"Congratulations for correctly dialling the number for St. Thickchilds School! Your call is important to us, so please select from the following options:
If you are unsure about the specific nature of your complaint, but would just like to moan, press One
If you are phoning to let us know that all the teachers are picking on your child, press Two
If you wish to make a false allegation against a teacher; press Three, or contact 'Ambulance Chasers' on 0870 565 8484. We will not be able to tell you which solicitor is best for suing us.
If you have a ludicrous excuse for why your child has been absent, press Four. Please note that we are unable to suggest one for you.
If you would like to know why your child is not allowed on the school trip to Scagton, press Five
If you would like to request a School Permission Slip to allow your child to spit on pedestrians whilst travelling on the school bus, press Six.
If you would like to verbally abuse a specific teacher; press Seven, or simply race up to school and demand to see them immediately.
If your child is socially inept and would like to change forms yet again, press Eight
If it is a crucial time in your child's education and you would like to request two weeks off to go on holiday, press Nine
If you are a parent who appreciates the efforts we make to educate and discipline your child then hang up and do not try again later."
With due regards to the teachers from Pacific Palisades High School, California