Monday, October 02, 2006

Chalk's Fourth Law

Chalk’s Fourth Law of Teaching:

"No situation is ever resolved to the satisfaction of all parties involved."

Eg. Kid a hits Kid b

A trivial punishment (eg. a day's exclusion so that they can relax at home, secure in the knowledge that no record of this will ever be kept or passed onto a prospective employer) is given to Brat a whose Parent c comes racing up to school (daytime TV permitting) to complain about long history of Wretch b bullying Wretch a

Dreadful Child b is then punished also, perhaps with a detention which they need feel no obligation to attend, followed rapidly by phone call from their Parent d in a rage because of Future Prison Inmate b receiving the same punishment as a when they 'weren’t doing nothing wrong.'

Lying Witnesses e,f,g and h are then interviewed by Head of Year who wearily listens to four conflicting stories and concludes rightly that no sense whatsoever can be made of the whole incident and instructs both parties to be nice to each other in the future. No further action taken.

Next day: Horror b punches Horror a and the next episode of this sorry saga begins.

11 comments:

GweiMui said...

Well the bright side to this is that the Brats have not graduated to Side Arms yet.
If you were teaching in the good ol U.S Of A
it could quite easily read Homey A puts a cap in Homey B'S Ass, followed by Homey B's crew putting cap's in C-Z's ass.

Pogo said...

One feels that one must be a tad out of touch with the patois used on the distaff side of the pond and the educational milieu thereof, but why should "Homeys" "A" and "B" wish to insert their school headgear into each-others' bottoms?

Allan Him said...

Gweimui: Wassup, nigga? I ain't never heard of no homey "putting" a cap in no niggas ass. Maybe yo means "busting" a cap?

Pogo: I must confess that I find myself bemused by your terminology. Pray where did you come by the idea that Homeys A and B were inserting their caps into one another's rectal cavities? Surely the original poster was speaking of farmyard animals.

vervet said...

allan him:

I was unaware of the widespread ownership of farmyard animals by schoolchildren.

It seems rather extravagent to keep not-insubstantial equine creatures, purely for the purpose of storing one's headgear, does it not.

Mike said...

The most I ever inserted into anyone at school was stinging nettles. And then only into the space between shirt and chest.

Good blog Frank.

Got your book from amazon yesterday - very funny. But also disturbing. Keep up the good work.

Pogo said...

Allan: One made an enquiry via a young person concerning the colonial usage of the word "Ass" - as like you I was at a complete loss to understand why children should have donkeys or similar at school - and was not a little disturbed to be told that it is a corruption of the pronunciation of the vulgar older English word for "bottom". I was therefore even more disturbed by what those children were doing with their headgear.

All in all a singularly unedifying spectacle. So very different from the homelife of our own dear Queen.

Anonymous said...

A voice from the F.E. sector (Forgotten Educators).

All the issues you bring up also apply here but everyone assumes that we have it easier than school teachers because "at least they really want to be in College".

No they don't and once they're here we can't throw out the bad ones.

GweiMui said...

Allan, seems both forms are correct.
The following should also act as a handy reference for the less verbally challenged amongst us.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=cap+in+your+ass&defid=1985478

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=bust+a+cap+in+your+ass

This'll hurt you more than me said...

10 of the best for Kid A from "Chalkie's Magic Wand", in full view of Kid B. Kid A won't be hitting anyone for a while, and Kid B won't either having seen what's coming if he does.

Kid A: You waived your human "rights" when you ignored your human responsibilities and hit Kid B.

And to those who think hitting kids only teaches them violence, consider this. No-one under 25 has been hit by teachers (not officially anyway). Do our under-25s seem like a non-violent, resolve-their-differences-by-talking bunch to you? Thought not.

Bit of good old-fashioned discipline never hurt anyone.

Allan Him said...

Pogo and Gweimui: Thankyou both. Most illuminating.

P.S. Long live the Queen.

some guy that got linked off this other blog of which this name links to said...

haha