Chalk Enterprises

At the end of my book, I mentioned that I was going to set up in business with the idea of becoming rich beyond Mrs Chalk's wildest dreams. It is fascinating to look at the differences between my old job and what I do now.

For example, meetings in teaching are regular, frequent, last forever and never, ever result in any action. There is endless waffle and debate, punctuated by stupid questions about points which have already been discussed. Everybody eventually goes home exhausted and perplexed.

Meetings now are irregular, short; always result in firm decisions and/ or someone getting very cross.

Whilst I was toying with the idea, I went to speak to seven people who ran small companies employing between none and ten workers. They had all been going for between two and twenty five years. Their comments were very interesting especially with regard to employment, in the light of this recent report.

Three out of the seven advised me never to employ anyone at all if I could possibly avoid it. They claimed that contracting out work might be more expensive but that in the long term, the endless nightmares of Employment Law made it worthwhile. Four out of the seven advised me not to employ a woman between 18 and 45 under any circumstances, because of the devastating effect maternity leave can have on a small business and two mentioned the increased chances of a sexism or harassment claim being made against you or another employee.

I also asked the Business Studies teacher for advice, but I don't recall them ever saying anything like that.

Dewsbury

If there are any thin or honest people in this town, could they please get in touch straightaway?

Common Sense

STOP PRESS: There has been a dangerous outbreak of common sense at Edinburgh City Council. Officials have assured me that it is unlikely to spread further and normal service will be resumed shortly.

Etape du Tour

If any readers were racing in the Etape on Monday, wasn't the Ventoux as hot as Hell? I've never seen as many strong, fit looking people staggering along pushing their bikes, sitting by the side of the road head in hands, or just lying semi conscious in the trees.

Lance Armstrong always used to say "It's not about the bike" when journalists inevitably started asking him about his bicycle, rather than his training and preparation. The meaning of this was hammered home to me, struggling up that damned mountain under a baking sun. Still at least I didn't die there like Tom Simpson in 1967 or collapse at the top like Eddy Merckx in 1970. (Although I felt like emulating both of them)

The Pros tackle the same route in the Tour de France on Saturday (hopefully Bradley Wiggins will grit his teeth, climb like a madman and end up on the podium in Paris) and you can watch it on ITV4, unless like me you are a digital dinosaur and didn't even realise such a station existed. An enthusiastic sweepstake is currently taking place on how many minutes Armstrong beats my time by. If you want to enter, here's a tip- don't go for a low number.

Sorry to keep adding to this post, but does anyone know whether the man with the artificial leg made it, or the couple riding a tandem? The water station at Chalet Reynard on Ventoux that had run out of water was a bit dispiriting, as was the huge traffic jam later down to Malaucene. I descended by bike, throwing caution to the wind with all the excitement; flying past the stationary cars and completely forgetting that the road was now open. This foolishness resulted in me very nearly being wiped out by an ambulance making its way up the Mountain (Which would have been an extremely amusing irony and definitely one of the top ways I would like to croak, if given the choice)

Good advice

Whenever young teachers ask me for advice, I always give them the following two tips:

1) Don't sleep in Wheelie Bins.

2) Don't show the kids x-rated video of yourself.

Peter Harvey

Think back to when you were at school and how much fun it was to wind the teacher up until they exploded in a fit of rage, clobbering the daftest boy in the class whilst glowing bright red with incandescent fury. Nowadays it's even better as they dare not do anything to vent their feelings, so we end up with a case like that of Peter Harvey.

Now I suspect that we don't really know the full facts of this incident yet, so I'll not comment on it. I am thankful however that I only came very close to lashing out at a pupil who had been driving me mad all lesson, on about 840 different occasions during my teaching career.

Home Alone

The Government is considering waiving tuition fees for students who don't need grants or loans. This will help limit University to the wealthy and those whose parents will allow them to live at home.

Why on Earth can't we face up to reality and go back to paying for the clever kids to go to Uni rather than encouraging those who can barely read or write to rack up a £20 000 debt whilst attempting a Mickey Mouse degree which, should they complete it; will offer them absolutely no possibility of a decent job?

Leonora Rustamova

Poor old Leonora was a teacher at Calder High School who took on the challenge of trying to interest teenage boys in reading novels.

This would have been too difficult for me, but this woman was made of sterner stuff. She took the time and effort to write a novel which was apparently a bit 'Racy' (probably a lot less racy than whatever other material they perused.)

As a reward for going well beyond the call of duty, her head appears to have sacked her.

I was supposed to be discussing this on Five Live today but managed to miss the call due to a previous appointment as chimp handler at Michael Jackson's funeral. You were therefore spared my foolish comments.

ps I've just been told that a Facebook Group has been set up to support her here (Don't ask me what this means)

Yellow is the Colour of my True Love's Hi Viz Jacket...

Whilst driving through town today I noticed a group of about 20 schoolchildren all about 11 or 12 years old, getting on a bus.

The sun was blazing, there was not a cloud in the sky and it was absolutely baking hot; but every one of them was wearing a luminous vest. I was so amazed that I almost ran over one of their teachers (who was looking utterly ridiculous in her own bright yellow high-viz jacket.)

I am well aware that there is a battle going on between the Health and Safety Officials who say that schools deliberately misinterpret their rules and the schools who put the blame on them.

So, can anyone tell me:

a) Why are kids wearing these crazy things?
b) Why do the teachers not have enough dignity not to?

Titles

STOP PRESS:

I apologise for the interruption to your evening, but Fran from Oop North Somewhere has just informed me that from September, the Form Tutors at their school will be renamed 'Achievement Tutors'.

This leads us neatly round to Chalk's 9th Law of Teaching:

The grander the title given, the less able the person who gave it.

Your own examples are of course welcome.

Class of 2009

Over the next few weeks, almost 400 000 students will graduate from our Universities. Many of these will not find jobs at all, or end up working in jobs that they could have started at the age of 16.

My prediction is that this Summer at long last, schools will finally begin to question the accepted doctrine of encouraging every pupil who can spell their own name to rush blindly into taking on £20 000 worth of debts in order to gain a worthless degree from an institution that should never have been allowed to call itself a University in the first place.

Nightjack

How exactly is it in the public interest to expose the identity of (and therefore make it impossible for him to continue) a man who publicises the numerous failings of modern Policing; which are, judging by the popularity of his Blog presumably of interest to the public?

By this logic, it would certainly be in the public interest for the Times to publish the identity of a man who has made the mistake of frequently criticising the shambles that passes for State Education.

Hang on I'll be right back, there's somebody at the door...

In Hot Water

Those of you who are struggling to raise money for a new minibus or buy enough textbooks will be delighted to hear that Head Greg Martin manages to get paid £85 000 for managing a spa and pool. (I'd just pay one of the Top Set kids £50 a week to do it)

Who paid for this facility in the first place and how hard is it to 'manage' a swimming pool? Mind you it is Lambeth Council so I suppose anything is possible. More importantly can Mrs C. get say, £55k for managing the 'Exercise Book Distribution Unit' at her school?

I've been asked to advertise vacancies in schools every so often, so here's the first one.

Position School Secretary
Requirements Would suit female with prominent chest
Apply to Al Islah Muslim Girls School, Blackburn. (Please enclose a photograph)

Burn My Money in front of me Please

Now that we are all heartily sick of hearing about MPs spending the taxpayers money on moats, duck islands and helipads why don't we look into Nonsense Agencies such as the GTCE and the Training Development for Schools (TDA)?

The Times alleges here that TDA boss Graham Holley managed to spend a few thousand on a nice trip to Melbourne for an 'education conference' and later went to Rome to learn about leadership, (like teaching, this is something you are either good at or not- if you aren't a natural leader then all the training in the World can only make you sound like one)

Isn't it strange that they always seem to go somewhere nice to learn about leadership. Have you ever heard of a conference in Hull, Tipton or Scunthorpe for example?

Show me the Money

The Government is proposing to pay about £3000 per year extra to entice people to take a job as a crowd controller in challenging (ie crap) schools. Have a look at the article before you ask me the obvious question:

Won't the staff who are already there get a bit upset about doing the same job for three grand less than those who've just arrived?

