Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Chav Free Holidays

No danger of some foul mouthed wretch spoiling my hard earned vacation, for I am booking a Chav Free Holiday

For those of you who are not used to BBCSpeak, the phrase:

Activities Abroad made use of research suggesting certain names are often associated with particular demographic segments of the UK population translates as:

'Everyone knows that Shazney is an unemployable petty criminal who will cost the State a fortune over the course of her lifetime'

Candice is not very happy and neatly proves that most stereotypes are correct (otherwise they wouldn't become stereotypes) by proudly declaring her posession of a 'Diploma in Life Skills'. The Nobel Prize Comittee must be on red alert...

Director Alistair McLean could show your average Headmaster a thing or two. Did he immediately apologise, grovel and beg for forgiveness when complaints were made about his actions? Of course he didn't.

You will be relieved to know that Chalk Enterprises has always had a Chav Free policy. All companies that deal with us have to supply a list of their employees' first names for approval and as founder members of the Wayneforest Alliance we immediately consign any job applications from incorrectly named applicants straight to the bin. By 2011 we hope to be Chardon Neutral as well.

However, we are of course Geeko Friendly, so anybody turning up for interview who can discuss Occam's Razor, Maxwell's Equations or General Relativity is pretty much assured of a job.

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

What a "Chavesty" can't hardly go anywhere now without being surrounded by bloody chavs. You do all know that CHAVS stands for "Council House And Vermin Scum" and yes that is true. I think anyone wearing a track suit, reebok classics and fake gold chains, with a baseball cap should be shot on sight! They really are nothing but scum.

Lilyofthefield said...

Au contraire. Chav is a state of mind. I can think of several subjects whose socio-economic standing excludes them from your definition but whose self-centred, short-attention-spanned, substance-abusing, antisocial disregard for anyone's convenience but their own makes them immediately identifiable as chavscum.

Happy to post links to reports of qualifying subjects.

Anonymous said...

"The e-mail triggered a wave of publicity and controversy after it was reported the email had offended some of the company's customers."

Brilliance, no publicity is bad publicity.
Good for them

Anonymous said...

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/business/firm-offers-'twat%11only'-activity-holidays-200901281539/

Anonymous said...

It's about time someone stood up for the middle classes. The term 'middle class' has become synonymous with negativity whenever it's used. We get blamed for everything.

Anonymous said...

I'll certainly be booking my next holiday with them. Job done.

Lilyofthefield said...

Anonymous 02:16
I had never heard of The Daily Mash. I have laughed so hard that the chest infection I am presently off work with feels likely to turn terminal.

Anonymous said...

anonymous, NO self-respecting Chav scum would be seen with fake jewellery.
Gotta be 9ct stuff, preferrably from Argos and has to be work in bulk, especially round neck and up ears. For ladies, hoop earrings (da biggr, da betta) and scraped-back hair are the thing.And, of course 9if over the age of 11) a chav-clad little dribbler wif no dad in sight.

inspectorgadget said...

I understand Chav to mean the Cheltenham Average.

Anonymous said...

i would have thought the use of words like "negativity" was associated with chavness

Just Me said...

Thoughts for the day:

What do you call a CHAV in a box?

Innit

.......

What do you call a CHAV in a filing cabinet?

Sorted?

Oh and didn't you know? It's no longer Argos, it has rather aptly been renamed by people who actually *have* a brain cell, CHAVgos

Lilyofthefield said...

What do you call an Eskimo chav?
Inuinnit.

What do chavs use for protection during sex?
A bus shelter.

Carol Ferndale said...

I know what Occam's Razor is, I'm more or less OK with Maxwell's Equations (I have a particular soft spot for Gauss's law), and I am more au fait with special relativity than general relativity.

But I'm still not entirely sure what people mean by the word "chav". Isn't it just a way of attacking young people from poorer sections of society?

Bridge said...

"I own my own business, have a post graduate degree, an undergraduate degree, 4 A-Levels, an advanced diploma in Life Skills, a diploma in Performance Coaching, GCSEs, speak French and Italian and drive a Merc. Happy slap that".

Advanced diploma in life skills? I take it the irony of that statement is lost on her as she zips round the M25 in her Merc, while multi-tasking between makeup application and texting.

Anyone care to take a wager on her own business being a hairdresser?

Quick Home Sale UK said...

Harsh... Speechless...

Quick Home Sale UK said...

I could not get over this site! How come its not updated anymore?