On Massage

I can vividly remember the day when as a fifth Former (sorry; year 11 nowadays) I went to see the headmaster (sorry; headteacher nowadays) to ask if he could arrange for a good looking lady to give me a good rubbing in order to perk me up before my 'O' Levels (sorry...)

I staggered out of his office, ears ringing from the barrage of blows.

How times have changed

Strike

Anyone who reads this blog will know that I believe the main purpose of the 75 teaching unions is to protect and assist those who are utterly useless at their job. There is no excuse for incompetence so lame that they will not embrace and celebrate, nor any great leader that they will not race to accuse of 'bullying'

As for Thursday's strike, my opinion as you might imagine is simple:

The whole thing sums up the wishy-washyness I hated so much about teaching.

If you want something then get everyone together, go on strike and stay out until you get what you believe you deserve. I'd respect that whether I thought the demand was right or wrong because it shows determination, courage and strength.

Half hearted one day efforts can simply be dismissed by the Government. The only reason any schools are closing is because Heads invariably take the easy out and shut the school (invoking the magic genie of 'Health and Safety') whether its a millimeter of snow or three teachers not turning up. With the numbers that are usually off sick anyway, most schools wouldn't even notice.

Keep Your Hair On!

I can't quite understand this case. Did the Council really sack him for being bald? Is he suing them because his hair has fallen out as a result of teaching? Or is he just stark raving mad?

Either way; if I had been the judge, I would have been unable to resist the temptation to insert the phrase: 'Hair today, gone tomorrow ' into my summing-up speech.

Mind you, I suppose that's why I'm not a judge.

The real problem here, which is hidden underneath all the lunacy; is that so many schools have lost all concept of discipline so the kids feel free to openly abuse the staff to their faces, for the simple reason that they know that nothing will happen to them.

A simple comparison- when I was a kid, we had a bald teacher at school who everyone made fun of. However, only behind his back or when he wasn't looking; for the simple reason that had he caught you, he would have caned/ whacked you with a slipper or ruler/ given you 1000 lines or put you in detention for a month whilst you carefully copied out half a textbook.

It makes you realise just how far we've fallen.

Hats

A quick phonecall has established that the last post should have been about 'Hats' and not 'Cats'. Frankly it doesn't really matter as I can't listen to that sort of stuff for more than 10 seconds without screaming. A whole industry has grown up around the idea of churning out guff to captive audiences and I want to be part of it.

For a modest fee, a representative of Chalk Enterprises will come to your school, talk rubbish for a couple of hours and get you playing some simple games. We will offer a cast iron guarantee that the day will be no use to you whatsoever, but it will all be very warm, safe and comforting and you will feel like you are eight years old again.

Actually, thinking about it, an even better idea would be for me to turn up personally, so that you could shout at me, tear up a few exercise books and generally vent your frustrations. I could say patronising things like 'Let's get into small groups and investigate different methods of learning' and you could all scream abuse. I would also provide you with a liberal supply of eggs, rotten fruit and tennis balls. I reckon I might be on to something here...

Enough of that; it's NUT conference time and they are balloting about strike action. Not effective strike action, ie get together with the other 57 Unions and have every teacher in the land downing tools and not coming back until they get a pay rise, some decent working conditions and a few brats expelled; goodness me no, a one day strike which can be safely ignored by the Government.

They are also up in arms about the military recruiting in schools and are outraged that they only tell the kids about the best bits (skiing, windsurfing and shooting people) I believe that is called advertising. The Accountancy company that visited Mrs Chalk's school also forgot to show people working through the night at the end of the Tax Year in their presentation. Let's face it; the teachers who attend these conferences are invariably beardy weirdies (of both sexes) with no hobbies to persue in the holidays. They hate the military with a vengance, because it opposes the things they stand for (beards, dangly earrings and facial ironmongery)

Here's my take on it (from last year) which will doubtless prove unpopular:

If you are born into the Underclass, doomed to attend a dustbin of a school, then a career in the Army might well be your only ticket out of the slums. Yes, if you are unlucky you might be shot by some toerag in Iraq or Afghanistan; but if you manage to avoid that unfortunate outcome, then you can pick up a decent pension after 22 years or look for another employer who will snap you up, knowing that unlike most applicants; a) you will actually turn up to work and b) you will get on with things that you might not want to do without moaning too much.