Regular readers will also be familiar with my cynical view of any sentence that starts with the words "Research shows..." I wonder how much of your money was spent discovering the astonishing fact that kids do better if they have a good teacher?

Mind you it's a good job they never offered me a bonus to work at St. Thickchilds- I would only have blown it on a Somali Cruise.

So That's Why They Call It Great Britain...

One man who clearly doesn't think that Britain is on its last legs is the latest Monday Books author, Steve Pope. When we first met last weekend, I naturally offered him the secret Monday Authors funny handshake; assuming that anyone writing a book of that title as the Government is collapsing, whilst we suffer the worst recession since 1930; could only be writing under a pseudonym like Copperfield, Gadget and myself. I assured him that I was fine about calling him by whatever name he wanted.

He no doubt decided on the spot that I was a complete loon, but was polite enough not to say anything to the effect. Anyway, I've now finished his book and have to admit that it is absolutely fascinating. There's loads and loads of stuff that I never knew about, mixed in with lots of funny stories about the various characters who have put the 'Great' in Britain. It's written alphabetically, which makes it good for people like me with short attention spans, because you can dip in and out of it when you have a spare minute, then later casually drop in a gem to friends in the Pub along the lines of; "Did you know that...."; making you appear very knowledgeable indeed.

It's available from Amazon here, or direct from Monday Books here.

Open a College

Have you had enough of gobby, pig ignorant pupils who know full well that they can do what they like in your lessons? Do you find yourself harbouring violent thoughts towards them and their wretched parents? Is the endless stream of new and ever more bizarre initiatives from the SLT getting you down to the point where you feel you can take no more?

Well here's the answer. Rather than worrying about Inspections, GCSE results and all that nonsense, just rent a room somewhere cheap and open up your very own College. There is no law to stop you, so the next step is to get an advertisement for your World Renowned Centre of Excellence up and running on the Internet. Before you know it, you will have hundreds of students from Pakistan begging to enrol in order to fulfill their lifelong ambition of studying hard in Britain. They will be only too happy to pay the Course fees in advance (in heroin if you like) in return for your college stamp on their student visa application.

No need to worry about hiring any staff though, and rest assured that nobody will dare accuse you of any wrongdoing for fear of being labelled racist.

The Dangers of Swimming Goggles

Whilst the Aussies seem to be trying to bring back Hanging in their schools, we are banning swimming goggles.

SATS

Those of you with children about to go into year 9 this September would be well advised to ask your school exactly what they are planning on teach in English, Maths and Science now that the SATS tests for their age group have been abolished.

If the recent emails I've been receiving are anything to go by; they are about to be replaced with a year of utter nonsense focusing on such gems as 'model making' 'creative thinking' and 'pupil driven unstructured work' That will certainly help us compete on a global stage, then.

There are two problems here:

1) The kids waste a year before the GCSE syllabus starts in Year 10.

2) The Government will conclude that teachers and schools can't be trusted to educate children unless they are told exactly what to teach and when to do it.

University Complaints

At University 25 years ago, I can remember sitting through numerous lectures which were nothing more than an hour of incomprehensible mutterings and scribbled equations, delivered by a man dressed in a random set of garments from Oxfam, who clearly felt uncomfortable interacting with the human race and straying too far away from a test tube and Bunsen Burner. I can't remember caring though.

Nowadays the students complain if the lecturer doesn't turn up, is late or just completely rubbish. Rightly so I suppose, now that they are paying. The only reason there aren't more complaints is that many students struggle to read and write. Manchester Metropolitan even has a text messaging service for those who can't string a sentence together but don't want to feel left out.

As the Universitites are funded by student numbers; they never complain, no matter how many halfwits are delivered to them to do Cartooon Studies, Cultural studies or Paint Management and Monitoring. They just give a First to all those who turn up, a Second to those who don't and a Douglas (don't know what the modern word for these is) to the rest who can't even remember which former Poly they are at. (Note to parents; any subject with the word Studies in it, is just trying desperately to get you to take it seriously. Resist this tempation, laugh out loud and blow the money earmarked for your offspring's tuition fees on an extended tour of Australia and New Zealand.)

Scots

Well at least the Scots are trying to do something about the ever growing problem of violent wretches who attack their teacher or each other and simply return to class after a good talking to by the Head or a one day holiday. Trouble is, any psychologist worth their beard will just announce that Wayne is suffering from attention surplus somethingorother and has special 'needs' which we must bend over backwards to accommodate. In the interests of equality, no doubt vicious elbow-toucherThelma Hoskins (67) would also find herself being assessed by some nutter who fancied being a Scientist but wasn't bright enough to do a real one.


Still, whilst the tradition of wearing a tie seems to be falling victim to Health and Safety, another one (ie making fun of kilt wearing Scots) is still going strong

Someone recently suggested that I ask teachers to send in their own stories or articles for publication on this blog. I'm all in favour of this (as it saves me writing them) and obviously they get to stay anonymous. I've actually received quite a few already, but they have all been either boring as hell or would only appeal to an eight year old. However, judging by the comments and emails I get; there are plenty of teachers out there who could write something amusing, cynical or nasty (ie in keeping with my blog), so get on with it and send them to me.

David Buth

I wish I'd thought of climbing up a tree whilst I was doing Teacher Training. The various loons in charge would have absolutely loved it. (Mind you, some toe rag would no doubt have attempted to cut it down with a stolen chain saw)

I can just see it now. Me dressed up like Robin Hood, precariously balanced on a swaying branch 30 feet up, armed only with a megaphone (and a bow and arrow to ensure discipline). Eventually though, I wood probably have had to bough to pressure from the Head to come down as the kids ran riot below; ignoring my attempts to conduct a Science Practical from my leafy lab. (What the Health and Safety people would have to say about the whole thing doesn't bear thinking about.)

Anyway, Mr Buth gives regular updates on his arboreal adventure here

I just spent my time climbing up the walls.

Footloose, Footloose...

If poor Chenille thinks that she is hard done by, then she should count herself lucky that she doesn't attend Heritage Christian School in Ohio, where they appear to be remaking the 1980s film Footloose (remember that Kenny Rogers jingle?)

Tyler Frost (who looks to be about 30 years old in the photo) has committed the heinous crime of Mixed Dancing and must now pay the price.

I've never been to Ohio (in fact I don't think I even know anybody who's been there) but stuff like this does make you worry a bit about some of the people who are sponsoring our Academies (and getting a say in what is taught in them).

Mind you, I suppose at least Tyler had learnt to read before he didn't graduate.

ps If you are now thinking of sending your offspring there, here's a link to the school website

Chenille

Sorry, I've not posted for a while- been doing some work for Chalk Enterprises' Overseas Division, sorting out the import of some rare breed pigs from a small farm near Mexico City. We've sunk all our money into this venture, so I hope it will be a success.

Ok, to be honest I just got fed up of whining about the same old problems in British Education, which lets face it; aren't likely to get better any time soon.

However, when I glanced through my email box yesterday; in amongst a whole load of junk, were a couple of tales which might amuse you.

Here's one from a teacher working in the Socialist Republic of South Yorkshire. It's a Cinderella story about a poor girl named after a type of curtain fabric, who cannot go to the Ball. Sour faced mother had spent a Kings Ransom on a 'limo' (defined in the Concise Oxford Dictionary as: a long white motor vehicle which picks up and later disgorges fat, orange people)

You can read more about it in the local paper which seems quite sympathetic to her. The locals who commented seem a bit more down to Earth however.

In Like Flynn

Like David Flinn, I once had three girlfriends; but unlike him, it wasn't their demise that caused me problems. When they all happened to meet, following a series of extremely unfortunate coincidences; it was my own death that looked like being the most likely outcome.

Meanwhile, Alex Dolan teacher and journalist might soon be Alex Dolan, Journalist. She is in trouble with the General Teaching Council for exposing the fiasco that passes for education in many schools. She carried a hidden camera and filmed a few lessons for a Channel 4 Programme at the same time that I was writing my book. (I kept my real name secret because I didn't fancy my chances of paying my mortgage as Frank Chalk, Author.)

