Peter Harvey

Think back to when you were at school and how much fun it was to wind the teacher up until they exploded in a fit of rage, clobbering the daftest boy in the class whilst glowing bright red with incandescent fury. Nowadays it's even better as they dare not do anything to vent their feelings, so we end up with a case like that of Peter Harvey.

Now I suspect that we don't really know the full facts of this incident yet, so I'll not comment on it. I am thankful however that I only came very close to lashing out at a pupil who had been driving me mad all lesson, on about 840 different occasions during my teaching career.

Home Alone

The Government is considering waiving tuition fees for students who don't need grants or loans. This will help limit University to the wealthy and those whose parents will allow them to live at home.

Why on Earth can't we face up to reality and go back to paying for the clever kids to go to Uni rather than encouraging those who can barely read or write to rack up a £20 000 debt whilst attempting a Mickey Mouse degree which, should they complete it; will offer them absolutely no possibility of a decent job?

Leonora Rustamova

Poor old Leonora was a teacher at Calder High School who took on the challenge of trying to interest teenage boys in reading novels.

This would have been too difficult for me, but this woman was made of sterner stuff. She took the time and effort to write a novel which was apparently a bit 'Racy' (probably a lot less racy than whatever other material they perused.)

As a reward for going well beyond the call of duty, her head appears to have sacked her.

I was supposed to be discussing this on Five Live today but managed to miss the call due to a previous appointment as chimp handler at Michael Jackson's funeral. You were therefore spared my foolish comments.

ps I've just been told that a Facebook Group has been set up to support her here (Don't ask me what this means)

Yellow is the Colour of my True Love's Hi Viz Jacket...

Whilst driving through town today I noticed a group of about 20 schoolchildren all about 11 or 12 years old, getting on a bus.

The sun was blazing, there was not a cloud in the sky and it was absolutely baking hot; but every one of them was wearing a luminous vest. I was so amazed that I almost ran over one of their teachers (who was looking utterly ridiculous in her own bright yellow high-viz jacket.)

I am well aware that there is a battle going on between the Health and Safety Officials who say that schools deliberately misinterpret their rules and the schools who put the blame on them.

So, can anyone tell me:

a) Why are kids wearing these crazy things?
b) Why do the teachers not have enough dignity not to?

Titles

STOP PRESS:

I apologise for the interruption to your evening, but Fran from Oop North Somewhere has just informed me that from September, the Form Tutors at their school will be renamed 'Achievement Tutors'.

This leads us neatly round to Chalk's 9th Law of Teaching:

The grander the title given, the less able the person who gave it.

Your own examples are of course welcome.

Class of 2009

Over the next few weeks, almost 400 000 students will graduate from our Universities. Many of these will not find jobs at all, or end up working in jobs that they could have started at the age of 16.

My prediction is that this Summer at long last, schools will finally begin to question the accepted doctrine of encouraging every pupil who can spell their own name to rush blindly into taking on £20 000 worth of debts in order to gain a worthless degree from an institution that should never have been allowed to call itself a University in the first place.

Nightjack

How exactly is it in the public interest to expose the identity of (and therefore make it impossible for him to continue) a man who publicises the numerous failings of modern Policing; which are, judging by the popularity of his Blog presumably of interest to the public?

By this logic, it would certainly be in the public interest for the Times to publish the identity of a man who has made the mistake of frequently criticising the shambles that passes for State Education.

Hang on I'll be right back, there's somebody at the door...

In Hot Water

Those of you who are struggling to raise money for a new minibus or buy enough textbooks will be delighted to hear that Head Greg Martin manages to get paid £85 000 for managing a spa and pool. (I'd just pay one of the Top Set kids £50 a week to do it)

Who paid for this facility in the first place and how hard is it to 'manage' a swimming pool? Mind you it is Lambeth Council so I suppose anything is possible. More importantly can Mrs C. get say, £55k for managing the 'Exercise Book Distribution Unit' at her school?

I've been asked to advertise vacancies in schools every so often, so here's the first one.

Position School Secretary
Requirements Would suit female with prominent chest
Apply to Al Islah Muslim Girls School, Blackburn. (Please enclose a photograph)

Burn My Money in front of me Please

Now that we are all heartily sick of hearing about MPs spending the taxpayers money on moats, duck islands and helipads why don't we look into Nonsense Agencies such as the GTCE and the Training Development for Schools (TDA)?

