We will of course welcome advisers from the Council- so that their bizarre ideas can be ridiculed by staff and pupils alike.
Teachers will not dress like Earth Mothers, slappers, or scarecrows. Nobody shall wear a black heavy metal tee shirt.
Pupils will have a uniform and we will take the highly unusual step of actually making them wear it.
Only statutory sick pay will be paid for absences. The huge amount of money saved will be divided out amongst the staff who actually turn up to work. Some of it will be put aside to fund a wild party for the staff at the end of each school year.
Litter will be picked up by the naughty children from the school grounds and surrounding areas.
No syllabus will include any element of teacher graded assessment (ie cheating). Any teacher who doesn't finish the syllabus in good time to practice lots of past papers before the exam will be given a P45.
All out of hours work by staff (eg revision classes or after school clubs) is entirely voluntary and will be paid at time and a half.
All training days will be axed. (If you don't know how to teach kids, then you won't be working here anyway)
Anyone caught using a three letter acronym will be shot.
All parents will sign a legally binding document setting out what we expect from their child and what they can expect from us. We will chuck out any pupil who is repeatedly naughty as there will always be some other school willing to take them and sacrifice the chances of their nice pupils in order to deal with some 'complex behavioural issues'.
As the Headmaster, I shall conduct myself Gene Hunt style and randomly watch teachers every so often. They will be judged solely on an 'if it works, do more of it' basis. As long as they are teaching the syllabus, the kids are behaving themselves and the exam results are good, then I will lavish them with praise and leave them to get on with it.