Hurrah! I'm back online again.
After the buffoons decided to cut off my phone line, I made the fatal mistake of phoning BT Customer Services (If any department is wrongly named, it is this one.) Endless recorded voices describe option after option, none of which ever mention having your phone line disconnected. Eventually I would be put through to a call centre in either India or the UK.
It's easy to tell which is which. If the operator is called 'Kevin' or 'William' and wishes you a cheerful 'Good morning, Sir!' when it is six thirty in the evening, then you are definitely talking to India. Immediately ask them how long it takes to get from Bombay to Mumbai for your own amusement. They will then regretfully inform you that you need to redial and select option 2. Who's laughing now then, eh?
On the other hand, if you can't understand a single word they say and you are told that you have come through to the wrong department, then you are dealing with the UK. Demand to be put through to India immediately. This confuses them and you may accidentally end up speaking to someone high enough up the chain to actually do something useful.
More often however, they will simply wear you down to a state of screaming incoherance. I phoned for nine consecutive days before giving up, ditching the fools and buying a little thing from "3" that plugs into your USB Port and receives the internet via a mobile connection. It's been fine so far and costs 15 quid a month. If they offered to pay me, I would praise it even more.