The Times alleges here that TDA boss Graham Holley managed to spend a few thousand on a nice trip to Melbourne for an 'education conference' and later went to Rome to learn about leadership, (like teaching, this is something you are either good at or not- if you aren't a natural leader then all the training in the World can only make you sound like one)

Isn't it strange that they always seem to go somewhere nice to learn about leadership. Have you ever heard of a conference in Hull, Tipton or Scunthorpe for example?

Show me the Money

The Government is proposing to pay about £3000 per year extra to entice people to take a job as a crowd controller in challenging (ie crap) schools. Have a look at the article before you ask me the obvious question:

Won't the staff who are already there get a bit upset about doing the same job for three grand less than those who've just arrived?

Regular readers will also be familiar with my cynical view of any sentence that starts with the words "Research shows..." I wonder how much of your money was spent discovering the astonishing fact that kids do better if they have a good teacher?

Mind you it's a good job they never offered me a bonus to work at St. Thickchilds- I would only have blown it on a Somali Cruise.

So That's Why They Call It Great Britain...

One man who clearly doesn't think that Britain is on its last legs is the latest Monday Books author, Steve Pope. When we first met last weekend, I naturally offered him the secret Monday Authors funny handshake; assuming that anyone writing a book of that title as the Government is collapsing, whilst we suffer the worst recession since 1930; could only be writing under a pseudonym like Copperfield, Gadget and myself. I assured him that I was fine about calling him by whatever name he wanted.

He no doubt decided on the spot that I was a complete loon, but was polite enough not to say anything to the effect. Anyway, I've now finished his book and have to admit that it is absolutely fascinating. There's loads and loads of stuff that I never knew about, mixed in with lots of funny stories about the various characters who have put the 'Great' in Britain. It's written alphabetically, which makes it good for people like me with short attention spans, because you can dip in and out of it when you have a spare minute, then later casually drop in a gem to friends in the Pub along the lines of; "Did you know that...."; making you appear very knowledgeable indeed.

It's available from Amazon here, or direct from Monday Books here.

Open a College

Have you had enough of gobby, pig ignorant pupils who know full well that they can do what they like in your lessons? Do you find yourself harbouring violent thoughts towards them and their wretched parents? Is the endless stream of new and ever more bizarre initiatives from the SLT getting you down to the point where you feel you can take no more?

Well here's the answer. Rather than worrying about Inspections, GCSE results and all that nonsense, just rent a room somewhere cheap and open up your very own College. There is no law to stop you, so the next step is to get an advertisement for your World Renowned Centre of Excellence up and running on the Internet. Before you know it, you will have hundreds of students from Pakistan begging to enrol in order to fulfill their lifelong ambition of studying hard in Britain. They will be only too happy to pay the Course fees in advance (in heroin if you like) in return for your college stamp on their student visa application.

No need to worry about hiring any staff though, and rest assured that nobody will dare accuse you of any wrongdoing for fear of being labelled racist.

The Dangers of Swimming Goggles

Whilst the Aussies seem to be trying to bring back Hanging in their schools, we are banning swimming goggles.

SATS

Those of you with children about to go into year 9 this September would be well advised to ask your school exactly what they are planning on teach in English, Maths and Science now that the SATS tests for their age group have been abolished.

If the recent emails I've been receiving are anything to go by; they are about to be replaced with a year of utter nonsense focusing on such gems as 'model making' 'creative thinking' and 'pupil driven unstructured work' That will certainly help us compete on a global stage, then.

There are two problems here:

1) The kids waste a year before the GCSE syllabus starts in Year 10.

2) The Government will conclude that teachers and schools can't be trusted to educate children unless they are told exactly what to teach and when to do it.

University Complaints

At University 25 years ago, I can remember sitting through numerous lectures which were nothing more than an hour of incomprehensible mutterings and scribbled equations, delivered by a man dressed in a random set of garments from Oxfam, who clearly felt uncomfortable interacting with the human race and straying too far away from a test tube and Bunsen Burner. I can't remember caring though.

Nowadays the students complain if the lecturer doesn't turn up, is late or just completely rubbish. Rightly so I suppose, now that they are paying. The only reason there aren't more complaints is that many students struggle to read and write. Manchester Metropolitan even has a text messaging service for those who can't string a sentence together but don't want to feel left out.

As the Universitites are funded by student numbers; they never complain, no matter how many halfwits are delivered to them to do Cartooon Studies, Cultural studies or Paint Management and Monitoring. They just give a First to all those who turn up, a Second to those who don't and a Douglas (don't know what the modern word for these is) to the rest who can't even remember which former Poly they are at. (Note to parents; any subject with the word Studies in it, is just trying desperately to get you to take it seriously. Resist this tempation, laugh out loud and blow the money earmarked for your offspring's tuition fees on an extended tour of Australia and New Zealand.)

