Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Non Uniform Day

Dear Parent/Guardian/Dreg of Society

On Friday October 20th we will be holding a 'Non Uniform Day' in order to raise money for the new School Burgervan (in partnership with Koshushko's Fast Food) To allow your child to attend school without its uniform, you should ensure that they contribute 50 pence to their form teacher before this important day. Please do not claim that this is too much money as we all know that it is but a tiny fraction of your weekly expenditure on illegally imported cigarettes and alcohol.

Those of you who do not have the faintest clue what our uniform consists of should consult the School Handbook. No doubt you will have lost this valuable booklet that we provided at great expense, but try looking for it under that vast glowing rectangle that you worship in the corner of your living room. If having found the Handbook you are still unable to decipher it, then frankly we give up.

Those of you whose offspring pay no attention whatsoever to our regulations will be glad to hear that in accordance with the School's general policy on rule infringements; no sanction will be applied to any pupil who does not hand over the money.

Last year, the majority of parents allowed their daughters to come to school dressed as prostitutes. Boys should dress as Rap stars and spend the day speaking as usual with a bizarre Los Angeles accent. As it is 'Non Uniform Day' there is a tradition for standards of behaviour to be even lower than usual. Just about anything will be tolerated in the name of a good cause.

And a Good Cause it is indeed! We take this opprtunity to announce that the contract for the future provision of school meals has been awarded to local favourites Koshushko's Fast Food Emporium. As an example of their gourmet cuisine, they do a partly organic deep fried pizza with free range chips and a choice of brightly coloured drink for only £3.50

Please fill in the form below so that we can estimate demand.

My foulmouthed child will be:

a)A proud guest of Koshushko's Food Emporium

b)Queueing at the new school burgervan

c)Roaming the streets engaging in petty acts of vandalism.

Yours Sincerely

Mr. Morris
Headmaster, St. Thickchilds School (Sponsored by Koshushko's Fast Foods)


Anonymous said...

Wonderful! Your blog is such a welcome tonic after a hard day's battling with the witless.

Jean said...

Definately one for our staffroom noticeboard!

Anonymous said...

Delicious irony from your adoring fans (see above.)

Definitely one of the finer aspects of your blog.

Anonymous said...

you arent even a teacher are you?

nor are you a policeman,but im sure you stand to make a packet and thats what counts eh?

GweiMui said...

Who let one of the students in here?

for god-sake pay attention in your English lessons.

justacop said...

Excellent as always. I have always wondered what the purpose of non uniform days were. Personally I send my kids to school to be educated. Note to school, my kids are not a source of additional income.

Helen G said...

Non Uniform day = chaos, vandalism and awful behaviour. The efforts of some of the staff to 'join in' are pretty embarrassing too.

Anonymous said...

I wonder what Franks dress sense is like?

Does anybody know anything about Frank?

Hels said...

I suppose we don't really 'know' anything about Frank Chalk, other than what he has told us in his blog and his book.

He claims and would appear to be a teacher or former teacher(at the end of his book, he says that he is leaving)

Anybody know anything else?

Anonymous said...

I know him very well, his teaching career is exactly as described in his book, his dress sense is smart casual... smart when he was in very casual.

Elizabeth said...

Brilliant post....but shouldn`t "who`s children" actually be "whose children" ?
Soory to be pedantic :-)

Genghis said...

Anyone who doubts Mr. Chalk's veracity is either:
i)Not a teacher - because we know from bitter experience that everything Frank says is true.
ii)One of the woolly headed, intellectually vapid imbeciles who are assiduously destroying education in this country.

Mr.Chalk is fulfilling an important role, one that should be occupied by the teaching unions, (we should have just one big one, by the way) in telling the truth and sounding the alarm over what is going on.

Anonymous said...

anybody wether a teacher or not could have written this blog and book,it wouldnt take much to come up with aneccdotal evidence of what is happening in schools today,just trawl through the tes forums for a start!

it is funny and well written,but i wouldnt stake my house on it being written by a genuine teacher,any good writer could have done this.

justacop said...

Anonymous, you make a point but not all that Frank writes could be experienced without the inside knowledge. It's the same as blogs from my sphere of experience. You clearly are not a teacher if you doubt what he says.

In addition forums, such as those you mention, often moderate the posts so that much of the raw truth and 'bad bits'are sanitised for the wider audience. This is why many people are now turning away from them to blogs for the real world experience.

People who don't like to discuss issues, 'warts and all' can hide away in the forums if they so wish and pretend that everything is just fine.

a teecher from lunnun said...

keep going frank
one look at these comments shows you're riling a few of the idiots we need to weed out of teaching

Monday Books said...

I can vouch for 'Frank', since I published him. He taught for 10 years until he gave up very recently, as it says in his book.
His dress sense is poor.
Sadly, he won't make 'a packet' - he'll make less than the minimum wage, I'd think, for the hours put in.
He wrote the book - and we published it - because we despair at the condition of British state education at the bottom end of the scale.
Something like 40% of our children leaving school after 10+ years of full-time education unable to read and write properly (according to the government's own statistics).
We think a) that that's a bad thing and b) that it was a subject worth writing about and publishing on.
Of course, you can't please all of the people all of the time, but then we don't want to.
Dan Collins
Monday Books

justacop said...

Well done Dan for publishing both Frank and PC Copperfield's books.

I have them both, fantastic.

Lets have a few more. Hopefully somewhere someone in 'power' may read them, wake up, and realise it's all been a bad dream.

Anonymous said...


im anonymous i posted at 15:44

I am a teacher,I do read and post on tes,there are plenty of 'warts an all' threads there that dont get removed!

I dont doubt the content of his book as a true picture of schools today,I would like to see him go public actually,that would prove the doubters[myself included!]wrong.

justacop said...

Cut ---
I dont doubt the content of his book as a true picture of schools today,I would like to see him go public actually,that would prove the doubters[myself included!]wrong.
--- Cut

If you accept that what he says is a true picture of schools, does it matter if he wasn't a teacher?

Unless you failed to notice he 'went public' by publishing a book!

You are anonymous, I am anomymous, why shouldn't Frank have the same right? In this particular scenario it matters not whether the 'true author' is known or not, after all, many authors over the years have had alias names and different identities. It's the content that counts, and you acknowledge that is a true picture so I see no issue.

Anonymous said...

I loved it. Where I work in the states we do have uniforms, and so our dress the ways your do in Non uniform day.

We have the same problems and I think some of the same parents from the sound of things

James said...

Strangely enough, this is the one thing my old comp did rather well. We usually tacked them on the end of Rag Week, and the proceeds went to some worthy cause like Children In Need.