Monday, December 11, 2006

A Christmas Message from St. Thickchilds

Dear Parent/Guardian/Window licking Inbred,

Just to remind you that this year we break up on Friday 15th December for the Christmas holiday. After this time we have no desire to see or hear from your charmless offspring until Tuesday January 2nd. The caretaker has asked me to remind you that your foul mouthed child should be kept away from the school grounds during this time. (He would like to know why this is so difficult when you seem to be able to manage it perfectly well during the term)

Before my telephone starts ringing to herald an earful of your witless prattle, I am well aware that the 15th is quite early to begin celebrating Christmas, but since you have had your awful glowing Santas up since mid October, you have no cause to complain. Frankly we are all heartily sick of your child demanding to be entertained with traditional Christmas activities (Mindless scribbling whilst watching violent DVDs) in lessons, rather than attempting what they laughingly refer to as ‘work.’

Many thanks to those of you who attended the Carol Concert last week. If any reader should know the current whereabouts of the computer and printer which disappeared from my office on that same night, perhaps you would be good enough to inform me. If the parent who decided to spraypaint ‘Mr. Morris is a qweer’ on the wall would like to get in touch, we do have a few school dictionaries left.

The Prize draw in last months ‘Quarterwit’ (a lever to open a car lock, should you have ‘lost’ the key) was won by Ryan, formerly of Year 11; now unfortunately behind bars. We will therefore hold the draw again next month.

Congratulations to Tamsin Sprouthead who has successfully completed her first term at Downtown University, where she is pursuing a Degree in Celebrity Studies. We also offer commiserations to Chavney whose Lottery winning parents bought her a swimming pool to celebrate her GCSE success (in Drama) only to have it filled in by the Council due to an unfortunate lack of planning permission.

Finally, let us not forget as you go about your alcohol fuelled mayhem; that Christmas is a time for giving as well as receiving. By this I do not mean that you should give a mouthful of foul abuse to the telephone receptionist when you receive your benefit cheque a day late; but rather… oh never mind.


Yours Faithfully
Mr Morris
Headteacher

7 comments:

Ross said...

Brilliant!!!

Mossy said...

I am staying with the door wreath

Mossy from Wakefield

James said...

Tell me, have you ever considered looking for a better job?

Marshpixie said...

I would (break copyright) and print it off to send home with my pupils. But they'd only eat it on the way, or use it as kindling for their next batch of wheelie-bin-arsons. Although one parent was apologetic last month; the family hellhound was burying all their post in the back garden. At least, that's what they were telling the bailiffs.

Anonymous said...

We aren't breaking up until the 22nd of December. Thats schools up north for you.

Anonymous said...

slagging off chavs is getting boring now,i suggest a new target for everyones disdain....whinging feckin teachers!

merry christmas!!

Anonymous said...

Love it! That's going through a certain scumbag's letterbox on some school notepaper tomorow.

Slag off whinging teachers by all means but don't stop knocking the grotbags, otherwise you end up on SMT