Scots

Well at least the Scots are trying to do something about the ever growing problem of violent wretches who attack their teacher or each other and simply return to class after a good talking to by the Head or a one day holiday. Trouble is, any psychologist worth their beard will just announce that Wayne is suffering from attention surplus somethingorother and has special 'needs' which we must bend over backwards to accommodate. In the interests of equality, no doubt vicious elbow-toucherThelma Hoskins (67) would also find herself being assessed by some nutter who fancied being a Scientist but wasn't bright enough to do a real one.


Still, whilst the tradition of wearing a tie seems to be falling victim to Health and Safety, another one (ie making fun of kilt wearing Scots) is still going strong

Someone recently suggested that I ask teachers to send in their own stories or articles for publication on this blog. I'm all in favour of this (as it saves me writing them) and obviously they get to stay anonymous. I've actually received quite a few already, but they have all been either boring as hell or would only appeal to an eight year old. However, judging by the comments and emails I get; there are plenty of teachers out there who could write something amusing, cynical or nasty (ie in keeping with my blog), so get on with it and send them to me.

David Buth

I wish I'd thought of climbing up a tree whilst I was doing Teacher Training. The various loons in charge would have absolutely loved it. (Mind you, some toe rag would no doubt have attempted to cut it down with a stolen chain saw)

I can just see it now. Me dressed up like Robin Hood, precariously balanced on a swaying branch 30 feet up, armed only with a megaphone (and a bow and arrow to ensure discipline). Eventually though, I wood probably have had to bough to pressure from the Head to come down as the kids ran riot below; ignoring my attempts to conduct a Science Practical from my leafy lab. (What the Health and Safety people would have to say about the whole thing doesn't bear thinking about.)

Anyway, Mr Buth gives regular updates on his arboreal adventure here

I just spent my time climbing up the walls.

Footloose, Footloose...

If poor Chenille thinks that she is hard done by, then she should count herself lucky that she doesn't attend Heritage Christian School in Ohio, where they appear to be remaking the 1980s film Footloose (remember that Kenny Rogers jingle?)

Tyler Frost (who looks to be about 30 years old in the photo) has committed the heinous crime of Mixed Dancing and must now pay the price.

I've never been to Ohio (in fact I don't think I even know anybody who's been there) but stuff like this does make you worry a bit about some of the people who are sponsoring our Academies (and getting a say in what is taught in them).

Mind you, I suppose at least Tyler had learnt to read before he didn't graduate.

ps If you are now thinking of sending your offspring there, here's a link to the school website

Chenille

Sorry, I've not posted for a while- been doing some work for Chalk Enterprises' Overseas Division, sorting out the import of some rare breed pigs from a small farm near Mexico City. We've sunk all our money into this venture, so I hope it will be a success.

Ok, to be honest I just got fed up of whining about the same old problems in British Education, which lets face it; aren't likely to get better any time soon.

However, when I glanced through my email box yesterday; in amongst a whole load of junk, were a couple of tales which might amuse you.

Here's one from a teacher working in the Socialist Republic of South Yorkshire. It's a Cinderella story about a poor girl named after a type of curtain fabric, who cannot go to the Ball. Sour faced mother had spent a Kings Ransom on a 'limo' (defined in the Concise Oxford Dictionary as: a long white motor vehicle which picks up and later disgorges fat, orange people)

You can read more about it in the local paper which seems quite sympathetic to her. The locals who commented seem a bit more down to Earth however.

In Like Flynn

Like David Flinn, I once had three girlfriends; but unlike him, it wasn't their demise that caused me problems. When they all happened to meet, following a series of extremely unfortunate coincidences; it was my own death that looked like being the most likely outcome.

Meanwhile, Alex Dolan teacher and journalist might soon be Alex Dolan, Journalist. She is in trouble with the General Teaching Council for exposing the fiasco that passes for education in many schools. She carried a hidden camera and filmed a few lessons for a Channel 4 Programme at the same time that I was writing my book. (I kept my real name secret because I didn't fancy my chances of paying my mortgage as Frank Chalk, Author.)

Another teacher (Angela Mason) did a similar thing for Channel Five and believe it or not, was actually condemmed by the teachers' own Union, the NUT. She was also suspended for a year by the GTC. So there you have it; keep quiet and keep your job.

