Tuesday, May 19, 2009

University Complaints

At University 25 years ago, I can remember sitting through numerous lectures which were nothing more than an hour of incomprehensible mutterings and scribbled equations, delivered by a man dressed in a random set of garments from Oxfam, who clearly felt uncomfortable interacting with the human race and straying too far away from a test tube and Bunsen Burner. I can't remember caring though.

Nowadays the students complain if the lecturer doesn't turn up, is late or just completely rubbish. Rightly so I suppose, now that they are paying. The only reason there aren't more complaints is that many students struggle to read and write. Manchester Metropolitan even has a text messaging service for those who can't string a sentence together but don't want to feel left out.

As the Universitites are funded by student numbers; they never complain, no matter how many halfwits are delivered to them to do Cartooon Studies, Cultural studies or Paint Management and Monitoring. They just give a First to all those who turn up, a Second to those who don't and a Douglas (don't know what the modern word for these is) to the rest who can't even remember which former Poly they are at. (Note to parents; any subject with the word Studies in it, is just trying desperately to get you to take it seriously. Resist this tempation, laugh out loud and blow the money earmarked for your offspring's tuition fees on an extended tour of Australia and New Zealand.)

Monday, May 18, 2009


Well at least the Scots are trying to do something about the ever growing problem of violent wretches who attack their teacher or each other and simply return to class after a good talking to by the Head or a one day holiday. Trouble is, any psychologist worth their beard will just announce that Wayne is suffering from attention surplus somethingorother and has special 'needs' which we must bend over backwards to accommodate. In the interests of equality, no doubt vicious elbow-toucherThelma Hoskins (67) would also find herself being assessed by some nutter who fancied being a Scientist but wasn't bright enough to do a real one.

Still, whilst the tradition of wearing a tie seems to be falling victim to Health and Safety, another one (ie making fun of kilt wearing Scots) is still going strong

Someone recently suggested that I ask teachers to send in their own stories or articles for publication on this blog. I'm all in favour of this (as it saves me writing them) and obviously they get to stay anonymous. I've actually received quite a few already, but they have all been either boring as hell or would only appeal to an eight year old. However, judging by the comments and emails I get; there are plenty of teachers out there who could write something amusing, cynical or nasty (ie in keeping with my blog), so get on with it and send them to me.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

David Buth

I wish I'd thought of climbing up a tree whilst I was doing Teacher Training. The various loons in charge would have absolutely loved it. (Mind you, some toe rag would no doubt have attempted to cut it down with a stolen chain saw)

I can just see it now. Me dressed up like Robin Hood, precariously balanced on a swaying branch 30 feet up, armed only with a megaphone (and a bow and arrow to ensure discipline). Eventually though, I wood probably have had to bough to pressure from the Head to come down as the kids ran riot below; ignoring my attempts to conduct a Science Practical from my leafy lab. (What the Health and Safety people would have to say about the whole thing doesn't bear thinking about.)

Anyway, Mr Buth gives regular updates on his arboreal adventure here

I just spent my time climbing up the walls.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Footloose, Footloose...

If poor Chenille thinks that she is hard done by, then she should count herself lucky that she doesn't attend Heritage Christian School in Ohio, where they appear to be remaking the 1980s film Footloose (remember that Kenny Rogers jingle?)

Tyler Frost (who looks to be about 30 years old in the photo) has committed the heinous crime of Mixed Dancing and must now pay the price.

I've never been to Ohio (in fact I don't think I even know anybody who's been there) but stuff like this does make you worry a bit about some of the people who are sponsoring our Academies (and getting a say in what is taught in them).

Mind you, I suppose at least Tyler had learnt to read before he didn't graduate.

ps If you are now thinking of sending your offspring there, here's a link to the school website

Saturday, May 09, 2009


Sorry, I've not posted for a while- been doing some work for Chalk Enterprises' Overseas Division, sorting out the import of some rare breed pigs from a small farm near Mexico City. We've sunk all our money into this venture, so I hope it will be a success.

Ok, to be honest I just got fed up of whining about the same old problems in British Education, which lets face it; aren't likely to get better any time soon.

However, when I glanced through my email box yesterday; in amongst a whole load of junk, were a couple of tales which might amuse you.

Here's one from a teacher working in the Socialist Republic of South Yorkshire. It's a Cinderella story about a poor girl named after a type of curtain fabric, who cannot go to the Ball. Sour faced mother had spent a Kings Ransom on a 'limo' (defined in the Concise Oxford Dictionary as: a long white motor vehicle which picks up and later disgorges fat, orange people)

You can read more about it in the local paper which seems quite sympathetic to her. The locals who commented seem a bit more down to Earth however.