Alternatively you could of course just remain in the Estate from Hell, where there are no employers and you stand a good chance of being shot by a rival drugs dealer or ending up behind bars for most of your life. The NUT would like to remove your only hope of escape.

Training Day

The end of term can only mean one thing- the celebration of madness that is Training Day. I have received the usual collection of emails describing the horrors that teachers can be subjected to in the name of 'Diversification', 'Cross Curricular Linkage' and the inevitable 'Gender Somethingorother' to name but three forms of torture that are still being used on teachers across the country.

These forms of madness are usually indicative of a weak SMT, who lack the courage to stand up and shout;

'Shut up Fool! This is crazy talk. Get out of my School!' when some well meaning, buckle shoed woman with dangly earrings from the Council proposes that the day be spent doing role play.

One of the best reports was from a school which decided to pay for a lady to come and talk about how different coloured cats could make you think in different ways. (I heard this on the telephone at 11.30 pm punctuated with bursts of hysterical laughter, so do forgive me if I've got any details wrong) Apparently if you have the red cat, then you have to shout out your feelings (I can imagine what mine would be), a green cat means that you use lateral thinking, a black cat means that you tend to be cynical and some other cat means God knows what. Anyway they spent the afternoon doing this whilst the naive and gullible lapped it up, making copious notes and vowing to use it in their lessons, the lady went away a bit wealthier, the Head pronounced it all a great success and the wise just sobbed gently into their hands.

As these events are such a rich vein of madness, I've set up a link to this post on the Sidebar so that your Training Day Tales will live forever.

News

Sorry I've not posted for a few days but I got stuck inside my divan bed whilst playing hide and seek with my nieces. It was a stupid hiding place- God knows where they got the idea from.

Here's a quick roundup of the latest daftness going on in schools:

1) Parents are lying to get their children into decent schools Well blow me down! Of course they do; they make up false addresses, rent flats in the school's catchment area for six months and pretend to live there, print out fake Council Tax bills on their computers and even offer money to complete strangers if they will claim to have done a house exchange. They promise a donation towards the new school minibus or if all else fails, offer the Head some cash over a quiet drink.

I know all this because I have shown friends how to do it. My advice is simple: do whatever it takes to send your child to a decent school.

2) Pupils who make malicious allegations against teachers should be put on a list Absolutely right and the numerous Teachers Unions have been saying that for years and will continue to say it for ever more, but do absolutely nothing. They could set up their own website tomorrow if they wanted to. In fact feel free to use the 'Rate My Pupil' section on my blog.

It's the same story with the endless moaning about the Rate my Teacher website. Sabotaging it or rendering it completely useless would be easy, but would require action which is always harder than just complaining.

3) Schools Minister Jim Knight thinks that classes of 70 are just fine He is as mad as a fish. My Granny was taught in classes of up to 100 and can read and write better than your average 16 year old (despite leaving at the age of 11) but their teachers simply beat the living daylights out of the naughty kids, whereas we are told to empathise with them and dream up excuses for their attitude. I've taught classes of 7 and been unable to prevent screaming mayhem. Most teachers in crap schools are ashamed to admit this sort of thing, but if you are a parent then it's important that you realise that it happens every day.

Shannon Matthews

Thankfully Shannon Matthews is now back safe and sound (ie not with her mother).

Well done to the Police for finding her, after tirelessly searching 2431 residences in the area. Apparently more than two thirds were occcupied by her mother's partners, ex partners, uncles, cousins and stepfathers. (Some by all of the above).

Constructing the family tree was the most difficult part of this operation, requiring many hours on the new Police Supercomputer. Unfortunately the three CDs on which it was stored have already been lost by the Home Office.

Look, can somebody please do us all a favour and adopt this poor kid?

Today

The Today Programme emailed me (they don't know I'm nuts) because of a story in the news claiming that some schools are breaking the rules regarding admissions policy. These schools allegedly ask parents naughty questions about their marital status or financial background, and some apparently even ask for money. Read about it here

My own view is that any Head who doesn't do all of this and more is a complete fool. I've seen it done loads of times (but usually with more subtlety) and I'm sure you have too.

Anyway they would like to talk to anyone who has any experience of this and they assure me that all communication will be treated in the strictest confidence. (Make sure you get them to confirm this in writing and don't enter any naming competitions either)

If you want to tell them anything then email today@bbc.co.uk (Put ‘schools’ in the subject header).