Teacher Training

I spent a year training to be a teacher in the late 1980s. Apart from a couple of months spent teaching in a school, the whole thing was an utter waste of time which I enjoyed immensely; as it was very easy and enabled me to be a student for another year, but with more money. Also, the girls were better looking than on my Degree Course.

To be honest, teaching is one of those jobs that you can either do or you can't. If the course had been three weeks long and simply involved following a few teachers and getting some useful tips, then I can't honestly say that I would have been any better or worse at the end than I was after the best part of a year sleeping through endless waffle on educational theory, didactic somethingorother, multicultural lesson plans etc. Oh and copying; sorry- writing a few essays, which of course simply regurgitated what our lecturers had said. (Actually, I could usually only speculate on what they might have said)

I recently spoke to someone who had just finished their PGCE Year enthusing about how beneficial it had been. After hearing a bit more, I realised that it sounded just like my course was 20 years ago but with new buzzwords!

Now the Government is proposing to cut the course down to 6 months and the Teaching Unions say that this is a Bad Thing.

Doublespeak

The unarguable fact that the gap between Comprehensive and Private Education has widened in the last ten years makes the slogan 'Education, Education, Education' seem very hollow indeed.

Parents, pupils and schools all play a part in this; but not to worry, the Department for Children, Schools and Families have decided that:

"Our policies are working and the gap between rich and poor is closing."

You just can't respond to that.

Up in the morning's no for me...

Dr Paul Kelley, Head of Monkseaton High School has decided that the best way to help teenagers prepare for a successful career is to allow them to lie in bed for another couple of hours each day.

Whilst his announcement was no doubt applauded by Britain's youth, alarm bells will have begun to ring in wiser heads on hearing the following logic:

Early Starts = Creation of Teenage Zombies
Therefore school should start later!

Instead of:

Early Starts = Creation of Teenage Zombies
Therefore tell the parents not to allow them to stay up so late!

The bells will have become deafening by the end of the second paragraph where we hear the dreaded words: 'Research shows' and 'profound impact'

How did we ever manage in the past?

He saves the best for last however with the revelation that pupils scored 90% in a GCSE Science Exam despite never having studied the subject. This is because GCSE Science has become an utter farce. (My dog has complained about the 'C' Grade that he was awarded.) The only sensible suggeststion is that kids need frequent bouts of exercise.

Maths and B+Q

Maths teachers up and down the Land are to be sent a little booklet showing them how to teach their subject. Apparently Ofsted, the Schools Inspectors reckon that the kids are just being taught to pass the exams.

This is of course absolutely true and has always been the case, whether it was for the 11+, the 'O' Level or whatever. For the vast majority of people, Maths just isn't very interesting and 99% of the population will never need to do any algebra or solve a quadratic equation after they leave school.

The fact is, most of them can't do the things that might be of some use. For example if are at B+Q and you want some skirting board which comes in 3 metre lengths and your room is 17 feet by 13, then a grasp of mental arithmetic and estimation might well save you an extra journey (and if I had to give one benefit of mathematics it would be avoiding a trip to B+Q)

My 60 year old handyman can do this easily, (and he left school at 15) but if you ask a selection of school leavers, most will look around helplessly until you provide a calculator which will enable them to get the wrong answer.

Try asking "what's 20% off £15?" for a similar response.

Throughout my teaching 'career' (don't laugh) pupils would ask me "why do we have to know this?" and wave a page of their textbook at me. If nothing else, I was always honest and would reply:

"So that you get a certificate which might help you get a better job, or allow you to learn more things"

Going, Going, Gone!

Every school I ever worked in had at least one dimwit in the Management Team. They were always easy to identify; just let them speak one sentence and they give themselves away.

However poor old Rachel from Pennsylvania has raised the bar by accidentally selling one of her mobile classrooms on Ebay for a dollar. Does she remind you of anyone from your place?

Andy Drzewiecki

If Andy Drzewiecki (who represented us at the Moscow Olympics in 1980 as a weightlifter in the over 105 Kg category) told me to go to the Heads office; you can rest assured that I would be out of the room faster than a falling barbell, without even a parting shout of "You never won a medal!"

Unfortunately the pupil that he did send to the Head decided to put in a complaint against him.

Now ask me, did Mr D receive the support of the Head and the Local Education Authority? No, don't be silly. He was hung out to dry.

Bathroom Cabernet

Rather than hand over my hard earned money to Tescos in exchange for a bottle of Blue Nun when Mrs C and I were invited out to dinner last Friday; I just walked round to my local hospital with a screwdriver and left with a bottle of Vintage 2006 Handwash Gel.

