebook, Youtube, Myspace etc etc. I'm a happy slapper.

Anonymous said...

Surprisingly after reading all this I'm still considering a career in teaching... god only knows why.

We didn't have ties at my school, instead we had hideously patterned shirts. Certainly made it difficult to get up to anything on the way home as everyone for about a mile around knew it was use and we couldn't even argue that they must have been mistaken... the only other place I ever saw the same material used was a motorway service station. So Lets get rid of the ties and make everyone wear patterned shirts, no more choking and it suddenly becomes a hell of a lot easier to identify which school that particular little s*** is from.