Wizard of Oz

A whole pile of reviews from the Aussie Press arrived today with one or two gems for your amusement. My favourite was from Christopher Bantick, an education commentator writing in the Melbourne Daily:

"This book is one of the most dismal, morale deadening, defeatist and utterly miserable accounts of teaching that you're ever likely to encounter"

I think that's a great turn of phrase and will shamelessly use it myself. He goes on to add:

"This book reflects the life of a loser who should never have entered the classroom"

Well I can't argue with that.

Fortunately he has some good advice for those just starting out in teaching:

'Take risks and live out your calling' which sounds great to me. Our Teacher Recruitment people will be knocking on his door before long. Poor old Ceri will be out of a job.

Anyway, I've emailed Christopher to see if he would be interested in writing a forward for my next book, but haven't heard back yet.

All Night Long

It can't be coincidence that the Government is going to encourage 24 hour drinking, just as Harry comes home from the Big 'A'.

Maybe this was a bad time for Lord Coe to announce that there will be a 'Down in One' competition in the 2012 Olympics.

ps. A quick look round my local supermarket revealed 3 Litre bottles of 'Playground' Cider for just £2.59

How To Be Top

If you have just started off in teaching, then you will be pleased to learn that becoming a Headteacher (don't forget that you mustn't call them Headmasters or Headmistresses any more) is easy. Just follow the guide below:

1) Be ridiculously over enthusiastic from day one. Go round with an inane grin on your face and tell everybody how happy you are to be a teacher. Deny any problems and when asked how you are getting on with Wayne, just laugh like a loon and say that he is "Quite a character!" rather than snarling with rage and shouting; "I hate the little f**ker!"

2) Agree and adopt every new strategy with enthusiasm, no matter how ridiculous. Nod your head vigorously throughout every meeting until it is in danger of falling off into your lap.

3) Clear from your mind the naive idea that only things that might actually succeed should be attempted. Ticking the right boxes is all that matters. Never, ever ask the question "But will that actually work?"

4) Come up with lots of ideas, plans and strategies of your own. Do not waste time considering whether or not they are any good or even if they make sense, just get suggesting them.

5) Make sure your PC credentials are up to speed. Adopt an Anti-Bullying policy and put up some posters of famous Ginger Scientists in your classroom. Say the words 'gender' 'differentiation' and 'holistic' a lot, even if like me; you have no idea what they mean. Pick a physical challenge that the average grandmother could manage and pester everyone for money. ke sure that it is for a fashionable charity that does not have anything to do with men or bottoms.

6) Go on every course you can. Most are utterly worthless. People are either leaders or they are not, but going on some two day 'workshop' looks good and that is all that matters.

7) Above all, do not rock the boat. If your head of department will not back up your request for the immediate expulsion of Darren for spitting on you, just keep quiet about it. If another teacher says that they won't teach Chesney any more because he has told him to f**k off and the Head will not do anything; then under no circumstances must you support them by refusing to teach Chesney either.

Feel free to add any of your own.

Night Nurse

Terrible news today that nine out of ten nurses wouldn't even consider having an affair with one of their patients.

The prospect of a hospital stay terrifies me and I would never expect to get out of one alive. Uncleaned wards full of nasty medicine-resistant bugs. You can't drink and by all accounts the food is disgusting. The only thing that would stop me committing immediate hara-kiri would be the prospect of non-stop, Red Hot Nurse Action.

Now it appears that even this will be denied me. I shall quietly expire at home instead.

Truancy

So the truancy figures haven't gone down after ten years of throwing money down the drain. Here's what should happen in my opinion:

Pass a simple law that says any child found truanting should be arrested along with their parents and made to spend a whole day from 8 until 6 in a blank room with no windows, doing the most boring activities that the teacher (who swaps every hour) can come up with. Parents employers informed, £50 fine taken from wages or Benefits. Believe me they would never, ever do it again. Total cost- a couple of million in overtime for the teachers.

Here's what happens at the moment:

Pupil truants and parents deny it, come up with some lame excuse or just say that they can't control their brat. If the pupil truants repeatedly (say 500 times) then the school can beg their Education Welfare Officer to beg the Council to take the parents to Court. The EWO finds some reason why she can't do it so the teachers beg again, and again. A year later the EWO eventually agrees.