Surely it would be far more effective simply to make everyone take off their shoes before coming in and tramping round the wards. No doubt this would have the added bonus of offending a few people.

Barry Sheerman

Well done to Barry Sheerman for bringing up the awful situation many teachers face when they are accused of doing something wrong by a pupil (or sometimes, sadly by another teacher or classroom assistant). In the vast majority of cases, the accusation is trivial and has been made up by a wretch looking for revenge on a teacher who has confiscated their mobile phone, given them a detention or thrown them out of the classroom for being a pain. There's an article here

In every case I ever saw, it could all have been sorted out in less than an hour if all parties involved had been immediately interviewed by the Head. If a child is making false accusations then they need a severe punishment and if it looks like the teacher actually did something seriously wrong then the police could be involved.

What actually happens is that the unfortunate teacher gets suspended whilst a tediously slow 'investigation' is carried out. Months later when the pupil is found to be lying there is no comeback on them, so they cheerfully do it again.

(Incidentally it's not uncommon for pupils who have worked out how the system operates, to threaten to make a complaint against a teacher, when for example you attempt to remove their MP3 player. It' a very effective move)

Other Blogs

Winston Smith works in Social Services, but I can't help but worry that his days are numbered. He seems unable to spout politically correct nonsense and talks far too much plain common sense. I'd start looking for another job if I were him...

EggsBaconChipsandBeans is a blog dedicated to researching the Great British Breakfast. You just know that anyone who can describe a portion of chips as 'looking like salmon leaping over rocks to dive into the beans' or display his favourite condiment photograph; just has to be a good bloke.

Bob the Taxi Driver will entertain you with tales of the characters he gets in his cab, from the righteous to the wretched.

Biased BBC explodes the myth that the BBC is even slightly impartial. (In case you hadn't realised that several years ago)

The excellent Bad Science shows up the astonishing number of basic errors in both Science and Maths that can be found in every newspaper. It is also an excellent debunker of well marketed traps for the foolish such as homeopathy.

I have never found any of these in the lists of Top 100 Blogs that are sometimes published in the Sunday Papers, presumably because they don't say what mainstream journalists and their editors think that you should hear.

Excelling Against The Odds

Ofsted (who are the body in charge of School Inspections), have produced a report about how schools with a crummy intake can nevertheless do well. Have a quick look at it here

It is compulsory for all these reports to descend into gibberish at some stage and this one doesn't waste any time. I love the phrase "a disciplined focus on being learning communities"

The gist of the report is blatantly obvious to anyone with half a brain. ie schools with discipline do better than those without.

The best bit is the list of characteristics of good schools. One of them is 'Highly inclusive' but in the previous paragraph we learnt that one Head suspended 300 kids in a week! How on Earth he got that past the School Governors or the Local Education Authority is not explained.

Anyway my feeling is this:

If we know that discipline in schools is central to success, why doesn't the Government do anything at all to encourage it? Some State Schools have very successful discipline policies which work, but many have useless ones that don't. Thousands of schools up and down the Land are making the same mistakes over and over again, when we could easily have one simple, clear and consistent set of rules to be adhered to by every pupil in Britain.

Oh hang on, I wrote a book about this.

More Rhymes...

Who's that behind him, let's have a look?

It's the other Abu; the one with the hook!

Binyam

Oh joy, oh bliss, oh happy day;

Binyam Mohamed is coming to stay!

Cambridge Primary Report

Congratulations to Professor Robin Alexander who has successfully proved Chalk's 5th Law of Teaching; which states that whenever an educational academic speaks, you must immediately stick your fingers in your ears and repeatedly shout "La-La-La...".

The Cambridge Primary Review claims that there is too much emphasis on numeracy and literacy in Primary Schools to the detriment of other subjects such as Music.

I suspect the non Cambridge University Academic public would say that this is exactly what they want and that the only things Primary Schools should bother teaching are reading, writing and sums; anything else is a bonus.

We knew this a hundred years ago. My only question is: how much did the taxpayer stump up for this twaddle?

Abu Qatada

Although residentially challenged, kebab-buying Jacqui Smith is disappointed that we will be paying bearded bomber Abu Qatada a few thousand; Liberty and Amnesty International are up in arms about the prospect of the jolly jihadist being sent back to Jordan. They claim that we cannot trust the Jordanians to look after him properly.

They are absolutely right. Under no circumstances should we send poor Abu back until we have a cast iron guarantee that he will be mistreated.