Another teacher (Angela Mason) did a similar thing for Channel Five and believe it or not, was actually condemmed by the teachers' own Union, the NUT. She was also suspended for a year by the GTC. So there you have it; keep quiet and keep your job.

Teacher Training

I spent a year training to be a teacher in the late 1980s. Apart from a couple of months spent teaching in a school, the whole thing was an utter waste of time which I enjoyed immensely; as it was very easy and enabled me to be a student for another year, but with more money. Also, the girls were better looking than on my Degree Course.

To be honest, teaching is one of those jobs that you can either do or you can't. If the course had been three weeks long and simply involved following a few teachers and getting some useful tips, then I can't honestly say that I would have been any better or worse at the end than I was after the best part of a year sleeping through endless waffle on educational theory, didactic somethingorother, multicultural lesson plans etc. Oh and copying; sorry- writing a few essays, which of course simply regurgitated what our lecturers had said. (Actually, I could usually only speculate on what they might have said)

I recently spoke to someone who had just finished their PGCE Year enthusing about how beneficial it had been. After hearing a bit more, I realised that it sounded just like my course was 20 years ago but with new buzzwords!

Now the Government is proposing to cut the course down to 6 months and the Teaching Unions say that this is a Bad Thing.

Doublespeak

The unarguable fact that the gap between Comprehensive and Private Education has widened in the last ten years makes the slogan 'Education, Education, Education' seem very hollow indeed.

Parents, pupils and schools all play a part in this; but not to worry, the Department for Children, Schools and Families have decided that:

"Our policies are working and the gap between rich and poor is closing."

You just can't respond to that.

Up in the morning's no for me...

Dr Paul Kelley, Head of Monkseaton High School has decided that the best way to help teenagers prepare for a successful career is to allow them to lie in bed for another couple of hours each day.

Whilst his announcement was no doubt applauded by Britain's youth, alarm bells will have begun to ring in wiser heads on hearing the following logic:

Early Starts = Creation of Teenage Zombies
Therefore school should start later!

Instead of:

Early Starts = Creation of Teenage Zombies
Therefore tell the parents not to allow them to stay up so late!

The bells will have become deafening by the end of the second paragraph where we hear the dreaded words: 'Research shows' and 'profound impact'

How did we ever manage in the past?

He saves the best for last however with the revelation that pupils scored 90% in a GCSE Science Exam despite never having studied the subject. This is because GCSE Science has become an utter farce. (My dog has complained about the 'C' Grade that he was awarded.) The only sensible suggeststion is that kids need frequent bouts of exercise.

Maths and B+Q

Maths teachers up and down the Land are to be sent a little booklet showing them how to teach their subject. Apparently Ofsted, the Schools Inspectors reckon that the kids are just being taught to pass the exams.

This is of course absolutely true and has always been the case, whether it was for the 11+, the 'O' Level or whatever. For the vast majority of people, Maths just isn't very interesting and 99% of the population will never need to do any algebra or solve a quadratic equation after they leave school.

The fact is, most of them can't do the things that might be of some use. For example if are at B+Q and you want some skirting board which comes in 3 metre lengths and your room is 17 feet by 13, then a grasp of mental arithmetic and estimation might well save you an extra journey (and if I had to give one benefit of mathematics it would be avoiding a trip to B+Q)

My 60 year old handyman can do this easily, (and he left school at 15) but if you ask a selection of school leavers, most will look around helplessly until you provide a calculator which will enable them to get the wrong answer.

Try asking "what's 20% off £15?" for a similar response.

Throughout my teaching 'career' (don't laugh) pupils would ask me "why do we have to know this?" and wave a page of their textbook at me. If nothing else, I was always honest and would reply:

"So that you get a certificate which might help you get a better job, or allow you to learn more things"

Going, Going, Gone!

Every school I ever worked in had at least one dimwit in the Management Team. They were always easy to identify; just let them speak one sentence and they give themselves away.

However poor old Rachel from Pennsylvania has raised the bar by accidentally selling one of her mobile classrooms on Ebay for a dollar. Does she remind you of anyone from your place?

Andy Drzewiecki

If Andy Drzewiecki (who represented us at the Moscow Olympics in 1980 as a weightlifter in the over 105 Kg category) told me to go to the Heads office; you can rest assured that I would be out of the room faster than a falling barbell, without even a parting shout of "You never won a medal!"

Unfortunately the pupil that he did send to the Head decided to put in a complaint against him.

Now ask me, did Mr D receive the support of the Head and the Local Education Authority? No, don't be silly. He was hung out to dry.

Bathroom Cabernet

Rather than hand over my hard earned money to Tescos in exchange for a bottle of Blue Nun when Mrs C and I were invited out to dinner last Friday; I just walked round to my local hospital with a screwdriver and left with a bottle of Vintage 2006 Handwash Gel.

Surely it would be far more effective simply to make everyone take off their shoes before coming in and tramping round the wards. No doubt this would have the added bonus of offending a few people.

Barry Sheerman

Well done to Barry Sheerman for bringing up the awful situation many teachers face when they are accused of doing something wrong by a pupil (or sometimes, sadly by another teacher or classroom assistant). In the vast majority of cases, the accusation is trivial and has been made up by a wretch looking for revenge on a teacher who has confiscated their mobile phone, given them a detention or thrown them out of the classroom for being a pain. There's an article here

In every case I ever saw, it could all have been sorted out in less than an hour if all parties involved had been immediately interviewed by the Head. If a child is making false accusations then they need a severe punishment and if it looks like the teacher actually did something seriously wrong then the police could be involved.

What actually happens is that the unfortunate teacher gets suspended whilst a tediously slow 'investigation' is carried out. Months later when the pupil is found to be lying there is no comeback on them, so they cheerfully do it again.

(Incidentally it's not uncommon for pupils who have worked out how the system operates, to threaten to make a complaint against a teacher, when for example you attempt to remove their MP3 player. It' a very effective move)

Other Blogs

Winston Smith works in Social Services, but I can't help but worry that his days are numbered. He seems unable to spout politically correct nonsense and talks far too much plain common sense. I'd start looking for another job if I were him...

EggsBaconChipsandBeans is a blog dedicated to researching the Great British Breakfast. You just know that anyone who can describe a portion of chips as 'looking like salmon leaping over rocks to dive into the beans' or display his favourite condiment photograph; just has to be a good bloke.

Bob the Taxi Driver will entertain you with tales of the characters he gets in his cab, from the righteous to the wretched.

Biased BBC explodes the myth that the BBC is even slightly impartial. (In case you hadn't realised that several years ago)

The excellent Bad Science shows up the astonishing number of basic errors in both Science and Maths that can be found in every newspaper. It is also an excellent debunker of well marketed traps for the foolish such as homeopathy.

I have never found any of these in the lists of Top 100 Blogs that are sometimes published in the Sunday Papers, presumably because they don't say what mainstream journalists and their editors think that you should hear.

Excelling Against The Odds

Ofsted (who are the body in charge of School Inspections), have produced a report about how schools with a crummy intake can nevertheless do well. Have a quick look at it here

It is compulsory for all these reports to descend into gibberish at some stage and this one doesn't waste any time. I love the phrase "a disciplined focus on being learning communities"

The gist of the report is blatantly obvious to anyone with half a brain. ie schools with discipline do better than those without.

The best bit is the list of characteristics of good schools. One of them is 'Highly inclusive' but in the previous paragraph we learnt that one Head suspended 300 kids in a week! How on Earth he got that past the School Governors or the Local Education Authority is not explained.

Anyway my feeling is this:

If we know that discipline in schools is central to success, why doesn't the Government do anything at all to encourage it? Some State Schools have very successful discipline policies which work, but many have useless ones that don't. Thousands of schools up and down the Land are making the same mistakes over and over again, when we could easily have one simple, clear and consistent set of rules to be adhered to by every pupil in Britain.

