Let's introduce a few of our customers. We will start with the bottom set Year 11 group that I am currently facing:
Sitting in the front row with his mouth open, Jordan ponders life's many mysteries. Imagine a coin with 'clever' and 'foolish' on opposite sides. Now bring 'foolish' around to the 'clever' side.
Jordan’s face would be beaming at you from the reverse of the coin.
Jordan's friend Liam is also desktop material, but has a practical side to him. He is a dab hand with a screwdriver, using it to open car doors or if this is not successful; to write his initials on the bodywork. They say that procrastination is the thief of time but Liam is the thief of everything else. He would steal the air out of your car tyres where it not for the fact that your radio interests him more.
If the question is “Who ate all the pies?” then Tracey is the answer. She is so fat that she has her own gravitational field. You can actually see light bending around her. It is not so much a case of her eating the wrong things as eating all the things. Her figure is not helped by her lack of understanding of the concept of movement. If she was any more slothful, I could easily mistake her for a geological feature.
Jade is busy trowelling even more foundation onto her hideous orange face. Her hair is pulled back mercilessly into a tiny ball, presumably to make her head look like a giant sprout.
Kyle is Afro-Carribean and has worked hard to reinforce the stereotype of the troublesome black boy since the moment he joined us five long years ago. He was recently found in posession of a small amount of cannabis. Our school has a zero tolerance policy on drugs which means that if you are caught with them, then you get a severe warning about the school’s zero tolerance policy on drugs.