Tanzania

Our Government improves results by making the exams easier each year. Tanzania has a rather different, but doubtless equally effective approach. Rumour has it that they may introduce it over here...

Geert Wilders

Doesn't this guy realise that we don't allow people with funny hairstyles into our Country even if they are democratically elected politicians from friendly countries in the EU?

Thank goodness Jaqui Smith is here to protect us from such menaces by telling him firmly that:

"your presence in the UK would pose a genuine, present and sufficiently serious threat to one of the fundamental interests of society".

Hmmm... like free speech perhaps?

Julia Robinson- A Brave Woman

It's rare that you find me using the words 'bravery' and 'Headteacher' in the same sentence, but Sheffield Head Julia Robinson certainly deserves our admiration. On taking up her post, she felt that rather than having separate assemblies for different religious groups, it might be better to just have one for everybody. (I think that most sane people would agree with that idea). Needless to say the Council recommended setting up a working party to waste time rather than just letting her make a simple decision and supporting it.

When a few parents inevitably complained, it would appear that she did not get any support and has now resigned in protest.

It is easy to go on a march or make a protest when you do not risk anything; but to resign your job over something you believe in takes great courage. How often do you hear of someone high up in a profession doing something like this? Can you imagine the Manager of a bank resigning because they are encouraged to push loans onto people too stupid to resist them? Or a High Court judge walking out because the sentencing guidelines prevent them adequately punishing a criminal, despite the fact that they routinely complain of this?

The Council should hang their heads in shame (rather than hanging their Heads out to dry); for not backing her to the hilt. She doesn't seem to have got much support from her staff or Union either.

Plea from the taxpayer-Please stop Jumping

We seem to be suffering an outbreak of springy pupils at the moment. You might remember Colin Adams who won £250 thousand when a twelve year old jumped on his back; now Sharon Lewis has upped the ante, claiming a £280 000 payout because a 13 year old jumped on her.

She claims that she is not angry at the child. I wouldn't be either for £280 grand.

There are soldiers coming back from Afghanistan and Iraq every week minus their arms or legs, receiving similar payouts if they are lucky and expressing their fierce determination to get back to work. When you compare this with 'I've been told I can't work full time again' it makes our profession once again look like a refuge for the helpless and the hopeless.

I am jealous though; loads of kids have jumped on me and I wasn't clever enough to ham it up a bit, take some acting lessons so that I could claim I was traumatised with a straight face and pick up a big cheque.

Golliwogs, Golliwogs, Golliwogs

Breaking News- The National Union of Golliwogs (NUG) has just announced that it will ballot its members on whether to take immediate strike action. A Spokesdoll today accused Carol Thatcher of displaying 'shocking cultural insensitivity' in accusing one of them of looking like a Frenchman. It is a move that will worry tacky gift shops up and down the land and raises the prospect of a mass walk out from the shelves.

Both the Association of Welsh Maids (AWM) and the militant wing of the Kilted Scottish Bagpiper Dolls Group (KSBDG) are considering whether to offer their support.

Pupils Behave Better

It's official- pupils' behaviour in the classroom is getting better so you can all stop moaning right now!

Alternatively you can fall back on Chalk's 12th Law of Teaching for guidance:

'Whenever the Educational Psychologist opens her mouth, think back to the people you met at Uni who were doing psychology and stop listening immediately.'

Let's Grind To a Halt

Apparently Europe is scoffing once again at our inability to deal with a short cold snap and a few inches of snow. I'm not going to bring up the obvious fact that if we lived somewhere that got ten feet of snow every year then we'd probably think of buying a few extra snowploughs and winter tyres too, Ulrika.

Anyway, rather than paying attention to the witterings of a nation whose greatest achievement is to produce a palindromic Pop Group, I propose that we turn this situation on its head and from now on, make it a point of national pride that we show a bit more respect for Nature and simply stop working every time it snows.

When I am in charge, salt and grit will be banned and instead each Council will have an employee on 24 hour Snowwatch throughout the year. At the sight of the first flake, sirens will sound in every town and city signalling a compulsory mass downing of tools. There will be no announcement on TV as this would only alert the underclass to the potential opportunities for crime. Hospitals have to keep going but their staff will get days in lieu.

Parents would have time to play in the snow with their children (or regret their decision to have any), whilst the rest of us can enjoy ourselves, generate a bit of valuable community spirit by getting out the shovels and give nice cosy pubs a much needed economic boost. Hoorah!

ps I wrote a letter to my Council yesterday, complaining about the exclusively white nature of the snow we had received so far. I have no doubt whatsoever that I shall receive a reply and probably an apology.