Oh hang on, I wrote a book about this.

More Rhymes...

Who's that behind him, let's have a look?

It's the other Abu; the one with the hook!

Binyam

Oh joy, oh bliss, oh happy day;

Binyam Mohamed is coming to stay!

Cambridge Primary Report

Congratulations to Professor Robin Alexander who has successfully proved Chalk's 5th Law of Teaching; which states that whenever an educational academic speaks, you must immediately stick your fingers in your ears and repeatedly shout "La-La-La...".

The Cambridge Primary Review claims that there is too much emphasis on numeracy and literacy in Primary Schools to the detriment of other subjects such as Music.

I suspect the non Cambridge University Academic public would say that this is exactly what they want and that the only things Primary Schools should bother teaching are reading, writing and sums; anything else is a bonus.

We knew this a hundred years ago. My only question is: how much did the taxpayer stump up for this twaddle?

Abu Qatada

Although residentially challenged, kebab-buying Jacqui Smith is disappointed that we will be paying bearded bomber Abu Qatada a few thousand; Liberty and Amnesty International are up in arms about the prospect of the jolly jihadist being sent back to Jordan. They claim that we cannot trust the Jordanians to look after him properly.

They are absolutely right. Under no circumstances should we send poor Abu back until we have a cast iron guarantee that he will be mistreated.

Tanzania

Our Government improves results by making the exams easier each year. Tanzania has a rather different, but doubtless equally effective approach. Rumour has it that they may introduce it over here...

Geert Wilders

Doesn't this guy realise that we don't allow people with funny hairstyles into our Country even if they are democratically elected politicians from friendly countries in the EU?

Thank goodness Jaqui Smith is here to protect us from such menaces by telling him firmly that:

"your presence in the UK would pose a genuine, present and sufficiently serious threat to one of the fundamental interests of society".

Hmmm... like free speech perhaps?

Julia Robinson- A Brave Woman

It's rare that you find me using the words 'bravery' and 'Headteacher' in the same sentence, but Sheffield Head Julia Robinson certainly deserves our admiration. On taking up her post, she felt that rather than having separate assemblies for different religious groups, it might be better to just have one for everybody. (I think that most sane people would agree with that idea). Needless to say the Council recommended setting up a working party to waste time rather than just letting her make a simple decision and supporting it.

When a few parents inevitably complained, it would appear that she did not get any support and has now resigned in protest.

It is easy to go on a march or make a protest when you do not risk anything; but to resign your job over something you believe in takes great courage. How often do you hear of someone high up in a profession doing something like this? Can you imagine the Manager of a bank resigning because they are encouraged to push loans onto people too stupid to resist them? Or a High Court judge walking out because the sentencing guidelines prevent them adequately punishing a criminal, despite the fact that they routinely complain of this?

The Council should hang their heads in shame (rather than hanging their Heads out to dry); for not backing her to the hilt. She doesn't seem to have got much support from her staff or Union either.

Plea from the taxpayer-Please stop Jumping

We seem to be suffering an outbreak of springy pupils at the moment. You might remember Colin Adams who won £250 thousand when a twelve year old jumped on his back; now Sharon Lewis has upped the ante, claiming a £280 000 payout because a 13 year old jumped on her.

She claims that she is not angry at the child. I wouldn't be either for £280 grand.

There are soldiers coming back from Afghanistan and Iraq every week minus their arms or legs, receiving similar payouts if they are lucky and expressing their fierce determination to get back to work. When you compare this with 'I've been told I can't work full time again' it makes our profession once again look like a refuge for the helpless and the hopeless.

I am jealous though; loads of kids have jumped on me and I wasn't clever enough to ham it up a bit, take some acting lessons so that I could claim I was traumatised with a straight face and pick up a big cheque.

Golliwogs, Golliwogs, Golliwogs

Breaking News- The National Union of Golliwogs (NUG) has just announced that it will ballot its members on whether to take immediate strike action. A Spokesdoll today accused Carol Thatcher of displaying 'shocking cultural insensitivity' in accusing one of them of looking like a Frenchman. It is a move that will worry tacky gift shops up and down the land and raises the prospect of a mass walk out from the shelves.

Both the Association of Welsh Maids (AWM) and the militant wing of the Kilted Scottish Bagpiper Dolls Group (KSBDG) are considering whether to offer their support.

Pupils Behave Better

It's official- pupils' behaviour in the classroom is getting better so you can all stop moaning right now!

Alternatively you can fall back on Chalk's 12th Law of Teaching for guidance:

'Whenever the Educational Psychologist opens her mouth, think back to the people you met at Uni who were doing psychology and stop listening immediately.'

Let's Grind To a Halt

Apparently Europe is scoffing once again at our inability to deal with a short cold snap and a few inches of snow. I'm not going to bring up the obvious fact that if we lived somewhere that got ten feet of snow every year then we'd probably think of buying a few extra snowploughs and winter tyres too, Ulrika.

Anyway, rather than paying attention to the witterings of a nation whose greatest achievement is to produce a palindromic Pop Group, I propose that we turn this situation on its head and from now on, make it a point of national pride that we show a bit more respect for Nature and simply stop working every time it snows.

When I am in charge, salt and grit will be banned and instead each Council will have an employee on 24 hour Snowwatch throughout the year. At the sight of the first flake, sirens will sound in every town and city signalling a compulsory mass downing of tools. There will be no announcement on TV as this would only alert the underclass to the potential opportunities for crime. Hospitals have to keep going but their staff will get days in lieu.

Parents would have time to play in the snow with their children (or regret their decision to have any), whilst the rest of us can enjoy ourselves, generate a bit of valuable community spirit by getting out the shovels and give nice cosy pubs a much needed economic boost. Hoorah!

ps I wrote a letter to my Council yesterday, complaining about the exclusively white nature of the snow we had received so far. I have no doubt whatsoever that I shall receive a reply and probably an apology.

Snow Joke

The newspapers are busy calling for the mass hanging of teachers whose schools were closed yesterday. Lynch mobs are to be formed in all major cities according to this article.

Normally you'd expect me to be siding with the Snowfall Deniers and ranting about bone idle lazy lumps who can't be bothered to get out of bed, weak Headmasters cowering under their desks at the sight of the first snowflake or the rise in mass disability amongst UK residents which prevents them from walking a few miles.

Teachers of course don't decide whether their school is closed or not. Usually the Head does, or in some cases the Local Education Authority steps in and decides to shut all the schools in their area.

Whoever makes the decision however, is caught between a Rock and the Deep Blue Sea. If they keep the school open, somebody is bound to slip or get hit by a snowball and feel duty bound to try and sue the school or LEA. You could also very easily end up with the nightmare situation of 220 kids and three teachers (as many of the teachers live miles from the school) so with the rules about numbers of staff per child you might have to send them all back home again. Then you've got the possibility of road accidents which a solicitor would argue were partly due to you telling people to come in when the emergency services had advised everyone not to make any journey that was not 'absolutely essential'.

(Incidentally the only regret I have about not rising up the promotion ladder to become a Head was that I missed the opportunity to ban snowballing, or to send the kids out wearing protective goggles from the Science Lab. I would then phone up one of the papers pretending to be a parent outraged at this 'Nanny State' behaviour and send in some photos and a short video. Imagine the fun of peddling a justification and hyping up my safety concerns about the chemicals in frozen rainwater to some gullible reporter.)

Anyway, if on the other hand they close the school, then a barrage of abuse must be faced. Some parents will be annoyed because they have to go to work and take their child with them (which might be difficult if you are a Policeman or a roped access Window Cleaner). Others will be cross because their viewing of daytime TV will be disturbed and quite a few will be enraged because a newspaper or newsreader has told them to be.

There's no easy answer and in my opinion we should simply accept a couple of days disruption every decade rather than spending a fortune on the infrastructure needed to cope with these events properly.

And let's face it; if we have lost the ability to enjoy the simple pleasures of a day's messing about in the snow then we really are in trouble...