Six months later...

Council decline to take parents to Court. (Parent is mad/has promised to improve/is drunk)
Pupil truants another 500 times, school begs etc.
Council take parents to Court. Parents given a stern warning to improve.
Pupil attends school for a month.
Pupil then starts truanting and the whole process starts all over again. (Unless the child is in the last two years of school in which case nobody even bothers as the Council won't try to prosecute because of the time delay in going to court.)

Total cost of various ludicrous initiatives, vandalism, muggings and burglary committed by truants-£Billions.

Hmmm...

Well, so much for the Telly. I thought they edited out all the good bits and just showed me as a whining teacher, or even worse 'a victim'; which is certainly not what I wanted.

Still I suppose that's the viewpoint they were after, and as more experienced people have said; you get what they wish to portray, not what you want to say. I was probably naive to imagine anything else, so hey-ho.

It's pretty dumbed down TV though isn't it? I'd never seen it before.

The Man on the Telly

If you're not doing anything tomorrow (Wednesday) at seven, you can see me ranting incoherently to Angelica Bell on the One Show (BBC1). We filmed for about twenty minutes and they will edit it down to about four, so I've no idea what it will be like. Hopefully they will keep in the bit where I leap in front of Angelica to save her from being eaten by a crazed dog. Well that's my side of the story anyway...

Oh. I'm the one with the red woolly hat. It was freezing.

Ashes to Ashes

If your average Head was a bit more like Gene Hunt and a bit less like Frank Spencer, then we would not need to spend a small fortune on teacher recruitment adverts.

Turn Your Talent To Teaching

I heard one of the new teacher recruitment adverts today on the radio. A cheerful sounding fellow was explaining about how many galaxies there were to a spellbound class (apart from one wag who very politely asked had he seen them all, Sir?) He claimed to have once been an astrophysicist, which got me thinking:

How many ex-astrophysicists are teaching in the State Comps?

Maybe if you had been caught pointing your telescope at the local gym's outdoor aerobics class, then I suppose you might be asked to look elsewhere for a job. Although to be fair, the Government seems to be doing its best to get scientists to consider other careers by cutting £68 million off the Science budget

Also, if you made a joke about calling a galaxy 'Fred' to a group who were intelligent enough to be listening, then I don't think they would politely laugh; I reckon they would just think that you were a prat.

Five Live

Five Live had a piece this morning about a new Government advertising campaign designed to attract 'high flyers' into teaching. They had a nice teacher from a good school, who had helped produce the adverts, opposite a raving loony from Hell Comp who believed that if we had some discipline in schools then we probably wouldn't need an expensive TV adverts; we'd be fighting off hordes of prospective teachers with a big stick.

During our discussion, I started to give an example of a pupil misbehaving in class and how easy it is for a single disruptive child to utterly destroy your lesson. The other teacher replied with genuine puzzlement:

'Well I'd just tell him to stop and he would'

I think he was serious and maybe it is as simple as that in his school. I pointed out that in my dump, the child wouldn't even bother to aknowledge that you had said anything, but I started to get that age old feeling once again, that there is such a huge gap in the public's (and many teachers') perception of what it's really like trying to teach in a sink school and just how bad some of our customers can be. After all, that's why I wrote my book.

Anyway, you can probably listen to it again if you can get the site to work. It was around 8.30 am. As with all interviews, you always think of much cleverer things to say, five minutes after you've been cut off. Feel free to point these out.

Well, Burger Me!

McDonalds are offering 'A' Levels? It burgers belief!

Send me some more lines, so I can do a proper post.

One Day At A Time

One of the numerous teaching unions, the NUT; is holding a ballot of its members to see if they want to hold a one day strike.

This is the sort of approach that we always see in teaching:

When there is a problem, first have a meeting, then get everybody's opinion.
Then do something that is completely ineffectual, but which is designed to make everyone feel like they are making a tough stand and taking firm action.

The main problem in teaching nowadays isn't the money, it's the working conditions. The low status, the mindless paperwork and weak leadership. The constant dumbing down of exams, the stifling PC culture and the fact that there are brilliant and inspiring teachers working alongside utterly useless ones for exactly the same pay. Most importantly of all; the appalling behaviour of so many pupils and their parents, which ruins what should be the best job in the World.

