Sunday, March 02, 2008

How To Be Top

If you have just started off in teaching, then you will be pleased to learn that becoming a Headteacher (don't forget that you mustn't call them Headmasters or Headmistresses any more) is easy. Just follow the guide below:

1) Be ridiculously over enthusiastic from day one. Go round with an inane grin on your face and tell everybody how happy you are to be a teacher. Deny any problems and when asked how you are getting on with Wayne, just laugh like a loon and say that he is "Quite a character!" rather than snarling with rage and shouting; "I hate the little f**ker!"

2) Agree and adopt every new strategy with enthusiasm, no matter how ridiculous. Nod your head vigorously throughout every meeting until it is in danger of falling off into your lap.

3) Clear from your mind the naive idea that only things that might actually succeed should be attempted. Ticking the right boxes is all that matters. Never, ever ask the question "But will that actually work?"

4) Come up with lots of ideas, plans and strategies of your own. Do not waste time considering whether or not they are any good or even if they make sense, just get suggesting them.

5) Make sure your PC credentials are up to speed. Adopt an Anti-Bullying policy and put up some posters of famous Ginger Scientists in your classroom. Say the words 'gender' 'differentiation' and 'holistic' a lot, even if like me; you have no idea what they mean. Pick a physical challenge that the average grandmother could manage and pester everyone for money. ke sure that it is for a fashionable charity that does not have anything to do with men or bottoms.

6) Go on every course you can. Most are utterly worthless. People are either leaders or they are not, but going on some two day 'workshop' looks good and that is all that matters.

7) Above all, do not rock the boat. If your head of department will not back up your request for the immediate expulsion of Darren for spitting on you, just keep quiet about it. If another teacher says that they won't teach Chesney any more because he has told him to f**k off and the Head will not do anything; then under no circumstances must you support them by refusing to teach Chesney either.

Feel free to add any of your own.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

It seems that the same principals apply to most forms of employment, not just head"teachers"

Anonymous said...

Barricade yourself in your office. Pretend to be in an important meeting during the riot outside.

muso-tim said...

Right from day one of your NQT year, give more experienced staff 'advice' on how to deal with, well...everything. Tell them how things are "for these kids".

Learn the phrase, "Can I leave that with you?"

muso-tim said...

Ooh, I forgot one.

Make sure you put your hand up in every staff briefing and announce:

a) an activity you are doing, details of which are already on the board and in people's pigeon holes.

b) a student in your form whose grandfather died at the weekend.

These will show how hard you are working, what a good pastoral presence you are and above all how IMPORTANT you are.

Anonymous said...

Excellent comment muso-tim. I had forgotten about the superb staff breifings from my secondary school teaching days. I had also forgotten that you had to sit with your department, heaven forbid being sociable with anyone else.

Anonymous said...

1) A dislike of even the slightest critisism
2) An addiction to talking in acronyms
3) A delight in relating minor victories over junior members of staff to governing bodies
4)Paranoia

Anonymous said...

Make sure you're seen strutting around the building carrying a walkie-talkie at break times.
Give the impression that you never-ever stop to even as much as nibble a sandwich. Never leave the school building before 7pm and never enter it after 7:30 am.
Adopt everything in sight, especially worthless strategies and anything to do with inclusion.

Anonymous said...

Make sure you're seen strutting around the building carrying a walkie-talkie at break times.
Give the impression that you never-ever stop to even as much as nibble a sandwich. Never leave the school building before 7pm and never enter it after 7:30 am.
Adopt everything in sight, especially worthless strategies and anything to do with inclusion.

Anonymous said...

The boss is in a far eastern country this week on some sort of mission to do with something about something.

That says it all!

Make my job easier, not harder.

Dad To Be said...

Push "diversity" beyond all recognisable boundaries, ensuring the hard-working, caucasian hetrosexual pupils are prepared for the inane world of drivel they are preparing to enter.

Doug said...

Make sure you say "differentiated instruction" all the time, and mention "print enriched classroom" more often than not. The ULTIMATE phrase is "this is for the children" - even if it might result in actual physical harm to kids.

karen said...

You obviously know the Head of my daughters Primary school!!
I love your blogs, you are as mad as a hatter, and very amusing. Thank God.....A teacher with a sence of humour, I thought you were all extinct!

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