Snow

Chalk Enterprises sent out an email to all our customers yesterday, assuring them that the recent snowfalls would not affect the service they receive in any way. This proved to be an excellent idea, as many were completely unaware that they received any service in the first place.

Meanwhile the BBC have reported that schools are not doing enough for their best pupils. The truth is that many State Schools massively let down the top and bottom ends of their intake. All their resources, including the best teachers; are concentrated on the kids who are on the C/D borderline at GCSE because that is what affects the school's position in the League Tables.

Incidently, the reason why the tables matter to schools is that the higher up you are, the more nice kids you get applying and the less chance of getting swamped with the grot.

Chav Free Holidays

No danger of some foul mouthed wretch spoiling my hard earned vacation, for I am booking a Chav Free Holiday

For those of you who are not used to BBCSpeak, the phrase:

Activities Abroad made use of research suggesting certain names are often associated with particular demographic segments of the UK population translates as:

'Everyone knows that Shazney is an unemployable petty criminal who will cost the State a fortune over the course of her lifetime'

Candice is not very happy and neatly proves that most stereotypes are correct (otherwise they wouldn't become stereotypes) by proudly declaring her posession of a 'Diploma in Life Skills'. The Nobel Prize Comittee must be on red alert...

Director Alistair McLean could show your average Headmaster a thing or two. Did he immediately apologise, grovel and beg for forgiveness when complaints were made about his actions? Of course he didn't.

You will be relieved to know that Chalk Enterprises has always had a Chav Free policy. All companies that deal with us have to supply a list of their employees' first names for approval and as founder members of the Wayneforest Alliance we immediately consign any job applications from incorrectly named applicants straight to the bin. By 2011 we hope to be Chardon Neutral as well.

However, we are of course Geeko Friendly, so anybody turning up for interview who can discuss Occam's Razor, Maxwell's Equations or General Relativity is pretty much assured of a job.

Congratulations

Paul Fernandez is one teacher who has obviously taken on board the Government's constant urgings to entertain pupils.

A 2 Hours 50 Marathon dressed as a clown is a very impressive effort but the question that has been bothering me this evening is:

Which will he run fastest in? Clown or Santa outfit.

We will keep an eye on him and I can see a few bets being placed...

Richard Rose Academy

I can't work out what's going on at Richard Rose Academy. The parents are apparently up in arms about the leadership and the teachers are threatening to go on strike. Even the kids seem to be protesting (I would have loved to have been allowed to do that at school)

The parents are cross because of the shortage of teachers (just like at any other sink school) and the poor exam results (ditto) They are also not happy with the Head who has excluded (ie given short holidays to) about 10% of their offspring. None have actually been expelled. I'd say that in most bad schools the worst behaved ten percent of kids ought to be taken away (in chains) and taught in Borstal style secure establishments. Saying anything like that in teaching circles is of course forbidden and will usually trigger bouts of hand wringing and much fluttering of the Guardian.

There's a few other articles related to this school on the BBC Website, but none of them really say why the teachers or pupils are upset.

Chalk's Laws of Teaching

In response to a recent enquiry by someone who wants to put them up on his Staffroom Wall (Don't! It will only end in tears...), here's a list of them:


Chalk's First Law: "In any meeting, it is not possible to make a suggestion so ridiculous that it will not be taken seriously and earnestly debated"

Chalk's Second Law: "The frequency of 'buzzwords' and jargon in a person's speech is inversely proportional to their general competence"

Chalk's Third Law: "No new idea in teaching has ever worked"

Chalk's Fourth Law: "No situation is ever resolved to the satisfaction of all parties concerned"

Chalk's Fifth Law: "Pay no attention to what 'Research' has shown or what an 'Academic' has announced. It is invariably nonsense."

Chalk's Sixth Law: "Always judge on appearance. You will never be Politically Correct, but you will also never be wrong."

Chalk's Seventh Law: "The IQ of the teachers at a given school is proportional to the IQ of the pupils at that school."

Knives

If I'm ever fitting a piece of carpet (badly, as Mrs C will verify) and can't find something to cut it with, I always pop down to Titchfield Primary School and get one of the children to buy me a good sharp knife at the Christmas Fair, where they are much cheaper than at B&Q.

When I saw the story here, I was quite appalled (you'd think the Sun could do better than those two ruffians, wouldn't you?) and then I laughed as I recalled my Junior School teacher who used to reward whoever was first to finish their sums by sending them out to the local newsagent to buy her 20 cigarettes. If she had sent us out to buy an axe or a meat cleaver (both of which the shop owner would probably have cheerfully sold us, as long 'as long it's for Miss Jenkins, mind') I think there would have been a slight temptation to 'muck about a bit', maybe scratching a few lines into a tree, or waving it about and chasing each other making noises like a Red Indian (whilst casting uneasy glances around for any watching adult who might report us to school.)

The point I'm trying to make is that we would never have considered stabbing Paul Williams from Class 3 even if we didn't like him much. Whilst I'm sure that the vast majority of kids nowadays wouldn't either, how have we got to a point where a small but significant percentage of them will do? I know that there was a knife culture in the 1950s when my father was young, but I don't think that adults were frightened of children then.

I can't help but fall back on my usual line of reasoning that people do things that they have never been convincingly told not to do and also things that they think they will face no real punishment for doing.

Ten Grand

The government has come up with the idea of offering teachers £10 000 if they will accept a three year sentence in Britain's worst Hellholes (sorry; challenging schools). Only £5000 comes from the Government apparently; the other half comes from the school's budget, so in my old school that will soon run out.

I've come up with the idea of improving these awful schools by cracking down hard on the problem kids and their parents, so that the decent ones can actually learn something. I won't hold my breath though. Brown and Co. would much rather use our money to cover up a problem than actually fix it.

Mind you, I suppose the advertisement of a ten grand bung next to a job offer, will be a bit like a lighthouse- warning new teachers of places they should steer well clear of.

ps Somebody recently sent some good advice, urging me to explain what I was talking about at the start of a post so that you don't immediately have to click on a link to another article. Thanks for that; I think it makes good sense, so I'll try and follow it.

Ofqual

A new orgnisation called Ofqual has been set up to keep an eye on exam standards. What I don't understand is whether they are supposed to maintain them as they are now or return them to something sensible.

I can't speak for other subjects but Maths and Science are much easier now than they were 25 years ago. A combination of modular exams that can be resat, coursework where just about anything gets marks, questions that have changed from rigorous fact or calculation to waffle plus the simple measure of lowering the pass marks have improved results tremendously.

No need to take my word for it though, just ask any University lecturer in Engineering for example, about how they have had to make their courses easier over the last two decades or read the complaints here or here, from those who are desperate for employees who can read, write and do a few easy sums.

Milk and Alcohol

I thought teenagers turned to alcohol and drugs because they are good fun and very cheap and there is no incentive not to. Little did I realise that it's all down to stress at school.

Whoever did this survey has forgotten one of the most basic rules of being a teenager, which is:

The answer you give to an adult must reflect the image you wish to portray rather than have any telationship to the truth

Boring

Chritine Gilbert reckons that all our problems with naughty pupils would be solved if only we were more exciting. I was definitely a very boring teacher and never once did I dress up as a banana, juggle with kittens or saw anybody in half. (I did make quite a few baseball caps diappear however.) The only time I ever got the pupils wildly excited was if I really disliked the teacher who had to take them next.

Fortunately Mrs Gilbert is going to give schools some information to help them improve. A guide to basic tap dancing perhaps, card tricks or simple gymnastics? (subject to a 7 page Health and Safety Assessment of course).

The good news is that I have decided to apply for a position as an Ofsted Inspector; not because I believe that I have anything useful to say to the teachers, but simply because I think that it would be great fun and provide me with endless amusing stories to relate to my friends.

Watercliffe Meadow Place of Learning

I love this story as it neatly sums up the obsession so many Heads have with the most trivial nonsense (whilst ignoring any real problem.)

I don't reckon much learning goes on there either...

School's Out

This article neatly sums up the reasons I wrote my book.

