Thursday, September 20, 2007

Osama Video 'Boring'


After receiving ‘hundreds’ of videos from Osama Bin Laden, the British Government has finally told the BBC to send him one of their own.

Cabinet Minister Alan Millington who asked not to be identified, told us today:

"We're all sick to death of Osama's videos cluttering up the office. I got a headache watching the last one because they couldn't even keep the camera steady. Bunch of bloody amateurs. That same old cave and rusty AK47. Doesn't he realise it's all about location, location, location. And as for that flea bitten robe he always wears…

Our first aim must be to try and get Osama to improve the quality of his films if he is going to keep on sending us the damn things. Personally I'd like to just tell him to stop, but the BBC has all sorts of quotas to try and encourage ethnic minorities into broadcasting.

Anyway, we've asked them to
send him some tips on how to make a decent ten minute presentation. You know; vary the tone of your voice, use proper lighting and a few basic special effects that can be done in a cave. We think that he could make the overall tone a bit less confrontational and they will enclose a few of their guidelines on being more inclusive- he never has any blacks, women, homosexual or disabled people playing lead roles, which as we’ve explained to him several times; is just not on these days. He should consider trying out PowerPoint also."

Head of Drama Productions at the BBC, Cedric Smythe-Wilkinson was more positive about the famous cave dwelling film maker.

"To be honest, I quite liked Osama’s early stuff, when he’d just got the camera. It was really atmospheric- you know, all those threats and cries for universal Jihad. The one where they’re having a yard of ale race in the cave and he called Tony Blair a puff was hilarious but we weren’t allowed to show it in case we got complaints of homophobia.

Trouble is nowadays it’s just his holidays and Christmas family get togethers, which always have load of karaoke- they’re all really into that. He likes to grab the mike, jump on the table and sing that old Gary Glitter “
I’m the leader" song. Thing is, if he listened to the news a bit more he’d understand that we aren’t allowed to play any Glitter stuff nowadays either, but he thinks we’re just picking on him.”

16 comments:

Manuel said...

Still better than Adam Sandler.....

Anonymous said...

I enjoy your blog (usually), however I wish you would not use it to bash the unions which you clearly know very little about. Chris Keates is a woman (not a man as you state just because you are a "citizen journalist" that doesn't mean you shouln't fact check like a real one).

I bet that when you are planning in your PPA time and not at home, or when you are tucking into your sandwiches at lunchtime, you are happy to have that guaranteed time that you would not have without the unions.

It's nice to have someone do your photocopying, displays, data entry etc. isn't it Mr. Chalk? How about that pay rise? Upper Pay Spine - did you turn it down? Let's hope you never have a malicious allegation made against you, the full legal fees the union provide come in rather handy. Just like the 'free' time that all school reps and area officials give to help their colleagues. All without renumeration, and usually without thanks.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant! LOL.

Ignore that crap post above and lay into the Unions- it's about time someone had the guts to do so. Useless bunch of tossers all of them, forever claiming they've achieved this, that and the other.

Holy Moly said...

great stuff: very funny and lots of 'you can't say that' material. Keep it up!

ps when are you on the tv?

Anonymous said...

Ok, call me stupid but what has this Osama blog got to do with the teaching unions? Am I missing something here, is Osama a metaphor?

I can actually see both sides of the argument, the unions have done some good things, but I also think that in the main, they are spineless. What is really needed is a pure militant to run them, someone who doesn't believe in compromise. We either get what we want or we stay on strike. Period. If there was such a union, that would be the one I would join.

barney said...

one thing teachers don't need is a stronger union.
teachers need sacking by the barrowload because an awful lot of them are rubbish.
when we've sacked, say, 30% of you, we can double the rates of pay for the decent ones and use the new pay rates to attract some intelligent and educated people to your profession.
then we can do away with the national curriculum and standardised tests (and politically correct propaganda) and trust you to get down to teaching our kids to read, write and add up.
because - trust me, as an employer who is always looking for half-decent school leavers - currently you are not doing a very good job.

tcgcgs said...

As an employer too, I completely agree with Barney. I'm sick to death of taking on kids who can't read, write or do any kind of sum.

They can't turn up on time, they can't be bothered to work hard and they can't understand why I get pissed off with them because, as they always say:

"Nobody's ever gone on at me before for doing that!"

In short, you teachers are turning out shit useless kids. Stop patting yourselves on the back saying they get better and better exam results, which we all know are a joke and start teaching and disciplining them.

Anonymous said...

Why are all teachers paid the same when some are really good and some are crap?

metcountymounty said...

Anyone fancy a slepe over?

Anonymous said...

Barney and tcg, might I suggest that you not blame teachers for the god awful shits that come out of schools nowadays. If you wish to blame anyone blame Thatcher and all the governments after her. It was her government that got rid of O'Levels and replaced them with G.C.S.E's. Furthermore it was the Tory party that abolished corpral punishment and stopped the teachers from having any affective methods of discipline. Also increased class sizes and our gradual increased reliance on a target driven culture, has meant that in reality teachers are more or less forced to do the work for their students, instead of getting the student to do their own work. In addition, teachers are expected to cover such a huge amount of work that there is no time or scope to make sure that the fundamentals have been grasped before moving on. This is why the majority of school leavers haven't even got the basics right, aside from the fact that kids spend most of their free time watching TV, surfing the web, or playing on PSP's. As teachers our hands are tied. We have neither the time to do the job right, nor the influence over government to tell them to leave the education of our young people up to the teachers themselves.

If you think I'm talking crap then I suggest you retrain as a teacher and try doing the job for a few years. Please do not pull us to pieces until you have done the job yourself. I wouldn't presume to tell you what you are doing wrong in your business when I have no first hand experience of the kind of work you do

J Biggs said...

Teachers always seem to blame everything on Mrs Thatcher.

She had her faults but she changed the British economy from being a laughing stock in the 70s into the massive success it was by the time she left in 1990.

My son's teachers' lack of knowledge about their own subjects and unwillingness to even try to control the naughty kids can hardly be blamed on her.

barney said...

anon 23:47
i wasn't blaming all teachers, just the useless 30% or so.
i quite agree re the curriculum etc, as you'll see if you read my post again
in the same way that you ask people not to attack teachers, i ask teachers not to be so defensive, to look around the staffroom and accept that some of your colleagues are idle, useless, indoctrinating chancers who need slinging out.
there are rubbish people in all professions but teaching is a a bit more important than most, given the rise of india and china etc

lilyofthefield said...

Chalk, you slagged off Media Studies in another blog entry and now you're giving a starring role to the make-over merchants of Osama's video persona! Such hypocrisy.

And I don't care if my Archaeology degree son is working in Morrison's, his Biochemistry mate is stacking shelves in the co-op, his ex-girlfriend History graduate is au-pairing, his Biology 2:1 brother is getting seven quid an hour as a laboratory rat and they have 40k of student debt between them. They all had a great time!

Anonymous said...

GITTIN' OSAMA

Straight-talkers claimed the hometown brawlers,
Of confidences crafty drawlers,
Saying, "We gonna--bet yer momma--
We gonna, gonna git... Osama."

How many promises turned empty,
Claims to outboast Chiang´s KMT:
"More destined than the Dalai Lama,
We gonna, gonna git... Osama."

Riled up and cowboy-like the banter,
Bold, brusk, beligerent the saunter,
But soon ambitions seemed to splinter
And dreams of summer turned to winter.

After a while it seemed nobody
Was gittin´ while the field turned cruddy,
And gloats sarcastic seemed to float:
Osama done sure got yer goat.

--i.m.small

Anonymous said...

lol

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