Monday, July 17, 2006

Meet The Pupils

Let's introduce a few of our customers. We will start with the bottom set Year 11 group that I am currently facing:

Sitting in the front row with his mouth open, Jordan ponders life's many mysteries. Imagine a coin with 'clever' and 'foolish' on opposite sides. Now bring 'foolish' around to the 'clever' side.

Jordan’s face would be beaming at you from the reverse of the coin.

Jordan's friend Liam is also desktop material, but has a practical side to him. He is a dab hand with a screwdriver, using it to open car doors or if this is not successful; to write his initials on the bodywork. They say that procrastination is the thief of time but Liam is the thief of everything else. He would steal the air out of your car tyres where it not for the fact that your radio interests him more.

If the question is “Who ate all the pies?” then Tracey is the answer. She is so fat that she has her own gravitational field. You can actually see light bending around her. It is not so much a case of her eating the wrong things as eating all the things. Her figure is not helped by her lack of understanding of the concept of movement. If she was any more slothful, I could easily mistake her for a geological feature.

Jade is busy trowelling even more foundation onto her hideous orange face. Her hair is pulled back mercilessly into a tiny ball, presumably to make her head look like a giant sprout.

Kyle is Afro-Carribean and has worked hard to reinforce the stereotype of the troublesome black boy since the moment he joined us five long years ago. He was recently found in posession of a small amount of cannabis. Our school has a zero tolerance policy on drugs which means that if you are caught with them, then you get a severe warning about the school’s zero tolerance policy on drugs.

5 comments:

Kim said...

Keep on going, I'm starting to recognise some of my bottom set!

Factory Manager said...

God I hate being a pedant. Sittng ? Go and sit in the corner.

Anonymous said...

I am eternally grateful that I didn't name my own child, Kyle. I've yet to run into a student named Kyle that wasn't extremely difficult. The Kyle in my class last year set part of the school on fire so perhaps I'm prejudiced.

The Moai said...

This is one of the funniest things I've ever read. Keep going!

Anonymous said...

Why didn't you mention Wayne and Dwayne in their death-row trousers and their thumbs stuck through holes unravelling at the end of their filthy school jumers? And hey where are the girls? Where are Verity, Destiny, Stupidity, Promiscuity, Purity and Obesity in their f***-me-boots, giant loopy earrings, tiny handbags (no room for any school stuff, could'nt be bovvered with all that since school supply 'the gear'). Yes, I recognise the jeunesse d'oree I'm teaching, are we talking yr 11 NVQ2 here? These people will get the vote in two years't ime, so watch out!!! and their kids will get the vote in another 18 years' time (generous estimate).