Snow Joke

The newspapers are busy calling for the mass hanging of teachers whose schools were closed yesterday. Lynch mobs are to be formed in all major cities according to this article.

Normally you'd expect me to be siding with the Snowfall Deniers and ranting about bone idle lazy lumps who can't be bothered to get out of bed, weak Headmasters cowering under their desks at the sight of the first snowflake or the rise in mass disability amongst UK residents which prevents them from walking a few miles.

Teachers of course don't decide whether their school is closed or not. Usually the Head does, or in some cases the Local Education Authority steps in and decides to shut all the schools in their area.

Whoever makes the decision however, is caught between a Rock and the Deep Blue Sea. If they keep the school open, somebody is bound to slip or get hit by a snowball and feel duty bound to try and sue the school or LEA. You could also very easily end up with the nightmare situation of 220 kids and three teachers (as many of the teachers live miles from the school) so with the rules about numbers of staff per child you might have to send them all back home again. Then you've got the possibility of road accidents which a solicitor would argue were partly due to you telling people to come in when the emergency services had advised everyone not to make any journey that was not 'absolutely essential'.

(Incidentally the only regret I have about not rising up the promotion ladder to become a Head was that I missed the opportunity to ban snowballing, or to send the kids out wearing protective goggles from the Science Lab. I would then phone up one of the papers pretending to be a parent outraged at this 'Nanny State' behaviour and send in some photos and a short video. Imagine the fun of peddling a justification and hyping up my safety concerns about the chemicals in frozen rainwater to some gullible reporter.)

Anyway, if on the other hand they close the school, then a barrage of abuse must be faced. Some parents will be annoyed because they have to go to work and take their child with them (which might be difficult if you are a Policeman or a roped access Window Cleaner). Others will be cross because their viewing of daytime TV will be disturbed and quite a few will be enraged because a newspaper or newsreader has told them to be.

There's no easy answer and in my opinion we should simply accept a couple of days disruption every decade rather than spending a fortune on the infrastructure needed to cope with these events properly.

And let's face it; if we have lost the ability to enjoy the simple pleasures of a day's messing about in the snow then we really are in trouble...

Snow

Chalk Enterprises sent out an email to all our customers yesterday, assuring them that the recent snowfalls would not affect the service they receive in any way. This proved to be an excellent idea, as many were completely unaware that they received any service in the first place.

Meanwhile the BBC have reported that schools are not doing enough for their best pupils. The truth is that many State Schools massively let down the top and bottom ends of their intake. All their resources, including the best teachers; are concentrated on the kids who are on the C/D borderline at GCSE because that is what affects the school's position in the League Tables.

Incidently, the reason why the tables matter to schools is that the higher up you are, the more nice kids you get applying and the less chance of getting swamped with the grot.

Chav Free Holidays

No danger of some foul mouthed wretch spoiling my hard earned vacation, for I am booking a Chav Free Holiday

For those of you who are not used to BBCSpeak, the phrase:

Activities Abroad made use of research suggesting certain names are often associated with particular demographic segments of the UK population translates as:

'Everyone knows that Shazney is an unemployable petty criminal who will cost the State a fortune over the course of her lifetime'

Candice is not very happy and neatly proves that most stereotypes are correct (otherwise they wouldn't become stereotypes) by proudly declaring her posession of a 'Diploma in Life Skills'. The Nobel Prize Comittee must be on red alert...

Director Alistair McLean could show your average Headmaster a thing or two. Did he immediately apologise, grovel and beg for forgiveness when complaints were made about his actions? Of course he didn't.

You will be relieved to know that Chalk Enterprises has always had a Chav Free policy. All companies that deal with us have to supply a list of their employees' first names for approval and as founder members of the Wayneforest Alliance we immediately consign any job applications from incorrectly named applicants straight to the bin. By 2011 we hope to be Chardon Neutral as well.

However, we are of course Geeko Friendly, so anybody turning up for interview who can discuss Occam's Razor, Maxwell's Equations or General Relativity is pretty much assured of a job.

Congratulations

Paul Fernandez is one teacher who has obviously taken on board the Government's constant urgings to entertain pupils.

A 2 Hours 50 Marathon dressed as a clown is a very impressive effort but the question that has been bothering me this evening is:

Which will he run fastest in? Clown or Santa outfit.

We will keep an eye on him and I can see a few bets being placed...

