Miss Wade heaves herself out of her chair on the other side of the staffroom, wittering about how she has requested a new padlock for her store cupboard. "It's a padlock for her fridge she needs if you ask me" I foolishly mutter to the table I am sitting on.
Guardians flutter, hands wring and there is a hushed chorus of "You can't say that!" along with vague suggestions that some people who are absolutely enormous might have a medical condition. I'll say they do- compulsive bloody eating that's what.
It's not so much a case of spotting her out of the corner of my eye- she's filling my entire visual field. I can actually see light bending around her. As she finally manages to stand up, a tv remote falls out from where it had been trapped in a wobbly fold. I wouldn't be surprised if there was a kid stuck in there as well. She is clearly one cream bun away from a gastric explosion. When viewed from sideways on she appears to either be wearing one of those medieval hooped dresses underneath her straining trousers or have a shelf protruding from her waist. I might try and sit on it to get a free lift.
Believe it or not she is about to go and teach 'Healthy Eating' as part of PSHE (Personal Social and Health Education). There is a certain irony here; how do the kids keep a straight face? It would be like me teaching them Diplomacy.