It's worth bearing in mind that the official inspections agency, Ofsted doesn't think that any of the schools are failing their pupils. Imagine what goes on in the ones that are...

The Times

It's good to see that high standards of maths are being maintained at The Times

PE

This poor chap has been sacked for impersonating a 1970s PE Teacher.

Now you've always got to take what the papers say with a pinch of salt. Mostly they just copy stories from each other pretty much word for word.

Now although I'm always keen to condemn anyone who comes to work looking like a Gypo, I probably wouldn't moan if he is teaching PE from 9 till 10 then keeping his tracksuit on whilst he does an hour's Geography before heading back to the Rugby Pitch. (All PE teachers do Geography- it's the law)

On the other hand if it's one of these schools where the staff are a bunch of scruffs, then well done to the Head for demonstrating some leadership (now known as bullying), introducing a dress code and chucking out anyone who still looks like Wurzel.

Colin Adams

50 year old Colin Adams is now £250 000 richer after a 12 year old attacked him at school. Various hopeless cases did nothing to help.

Two points spring immediately to mind:

1) Any 12 year old attempting to strangle me, would do so for exactly one second before being dragged away by their ear to be locked in the stock cupboard whilst I phone the police and have a soothing cup of tea, before getting on with my next lesson. I would be perfectly confident that there would be no repercussions against me whatsoever. (Certainly nothing ever happened on the dozens of occasions when I did similar things anyway)

2) Had I realised that £250 000 might be on offer however, I would have immediately developed stress, backache and Bird Flu.

Elf and Safety

There is a constant war going on between those who work for Health and Safety and claim that their rules are only intended to keep us safe, but are constantly being misinterpreted by the incompetent (eg me) for their own ends and those who are on the receiving end of these rules and claim that they must have been dreamt up after a three hour, booze soaked lunch in order to keep vast numbers of otherwise unemployable people occupied.

This story fuels both sides of the argument.

ps 'Elf' in the title is my one concession to Xmas this year, as I'm already sick to death of it. Tacky decorations, awful songs and Santa seem to have been torturing me since late October. Roll on the New Year!

Role Models

As teachers will now have to behave themselves outside school, whilst their pupils do whatever they like, I've had to write to the GTCE to check that it's ok for Mrs C to carry on working two nights a week at our local Lap Dancing Club.

Poor sod

This could so easily have been me and I cheerfully admit to having done exactly the same on a number of occasions. It's easy to judge his actions as wrong from an armchair, but damn near impossible not to react occasionally, when it's a day in day out occurrence. Anyone who wants to criticise him ought to try and keep order in one of our hell hole schools.

Net result: one teacher with his career in ruins and a bunch of kids who have learnt that they can do anything they like.

Fishy Answers

Here's the AQA accepted answers to the question in the previous post, ie the notes that the person marking the paper would see. (Reproduced without permission)

Scientists figures based on research /calculations / data
or scientists sample whole area.

Fishermen based on impression / hearsay /experience
or fishermen fish in well-stocked / limited areas

ignore reasons based on bias

Scientists sample a wider area= 2 marks
Fishermen only fish in well-stocked areas = 2 marks
If no marks gained fishermens’ opinion and scientists’ opinion gains 1 mark

Now the point that I have spent two posts getting to is:

Do you want your kids doing questions like this or would you rather they learnt about how the fish maintains its buoyancy whilst swimming along, how it absorbs oxygen and whether it ever needs to drink?

AQA- Science Without The Science

You may have heard me make fun of the AQA and its Science without the Science syllabus. In case you are still labouring under the idea that Science has something to do with facts, here's a question from their 2007 Biology Paper. (I don't have permission to reproduce it, so feel free to sue me)

Every December the European Commission makes proposals for cod fishing quotas in European Union (EU) waters. These quotas take into account data obtained by scientists.

Scientists calculate what proportion of the cod stock is being caught each year. They do this by working out the numbers in each age-group of cod.

Every year the fishermen say the scientists are exaggerating the danger to the stocks in the North Sea. The scientists say the fishermen are threatening their own long-term livelihoods by ignoring their warnings of a collapse of cod populations.

The scientists say that fishermen go only to parts of the sea where there are a lot of cod, so they get the wrong idea of the number of cod in the whole area.

a) The scientists and the fishermen have different opinions about the size of the cod population.Explain why. (2 Marks)

My answer was that the fishermen need to go fishing to make money, so will therefore claim that there are plenty of fish. The Scientists will say that there is a disaster looming because their funding will not continue for much longer if they don't find a problem.

Unfortunately like a dodgy song at Eurovision, I scored null points. As a poor loser, my next comment was: What subject is this meant to be?

Green and Blacks

Hot on the heels of the Santa Deniers comes another exclusive revelation...

I've long been a fan of Green and Blacks Chocolate, but feel duty bound to let you in on a secret. All their 100g bars actually weigh 125g, so you are getting an unadvertised 25% extra free.

The sceptical should try weighing an unwrapped one for themselves. A useful talent of mine, which never fails to impress; is that if you tell me the colour of the end of one of their wrappers I can identify the flavour, quick as a flash. eg If you were to approach me and mutter 'Light Blue', I would astonish you by immediately replying; 'Milk!'

Believe it or not, the reverse is also true: even if you were to try and defeat me with 'Maya Gold' I would instantly shout; 'Dark Red!' and receive admiring glances from any onlookers

Santa Deniers

Santa Deniers are one of the biggest problems facing state education in Britain today. Well done to Blackshaw Lane Primary School for having the courage to take a stand on such an important issue.

When I did my PGCE we were lectured for weeks on the importance of maintaining a belief in Father Christmas (at least until some fat woman in stripey woollen tights and shoes with bangles got offended by the sexism inherent in the name 'Father')

Not In My Name...

Something struck me the other day (no, not Mrs. C) when I noticed that Inspector Gadget was looking forward to the 2 millionth 'hit' on his blog and current scourge of the Canadian Criminal Classes; Copperfield was not far behind. Both of these writers seem to represent the rank and file members of their profession. I've spoken to a couple of dozen coppers over the last few years and every one of them was familiar with the blogs and agreed that they say in public what every plod says in private.

Now my point is this: I haven't reached the million mark yet and won't do for several months, yet there are five times as many teachers as police. There can only be two possible answers to this conundrum:

a) I am not half as good a blog writer as Copperfield or Gadget.
b) I do not represent the majority of my profession.

Now much as I like and agree with both Gadget and Copperfield, I don't think that they are in a completely different league to myself. Therefore I must consider option b) which after listening to Mrs Chalk's latest tales of hopelessness from her school, may well be true. (I have also on one memorable occasion overheard a couple of teachers describing my own book as 'a disgrace')

Now don't start blubbering; I'm far too thick skinned to worry about these things and in any case, I tend to write mainly for my own amusement. However it does raise some interesting questions and maybe I should put a little caveat on the bottom of each post along the lines of 'Caution-Does not reflect majority opinion'

Anyway, enough of that; just remember not to do this in your next lesson

Exams

This old chestnut resurfaces with depressing regularity. These articles inevitably point out half a dozen people (always including Richard Branson) who did very badly at school and then did spectacularly well in later life, but forget to mention the 5 million counter examples who did very badly at school and went on to do even worse when they left. (Or the equally huge number of people who did well at school and then continued to do well afterwards.)

Even if exams are nothing more than exercises in rote learning and jumping through hoops (that's that's how I always treated mine anyway) they do separate those who can learn to do so from those who can't.

I love the statistics in the article- "77% of people do not believe that exams reflect their true intelligence". Well a survey carried out at 11 pm last night found that 100% of a group consisting of some friends and myself did not believe that a bad result in anything reflected our true ability.

Australia

I'd always thought of the Aussies as a tough, straight talking, no nonsense people. However they seem to be doing their best to prove me wrong. (Thanks to Laura for this one)

I can remember hearing similar advice in Britain about 15 years ago. Maybe it's a case of where the American hand wringers go, our sandal wearers follow; then a few years later when the average Brit has finally stopped rolling about laughing, some Australian beardie wierdie thinks "Oh that sounds like a good idea..."