If you want more from your employer, then you either have to convince them that you are worth it, or threaten them sufficiently that they have to capitulate. A one day strike by a minority of teachers does nothing except irritate a few parents.

Minority Report

I have long held an interest in Minority Sports. I don't mean swimming in a Burkha, or stoning your wife; I mean sports that tend not to appeal to a wide audience and have little or no prize money. As a result they do not require hugely expensive high tech equipment and have tended to preserve values of sportsmanship that have utterly disappeared from many more popular ones. (OK, with the possible exception of Rugby)

Anyway, last weekend I was talked into supporting my friend, Jimmy who was doing an event called the Thames Path Ultra. This, believe it or not; is a 50 mile running race from Reading along the Thames towpath.

My job was arduous indeed; I had to drive between the checkpoints and meet Jim at pre-arranged locations where I was to be ready with both refreshments and encouragement.

That was the theory anyway. What actually happened was that the whole area was deluged with rain the week before, so much of the path was actually under water. The runners therefore had to navigate around the flooding, risk life and limb; or do both. It didn't make my task any easier, driving around with my TomTom urging me to 'Turn left now!' down what appeared to be a boat launching ramp into a lake.

What amazed me (apart from the fact that 200 people had chosen to attempt it on a rainy January day) was the sheer camaraderie and good will between the runners and also between their supporters. All the competitors, many of them soaking wet and covered in mud; received a rousing cheer as they passed and I got so caught up with the whole thing that I gave away most of the food and drink that I had brought for my good friend. Fortunately Jim felt too rough to eat anything, so I managed to escape his wrath.

What on Earth persuades anyone to do something like this? I spoke to several runners at the start and was very surprised not to see anyone howling like a wolf, muttering to themselves or sticking pencils in their ears. They all seemed very happy and excited and couldn't wait to be off. Many were obviously veterans of this type of event, with their miniature backpacks (there was a minimum emergency kit list that had to be carried) patched with duct tape, torn Ron Hills and shoes that had clearly seen some serious mileage. (One man was laughing at anothers tale of getting hopelessly lost on a recent training run that had started and finished in the dark) Others with cleaner and newer looking kit, seemed rather more worried about what they had got themselves into and were shuffling towards the back of the starting lineup.

When I spoke to a few more at the end, I was struck by their modesty-despite having achieved something few of us can even contemplate (virtually a double marathon over pretty awful terrain) there was none of the hysterics that you see when a footballer scores a goal, instead I heard comments along the lines of 'Yeah, I had a few bad patches' (This from a man who had blood oozing from his shoe and appeared to be wearing the remains of his last meal on the front of his top.) Nobody moaned that the checkpoints were 10 miles apart and only gave out water. The race organiser was clearly one of those rare people who put tedious 'Health and Safety Regulations' secondary to the idea of 'You're an adult- take responsibility for your own actions.'

The whole thing was a very refreshing glimpse of a side of humanity that often goes unnoticed. (Especially on my blog.) ie acts of simple generosity, kind words and the sharing of limited resources. I think part of it is moving out of your comfort zone, which we never ever have to do in the modern centrally heated World. Even when I helpfully said: 'Keep going. You're looking good!' to a man who was on his hands and knees in the mud, retching; I received nothing more than a wry smile.

Anyway, well done to Jim and all the others who took part in something which I can honestly say; quite moved me.

ps Those of you who have suggested that my titles are shameless attempts to misdirect people looking for other topics; are of course correct.

If You Want To Know The Time...

The very best of luck to all those Plods marching on Whitehall today. Readers can show your solidarity with the Police by stopping the next one you see and telling them all about the abusive text messages that you have been receiving from your ex partners new ex.

Learning From Johnny Foreigner

We can learn a lot from other Countries; for example, how to eat animals we never thought were edible and ingenious new ways of requesting a stranger's bank details.

I'm all for following the The Germans (even though at the back of my mind, I do wonder whether it's just a way of sneaking an advance party into Russia) and The Americans are on to a great idea here.

Feel free to submit any more examples of good overseas practice (and I shall investigate them as part of my Diversity Training)

Country Ways

Herefordshire County Council have backed down on their plan to close or merge 37 schools across the County, probably due to much protesting by the locals. I'm not going to pretend that I know a great deal about all this, but I do know one thing.

