Thursday, April 19, 2007

The CEHR

Hooray! Not only has the weather been lovely all week, but the new Centre for Equality and Human Rights (CEHR) will soon be up and running with an annual budget of £70 million per year to spend wisely.

Inside the beautiful new Headquarters, recently refurbished at a cost that would make your eyes water, officials dined on caviar and rare quails eggs; whilst outside a spokeswoman explained to reporters exactly how the new organisation would work:

"Our primary aim is to come up with at least 23 new words ending in 'ism' by the end of 2007. Everybody in Britain today has a duty to be a victim of one sort or another (apart from white males in good health, whom we intend to crush beneath our feet.)

We also have a target of 200 phrases per year to ban. For example I could have said earlier that we 'intended to hit the ground running' but this would obviously be derogatory to anyone who is wheelchair bound; sorry 'disabled' I mean, 'differently enabled'.

Er.. anyway we are determined to introduce enough new legislation to drive every one of Britain's Small Busnesses into bankrupcy. Maternity Leave, Paternity Leave and Fraternity Leave- all will extended until you beg to be allowed back to work."

At this point a menial dashed out of the building and approached the speaker, clutching a note in one hand (and a champagne glass in the other.) She quickly read it and announced triumphantly:

"I told you we would hit the ground running, I mean wheeling. The first two new 'isms' have arrived.

'Sophorism' will be the act of discriminating against an employee who is always asleep." (Applause from inside the building)

"And from this day onwards; 'Nihilism' will mean discriminating against employees who have the misfortune not to exist.' The penalties for infringement will, I assure you; be severe.

Now, down on your knees and worship me you dogs!"

At this point the aide remembered an important appointment and she was hurriedly escorted back inside.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Are you well Frank ?

David Hadley said...

Luckily, the police already have a squad dedicated to upholding these new laws. See here:
http://littlefrigging.wordpress.com/2006/03/06/police-announce-new-crime-hotline-number/

Anonymous said...

And how do you spell bankruptcy?

Anonymous said...

I thought we had all been ism'd out, but apparently not. And you forgot to mention words ending in "ic",as in homophobic,islamophobic etc.Every one of them a stick to wack us dissenters on the noggin with by the new puritans.

Tom Welsh said...

For a moment there I thought I was back in the 1970s, reading Peter Simple. (That's high praise, by the way!)

lilyofthefield said...

I can't remember how many billion pounds this government is pouring into the leaky bucket of education (20? 70?) but I can tell you that £28000 of it went on designing and printing new logos, signs and stationery for the schools that were joined in holy deadlock to our "federation".