Computers etc.

This is hardly news- but as the author says; imagine what they're looking at on their own computers. In fact don't.

Journalists across the land are rejoicing and thanking Allah that someone's banned Christmas at last! I was starting to worry that we wouldn't see that traditional headline this year.

Moving on to the Scottish Teacher struck off for incompetence; you would normally expect a Daily Mail style rant from me about 'standards' or something, but to be honest I can't help but think that:

a) She doesn't sound half as bad as some of the staff at my school.
b) If we sack all the incompetent teachers, who will make up the SMTs of tomorrow?

Actually when I read through the list of things that she has done, I have to admit that apart from dancing around the classroom, I've done all of them myself and I can't even spell the word 'incompetent'

Still at least Mr Hunter's daughter will be leaping out of bed in the morning now.

Gold Stars and Smiley Faces

This piece was written 12 years ago in the States; but where America has gone, we have followed.

Royal Society of Chemistry Petition

I've just received this email from the RSC.

I'd like to add something to your blog if possible - I've just spotted this after a very busy week at the RSC. I'm the Campaigns Manager at the Royal Society of Chemistry.

Our Chief Executive, Dr Richard Pike, devised the chemistry competition to throw light on the issue of declining standards in school science examinations. Let me make it clear that it's not the pupils or the teachers that we're criticising here (although we need thousands more knowledgeable, talented teachers and better school labs if we are going to make real progress) - our target is the education system that fails to stretch the brightest pupils and fails to provide the problem-solving skills that we need to stay competitive.

If you support us, and you agree that the Government cannot be allowed to simply ignore this problem, then can I ask that you sign our petition which is on the Downing Street web site, which you can find at: http://www.rsc.org/petition Thanks for posting this, and for your support.

Richard Porte
Manager Campaigns
Royal Society of Chemistry

Have a read of their petition and sign up if you agree. I hope it has more luck than mine did.

Crookes houses Sheffield

Well it's that time of year again, when students start looking for houses for the next academic year. It seems to get earlier and earlier. (I remember we didn't start looking until about Easter).

If you happen to be lucky enough to be studying at Sheffield University and wish to avoid old fashioned, damp and mouldy houses then contact this guy who comes highly recommended from a friend. His places are in Crookes which apparently is the best place to live.

Royal Society of Chemistry

The Royal Society of Chemistry is a prestigious association, which resulted from the coming together of four different organisations who could claim such scientific giants as Faraday, Rutherford, and Curie amongst their members. Nobel Prize Winner Prof Harold Kroto is its current President.

It isn't exactly renowned for wild announcements and the Government would be wise to pay attention to its claims...

Phone Fun

This is just the sort of thing I'd have got up to at school if only the technology had been available. (Except that my antics would have been a lot more shocking)

Any school that hasn't got the courage to ban mobile phones deserves all they get.

For Better and For Worse

I happily admit that I don't know much about what goes on in Primary Schools, which is probably why I can't work out how it can be that children's behaviour there has improved so much , when it's become so much worse in Secondary Schools.

Newsflash

Minister for Schools, children and something else, Ed Balls is not expected to announce the introduction of 'Kick a Ginger' Day in British Schools this week.

A Fine Mess

A central theme of this Blog has always been:

If the general public knew what really goes on in many of our schools they would march on Number Ten and burn it to the ground.

This is a good example. We are sending a strong, clear message to pupils who cannot behave in school. Unfortunately that message is something along the lines of:

"Do that again, naughty pupil and we will er... probably just tell you not to do it again"

AQA

Today's award for Buffoonery goes to keen Gary Glitter fans, and Tram Timetable enthusiasts; the AQA.

Unfortunately they forgot to check that the options on their Answer Sheet matched the questions on this morning's Science Multiple Choice Paper.

Anybody who fancies earning a bit of spare cash for marking a hundred thousand or so of these papers should give them a call.

Fat Free

I've always poked fun at the fatties but for this man, a few extra doughnuts seem to have paid dividends. Frustratingly I can't come up with a good Sun Style Headline for this one and I know that it will keep me awake tonight.

Others who should have been awake include the watchman of this oil tanker, hijacked by a bunch of clowns who didn't realise that 'Pirates of the Caribbean' was not a documentary. I can only hope that men with guns sort out Blackbeard and Co. before Gordon Brown can offer them all asylum.

The Appliance of Science

Loud bangs, electric shocks, kids' hair standing on end, flames shooting out of apparatus and evacuating the lab as it fills with smoke. These events were a regular part of my lessons (even when I only taught French).

This survey surely can't come as any surprise. Our Kids are less interested in a Science career than those from other EU countries. That's because our Science syllabus is now pretty dull and many teachers do not do any interesting practicals.

There are still teachers who do; but lots of them are put off by the endless safety guidelines that accompany every experiment, others simply don't know what they are allowed to do and a few recent recruits just find Science all a bit of a mystery.

ps After all the recent excitement, the Head from this school has decided to go for a quiet lie down (hopefully not with the Head of Geography or the Drama assistant)

Education, Education, Education

Sorry about the lack of posts, but I'm still wrestling with the cretins at '3' who no longer broadcast the internet in my area. I'm actually starting to wonder whether a former disgruntled pupil has somehow got a job as an engineer with them and is taking revenge on me. Mind you, as all my former pupils were disgruntled, tracking down the culprit will not be easy.

Here's a good post by 'Nightjack', which neatly sums up the problems in many State Schools. I can vividly remember two occasions where my boss virtually begged me not to phone the Police after a parent threatened me.

State Education suffers from two problems. The first is the behaviour of some pupils and their parents. The second is the Teachers. It is a big taboo in the profession to mention this, but we have an ever increasing number of gullible staff who have been brainwashed by their Training Courses into believing that discipline is a naughty word and that their job is to introduce endless new teaching methods whilst pandering to every whim of each child in their care.

The selection process for promotion then continues to weed out those with the courage to enforce good behaviour, leaving us with a huge number of weak Heads who are afraid to take action because they are not strong enough to resist the pressure from the Government to reduce Expulsions.

There's another article on a similar topic here, and just in case you think that I might be exaggerating the madness in our education system then have a read of this

A Truly Historic Day

Sorry I haven't posted for a bit; I was away last week and returned to find that my internet dongle from '3' could no longer pick up a signal.

I had thought that BT had cornered the market on terrible service but Three could certainly teach them a thing or two. The shop I bought it from was utterly useless and persuaded me to phone Customer Services, who directed me to 'Technical Support' which consists of half the male population of Bombay reading from a script and constantly reassuring me with "I will most certainly solve that problem for you, Sir" whilst failing miserably to do so.

Their English might not be up to much, but their command of Doublespeak could put most SMTs to shame.

NASUWT

Tough talking, standing up for ourselves, decisive action... what's going on? Don't the teachers at Movilla School know that they're supposed to just lie down and take whatever's doled out to them?

As far as I can make out, the boy was late; the teacher told him he was in detention and stood by the door at the end of the lesson to try and stop him leaving. The boy pushed the teacher's arm away and walked out. The School didn't do much about it, so the teachers refused to teach the brat. (Who is now going to be charged with assault, but still not kicked out of school)

This will happen 200 times today in Comprehensive schools up and down our country. Why? Because the pupil knows that they can.

The pupil's actions are inevitably blamed on some external circumstances. In this case the recent death of a relative, which is obviously very sad, but ignores the fact that there are plenty of other pupils in the same boat who behave perfectly well. (This 'external circumstances' excuse always makes the assumption that the boy was perfectly well behaved before the event)

There's four points here:

1) Well done to the NASUWT and its staff at that school.

2) Why aren't all the other staff supporting them?

3) Why isn't this happening at the other 199 schools today?

4) How did it all come to this? Would you have dared push your teacher's arm away and walk out of their classroom? Actually, if you are under 30, then you probably would.

60 Per Cent; how much is that, then?

The press are having a field day once again just because lots of trainee teachers can't spell or do a few easy sums.