As a general principle, smaller schools are better for kids than massive schools. In small schools, the teachers know every child and a fair number of the parents. In a big school the children are simply statistics.

However big schools are cheaper so that usually ends the argument.

Hitler, That Well Known Anti German

Jacqui Smith has shown her determination to monopolise all this week's posts by renaming Islamic terorrism as 'Anti Islamic Activity'

That should solve the problem. Osama will be quaking in his boots.

Let's not hear any mention of 'Newspeak' nor any suggestion that she should be renamed as 'Unemployed'

The Very Highest Double Standards

Jacqui Smith has announced that she would be frightened of walking streets of London alone at night. I would be too, but isn't it her job to make sure that the streets are safe at night?

Imagine the outcry if say, the Education Secretary said that they were sending their children to a private school because the Comprehensives where they live are terrible? It just couldn't happen.

Heavy Metal

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has announced that metal detectors will be used in some schools to try and prevent pupils bringing in knives. Like all ideas we need to think about how it could actually work in practise.

Let's assume that it takes on average 30 seconds per child (by the time they've triggered the damn thing with pencil sharpeners, belt buckles, watches etc and had to go through again, then triggered it again, then refused to go through it again, stormed off and returned with their mother who will want to complain about radiation, rights or something...)

Let's also assume that we are given two detectors so that we can use two entrances at the same time. With our 900 pupil school, we should be able to get everyone inside in just 3 hours and 45 minutes. So if we can make a prompt start at quarter to nine, then we will be finished by 12.30 just in time for lunch. Pupils found to be carrying knives will then be given a 20 minute detention. (Attendance optional)

Let's not hear any talk of ceramic knives, baseball bats, or chair legs and don't even think about windows or Fire Exits.

Doctor Who?

This article alleges that:

The bogus Irish International University (IIU), which offers sub-standard and worthless degrees, has been allowed to flourish in the UK - virtually unchecked by the government - for the last seven years'

Basically, they rip off a load of foreign students and give them a bit of paper which will make an employer double up with laughter. Shouldn't we be encouraging this? Most former Polytechnics have been busy offering sub-standard and worthless degrees for years. Cultural Studies anyone?

Prof. Frank Chalk (Dr. of Lettuce...er Letters)

You Gotta Have Faith

The Times reports that middle class parents (ie the ones that care about their children's education) are pretending to be deeply religious in order to get their children into Faith schools, which on average are much better than non faith schools.

Several friends of mine have had their child baptised and become best pals with the local vicar or priest, even though they have no more belief in Religion than I do. As you might have come to expect, my view on all this is quite simple:

The kids may well get indoctrinated, but at least they'll be able to spell it.

Mind you, nobody is pulling the wool over the eyes of the Teaching Union, NUT. They have spotted that: 'Faith schools discriminate against pupils from non religious backgrounds.'

Economics Lessons

This brat has been taught that you can steal £44 and if you are unlucky enough to get caught then you must pay back £75.

Sounds pretty good odds to me.

English Lessons

Whilst I wish Mrs Gorman had been my English teacher, I can't help but wonder whether the punishment have been different if she had been male and the Sixth Former, female? Perhaps Mr Caudle-Wood can tell us? (When he gets out)

Soft Options

Soft 'A' Levels? How can anybody claim that Leisure Studies is an easy option compared with say Further maths? Oh, ok then.

The real scandal is that 35% of the students who take Further Maths are from Private Schools, despite the fact that only 7% of kids attend them. The Comps just can't attract teachers who are able to teach it, or teach students to a high enough level that they can even attempt it.

R.I.P.

Oh no, I've just discovered that George MacDonald Fraser died last week. I slept through History at school because it was as dull as ditchwater and this brilliant author of the Flashman series of books is the only reason I know anything about the subject at all. He was banned in countless libraries and when the first book was published in the US several of the reviewers thought it was a genuine biography.

There are dozens of great Flashman quotes, one of my favourities being:

'Somebody screamed in terror- fortunately nobody heard me.' and

'You think twice about committing murder when you're over 70'

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to you all. I know this is a bit late, but I've been skiing. If you ever go away with Crystal Holidays, please bear in mind that it appears to be a pre-requisite of their Reps that they are utterly helpless in all situations and unable to speak one word of the local language.

