Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Christian The Lion

At Last! A Christian who doesn't get on your nerves.

I'm sure you've all seen him already, as I'm always well behind the times. He reminds me very much of my dog.

Don't do this though, as it might be dangerous.

Contact Law have now donated £20 to the Myelin Trust to say 'sorry' for spamming me. As I am easily bought, they can now be my friends.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

British Telecon

Hurrah! I'm back online again.

After the buffoons decided to cut off my phone line, I made the fatal mistake of phoning BT Customer Services (If any department is wrongly named, it is this one.) Endless recorded voices describe option after option, none of which ever mention having your phone line disconnected. Eventually I would be put through to a call centre in either India or the UK.

It's easy to tell which is which. If the operator is called 'Kevin' or 'William' and wishes you a cheerful 'Good morning, Sir!' when it is six thirty in the evening, then you are definitely talking to India. Immediately ask them how long it takes to get from Bombay to Mumbai for your own amusement. They will then regretfully inform you that you need to redial and select option 2. Who's laughing now then, eh?

On the other hand, if you can't understand a single word they say and you are told that you have come through to the wrong department, then you are dealing with the UK. Demand to be put through to India immediately. This confuses them and you may accidentally end up speaking to someone high enough up the chain to actually do something useful.

More often however, they will simply wear you down to a state of screaming incoherance. I phoned for nine consecutive days before giving up, ditching the fools and buying a little thing from "3" that plugs into your USB Port and receives the internet via a mobile connection. It's been fine so far and costs 15 quid a month. If they offered to pay me, I would praise it even more.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Contact Law

As you may have noticed, I got spammed today. A hundred and odd comments on assorted posts from a company called Contact Law

Now either they are so short of work that they are paying someone to enter the comments manually or they have found a way around Blogger's comment verification system.

Either way, it's a Declaration of War in my book. They clearly want my readers to get in touch, so let's not disappoint them. Their email is here, their phone number is 0800 1777 167 and their postal address is:

Contact Law,The Warehouse Office Suites
12 Ravensbury Terrace
London SW18 4RL

Now I can't say for certain that they would like to hear all about your last holiday, or any problems you may have had recently with self-assembly furniture; or even whether they can tell you how long a 1.5 Kg turkey should be kept in the oven for. I suspect that they may not be too interested in the unusual knocking noises coming from your boiler, but who am I to make presumptions?

Nor can I tell you whether or not they wish you to put a stamp on any letters that you send to them.