Richard Rose Academy

I can't work out what's going on at Richard Rose Academy. The parents are apparently up in arms about the leadership and the teachers are threatening to go on strike. Even the kids seem to be protesting (I would have loved to have been allowed to do that at school)

The parents are cross because of the shortage of teachers (just like at any other sink school) and the poor exam results (ditto) They are also not happy with the Head who has excluded (ie given short holidays to) about 10% of their offspring. None have actually been expelled. I'd say that in most bad schools the worst behaved ten percent of kids ought to be taken away (in chains) and taught in Borstal style secure establishments. Saying anything like that in teaching circles is of course forbidden and will usually trigger bouts of hand wringing and much fluttering of the Guardian.

There's a few other articles related to this school on the BBC Website, but none of them really say why the teachers or pupils are upset.

Chalk's Laws of Teaching

In response to a recent enquiry by someone who wants to put them up on his Staffroom Wall (Don't! It will only end in tears...), here's a list of them:


Chalk's First Law: "In any meeting, it is not possible to make a suggestion so ridiculous that it will not be taken seriously and earnestly debated"

Chalk's Second Law: "The frequency of 'buzzwords' and jargon in a person's speech is inversely proportional to their general competence"

Chalk's Third Law: "No new idea in teaching has ever worked"

Chalk's Fourth Law: "No situation is ever resolved to the satisfaction of all parties concerned"

Chalk's Fifth Law: "Pay no attention to what 'Research' has shown or what an 'Academic' has announced. It is invariably nonsense."

Chalk's Sixth Law: "Always judge on appearance. You will never be Politically Correct, but you will also never be wrong."

Chalk's Seventh Law: "The IQ of the teachers at a given school is proportional to the IQ of the pupils at that school."

Knives

If I'm ever fitting a piece of carpet (badly, as Mrs C will verify) and can't find something to cut it with, I always pop down to Titchfield Primary School and get one of the children to buy me a good sharp knife at the Christmas Fair, where they are much cheaper than at B&Q.

When I saw the story here, I was quite appalled (you'd think the Sun could do better than those two ruffians, wouldn't you?) and then I laughed as I recalled my Junior School teacher who used to reward whoever was first to finish their sums by sending them out to the local newsagent to buy her 20 cigarettes. If she had sent us out to buy an axe or a meat cleaver (both of which the shop owner would probably have cheerfully sold us, as long 'as long it's for Miss Jenkins, mind') I think there would have been a slight temptation to 'muck about a bit', maybe scratching a few lines into a tree, or waving it about and chasing each other making noises like a Red Indian (whilst casting uneasy glances around for any watching adult who might report us to school.)

The point I'm trying to make is that we would never have considered stabbing Paul Williams from Class 3 even if we didn't like him much. Whilst I'm sure that the vast majority of kids nowadays wouldn't either, how have we got to a point where a small but significant percentage of them will do? I know that there was a knife culture in the 1950s when my father was young, but I don't think that adults were frightened of children then.

I can't help but fall back on my usual line of reasoning that people do things that they have never been convincingly told not to do and also things that they think they will face no real punishment for doing.

Ten Grand

The government has come up with the idea of offering teachers £10 000 if they will accept a three year sentence in Britain's worst Hellholes (sorry; challenging schools). Only £5000 comes from the Government apparently; the other half comes from the school's budget, so in my old school that will soon run out.

I've come up with the idea of improving these awful schools by cracking down hard on the problem kids and their parents, so that the decent ones can actually learn something. I won't hold my breath though. Brown and Co. would much rather use our money to cover up a problem than actually fix it.

Mind you, I suppose the advertisement of a ten grand bung next to a job offer, will be a bit like a lighthouse- warning new teachers of places they should steer well clear of.

ps Somebody recently sent some good advice, urging me to explain what I was talking about at the start of a post so that you don't immediately have to click on a link to another article. Thanks for that; I think it makes good sense, so I'll try and follow it.

Ofqual

A new orgnisation called Ofqual has been set up to keep an eye on exam standards. What I don't understand is whether they are supposed to maintain them as they are now or return them to something sensible.

I can't speak for other subjects but Maths and Science are much easier now than they were 25 years ago. A combination of modular exams that can be resat, coursework where just about anything gets marks, questions that have changed from rigorous fact or calculation to waffle plus the simple measure of lowering the pass marks have improved results tremendously.

No need to take my word for it though, just ask any University lecturer in Engineering for example, about how they have had to make their courses easier over the last two decades or read the complaints here or here, from those who are desperate for employees who can read, write and do a few easy sums.