Guardian of Law and Order, and winner of the 'Best Police Inspector's Blog 2007' award Inspector Gadget sent me this article enquiring if it was anything to do with me. It isn't, as the chances of me ever progressing to Head are lower than John Prescott's IQ, but it made me laugh. (Especially where the mother said that she had 'cried and cried')

(Incidently Gadget's book will be out in the next few months and I've heard that it is a cracker.)

I love local papers with their 'Cat stuck up a tree' or 'Mrs Miggins falls over in the High St.' stories. Here's one that strikes a chord though. Apparently they reckon that litter bins attract litter. A cursory glance around Downtown indicates that areas frequented by the Underclass seem to attract litter. (Along with feckless, shell suited lumps) No doubt sociologists would have a field day about 'deprivation' and 'poverty' but how much exactly does it cost financially to put litter in a bin or take it home? There is a cost in effort though, which explains everything.

Schools like St. Thickchilds are knee deep in crisp packets, takeaway cartons and chocolate wrappers. Nobody is ever made to clear it up for a variety of imaginary Health and Safety reasons explained by a Head who has undergone an operation to have his spine removed.

Jumping around a bit, I'm sorry that I missed this story (which is also a bit out of date) I'm not surprised that Santa has fallen victim to the PC Brigade, his days were always numbered and I've never really trusted any man with a beard. No, I'm more surprised that prospective Santas go on a training course.

I'm still only posting occasionally as Dan the Editor is unaware that slavery has been abolished in Britain. Good luck to those of you who are going back to school today

Bah Humbug!

Stone the crows! I thought I'd return a few days later and see if anyone had come up with an answer to those three questions and by the timings on the posts it looks like I made the usual mistake of judging everybody else by my own low standards.


Chalks 7th Law of Teaching states that the intelligence of the staff is proportional to the intelligence of the pupils in their school. So clearly Mark Wilkinson does not work at St. Thickchilds. He wins because he was first to get them all right and even spotted my foolish mistake of assuming that the rule was proved after just four measly examples.

Oh I forgot; number 3 is the Monty Hall problem. I just tried to rewrite it slightly but as anonymous has pointed out it only works if I know which cup the diamond is under, so I can always choose to show you the other, empty one.

I do quite like problems like these as they demonstrate just how wrong common sense can be in unfamiliar circumstances. Mind you, I like beer more.

I'll have to think up a suitable prize now. Suggestions welcome

Merry Christmas!

This time last year, you were no doubt glued to your computer screens each morning to see what lay behind the door on Mrs C's Advent Calender. As we got a bit giddy with all the excitement we've decided to give it a miss and calm ourselves down this year. Instead here's three puzzles for you. First correct answer in the comments box for all three wins er... something good.


1) We are at a Xmas Party exchanging merry banter and you happen to mention that at the last party you attended, it turned out that two of the guests had the same bithday.

Quick as a flash, I offer to bet you £100 that two people in this very room have the same birthday. We quickly count them and see that there are 48 guests. Assume that I have never met any of the guests before; should you accept my bet? (+explain why?)

2) Ignoring your reluctance to engage me in any further conversation, I produce a deck of cards and you notice they all have a number on one side and a letter on the other. I announce that the cards obey a simple rule: if a card has a number three on one side then it must have a letter 'H' on the other.

I throw down four cards onto a convenient table '3' '8' 'T' and 'H'. You have 20 seconds to tell me which of them you need to turn over to prove or disprove my rule.

If you have not timed yourself ruthlessly and submit an answer, I shall know.

3) Even though you are now sidling away from me, I refuse to take the hint and regain your attention by producing a large diamond and three cups. I place the diamond under one of them and shuffle the cups around so that you lose track of where it is. I announce that if you guess correctly then you can keep the diamond. After a brief pause you place your finger on one of the cups. Rather than turning it over, I actually turn over one of the two other cups revealing it to have nothing underneath.

Now I offer you a choice: you can either stick with the cup you have chosen or swap to the other untouched cup. What should you do and why?

The last puzzle is quite famous, so you can have a bonus point if you know its name.

Merry Christmas
Frank

The Nativity Play

It is traditional at this time of year for all those with children of their own to decide to have an afternoon off to watch their child perform in a nativity play, whilst somebody else does their work for them. There will be no financial penalty for the play watcher or reward for the lesson coverer.

Those of you without children should think of it as an opportunity to say thank you for being allowed to cover for them during the year when they have been off because their children are ill.