You can have a go at the grandly titled literacy and numeracy tests here. Pen and paper may be used for the numeracy test, but despite what the Times might think; you only get four choices of spelling to help you in the literacy test if you are deaf.

Prospective teachers have to get 60% in each test, but can retake them as many times as they wish, until they have exhausted all possible combinations of answers.

Sony

Sony has decided to delay the release of its latest game because of fears that that the sound of a couple of lines from the Koran might cause offence.

This really is Political Correctness gone Mentally Challenged. The character in the picture appears to bear a startling resemblance to the Spaghetti Monster, so maybe there is scope for another religious group to get in on the act. (Although they should bear in mind that only the ones who firebomb or commit murder are allowed to have their sensitivities taken into account.)

In these troubled times, being offended has become Britain's only growth industry and we need to do everything we can to help it. I urge every one of you to get offended right now and extract compensation from foreign governments, companies and individuals. The money earned from this invisible export will be our only chance of preventing the economy from falling off a cliff.

WANTED: Nutters

For no obvious reason, this post received more comments than any other; so purely in the spirit of malicious fun, I shall use my digital Ouija board to try and summon up as many Moon Howlers, Window Lickers and Gum Popping nutcases as possible.

If you don't fall into any of the above categories, then there's no need to read any further; just skim through the comments for your own amusement. Here we go...

1) Only loonies believe that the Earth was made by a man with a big white beard 6000 years ago. Men with beards can't actually do anything, they can only host discussion groups and talk about Diversity. The Earth is actually around 4700 million years old.

2) The Earth is not flat, nor is it at the centre of the Universe. It revolves around the Sun, which appears to be a reasonably average star that orbits the centre of our galaxy about four times every billion years.

3) Evolution is a simple fact, accepted by all but the most backward inhabitant of Kansas. There are too many examples to describe here, so just look them up in any textbook. (Although probably not one published by Creation.org)

4) We are all animals. Moles, whales, single humped camels and humans are all descended from the same common ancestor.

5) We did go to the Moon and there aren't really any Yetis or UFO's.

Right, that should do the trick. Arise and come to me, fruit loops everywhere...

Olympic Games

Interesting to hear the BBC commentator tonight, blathering again about how important Lottery funding was for our recent successes at the Olympics.

Seb Coe's times at the 1984 Los Angeles Games would have won Gold at the 800 and 1500 metres this year. He didn't get any money from the Lottery...

Gardeners World

I'm going through the sidebar, cutting out dead links and planting new ones, like a demented digital gardener. If you've got any recommendations let me know. Only criteria is that they've got to be entertaining.

I've also had a few emails from people wanting to do guest articles on this blog. Needless to say the idea appeals to me immensely because it saves me from doing them. If you can write something interesting and amusing, then just send it in and let me know whether you wish to be credited or just ruthlessly plagiarised.

Assaulting Teachers

If anyone knows a bit more about this story, could they let me know please? It's not entirely clear whether the pupil did actually assault the teacher.

There are plenty of Heads and School Governors out there who wouldn't expel Hitler. If teachers had a policy of always refusing to teach a child who had assaulted one of them and insisted on involving the Police every time, then these incidents would be taken more seriously. It would also help if their Unions took out Private Prosecutions when the CPS can't be bothered to do so.

None of this will ever happen, so these events will continue to be brushed under the table.

(I also ended up being brushed under the table last weekend at the Iraqi Beer Festival)

Guantanamo Bay

This is shocking and totally inappropriate

I suggested it two years ago in my book and the school hasn't even thanked me. What sort of behaviour is that?

Banking Collapse

Normally I send all the money that I earn from royalties straight to the Nigerian Bank owned by my good friend Dr Ngugu, who first contacted me via this website. He set the bank up himself, so that he could help some local orphans whose parents had died in a plane crash. My account has $374 000 000 in it and I must get round to withdrawing some of it soon so that I can buy one of these.

With all the present turmoil in the banking sector however; I decided to play it safe and look elsewhere. I wouldn't trust some fat druggie from Iceland, so after considerable research, I plumped for the Japanese Bank of Sumo. Imagine my distress to learn this morning that they have gone belly up. I’m very upset by this as I nearly invested in Sushi Bank, but thought that there was something fishy about them. I've also heard that the National Bank of Origami has folded...

Feel free to add your own. There's loads more from the 1990 collapse but I can’t remember them all.

Jamie Oliver

Imagine my shock when I turned on the telly the other night and these horrors leaped out at me. Jamie Oliver (who appears to be wearing a fat suit in order to blend in with the natives) has gone to Rotherham in order to teach them how to cook.

He was talking to some wretch who couldn't be bothered to learn how to cook for her 22 kids and preferred instead to sit in front of a colossal plasma screen TV bathed in the flickering blue light of ignorance whilst counting her Benefit Cheques. Why he didn't just pull out a gun and shoot her, I'll never know.

The man has the patience of a Saint. If I had half as much money as he does, I'd be swanning around on my yacht in the Med, surrounded by beautiful women, drinking cold beer and eating olives (me not them).

I've been to Rotherham once and can say that at least it is better than nearby Doncaster.

Lottery

The government seems determined to randomise the intake of schools, which will come as a bit of a blow to those of you who have spent their hard earned money moving to a nice area near to St. Goodboys School in the hope that your child might receive a decent education.

The flip side of course is that if you presently live on Hell St. then your children might be given a lifeline and selected for a decent school, which has the potential to dramatically change their life for the better.

Unfortunately this is another of those nice warm, cozy ideas which are always dreamt up by those in Public Office who can avoid any nasty unpleasant realities. In the Real World, all decisions involving large numbers of people need to be looked at from a statistical point of view. The inescapable conclusion is that although there will be a few success stories; on average Kyle plucked randomly from the Grottville Estate has a low IQ and will not get any support from his bovine mother or from her succession of partners who will only seek to guide him into petty crime. Therefore he will utterly waste his place at St. Goodboys.

This is the place that could have been taken by Mr and Mrs Smith's child Daniel, who instead ends up at St. Thickchilds in a class full of Ritalin Rattlers led by a Supply Teacher. With a great deal of support from his concerned parents, he might just about scrape through and get a place on a Comedy Studies course at Scagtown Institute of Further Time Wasting. (On the other hand he might easily sink into the abyss)

At St. Goodboys he would have gone on to study something sensible at a good University.

ps don't bring any Bats into school either.

Barcelona!

I'm glad this lot went on a jolly to Barcelona, but the idea of "enhancing creative teaching and cultural awareness" makes me feel quite ill.

Talking of being ill, please note that teachers should now be able to accurately diagnose appendicitis, (Doesn't mother look like she has been slapped by a wet fish?)

Hands Off

I reckon you should keep your hands off your Sixth Formers. After all, you have been put in a position of trust and to take advantage of that has always struck me as being a bit sad. (Mind you, I wouldn't go anywhere near Chris Keates either. Look at that face; it could stop a clock.)

I can't help but hold a sneaking admiration for Richard Mercer, Head of Edensor College trying to wangle a jolly for his staff in Marbella last week. There's never any outcry over the thousands of pounds wasted sending people on daft courses throughout the year. If only he'd had a bigger pair and not backed down...

I do like this story though

Cane Dwayne

22% of Secondary Teachers would support a return of the cane in extreme circumstances, according to a recent survey. (The other 78% saw no reason to wait for the extreme circumstances)

I only whacked a handful of kids in my time (mainly because the practice had been banned two years before I started work) but it's one of those ideas that appeals greatly after some obnoxious wretch storms out of your classroom swearing at you as he leaves. (ie every lesson in many inner city schools)

The reality of course is that only the nice kids would actually stick their hands out to get whacked. The bad ones would just tell you to F*** off and then we are back to square one. (Shortly afterwards their equally wretched parents would storm into school, summoned by mobile phone; to bang on the Head's door, shouting and raving moronically). That's one reason why a smaller percentage of Heads support the idea. (The other is that to get promoted to the top in schools you usually have to be a wimp with more interest in Diversity than Discipline).

If you want to hear my solutions then go out and buy my book.