For a change this year, I would like to ask that all those of you who are childless go into the Heads office waving an Ocean's 13 DVD and confidently inform them that you need the afternoon off to watch the film in the comfort of your own home with some friends. You need to leave school by about half twelve because you've got to pop in to the supermarket to get some wine and crisps...

Oh, do not under any circumstances complain in front of teachers whom you have covered for; as they have a well practiced but baffling argument along the lines that they are producing the workers of tomorrow and we should be grateful etc...

Pay and Display... You Pay and I Display

Gavin Brazg emailed me today. He runs an internet site called The advisory which gives all sorts of advice about buying and selling your house.

Why am I going on about him and his site? He has offered to give £50 to The Myelin project.

Whilst it's true that for £50 I would probably recommend John Darwin's Travel Guides, I can say from my own experience, that his tip about haggling down estate agents fees is spot on.

So if you are buying or selling a house click on the Sidebar Link and see what he has to say.

Anybody else who wants to be in Pay and Display, just email me.

Listen Up!

If you happen to be buying your Christmas Tat from Amazon this year, do me a favour and click on one of the book icons on the right hand side of the blog to get to Amazons website. You don't have to buy my book, just go via this site and they send me a small commission on whatever you spend.

Contrary to popular belief, this money doesn't get spent on beer, dive trips to the Red Sea or even a new pair of skis. It goes to the Myelin Trust http://www.myelinproject.co.uk/ who finance research into curing MS.

I selfishly chose this charity because a mate has the disease. So far I've raised about £150 but when I've totted it up properly I'll get them to send a receipt so I can stick it up on the blog. (As I know perfectly well that you all think it's a scam!)

STOP PRESS

After spending the last 24 hours in Liverpool, Gillian Gibbons has demanded that she be returned immediately to a Sudanese Prison.

At least She'll have Lost A Few Pounds In That Jail

Gillian Gibbons today thanked the Sudanese President for his generous pardon:

"I am so relieved that this awful misunderstanding is finally over and I am very much looking forward to being reunited with the children I teach, my lovely colleagues and the school dog Mohammed"

And So Is This...

Poor old Gordon Brown is under fire again today after claiming that he saw no reason to doubt the authenticity of a £2 million pound donation from Sharon Watts, checkout girl at Tescos.

Mind you, anyone who thinks the GTC is a bit harsh should get a job in Sudan, where ex-pat teacher Gillian Gibbons was recently interviewed on Kartoum Radio:

Ahmed: "So Gillian, how are you enjoying life in our wonderful country?"

GG: "Well it's alright, very sunni and warm, but I do think that banning alcohol is a bit much. I mean, I'm not really a big drinker; but you know what it's like after a long week learning the Koran off by heart... It's hard work and you need a drink, especially in this heat. Come on Ahmed, you must have a few contacts who could help me get lashed?"

Don't Worry, This Is A One-Off

I was going to tell you about the latest revelation from Downing St. that Alistair Darling sent the bank details of 25 million Brits to a Nigerian email scammer who said he 'needed them urgently for good helping with a PhD Project'

but unfortunately The Daily Mash beat me to it. Hats off to them, they're always spot on.

Apparently the abject failure of eleven hopeless overpaid dandies last night is going to cause a collapse in the economy.

I'm too busy with the new book to post regularly (and in any case, sales of Frank Chalk went up as soon as I stopped!)

Mrs Chalk's department decided recently that pupils should be given projects to do rather than dull, old fashioned learning type homeworks. The result of this is that every 14 year old child in her class can produce a messy pile of gloop that they call a model of a cell; made out of plastecine, jelly and God knows what, but cannot name a single one of its parts.

That's what I call progress...

David Cameron wants pupils to stand up when a teacher comes into the classroom. I'm all for this, in fact I'd have them kneeling down and touching their foreheads to the ground. I can't say that I ever had any problems getting kids to stand up; it was getting them to sit back down again and stop running round the room shouting "F*** Off!" that used to stump me. I notice he didn't have much to say on that score.

Oh, Thanks to Random House- they are publishing It's Your Time in Australia from Jan 1st. That should put a stop to any more Aussie teachers coming over. I've agreed to be interviewed by Kylie in mid Jan.

Look after yourselves (and don't get a job in Los Angeles)